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when it comes to the kids, it's so hard not to want to step in and say.. "hey! stop hurting my kids!". and then having to step back and say.. oh yes.. it's your kids too.
some of the stuff S says to me breaks my heart but i know if i say anything to H, it will come across as judgement. i've noticed lately that S voices things directly to H.. "why don't you live here anymore? i want you to live here with us!" and instead of just accepting and being quiet.. S is now visibly getting upset. i've noticed it's way more powerful coming from S then it ever could have coming from me.
it does seem like you know what you need to do. you're a very wise.. strong women. i truly admire you.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I'm so sorry that your son is having such a hard time with his dad. I'm in a kinda similar sitch with my H and 3 kids. My youngest (D8) would light her hair on fire at this point if she thought it would get her father's attention. Of course, he doesn't recognize any of it.
In the last several years, as my H has been going through the early part of his MLC (I believe him to now be the poster child of MLC) he has stopped being a co-parent and has been dependent on me to nurture his relationships with our children. Well, that is the one thing that I have been really able to do since bomb drop - not be responsible for his relationships with our children. They are smart enough to see what's going on and who is here supporting them, and who is around only when it suits him.
Hang in there and know that your boys will pull through this, even if we don't like that they have to struggle at all.
Me: 42 H: 44 M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2 S: 14 D: 10 D: 8 Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me) 1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12 2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12 Moved out: 2/12/12
Hey Bug, sory you have to see your son hurt like that. Definitely one of the hardest parts of being a parent.
Completely get letting them work their own R out. Doesn't mean support can't be given though. Validation of how son is hurt and taking an opportunity to offering guidance if it happens is ok too IMHO. But your S has to be open to it of course.
If he is like your H, then he may be acting in a way he feels he should by what he has seen. How can he see something more healthy so he can learn a better way?
Me:43, W:42 S:14, D:10 M:20, T:23 Bomb: July 2010 June '12: Starting to piece back together - early stages.
sorry to read about what happened with s19, labug.
what struck me right away in many of the responses as well as yours was that, it doesn't really matter what age the kids are, they all get affected as deeply. i'm dealing with exactly the same thing with s10 right now - and actually wishing that he wasn't like his dad and kept all his feelings in and just let h know how he was hurting. funny how all of us are describing the same traits in the WAS and the kids
i hope that as you talk to your son it encourages him to express himself. also thought i would mention a book i read at the beginning of my switch that really describes how to deal with this - the idea of letting the be responsible for their own relationship. it's called 'The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner and what you wrote is exactly what she talks about and how to get there - really let each member of the family be responsible for their relationship with each other person.
hope things are better for son and he's not too down still today
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Genralissimo Francisco Franco is Still Dead And I'm OK with that.
I've gotten to a place where I can see myself separate from the marriage and separate from the complaints that caused H to leave. I am no longer the person he left. I realize and respect the changes in me, I'm a happier person, I have good friends, I have a great work place and enjoyable, rewarding work. I am creating my own life now. I have enough, I am enough.
H can either see that and decide to work on things, see it and decide not to work on things or choose not to see it at all.
All things I can do nothing about and I refuse to spend anymore of my life worrying about what he's doing, how he's feeling, or whether I dotted the i right in my last email to him.
I'm a good person with flaws. But I do think I'm becoming a woman only a fool would leave!
It has taken me a year to get here but his feeling is worth every painful minute of it.
Me 56/H 57 M 35 S 24 away at college S 20 at home Bomb #1 11/09 Bomb #2 3/11 He moved out 3/11 Piecing 9/13