Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 13 1 2 3 4 5 12 13
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
I don't know if I should jump in here, since I've been out of the loop for a long time, and am probably not one to talk. But I've come a long way in the months I haven't been on this board. It'll be hard for most people to believe.

But you can take any of this with a grain of salt, DIM, it's just that I've followed your sitch from day 1 and I identify a lot with it - even if it isn't my story exactly.

My ex and I are fully separated now and planning to stay separated. I know that's not the goal of these boards, but sometimes it is for the best. I may not have seen that at the time, but I see it now. Does it mean I don't wish my family were in tact? No, but under the circumstances, I do not believe that was in our best interest or my daughter's best interest.

We have here what we'll call a lesson. And until you fully get whatever the universe is presenting to you, it's going to keep happening. So what are you going to do?

See because while I don't condone staying in a relationship where there is lack of honesty, integrity, respect, and trust, I do think the focus needs to remain on you and not your H or even OW.

So learn what you have to here, without making major decisions.

You went into fight or flight mode when you found out and you numbed and lashed out. That's not okay. If it's okay with you, I'm not sure why. And to say your H has been cranky or whatever for a few days, wouldn't you be too if someone had beat you up?

Watch how YOU behave. Right now you are very focused on his bad behavior.

Here's a few things that might help. We make up thoughts about our circumstances. Start observing what you make up about all this.

Why is there rage? What are you enraged about?

For instance,

Circumstance: I have evidence that my husband had an EA.
Thought: He ruined our relationship. OR he ruined my life. OR (I'm not good enough.) OR - whatever you MAKE THAT MEAN.
Feeling: small, lacking, deprived, helpless, out of control, scared (what feelings came up)
Actions: You beat him up, threatened another woman, woke up your daughter, drank, are exhausted, etc.
Results: No one is happy or at peace.

Now, if you want different results, you're going to have to tell a different story about that same circumstance.

NOTE: you said you want your husband to give up control. That's a big red flag to me; whenever we want someone we know to do something (for our benefit), we know we're in our projection mode.

Who do you really want to give up control?
What would be less exhausting right now?
Who has control of ... giving up control?

Let's go back to that sequence.

C: I have evidence my husband had an EA.
Thought: I am okay. I will take care of whatever I need to. The outcome will be all right and I'll figure it out.
Feeling: In control. In your power. In your adult self (rather than the traumatized child self who goes out and drinks or punches people).
Actions: You make choices. You are calm and act from calm places. You take action from places where you are in your power.
Results: You have an outcome that makes you feel comfortable/safe/happy.

What do you need right now?
What do you need to feel?
What do you need to believe?

Plug some of this into your own sequences and try it ... see if you can get the results you want by telling a different story.

Don't give away your power to OW. She did NOT steal anything from you. She just did what she did. That's her business. Your business is you.

So what are YOU going to do now?
What are YOU able to control (I'll give you a hint - ... you!)
What do you want to see happen?
What do you need?

Stop action. Stop reaction. Take some time. Take a Saturday to be alone or a nap or a rest or a drive. And go within YOU.

Forget your H and his lousy behavior. It's his problem. Doesn't make you an ass. Only YOUR lousy behavior makes YOU an ass.

Please be who you are - love, compassion, forgiveness, whatever that may be. But do it from a place of empowerment.

And try doing some byron katie "The Work" or Judge Your Neighbor worksheets on those thoughts you are having. I wish I could coach you on this but I know there are coaches on here.

The thoughts: She stole something from me.
He should give up control.
He lied to me.

All have potential turnarounds when you do the work.

You may have lied to yourself when you CHOSE not to see what you already knew was before you a while back.

DIM. I wish you all the love in the world right now. From the bottom of my heart.

And the thing is.

