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#2238307 - 04/16/12 03:00 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
ncl Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 583
NB,

Your thread is one I keep up with, although I don't think I've ever posted to you before. I wanted to say I admire your strength and grace in dealing with a very difficult circumstance. I, too, dealt with infidelity in my sitch, and I had to take a strong stand as well. I wasn't the one who filed for divorce, but I did tell my h he had to leave the house as long as there was ow. I knew I very well might lose my marriage (which the old one needed to be lost anyway), but I couldn't live with knowing my h had something on the side. I'm happy to say that we are reconciling, but it took a long time and a LOT of DB'ing to get here (after a LOT of heartache). In my case I knew that even if we didn't reconcile, I'd still be okay and happy...better. I can tell that about you, too.

I'm so very glad you and your children had a good vacation. I took my kids to the beach last summer on my own while separated and when things were VERY ugly between h and myself. I will always be proud of myself for doing that. During a time of heartache for my family, I helped provide lots of smiles, laughs and memories for my kids. You did the same for your family.

Anyway, just wanted to tell you that someone out there in DB land checks in on you, hopes very good things for you and supports you in your decision. Hang in there and stay strong!

hugs, ncl
_________________________
aka lc4 : )

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#2238373 - 04/16/12 06:09 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: ncl]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Ncl,
Thank you.

I can look at your postings, but were you at the point like me where you felt like you didn't really want to be married anymore? I feel like I'm beyond where many people are on this forum. (which makes me wonder if I should leave...although I hope someone may find something of value in my postings)

I feel sick when I think of what a divorce means to our kids and about some of the social side of getting divorced (no longer doing some of the things we used to do with couples/friends). But, between H and I? I feel somewhere between detached and "dead".

I guess maybe we keep going down this path and we see if there is ever a "reawakening" with either of us.

Again, the Tough Love principles are really resonating with me. I think I should have applied them sooner.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2238558 - 04/17/12 11:18 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
ncl Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 583
Nb,

Reading over your post to me, I see SO much of myself in it! Did I feel "done" at times? You better believe it! I have been put through humiliation that was beyond my worst possible nightmares. I have had to hold my head high and put a smile on my face when I knew people were discussing my marriage around me and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head. I went from hating my husband at times to feeling sorry for him to just not caring about him at all. When I finally REALLY detached, my only goal was to co-parent effectively with him. I had accepted the fact that we were going to be divorced. It was tough getting to that place (and took me a very long time), but I did it. I didn't know what my future held, but I knew it would be good for the children and me.

We, too, are a very "social" family, and early on I saw friends and couples slip away and a decline in invitations to couple and family events when our problems became public knowledge. That was hurtful to me, but at the same time I could understand that they didn't want to be caught in the middle of our drama. In our case, ow lives in our town, runs in the same social circle and has children the age of ours. The ongoing affair caused not only our families hurt but also so many of our mutual friends. Our true friends are the ones who stayed through thick and thin, and I'm very grateful for them. We are also starting to socialize again as a couple, and while at first it has been a little uncomfortable, slowly things have become "normal" again.

Additionally, I HATED that my children would be shuffled back and forth between 2 homes (which we did for some time). All my dreams of how they would grow up in our great family "dream home" we built and live in and one day come back to visit with their own children were destroyed. I felt so very terrible for them, but in time I gained my strength and vowed to raise them the very best I could and offer them the most healthy life I could.

Also like you, I had a very nice gentleman express interest in me...he made it apparent that when I was ready to dip my toe back in the dating pool, he'd like to be the first to know. It felt great to get such positive attention! I knew that wasn't something I would be ready for until after my divorce was final (and probably a good while after that), but it felt good knowing there was someone out there who believed I was a beautiful and caring, kind and smart woman and that my husband was a FOOL for letting his attention drift elsewhere. I truly had become the woman only a FOOL would leave, and I had done it for ME, not for my husband.

So, when my husband came back to me (and this was the 3rd time he had filed for divorce, 2nd time he'd moved out...not to mention countless times he went back and forth between ow and me - some times I know about, no telling how many I don't), I was VERY hesitant and extremely guarded at first. BUT, as a DB'er, I had left the door to possible reconciliation cracked just a bit. I will admit in large part I did this because we have young children, and I believed I owed it to them to give the marriage another try. I can't say for certain that if we didn't have children or if they were grown that I would've done the same thing...I was so very tired of going through all the drama by this time. However, I can say with complete certainty that I'm SO very glad I did give our marriage another shot.

