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ces67 Offline OP
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Thanks AT, the additional communication will have to wait at this point. W leaves in the morning and will be gone 12 days. I hate how I feel as she leaves. I've felt angry all night. Texted her earlier in the day and she never replied. Tried calling her when I got home because she was out with D10. Had to call 3 times before she answered.

I'll be better when it's just me and the kids.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2239127 04/19/12 01:32 PM
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And she's off....

W is getting the kids off to school and then leaving. I let her know in our conversation on Sunday how this makes me feel. Didn't expect it to change anything and it hasn't. Still hurts though.

I also noticed I reverted to my self-defense pattern of withdrawal. Started off OK last night. W was on the phone with a friend. Since W is gone, I will be going into work later than normal to get the kids to school. Easy adjustment. Part of that is I drop D10 at a friends house so they can walk to school together. Done this before. Turns out this friend can't be there for 2 days next week so W is on the phone with someone else arranging this.

For some reason this irritates me. I can go in later. I can adjust my schedule but W won't even bother to ask me or discuss. She just makes the arrangements without even talking to me. After she is off the phone I explain that I can adjust my schedule those 2 days and I would prefer she talk to me about these things.

W said she was only doing what she always does and that I had already adjusted my schedule to go in later as it is. I thanked her for that but also let her know that I would appreciate her talking to me and involving me in the plans instead of just assuming.

I did my normal good night routine with the kids and went to bed. I didn't bother to say anything to my W as she busied herself with final packing. W never bothered to say good night or good bye. And so I go back to my self-defense mode. I'm tired of the being discarded & rejected so I pull away from the hurt. No good bye note, no words. Just going about my life.... No idea when the next time will be that we talk.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2239136 04/19/12 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted By: ces67

After she is off the phone I explain that I can adjust my schedule those 2 days and I would prefer she talk to me about these things.

W said she was only doing what she always does and that I had already adjusted my schedule to go in later as it is. I thanked her for that but also let her know that I would appreciate her talking to me and involving me in the plans instead of just assuming.




Tough times for sure CES, sorry. Hopefully the time away will help in some form.

That would irritate me as well and I'm glad you addressed it with her and think you handled it well.

I have had a few similar occurances w/ my w where she will assume something based on past experience and when I would address it she would also say something like well that's how we've always done it or you never cared about it before.

I think I said something along the lines of well I have made a lot of changes and I would appreciate it if we can try to communicate better regarding these things.

Anyhow, if taking your D to school is important to you as it is to me then make it happen.


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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I agree with sais that you appear to have done well during that.

Also, like you my W still does things regarding the children like your W did, making arrangements without asking. As though I don't exist or my opinion did not count. That would upset me.

Two sides to that story, of course. She really should understand that there are two parents, so parents should be first in accommodating the children. Extended family or friends should be a distant second, only if necessary.

Of course on the other side of that, the reality is that in some instances, especially simple things that need quick resolution, it is sometimes appropriate for one parent to make a quick decision that resolves an issue. It might be things like morning arrangements or in the event of medical distress while with one parent or a tantrum the child is having over what to have for breakfast.

Because there will be points in time when you make a decision in a moment that seems rather silly to discuss with your W, and you will be chastised for it.

Either a SA or a parental plan can help sort out a lot of those types of things.

I think I've read that the number one thing parents will argue about is different parenting styles or things about the kids... the second is financial...

Your W is asking for space? Then having to ask you every time she needs to make a decision about the kids will likely feel either controlling or pursuing by you.

I'd recommend get something down on paper...

As we've heard here when it comes to things that might otherwise appear to be petty arguments...

Is that a hill you want to die on?

~ kd ~ #2239152 04/19/12 02:37 PM
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Oh, and can't remember where I read this... I'm pretty sure this was posted on someone's thread on this forum...

Something about how one parent would make a decision without involving the other parent and then the other parent would come along and change the decision without letting the first parent know.

Apparently there is a psychological name for this type of behaviour...

If you want your W to respect and include you in decision making processes... lead by example... so if you want to make a change on something that is important to you, such as morning school drop offs... let your W know that you would like to take care of that in the mornings and ask her if she agrees with that...

~ kd ~ #2239169 04/19/12 03:22 PM
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I know I'm a little late to the party... I'm catching up on my friends smile This stuck out for me:
[quote=ces67] 2TP - I did not validate at that time in the conversation but will use that as an opportunity to create more dialogue. I have a tendancy to want to express why I did something or acted a certain way and I need to let that go and just validate how it made her feel.[quote]

For me, this has been the biggest lesson to learn. I never realized how often I made the conversation about *me* by giving my reasons for saying certain things. through more conversations with H and my therapist, I learned what it feels like to make the talk about *them*- whatever it was that they needed to discuss. I still find myself wanting to interject or clarify when I hear him saying something that I feel is wrong- but then I remember: the only thing that matters is *his*perspective since *he* is the one feeling this way... it then becomes my job to really listen and internalize his perspective. Only when he's done sharing, is it my turn to talk and the first thing to do is validate to that he knows I was an active listener. Once I've done this, he seems more willing to listen to my explanation or my attempts to change his perspective.

It's so important that we figure out how our spouses want to be listened to and communicate (we can only hope that they take the time to learn our preferences as well) Rick1967 brought up a good point about communicating with an introvert vs and extrovert- there are some underlying personality traits that effect everything we say and do.

Reading your story about her taking charge and making plans for you... I can appreciate your frustrations! She said that she was doing what she *always* had done- is that true? If it is true, was that b/c you were content to let her take the lead or b/c she never gave you the option to get involved?? I think you handled it very well and I hope she remembers to let you take the lead next time- especially since *you* are the one who will be here and in charge.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
ces67 #2239172 04/19/12 03:26 PM
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Ces - You know I feel your pain. H is headed out of town tonight as well. I can't help but think to myself "Is he going to see OW?" Then I stop myself and ask if he is, what can I do about it? Enjoy your time with your kids!

Originally Posted By: ces67
I also noticed I reverted to my self-defense pattern of withdrawal.

W said she was only doing what she always does and that I had already adjusted my schedule to go in later as it is. I thanked her for that but also let her know that I would appreciate her talking to me and involving me in the plans instead of just assuming.


This struck a cord with me. I do like how you went to her and explained your point of view on it. My H would never does that. Instead he holds it in, and two years later brings it up as something I did wrong. And here we are...

I'm going to post this on my thread so I don't hijack yours and expand some more.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
~ kd ~ #2239384 04/20/12 03:21 AM
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ces67 Offline OP
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Hey KD, W is a stay home mom so she does a lot do thing switch the kds and I have always trusted her. Still do for the most part regarding parenting. I have rarely questioned her decisions but historically she would run things past me or tell me what was going on. Since the bomb she acts more like a single parent. I do not harp on her decisions. Me speaking up like is is a rarity.

Big differences now is W hates going to church so getting the kids is a challenge. Also, I noticed my D10 drew a picture for W to take to her friend that she is staying with this trip. It was a margarita glass with a container next to it that said "margarita salt". That was a little rough for me to see from my 10 year old daughter.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
RoRoinMD #2239390 04/20/12 03:35 AM
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ces67 Offline OP
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Hey Ro, the quiet evening is kind of nice. Just me and the kids and we had a good evening. Hope you're enjoying your evening and not worrying too much about where your H is.

Purg, always welcome to the party whenever! My W is a planner and organizer. Things always have to be a certain way. In many ways I have let her lead when it comes to the kids because she has been so particular (and she would always let me know when it wasn't how she thought it should be).

Very interesting thing happens this evening. D10 had a volleyball game tonight. One of her good friends is on the team too. She is a neighbor and her mom is one of the few people my W spends time with since the move. While W is out of town, I take D10 to this lady's house in the morning to I can get to work. Ten D10 and her friend walk to school together.

This evening at the game this friend made a point to tell me that she was glad to do this for me and D10 and she wanted me to know that she did not agree (or support) my W working back in our former state. This was a pleasant surprise.

She also apologized about not being able to take my D10 a couple mornings next week. She mentioned that she had told my W that she and I could figure it out but that my W was adamant that she get it all organized before she left.

This lady and her husband are really nice people. I have not spent a lot of time with them but it was a good feeling to know she sees an issue with my W leaving as she does.

Got to sing to my D10 at bedtime tonight. Haven't done that in a while. I think we both enjoyed it!


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2239670 04/21/12 05:20 PM
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A little journal time:

Good day at work. Love my new job! It's helpful to have some place in my life that feels strong. It helps roll into other things such as being a dad and standing firm in working on my M. Plenty of opportunity for improvement but at least I can see more of what I am doing and how to adjust.

D10 spent the night at a friends house. She went from school so I didnt see her but we talked. She even tested me this morning to say hi. S13 had two buddies spend the night so I hung out and watched a few movies. W never called to say good night and I didnt bother to call her. I knew she was helping her friend with work stuff at a show.

Stayed up late and slept in today. By the time I woke up, I saw that W had tried to call me. She also sent me a txt asking how the boys were and if I ever play word with friends of FB. I did not respond to either.

I got up and fixed the boys breakfast and while they were eating, W called son's phone. She even asked to speak to me and asked how things were going. She said she had tried to call me. I responded that my phone was on vibrate and in the other room. Both true. We talked for a bit and I even asked her what she had going on and she told me about the day. It was a normal conversation and I have to admit that I feel sad that a normal conversation feels so odd to me.

My mind ran a few scenarios about why she would be doing this and then I stopped myself because I recognized the mind-reading. So it's on to my day of nothing major and relaxing a bit. Hope all out there in DB land have a good weekend


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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