I didn't see it coming part 2

[breakdownbill]

I thought it was time to start a new thread as things are changing in my sitch as I change.

here's a link to my 1st part

I didn't see it coming part 1

Well I'm glad to say that I passed my 1st real test of detaching. Instead of worrying about what my W was doing last night I did some reading on the DB book.

My W even came home early last night, we talked and it was nice. I asked her if she'd caught up with her steps and how her friends were all doing. There was absolutely none of me feeling or acting like a victim & there hasn't been since Sunday.

This morning I was really comfortable talking to my W about her dancing (neither of us mentioned OM). Her friend called round so they could go out for coffee, while W was getting ready I made her friend feel welcome & was having a laugh & a joke about dancing with her, which my W joined in for about 5 mins before they left. I wished them a good time & said I'd see my W later for S6 Easter service.

I am proud of myself for my behaviour & positive attitude this week. I am going to continue to build on this & not get drawn into any more R talk for a good while yet.

I feel so much better, I'm sleeping and eating well again, taking exercise, dressing well and keeping busy. This week I've noticed girls 10 years younger than me giving me that second look & even caught a couple who gave me a shy smile. That was a real shot in the arm confidence wise.

I'm just about to go for a run & then do some more UNI work, today is a good day, I'm going to make the most of it.

Thank you DB'rs for keeping my spirits up these past few weeks. I owe you big time!!

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Journal entry

Well I'm kind of at a loss as to how I'm feeling today. I totally got the wrong impression from my W that she wanted to work things out & take them slowly.

We had a talk & she said that she's very happy with the way I have been since Sunday, that I seem so much happier, healthier and attractive and that I'm fun to be around. Then she said that emotionally she just isn't there at all & to not get my hopes up, because we'd been having lots of sex lately.

I said that I misread the situation and that I respect how you feel right now and that it's probably best if we don't discuss anything more about our R until I finish my course in May, when we can work out what we want to do next.

I'm not letting it bother me too much, because to be fair I am cake eating right now. But when the time comes if that's what she still wants, to be separated and see how that works out I will have to respect that wish.

If it's meant to be we'll get back together someday. The way I'm rationalising this in my head is that, before we were together me & my W had other partners, plus this R is no longer exclusive (hence the affair). Because if we do separate we will be seeing other people, that's the reality of it. Yeah the thought of my W with another man is not something I would hope for, but sometimes you just have to face up to reality and accept these things.

My W, to me will always be the mother of my children, a great friend, lover and companion.

Whatever happens I will make sure I'm the best DAD and the best ME that I can be.

I've been running quite a bit lately and eating better & I'm down to 180lb's which is pretty good for someone who's 6 "1. I feel great about myself physically, I'm communicating better with friends, family and my confidence is back. If I do get the gift of time from my W & we separate, I'm going to enjoy my time as a single guy. I've been with my beautiful W for 12 years and have completely forgotten what it's like to be single.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm at a cross roads right now, but I'm enjoying this stage too. My W and I are having the best sex of our R, we get along so much better and sometimes I have to pinch myself & say we're not together, but I'm loving the way we are, when we are together.

I don't know what the next chapter in my life will be, but I do know that there will be a next chapter.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Journal Entry

Well I had my counselling session today and it went really well. The guy who's counselling me is really nice and I feel so comfortable sharing how I feel with him.

How am I feeling today? I feel good, I feel like I'm learning so much about myself and I can't believe how far I have come in 9 days since I last cried. I look forward to every day, I have somehow managed to stop feeling guilty and blame myself for my R problems. I am completely focused on the here and now and ME. I feel so in tune with myself, and ready for whatever comes at me.

I feel like it could go either way with my M, and there has been so many positives this week in how me and my W have interacted. I've come to terms with the fact that my W might just need a break (permanent,temporary who knows) from being in a 12 year relationship. It would probably do both of us the world of good, but the 2 small people in our lives would definitely disagree.

I guess I'm saying that I'm in a much better place, physically and psychologically since the bomb (s) and, I am starting to love life and myself again. I am not living my life in the past or on eggshells anymore.

Today I walk tall, out of my shadow and open to the light that will show me the path to happiness.

Bill

[sandi2]

Did she actually tell you she wanted to work on the R and go slowly, or is that what you said?