Piecing and reconciling hasn't always been easy, but the work has been so very worth it. Complete honesty and transparency is a must. No more phone and computer passwords, no more slipping away without letting me know where he is, etc. Total forgiveness is also a must...you have to let the past go and only concentrate on the here and now. Establishing and respecting boundaries is very important. It can't be assumed what is okay and what isn't...it must be stated and then honored. Additionally, we have started practicing true giving and gratitude to one another, and I can't describe the joy that brings to our marriage. Again, it's not easy and we certainly hit some bumps early on, BUT I feel like for the first time, we are really getting it right and that our marriage is getting stronger and better than ever before.

I will also say this...I know with certainty that if we had gone ahead with a divorce, I would be okay...not just okay, but fantastic. The kids would be great too. We would just have a new normal. My husband? I guess he'd have carried on just fine (but he wasn't my concern). So if you do decide to go forth with the divorce, know that you, too, will be okay...fantastic.

Only YOU know when you are truly done and the door to possible reconciliation is closed. I and others here will respect your decision either way. You have been through an extremely tough time, and again, I admire your strength and grace. I also admire your courage to put your foot down and say enough is enough of status quo. Whatever you do, I encourage you to stay on the boards. The support here has been so very important to me, no matter what place I have been in.

My advice isn't worth much...I did so much wrong so many times before I really started DB'ing, that actually I'm probably a great example of what NOT to do! However, I will say that detaching from the emotional drama (stepping off the roller coaster), going very dim (only communicating about what is absolutely necessary and not responding when it was ANYTHING else), GAL (as hard as it is with little ones, it's so very important you enjoy your life to the fullest!) and focusing on making you the very best you possible is what worked for me. My faith is also very important to me, and I couldn't have found true strength, forgiveness and grace without it . These things may not be what saved my marriage (it's absolutely essential your husband give up the affair for good, and only he can make that decision), but it did save me....and that's what DB is all about!

hugs, ncl
_________________________
aka lc4 : )

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#2238684 - 04/17/12 04:47 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: ncl]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Thanks ncl,
We do sound a lot alike in many ways...although your situation sounds tougher than mine (at least "my" OW is in a different city and my H is consistently ambivalent...ha ha). Hearing your journey was very helpful to me...thank you!!!

My H also knows I've gone on some dates and is very suspicious/jealous of me. I think he's partly upset and partly using his anger to lash out at me and justify what he's doing. Looking back, I shouldn't have gone on any dates yet, although...in a way, I also think it forced some reality on H. I agree it's also nice to have other men confirm that your husband is a FOOL for leaving you. You can't get overly dependent on it...but like I've said....very valuable to learn there are other fish in the sea and you can have fun again.

I'm not sure there's much of anything you can do while the affair is ongoing. I think everyone makes mistakes along the way. I guess it is just focusing on yourself and making yourself happily detached that's the key no matter what happens.

I have a very hard time seeing my H coming back. I can see him eventually waking up from the affair (or more likely, getting dumped). But, he's never been very realistic about long-term relationships and the work that's involved. One of my fears is that even if he came back...we'd get 3-4 months into tough counseling and he'd want to bail again.

That said, my H can be a very fun, loving, sweet guy. I just don't know that he values me enough to go through the effort or make me/the family a priority.

The good news now is that I'm at the point where I continue to care less and less what he thinks or does.

I agree that hopefully life is fantastic no matter what happens. I think some people on this board lose sight of how good life can be when you are alone. :-) (especially versus putting up with all this crap!)

Thanks again!
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2240397 - 04/24/12 12:59 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
H came back again for last weekend. He took the kids a bit. Overall, it's just become awkward when he's in the house. He tries to act friendly and I am sort of friendly, but there's so much between us.

While he was back, I found a receipt that he and OW had been to "my" city while I had the kids on spring break. I don't think they visited the house...just stayed in a couple nice hotels. But of course he lied about it and told me he had been here looking at houses...wanted to respect me and not stay in "my" house while he was here if the kids weren't around. (Ha ha...)

I was very upset with H yesterday. He has the following logic chain going...luckily I have the divorce filing so he can't do any of this without my permission.

I filed for divorce.
I've now asked him to move out.
He needs to buy a house (doesn't think he can afford rent??) to grant me my wish.
The house he can afford needs a lot of work.
He won't be able to have the kids there for several months while work is being done.
To see the kids, he then wants to bring them to OW's city.
The kids can stay with OW for the month of August while he works/takes vacation days.

I told him I'm not comfortable with that. We're still married and I don't want my three girls involved with OW until we're divorced.


