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#2238503 - 04/17/12 07:46 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
HollyAnn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/11
Posts: 111
Originally Posted By: jc180
This morning is my first day back in the house. I will be her for two days and then we trade off again. This weekend I will have him for 5 straight days.

I was inspired by my trip to see Joel Osteen. It was a great sermon. I tried to be as positive as possible and to be thankful for the blessings in my life.

When I saw my W this morning I said Good Morning. We spoke quite a bit while she was getting ready for work. I told her it was good to see her and she said thank you. She told me about her time with him and she said it was great. He didn't ask for me and I told her if she was trying to hurt me and she said no. She said he only asked for me when she was getting after him. She asked if he asks for her and I said yes of course especially at night when he expects you home. She told me she does not like our current visitation schedule and will ask her attorney to change it. I did not respond to talk about our D. She said she is going to have a hard time when I have him for my 5 days and that she will have to come over and visit him. I just shook my head and she said she has the right to come over and stock the fridge. I said that is fine but we might not be here. I can see that she is going to have a hard time being separated from him. I wish she would see this as a reason to try reconciliation but I don't think so. It just seems like more cake eating. I don't know what visitation schedule she imagines would be more to her liking. There is only one way to see our S everyday and that would be to stay married.

She also mentioned that she saw my mother for a few minutes. My mom told he she was on her way to my nephews baseball tournament. My W said if there was something like that going on she thought it was okay for me to ask her to take him. Even if it was her visitation day. When I think of this offer plus her text asking me if I wanted to see our Son this weekend I think she may be feeling overwhelmed. Remember I was a stay at home dad and she does not have as much experience as me let alone patience.

We had some more small talk and I smiled the entire time. I miss her so much I just wanted to grab her and give her a hug. She joked some more and smiled before she left. I joked about her sexy shoes and she showed them off to me.

Our final court date is set. She mentioned it to me and I told her yes I was aware my execution date has been set. The only thing I can do right now is to keep looking for work and to make the best of it. After staying at friends and family homes this week it makes me more determined to find work. There is no way that I want to drag my son with me to different homes when I have my visitation. My lawyer is going to try to get me child support. My W makes good money and if she paid me support I would be able to get an apartment quickly.


Stick to the court-ordered visitation plan.
Stop asking her if she is trying to hurt you. This shows neediness, which in turn, shows weakness. Not attractive.
Stop giving her compliments about "sexy shoes" and such. Shows weakness and pursuing. Not attractive.
But for her actions, none of this would be happening and the quicker she sees what divorce and the loss of you feels like, the better. Shows strength. Attractive.
She

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#2238505 - 04/17/12 07:51 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: HollyAnn]
HollyAnn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/11
Posts: 111
Damned nonexistent editing feature!
She will see weakness in statements like this: "I told her yes I was aware my execution date has been set." She wants out, let her out. Attractive.

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#2238520 - 04/17/12 09:06 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: HollyAnn]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
I didn't realize how much I'm still pursuing her. This is extremely hard because it requires going against my own nature. My therapist told me that I still want to please her and her nasty words left an indelible mark on me. By being nice to her and trying to please her i am trying to prove her criticisms wrong and show her I am a nice guy. She told me that is exactly what she wants me to do and it reinforces her attitudes about me instead of the opposite. For example my W in marriage counseling complained that now I am "perfect". The changes she demanded and used as as reasons for wanting to leave actually occurred. In essence I became the man she wanted but now she resented me for giving her what she wanted. It was a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. My therapist said I need to consider the fact that their might have been anything I could have done to save the marriage, that this is entirely her doing. This puts me in a difficult situation because my nature is to be nice. I didn't think it was a big deal to tell her it is nice to see you or that I missed her and my son. I am trying and before I came into the house I did try to prepare my words. When I see her my heart fights my brain and sometimes he loses. I recognize I still have the attitude that I can fix the marriage if only she would listen to my words. This is something I am going to try harder on. A friend told me recently that "your Wife can't betray you anymore, the only one who can betray you now is yourself".
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

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#2238521 - 04/17/12 09:08 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
jc180 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 41
*might NOT have been anything...
_________________________
Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012

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#2238586 - 04/17/12 12:17 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: jc180]
HollyAnn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/11
Posts: 111
Originally Posted By: jc180
I didn't realize how much I'm still pursuing her. This is extremely hard because it requires going against my own nature. My therapist told me that I still want to please her and her nasty words left an indelible mark on me. By being nice to her and trying to please her i am trying to prove her criticisms wrong and show her I am a nice guy. She told me that is exactly what she wants me to do and it reinforces her attitudes about me instead of the opposite. For example my W in marriage counseling complained that now I am "perfect". The changes she demanded and used as as reasons for wanting to leave actually occurred. In essence I became the man she wanted but now she resented me for giving her what she wanted. It was a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. My therapist said I need to consider the fact that their might have been anything I could have done to save the marriage, that this is entirely her doing. This puts me in a difficult situation because my nature is to be nice. I didn't think it was a big deal to tell her it is nice to see you or that I missed her and my son. I am trying and before I came into the house I did try to prepare my words. When I see her my heart fights my brain and sometimes he loses. I recognize I still have the attitude that I can fix the marriage if only she would listen to my words. This is something I am going to try harder on. A friend told me recently that "your Wife can't betray you anymore, the only one who can betray you now is yourself".


I don't care what she says at the moment, or what she requests of you. She fired you by asking for a D.
The changes you made are yours, do not seek her approval by trying to point them out. I bet that advice is in the DB books.
Make the changes and they will speak for themselves.
Women do not respect a man they can boss around. Not attractive.
Women love a challenge, and your changes are knocking her off balance a bit. Keep up the good work. Attractive!

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#2238779 - 04/18/12 12:39 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: HollyAnn]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Hey JC, I know exactly where you are at. I remember wanting to just grab my W and hug her as well as incessantly complimenting her. It is hard resist but you can stop this. Heck, I caught myself doing it yesterday when my W came over to sign our tax returns. I asked about her hair and was going to compliment it and realized in my head what am I doing, stopped it. My W also threw me for a loop with the clothes she was wearing but yet again the DBer's set me straight.

I tried to do the house exchange thing with my house at the beginning of my stitch but my W put an end to it after one week but it was not court ordered. Keep strong with your boundaries as your W does need to learn how divorced life is. I think my W is loving the divorced life personally but who knows, not a mind reader.

HollyAnn-(Sarcasm) Why do woman have to be so tricky. They don't respect a man they can boss around. Woman love a challenge. I assume this is different from one woman to the next. I have seen woman who love to boss men around. I don't like it personally but I swear there are other that do smile.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2238859 - 04/18/12 11:34 AM Re: looking for hope [Re: Snowman]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Another way to think of it JC is that the problems in the past.

You are dealing with it by improving yourself and working on your communication skills.

Your wife is dealing with it by asking for a divorce.

You need to realize that.

It is not fair for you to have to own all the issues. Nor is it healthy.

Nor is it fair for her to keep airing the laundry on past issues.

Nor is it healthy for you to keep believing what she is saying.

You saw the problems and started to work on them.

She saw problems and her way of dealing with it was to step out of the marriage.

Her Choice.

You have to stop validating her words to you about your "problems in her eyes". You heard them already and acted upon it.

STOP BEING NICE. IT IS A CHEESE-LESS TUNNEL.

Be civil and respectful.

You keep on this path and you end up owning all the issues , improve yourself and get a wife back who took zero blame for anything that happened in the marriage. Failed to improve herself and has successfully rewritten history to match her "feelings". She has all the proof she needs that her choices were correct because you continue to validate them.

No More Mr. Nice Guy. Go buy that today and read it.
If you have it.

Read it again.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#2238877 - 04/18/12 12:21 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: Snowman]
HollyAnn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/11
Posts: 111
Originally Posted By: Snowman
Hey JC, I know exactly where you are at. I remember wanting to just grab my W and hug her as well as incessantly complimenting her. It is hard resist but you can stop this. Heck, I caught myself doing it yesterday when my W came over to sign our tax returns. I asked about her hair and was going to compliment it and realized in my head what am I doing, stopped it. My W also threw me for a loop with the clothes she was wearing but yet again the DBer's set me straight.

I tried to do the house exchange thing with my house at the beginning of my stitch but my W put an end to it after one week but it was not court ordered. Keep strong with your boundaries as your W does need to learn how divorced life is. I think my W is loving the divorced life personally but who knows, not a mind reader.

HollyAnn-(Sarcasm) Why do woman have to be so tricky. They don't respect a man they can boss around. Woman love a challenge. I assume this is different from one woman to the next. I have seen woman who love to boss men around. I don't like it personally but I swear there are other that do smile.


No, it's not all that different from woman to woman.
They may appear to like it, but women do not respect a man they can lead around by the nose.

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#2238891 - 04/18/12 01:34 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: HollyAnn]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2593
Loc: VA
Quote:
PEOPLE do not respect a PARTNER they can lead around by the nose.

Fixed.

I have a thing about statements about "women" where we're lumped together and given crazy attributes. I'm pretty different from "women" I've heard about. I say what I mean and I mean what I say, I don't get emotional or irrational around my period, I talk straight and want to be talked straight to. I open my own doors. I carry my own boxes. I love masculine men who are confident. I grit my teeth when I see men trying to understand "women" through simplistic aphorisms. It's insulting.

I'll get off my soapbox and let you get back to your discussion, but if you think about women as people you won't go wrong.

smile
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2238971 - 04/18/12 06:23 PM Re: looking for hope [Re: adinva]
HollyAnn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/11
Posts: 111
Thanks, that was very patronizing.
But, tough [censored].
I know exactly what I mean and there are definite differences between men and women.

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