I know you're going to be okay.
But that's your business. smile

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
May...
I used to read your posts in Newcomers and saw that you had moved here

I have to say....

the anger toward the OW is misguided

she owed nothing to you
of course she would be dismissive

I would too if some crazy woman emailed me full of accusations

(which is what I am sure you sounded like...an insecure, crazy woman)

the physical violence is NEVER Ok...no matter how you try to justify it

and

as the mom to a beautiful girl with special needs
and
having survived several miscarriages, I am both sickened and appalled by your wishes on her

how dare you assume that having a special needs child is somehow a burden

you need to get a grip
watch you anger
and look at yourself in the mirror

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
Figgeroni,

I'll admit, it was advice like yours that baffled me when I was on these boards, posting and in crises. I think there's a degree of compassion that everyone her deserves.

Anger is useful in many situations. Obviously, what we do with it is important, but it is a teacher. May, what is it teaching you? What is it here to tell you? There's a book called the Language of Emotions that you may want to get to look at it about this important emotion.

May is clearly acting out of a place of fear and lack. What is the fear? What do you imagine is being taken away or that has been taken or that you don't have?

There's a sense you've given your power away here - to this woman, to your husband. That can leave you feeling helpless, angry, out of control, desperate. It would leave anyone feeling that way. So have some compassion for yourself, and see if you can slow down in all this and find some answers, within ... you do have the power.

Why aren't you holding on to it?

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
being in crisis does not diminish the completly misguided and inappropriateness of the post

we have all been in crisis

pointing out the misguidedness is important because we simply can not use our situations for carte blanche behavior

words are powerful tools and every word in every situation carries weight

when you dismiss that because of pain and hurting, you also dismiss what you say when you aren't in pain and hurting

May is an intelligent person and you are correct, she seems to be giving an undo amount of power away

reality checks are extremely important
always
but especially in crisis situations

sending an email to the suspected OW makes you look like a crazy person...
because, in that moment, you are...

you need to stop and recognize that before you make your situation worse...before you BECOME the crazy person you are acting like

Compassion I have in loads, understanding is there too

and

but again

recognition is vital to growth and moving forward

but slamming special needs children and wishing miscarriages and stillbirths is NOT an acceptable way to deal with anything EVER

neither is placing blame for your actions (physical violence is never OK and if it would have been a man pounding on a woman that way, there are very few people here who would have said...oh it's OK and it's understandable...NOR SHOULD THERE BE...IT"S WRONG AND AGAINST THE LAW)

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
E
Eryam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
First off, I didn't slam children with special needs. I said, "I wish upon her stillbirths, miscarriages and severely disabled children who will drain her emotionally, physically and financially."

All children (any form of dependent, really) are a drain in some manner. Those with severe disabilites are draining in one form or another. That does not mean they do not have worth or are unwanted. I love my students, I love their families. But it drives me crazy when a parent says (and granted, this statement is rare, but it's happened), "oh, I never need a break". Bullsh!t. We all need a break from time to time. To say otherwise is pure denial. My families are exhausted in more ways than one. I don't infer that, they straight up tell me. CNN just had an article the other day about how expensive the cost of autism treatment is. I have parents who beg to know how they can qualify for respite services. I know families who can't ever sleep because their child's disability prevents them from getting a good nights sleep, and then they in turn prevent everyone from getting a good night's sleep. It's a drain.

Secondly, I know stillbirths and miscarriages are painful. I just had a dear friend lose her baby at 24 weeks. She went through 20 hours of labor to deliver a dead baby who had a name, a nursery, and clothing. She missed a month of work. And immediately before she lost this pregnancy, she had a miscarriage. Both my mother and my God-mother lost infants in their first few weeks of life. I have been fortunate not to have personally experienced these things, but I have borne witness to the pain it causes. While I apologize if it was offensive (I honestly did not want to hurt anyone's feelings over that statement), I still stand by what I said. I wish her beyond imaginable pain, especially pain related to child birth. I do not apologize for wishing this hell upon her. Not. One. Bit.

If that makes you angry, I'm sorry, but don't read my posts.

Thirdly, I fully acknowledge the physical attack was inappropriate. And yet.... I don't care. At this point in time, I'd do it again. Honestly, I'm amazed I haven't attacked him again. That's how angry I am. I feel very unapologetic about it. I doubt I will ever apologize to him about it. I mean, if I truly eventually feel bad for it, I will. I hate empty apologies. I find them more insulting than if you just say nothing.

