Indecision and the affair continues (part 3)

[Nblost]

Quick update,
I went on my women's retreat and it was fantastic. Great chance to bond with a mix of women and share experiences. It was interesting to hear a range of perspectives. In some ways, definitely a lesson that no one's life is perfect (married, divorced, widowed, single). And also a lesson in that we can all make it through very challenging situations and make it out the other side in a better place.

I came out of that with a renewed sense of calm and that I am on the right path. I am really feeling like I'm done with H and ready to move on.

That said, I get home and H is nice/friendly. He's still in the house and stayed with the kids for a couple nights this week while I had work travel. I doubt anything has changed with his affair situation, but he does seem more involved with the kids and maybe less in his "fog". He still seems in denial that I've filed or that I want him to move out. For example, this weekend, he's back on Saturday morning and wants to go to my parents place for the weekend as a family.

I guess I'm just tired of dealing with him and I'm feeling like I'd be happier if I moved on.

[par4me]

You do what you have to do.

[AprilT]

NBlost I think we all get to that point. I have come to believe that there is much more in life than crumbs....

And don't we deserve the whole cake??

[Walking]

I have come to believe that there is much more in life than crumbs....

And don't we deserve the whole cake??

Amen Sista!!

And to think it only took you 3 months and less than 90 posts to figure that out!

You a fast learner girl. U the Queen of Detachment - a very important DBing tool.

Keep at it ... and use this time to invest in loving yourself - thats what this journey is ultimately all about!!

[Nblost]

Ha! It's been almost 9 months and 250+ posts on this website...amen is right!

I'm still very challenged by H. He sends mixed signals and I think he is still conflicted. He's also very overwhelmed by work so I'm not sure he's even willing to think about his personal life.

I'm just living life--staying active, trying to be present for the kids, focusing on work, etc. It's powerful to realize that I'm not even sure I want to be married...this single life is kind of nice! (I think I'm burned out!)

[Rogerio]

Hi Nblost. It has been a couple of weeks since your last post and I hope you are OK. I have followed your thread since the beginning and marvel at your great strength and patience. Please let us know you are doing.

Best regards,
Rogerio

[Nblost]

Thanks Rogerio!
I've been very busy the last couple weeks. Went to my parents for Memorial Day weekend (H flew back on Sunday night and joined us, but I left after a couple hours to return home with my oldest D). I had a great trip this week for work.

No real update. H told me he misses me a couple times this past week. I've been cordial to him, but pretty "dim". It isn't really a strategy...I continue to feel detached and I also don't really enjoy our interactions. He says some nice things, but until he's willing to say his affair is over or there is any change...I just don't believe anything he says.

H also has a very unpredictable travel schedule that's becoming very annoying. I think one lesson through all of this is that H is a workaholic and I've never been very happy because of that. I had put a lot of my life on hold around his work and work schedule (not all his fault, I should have realized what was happening and made changes myself)

Kids are doing well. They really aren't very clear on what's happening because H is still in the house. (I've continually asked him to move out but he won't...his latest excuse is that rental prices here go down in September so he'd like to wait until then)

I think H may be starting to realize what he's losing...but sadly, he can't verbalize anything and he won't do anything brave to try to save things with me or with the kids.

I did find evidence (found an old phone bill in the bottom of a pile) that showed H was texting with OW a year ago at this time. Their PA didn't start (I don't think) until early August of 2011...but the EA probably started a year ago from now. Doesn't really matter except to highlight how long this has been going on and how many chances H has had to try to make things right.

I'm keeping in touch with the guy I met in January...we've seen each other about once a month. We're taking things slow and both have major schedule issues with our kids (and are both prioritizing kids over anything else right now). I've also continued to meet a range of new friends. I can honestly say that for the most part--life is good. I feel lucky to have a great family, friends, career, my health, etc.

There is light at the end of the tunnel!

[Nblost]

Today will be "interesting". H is back for a couple days and has been continuing to push on the idea of our kids meeting OW.

We are seeing a family counselor today to discuss this. I've told him I will only allow the kids to meet OW if we work with a counselor and they convince me it's a good idea. We are seeing a counselor recommended by my counselor who works a lot with kids.

H and I still haven't clearly communicated to the kids that we're divorcing. He is still in the house and besides his extensive "work travel"...hard for them to tell things are different. He thinks it'd be fun to take the kids to OW's city or have her travel here with her three kids to meet my kids.

She has three kids and is not yet divorced either.

I think it's too soon and our kids need their dad...not a whole new family. I would accept this if we had been divorced 6-12 months at this point.

He also told me he thinks it'd be good for the kids to see an example of a good relationship.

We haven't had an R talk for a long time and I told him how I think I've been incredibly patient with this situation and I have never bashed him in front of the kids. He's putting a lot at risk for a fun summer trip.

He's told his parents about OW. Interesting because I've also opened up to my parents about her as
well. I don't consider it "exposing" as much as being fair to our parents on why we are in a very difficult place. Plus, after a year, I'd argue it is what it is at this point...

[kml]

He also told me he thinks it'd be good for the kids to see an example of a good relationship.

I cannot BELIEVE you didn't sock him in the jaw right then and there!

[Nblost]

kml, I basically told him they likely do have a better relationship than us because he's making an effort with her. I then broke down and left the room. H called after me and I know it bothered him that I was upset.

We saw the counselor. H said he believes we're on the path to divorce and he wants to introduce the kids to OW and her family so they can start making some fun plans as an integrated family.

Our counselor was great. He said H needs to get out of the house NOW. I've been enabling him too long and men will take advantage for as long as they can. I've been trying to say this to H for several months but it was great to have the counselor say it.

Our kids need to adjust to H being in his own place for 4-6 months before he should even think about introducing OW to them. They need to understand that we're splitting...otherwise, they could blame/hate her.

H and the counselor both said I've been amazingly calm and supportive through all of this...H said I've been "fantastic". ("great"...really glad I'm hitting it out of the park as a betrayed spouse)

H left and the counselor said it'll be very interesting to see how he reacts to truly separating from me. He hasn't had to face the reality of having his own place. I think H is a little scared. Counselor also said he needs a schedule and it's been unfair to me that he comes and goes as he pleases.

H seemed to accept what the counselor said, but I am guessing he's upset. I felt happy after the session...finally getting some movement on this. But, I'm also sad. However, I can tell trying to work on anything with H would be wasted effort and I'm truly not sure I want him back.

Very glad we got the counselor's advice.