He's now pressuring me to send him proof of funds so he can make an offer on this house. I'm not comfortable.

So ridiculous. I'm meeting with my counselor tonight.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2240448 - 04/24/12 03:28 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Put it in the divorce agreement that the kids cannot be in contact with OW until such and such conditions are met... I am sure someone can come along with some examples.

Other ways are kids are not allowed to travel more than x KM from the house without approval.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#2240486 - 04/24/12 05:23 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: chatterbug]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11976
OR - just accept that they are going to meet her and that you really can't prevent this. Yes, them meeting her before you all divorce carries the risk that they'll figure out he was cheating and may hurt their image of their father - but that's his problem to deal with. And truthfully, by August, if they already know you're divorcing, they may not even connect the dots.

Did you ever see the movie She-Devil with Rosanne Barr? For some reason, I am envisioning the scene where the kids go to stay with her ex and his mistress, Meryl Streep - too too funny.

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#2240490 - 04/24/12 05:55 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: kml]
ncl Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 583
NB,

I suggest seeking advice from both your therapist and your attorney on this matter. I would NOT want my young children to go stay with my husband and OW either before the divorce was final. Do you think your husband is serious about this, or is he using this as a manipulation tactic to get something he wants?

When he starts demanding/asking/pressuring on matters you do not feel comfortable discussing, refer the matter to your attorney and tell him you have done so. I don't mean for you to do this as a way of causing more drama, but rather as a way for you to not have to be the bad guy and to take the pressure off of you. Attorneys are paid the big bucks for this very reason (at least that is what my attorney always told me!). Until the court orders otherwise, you don't owe him a darn thing. Remember that.

Also, it doesn't hurt to remember that August is still a good bit in the distance, and that your husband has some serious reality checks (with going through separation and divorce and shared custody and split finances) before that time. His fantasy land of being able to escape with OW is about to have some rude awakenings. Sure, right now it is really easy for them to carry on in la la land, considering they don't have kids, mortgages, bills, family, friends, etc to consider. Things change DRASTICALLY when it's no longer an undercover affair. I speak from experience on this matter!

Again, I am in awe of your strength and grace during this time. Just keep standing up for what you believe is best and healthiest for your children and you. I know that you are in a very tough and stressful position. I will be praying for you. Keep us updated as you can.

hugs, ncl
_________________________
aka lc4 : )

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#2240494 - 04/24/12 06:08 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: kml]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Part of me is with you kml...I know there is a piece of me that's just being a bit petty/jealous.

H is also pushing my buttons too. From what he's saying now, he would take the kids to OW's city (where we lived for 14 years prior to moving across the country about 2 years ago). He would take them for the MONTH of August. They would would stay with OW. She would take care of our three girls while H works. I'm sure her three kids (similar in age to my oldest) would be around a good chunk of the time.

I don't know her. So I told H that even if I did approve, I would want to meet her before she stayed alone with our kids.

OW lives in a multimillion dollar house and I'm sure it's very "fun". H thinks they'd have a great time. So, am I also insecure about them wanting to live or move there? Yes.

If he was talking about taking them out to dinner with OW some evening in August? I still wouldn't like it...but okay, it's manageable.

I'm also not crazy about H sleeping with OW while the girls are in her house. He sort of agreed that was a bad idea...but then later said it wouldn't be reasonable for them to sleep apart for a month. Keep in mind our girls very frequently like to crawl in bed with us.

He can't take them under the divorce filing...I have to give permission for them to go out of state.

It's just a very stressful, hurtful distraction.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2240916 - 04/26/12 09:48 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
ncl Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 583
Originally Posted By: Nblost
I don't know her. So I told H that even if I did approve, I would want to meet her before she stayed alone with our kids.

I'm also not crazy about H sleeping with OW while the girls are in her house. He sort of agreed that was a bad idea...but then later said it wouldn't be reasonable for them to sleep apart for a month. Keep in mind our girls very frequently like to crawl in bed with us.

He can't take them under the divorce filing...I have to give permission for them to go out of state.

It's just a very stressful, hurtful distraction.


NB,

Your concerns are not selfish, petty ones. They are valid.
The ball is in your court; as you mentioned, he needs your permission to take them out of state. Until you are comfortable with that, hold tight to your boundaries and standards.
This is still very early in the D process (even though your sitch has been ongoing for some time), so don't feel rushed to make any decisions right now.

Believe me...I know this is VERY stressful and VERY hurtful, but you are doing great. Hang in there.

((( )))
_________________________
aka lc4 : )

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