So I kind of validated this & probed by saying, 'I realise now just how broken our R had become & that all's I wanted right now was to build our R slowly brick by brick, without any pressure or outside influence. I said that I wasn't ready to be full on & jump back into our R and that I'd like to take babysteps & take it slowly. My W seemed really happy about this and later on she flirted with me in bed & we made love. (YC the kissing was amazing, so much desire on both sides for each other).

Maybe you assumed she agreed with you? Maybe I missed it. At any rate, don't let your feelings lead you down this road only to be disappointed again, b/c you will read too much into what she says or doesn't say.

[breakdownbill]

Did she actually tell you she wanted to work on the R and go slowly, or is that what you said?

[color:#000099][/color]
she said that's what she wanted, but she might have meant past tense.


Maybe you assumed she agreed with you? Maybe I missed it. At any rate, don't let your feelings lead you down this road only to be disappointed again, b/c you will read too much into what she says or doesn't say.

Good advice, and to be fair I handled it well and just brushed it off as a misunderstanding (no sour grapes on my part).

Hi Sandi

Thanks for the advice, I haven't got my hopes up anymore about our R. I'm just living it day by day and I feel so much better for not feeling any guilt or pressure to make our M work at the moment. We are getting on so much better lately, my W even cooked a roast on Monday and did some cleaning (it's been months since she did any cleaning) and last night she made butterfly biscuits with the kids. So I'm happy that she's engaging more with the kids and starting to do her share around the house. There isn't any atmosphere between us, we talk loads and are still physically attracted to each other and have been ML frequently.

If we go ahead and separate after my course finishes next month, we'll do so on good terms. I feel at peace with it all at the moment, because either way I can see positives in working it out slowly or taking some time out to give each other space.

I feel a lot stronger to get through this since I started my counselling. I feel a lot more secure about who I am and what I want now.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Journal entry

I have to say that I've had a good last couple of days & that there seems to be absolutely no pressure or anxiety between me and my W.

Yesterday my W was very flirty prior to going out dancing & initiated ML last night when she got back. Then today my W invites me to go out for a walk on the beach with the kids, which was so much fun and we even held hands for a while & joked with the little guys together. Then this evening my wife makes Macaroni Cheese for dinner (Good Friday) & we all sat and ate as a family.

Without reading too much into this, I think there are some positive signs that my 180's are starting to pay off.

I just try to make the family time and time I have alone with my W as special as I can make it & I really appreciate & enjoy what I have more now. I realise that I may still ultimately lose my W, but if I do I won't have feelings of resentment, I'll have happy memories of the past and of how we've been getting on lately.

The time for talking R will come again sooner or later, but things sure are a lot easier when you don't talk about R stuff & you just do positive things. Right now, I just want things to take their course naturally without any pressure and just enjoy life.

Whatever happens I know it'll be OK, some of you guys are living proof & that's encouragement enough for me.

Bill

[YankeeCandle]

Hi Bill - It doesn't look like you will be losing your wife anytime soon! If she is initiating ML that is an excellent sign!! That you are having fun together and just enjoying each other's company is a fantastic development.

So, what 180's were you doing? Something in her has clicked, and I'm just curious as to when that might have happened. I'm almost convinced it was the time with you on the phone with your sis. I could be wrong, but that seemed to be the starting point, of her saying, "This man has balls," and she looked for other supporting evidence and you clearly stepped up to the plate.

Keep doing whatever you are doing. It is working.

[breakdownbill]

Hey YC

Thanks for your nice comments. Yeah things are going good at the moment, but I'm not taking anything for granted, just simply taking one day at a time. I try and make sure at least 1 positive thing in our interaction happens everyday. This is sometimes hard without pursuing, but because I was distant in our R, my 180's do involve a measure of pursuit (but not like the earlier stages of my sitch when I was behaving like a desperado!! - you know needing to feel loads of affection, wanting to spend every waking minute with my W). My W was right to push me away ( WTF was I thinking?)

180's

1. I never used to be supportive with my W getting up in the morning for work, now every morning I bring up some breakfast & a cup of tea & iron her clothes whilst I get the kids ready for school.

2. I make sure I ask about my wife's day & show that I have been listening, by asking how her friends have been, reference stuff to other past coversations about her work. You know, just listening & when talking making sure I'm engaging with what we are talking about, having a joke about stuff.

3. Looking after myself more, eating better, running, lost about 20lbs since the bomb, dressing better (smart casual - most of the time), wearing nice aftershave, shaving every other day, going somewhere different to get my hair done.

4. Working on my confidence and assertiveness. I answer questions with conviction, now, not rudely - but I feel like I can make a decision without giving a s*@t. That sounds awful, but it works.
For example, a conversation in the past between me and my W. W: What shall we have for dinner? Me: I'm not bothered, I'll eat anything, I'm starving. W: Yeah I know, but what do you want? Me: Whatever you feel like I'll eat it etc..

Now: Same question W: What shall we have for dinner? Me: I fancy a nice Chilli, I'll make it if you like?
W: Ooh yeah, I love your chilli Me: Yeah, you do!!

5. Paying compliments, I must compliment my W on her hair & make up & figure every day now. But I don't waste these compliments, I make sure there is a bit of flirting on my part going on. Then when it comes to going to bed, I can go back to the earlier flirting / compliments. This has led to lots of ML, so physically I think things are much better now.

6. Communicating better with my W and kids & other family & friends. This is really good for me & I feel like I'm standing up for myself when in the past I would have been much more passive & just let people say / do what they wanted, instead of engaging in the conversation and putting forward what I wanted.

7. Forgetting my sitch, sounds weird but seriously how much effort do we put into worrying about what might happen & if only I had done this or not said that. I just tell myself that I've started a new R with my W. It has helped me loads in terms of dealing with anxiety about OM and what my WAW is thinking. I don't snoop anymore, I act like I trust my W 100%, because I do, I trust her to do whatever she wants to do. If she wants to leave our M, have a separation, have an affair - then that is her choice. Worrying about that is not only not going to change these scenarios from possibly happening, it will probably make them a realisation. I have a strict NO PRESSURE policy on our fragile R, and see this stage as laying solid foundations for possibly a better M, but definitely a better R and friendship.

8. Taking things slow (emotionally). What I mean by that is not trying to force anything, you know anything that would feel like a date (that would be pressure at the moment). It is better at this present time to only do things together outside of the home as a family. This takes away all the pressure, but leaves the window open for progress in small doses. Talking, having fun, this Friday we held hands on the beach whilst we watched the kids play, which was a big, big improvement.

9. Absolutely no talk about our M or the OM. (she said it was over with the OM & come to think of it with me as well ;-) so I can't see any benefit for me in thinking or talking about it).

10. Projecting an image of happiness & contentment, I am a lot happier, but the whole making other people around you feel at ease by being fun to be with is so simple and it works. It works because if you are happy it rubs off on your S and you have this cycle of good feeling going on.


Well these are my 180's and I'm happy with these and myself right now, I've got a long way to go on my journey. I'm still going to individual counselling and growing as a person. I just want to be happy & be a good Dad, IF I win my W's heart back as well, then that will be the icing on the cake. However, as we all know on here IF is the biggest 2 letter word going and it's better to have low or no expectations, than deluded high hopes of a Hollywood ending.

Bill

[YankeeCandle]

Bill,

These aren't 180's...they are 360's!!! Soooo happy for you and congratulations on all the progress you are making.

I have been doing some backsliding lately, but you are an inspiration. I shall now get back on track.

Particularly inspired when you said:

"Forgetting my sitch, sounds weird but seriously how much effort do we put into worrying about what might happen & if only I had done this or not said that. I just tell myself that I've started a new R with my W. It has helped me loads in terms of dealing with anxiety about OM and what my WAW is thinking. I don't snoop anymore, I act like I trust my W 100%, because I do, I trust her to do whatever she wants to do. If she wants to leave our M, have a separation, have an affair - then that is her choice. Worrying about that is not only not going to change these scenarios from possibly happening, it will probably make them a realisation. I have a strict NO PRESSURE policy on our fragile R, and see this stage as laying solid foundations for possibly a better M, but definitely a better R and friendship."

Thank you!

[breakdownbill]

YC

Ah thanks for telling me all that. Try not to worry about backsliding too much, you are doing so good with your GAL!!!

I think the big turning point for me was the text message my W sent about possibly not going on the holiday (vacation) with me & the kids in June. It was like a real slap in the face, you know when someone tells you to snap out of it. I realised and accepted the fact that my W is / was ? so unhappy being with me, that she didn't want to go on the holiday of a lifetime for our children. I was a mess on that day, but when I woke up the next morning - I really woke up to my situation & started to address some of the things in my life that I am not happy with.

As much as I love my W and want to save my M, I can only do so much & this still might not be enough to convince my W to give it another go in the future. But you know what, this is OK, because I know I'll find happiness either way. These changes are not for my W, these are for ME and this is my choice and nobody else's.

Bill