I don't know if I've ever posted this... it's been too long and there have been too many posts.... but part of the reason I am SO angry about this is the day my first child was born was one of my true "dreams" growing up.

Some women have a dream wedding they've had visions of since they were little girls. I didn't know anything about my wedding, but I knew what the birth of my child would be like.

We would hold hands, we would cry, we would say "look what we made" and tell each other "I love you" and tell the same to our child. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

Instead I just stared at H, stared at my newborn, and tried to be as stoic as possible.

Honestly, I don't remember much from that day. And that alone is crushing.

I still hate her. Vehemently. This is not to say that H is free from blame. But I still say that this would not have happened if she weren't in the picture. I know that's a debatable topic.

Would he have abandoned me? Probably. But would there be an OW? I think I give her that credit. From what little I read, she was rather pushy.

Ugh.

I don't know what to do about H in reference to all of this. I don't want a D. But I don't know how to.... emphasize the severity of this. The on going lying.

That's probably another thing I'm so enraged about.

I just bought it. Hook, line and sinker.

And of course, he's out of town again this week. At least we're out of the house, into the apartment (although still living out of boxes) and we're all well now.

I'm taking a girls weekend. Not this weekend, but next. I've stored up enough milk (yeah, D is still nursing believe it or not) to where she should be good and I'll just bring my pump. Hopefully that will rejuvenate me a bit and get me to calm down.

I would say more often than not, I'm not angry about this. But when it creeps up, it's still very fiery.

And then I just want to beat him all over again.


I have the patience of Job.
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
i think the point is you should be better than that.

beating the crap out of your spouse may feel good and you found a way to justify it.

writing letters to someone wishing dead babies upon them feels good.

in the exact same way that having an affair feels good and can be easily justified.

its all the same.

no one ever said you're not entitled to feel anger. my x was sleeping with her boss while we were married, i'd stay home with the baby while she lied about who she was with until 4am, claiming i made her do it and it was all my fault, telling people i was abusive, x moves my daughter into his house, they're now engaged and x tells my daughter to call that same a-hole her step-father, and i have to bite my tongue every time i listen to my daughter talk about him.

so trust me, everyone here understands anger.

and none of this is how anyone dreamed it would be.

the issue now isnt her, or his lying. not anymore. the issue here is that you need to get over your anger. even if he would do everything you wanted, your anger would screw it all up. you've spent the last post justifying your childish, over the top email, when you should have simply admitted it was wrong and written in anger.

i think you're losing control, you're letting this consume you and turn you into someone you shouldn't be. you're in self-destruct mode and it'll end up being you killing the marriage. maybe that's what you want at this point, and that's your decision, but if it is, then man-up and take responsibility for it.

reality never lives up to childhood dreams. never. get used to that, or you'll have a life of disappointments.


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
~
Member
Offline
Member
~
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
Anger is repackaged fear, DIM...

What are you afraid of...?

Be angry, just do so in healthy, constructive ways...

But please dig and understand what fear is driving your current anger...?

Internalize your thoughts... so not what it is about others... but what is it about you... that is leading you down that path...?

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
exactly Ken

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
One point I want to make DIM - we all have dashed hopes when it comes to our marriages, births, motherhood, etc. I can show you an article I wrote on this, but I don't think I can posts links here.

Letting go and accepting what is ... is the only way to decrease the suffering.

What can you be grateful for? A healthy baby? A healthy pregnancy? A daughter who is pure love?

Even under the best circumstances, many women don't get the Hollywood version of what we all imagined as little girls that certain times in our lives would look like.

Those are the parts of ourselves we need to grow up and mature into adults who accept that things rarely turn out and look like what we imagine, and that it's still okay.

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
~
Member
Offline
Member
~
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
Hey LG/ESN! Hope you are doing well! smile

Page 3 of 13 1 2 3 4 5 12 13

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard