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I can't thank you all enough for all of your thoughtful responses. Your general insight and also sharing of your own situations really helps a lot. I know my self-esteem really took a hit during the time I was a SAHM. Little by little I'm rebuilding me. Working is helping a lot. Learning new things, being appreciated and paid feels great. The loneliness is still hard. I miss the phone calls throughout the day and a hug at the end. I miss sleeping peacefully knowing we're all home and safe.
You're right about no contact. After talking to him Friday I was a mess. It didn't help that he hung up on me when I disagreed with him. I felt abandoned all over again. I'm beyond the tears once again and just want to keep my distance from him so I don't backslide. He is in the typical MLC pattern of being nice then becoming hateful. One minute he tells me how happy he is for me that I got a good job, not for financial reasons, but for my own self worth (Really??? I thought this was all about finances.) Then he tells me we wouldn't be in this situation if only I had worked. Now it's all my faullt, but a month ago it was equal. In fact, he thought it was more his fault. And on, and on.
KML, you're likely right about an OW and it's probably a matter of time before i find out about her. (Months ago he used our bank account to order Viagra - that stung. When I confronted him he jokingly said "you never know when you need to be ready.") I believe that's what's behind his sudden rush for a divorce. I just feel devasted when I consider that so I try not to go there. Maybe that would be for the best. It seems relationships outside of the M are often the wakeup call that WS's need. Things might be blissful at first, but it won't take long before there are expectations and demands. I've been tempted to hire a PI (has anyone done this?)' but what would be the point?
Putting all of this aside, I've been busy in the yard and will start doing house projects as I can afford them. Those are true pasions. (If only I were a celebrity, I could focus on renovating my beach house.) I cook and bake a lot, too. I'm finding it difficult to fit in my sports, but I'm making that a priority over cleaning going forward. I would like to return to counseling since I really like the person that I was seeing, but I can't afford it right now. In the meantime, I'm so grateful to all of you who take the time to educate and comfort me even though you're dealing with your own pain. I also have lots of friends who, thankfully, aren't sick of me yet. It's so crazy, but I feel like celebrating when I go for any period of time without thinking about my H. I'm looking forward to entire days of not feeling the burden of this.
I just blocked H from calling, texting and emailing. I didn't do it to be mean and I don't know that I can keep him blocked long term for practical reasons, but I felt like I needed to do something to take control over how I am treated. I don't want to have phone conversations because he controls them by hanging up when he doesn't want to hear my opinions or feelings. I also hate wondering throughout the day if his name will popup on my phone. And I surely don't want to read anymore emails since the last one went on and on about his attorney this and that. I just can't have another day like Friday. It took hours to stabilize after his threatening email, etc. I have asked him to contact me through my attorney. Am I asking for more drama by doing his or is it a step in the right direction?
golf mom, You have done the correct thing in blocking his calls/emails. You need to be in the no contact mode (nc) for a while. This is to help you stablize and find your footing once again. They are so insensitive to the spouses and whatever comes out of their mouths is hurtful and believe me, in some instances, they can't control their thoughts and what spews forth.
If he has issues about the divorce, then he should have his attorney contact yours. You do not need to be sitting there listening to his gibberish all of the time.
Also, I want to mention that whether you worked or stayed at home, it wouldn't have mattered. Your h would have found excuses for leaving. Please don't beat yourself up over being home.
Well, NC didn't last very long. When I was home for lunch I had a message from my H saying that he had tried to call/text me but apparently he has been block (yup!). Then he went on to say how he would like to refinance the house and already has the paper work done, but wanted to make sure it was OK with me. Also said regardless of what happens in the future he doesn't want us to pay more than we have to. This is what I had been asking him to do for months, but he insisted on selling the house and getting his name off the mortgage. It's amazing how these MLCers are mean one minute and accommodating the next. I called him back to let him know that refinancing was fine with me and I thanked him. I also let him know that I blocked him because I won't allow him to treat me badly anymore and that I need distance from him. I also let him know that I don't trust him and that his actions starting with the day he left have shown me that he only considers what's in his best interest so I will no longer engage in conversations, etc. with him. The attorneys will need to do all of the negotiating from now on. Last, I told him that I will no longer allow him to dump on me and that I realize I took on too much of the responsibility for the failures in our marriage. As far as I'm concerned I've taken a look at myself, apologized for my shortcomings, changed things (I will continue work in this area) that needed to be changed, but that's it. He has to deal with all the rest. Then I ended the phone call. I don't care whether he mulls all that over or not, but it sure felt good to set some boundaries with him. I had a bounce in my step all the way back to work. Now it's back to NC.
Great job! That's the way to get back your self-esteem. Don't be surprised when he starts increasing his calls. His blaming you will start to increase. Keep a log of the calls and have your attorney address them accordingly.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You go girl! I am so proud of you! It's such a relief to get that off your chest and set boundaries, isn't it? Great boundaries by the way.
What was his reaction when you said that?
Yes, this is typical wishy-washy behavior for the MLCer. Nice one minute the just seething with venom the next. Mine was this way the first month or two after he left. I remember my SIL telling me he was acting mad. I told her that I had to set boundaries because he wouldn't stop pushing this friendship thing. She was the first to agree that we probably couldn't ever be friends after what he pulled this time.
I finally told him I was no longer going to take all the blame for his unhappiness in this marriage. I also told him that he had NEVER spoken to me like he had in all our years together as he had then and that he is not to speak to me unless he can speak to me respectfully.
That nipped that at the bud right away, but that is when there would be stretches of no contact. LOL...if there was contact Im sure it would've been all spew.
The MLCers cycle...rinse and repeat sort of thing. So don't be suprised if he keeps this up for a little while.
Im now starting to sense XH is starting to go back to where he was a year ago and there very well may be some spewing again. Having no respect for the LBS is what MLCers do best. I honestly think XH was in denial for a long time about the REALITY of divorce. Snodderly said they expect to us stay put and do and say all the things we were doing married, while they go off and do their own thing. That was really hard to grasp, such selfish and irrational behavior...but it's the truth! I see it happening now in my sitch.
golf mom! You did great! There is absolutely no reason why you have to be put in the position of being disrespected by him. Now, when he starts the spew up, shut him down! Walk away, cut the conversation short or if you want to try something that is very successful....change the subject very quickly and you will be amazed at how that confuses them and their train of thought is then affected. They flipped very quickly, but you will have to control this, not them when they are spewing.
Good luck w/the refinancing, but stay alert and do not let your guard down for one minute.
Now it's all my faullt, but a month ago it was equal. In fact, he thought it was more his fault. And on, and on.
Something to brace for in the future - he will likely blame you more and more as he tries to make himself feel better about his choices. Don't be surprised if you find at some point that he blames you for everything even his toast not having a smiley face on it when he woke up
This is his journey, but there may be more if you let it happen.
Good deal on the refinance. Hopefully that will help.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."