LOL at an organ flying out of my body. At this rate, I'll be lucky if anything still works after all this stress. I am definitely handling it better. Not great, but better than right after the bomb.
Normally, there isn't a response required because my H doesn't TALK. I have been the one who started every R conversation we have had including the one where he dropped the bomb. I just need to learn when to be quiet. I did learn some important things about how my H views our R last night, which I needed to hear.
I'm not sure what staying the course means for me. Do I continue with what the DB Coach told me to do - become the girlfriend, praise him, do things like I used to? This actually seemed to be making a small amount of progress. Of course OW is still in the picture, so I guess it wasn't REAL progress.
the OW will be in the picture until the picture you create becomes more attractive
Right now, she is placing NO pressure on him she is validating him in everything she is kind and considerate and the perfect girlfriend there is no expectation from her for him to be anything other than what he is now
remember when you 1st started dating him (or someone else)? How excited you were to see them? how you always shaved your legs and smelled nice and things were clean and you were always happy and accomodating?
there were no bills no messes in the house nothing smelled bad no one was tired and cranky
that is what she is right now
she doesn't expect him to bear his soul and make their relationship solid
she is still wooing him
woo him
my parents have been together for forever
they still woo each other
my dad goes out of town for business and my mom always is waiting when he gets home with a clean house, candles lit, supper made and smelling like his favorite perfume
she tucks little love notes in his bag
he writes I love you in the steam on the mirror during his shower and surprises her with favorite chocolates, just because
they woo each other
of course there are days when they are tired and snipe at each other or stink or whatever
but
they remember the wooing
remember the girl you were and how excited he made you remember when you 1st started dating but weren't super serious (so he MIGHT have been dating other girls...no commitments were made but you WANTED him to only be dating you)
remember those people and try to recapture some of those moments
just some
it is important for all of us to remember to live some of those moments out all the time
Ro, good job on how you responded to your question, in spite of what you felt like saying. Good control! Way to go!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
the OW will be in the picture until the picture you create becomes more attractive
Right now, she is placing NO pressure on him she is validating him in everything she is kind and considerate and the perfect girlfriend there is no expectation from her for him to be anything other than what he is now
remember when you 1st started dating him (or someone else)? How excited you were to see them? how you always shaved your legs and smelled nice and things were clean and you were always happy and accomodating?
there were no bills no messes in the house nothing smelled bad no one was tired and cranky
that is what she is right now
she doesn't expect him to bear his soul and make their relationship solid
she is still wooing him
woo him
my parents have been together for forever
they still woo each other
my dad goes out of town for business and my mom always is waiting when he gets home with a clean house, candles lit, supper made and smelling like his favorite perfume
she tucks little love notes in his bag
he writes I love you in the steam on the mirror during his shower and surprises her with favorite chocolates, just because
they woo each other
of course there are days when they are tired and snipe at each other or stink or whatever
but
they remember the wooing
remember the girl you were and how excited he made you remember when you 1st started dating but weren't super serious (so he MIGHT have been dating other girls...no commitments were made but you WANTED him to only be dating you)
remember those people and try to recapture some of those moments
just some
it is important for all of us to remember to live some of those moments out all the time
Have you talked to my DB Coach? I swear you said what she said almost word for word. I kinda thought to myself this morning about what my DB Coach suggested I do, and why I hadn't been doing it. I said I couldn't blame anyone but myself if my H left without me even trying it. Guess I'm just scared of the rejection.
and if this were a new relationship, that fear would still be there
you have some power here too you have the power to feel that way again...excited and nervous and butterfly-ish
you have the power to be alluring or even unavailable
Interesting take. I actually mentioned this to H last night. That I've wanted to snuggle/cuddle with him or just walk up and kiss him like I used to do but didn't think he wanted me to so I didn't. He just looked at me in shock. Normally I do whatever I want regardless of what he says. LOL This morning's cuddle was nice. I surprised myself by doing it.
I do have the power to be alluring (what is that again?) or unavailable (which normally doesn't work, hence how OW came into the picture). Hadn't quite thought of it that way. It's been so long since I've WANTED to be alluring. Guess that's part of the reason I'm in this sitch now.
I've been thinking about fig's post about control. Since my H dropped the bomb, I have been letting him lead. Which means since he doesn't want to be here, I've been letting him lead me somewhere I don't want to go. That stops today. It's time I took control over me....for real this time. That doesn't mean I will be making any major R decisions but, it's time to put things into action. I'm tired of being stagnant. Might as well go all in with what the DB coach told me to do. What else do I have to lose?
I also realize that I've been so focused on making changes that I am forgetting the good parts of Ro that were there. Time to bring them back out.
