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#2234898 - 04/02/12 06:03 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Sorry Bug! I am starting to see that my s15 is becoming angrier w/ my w's lack of involvement and they both stuff their feelings as well.

I try to be their for him and ask him about things and he has 0 interest in talking about it at this time. Not much we can do about it.

Hope your IC goes/went well.
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2234954 - 04/02/12 11:03 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: sayitaintso]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1078
Loc: Hawaii
Hey Labug!

The part about the boys is the hardest thing. My H has very little interaction with our sons. I always wished he would be more interactive with them. But can't make someone be what they aren't.

And I guess for years I have just made all the plans and forced what interactions we do/did have.

Many times one or the other of our boys would try to talk to their dad in the evening, and he would get upset if they were disturbing him while a TV show was on he wanted to see.

This past few years I have taken to saying: We do have a DVR, You can hit pause. Which he does, but so grudgingly.

I hope all continues to go well for you. I'm way behind on my quilting, I'll be burning some midnight oil to get done in time for the quilt show!

Aloha,

Wendy
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2234975 - 04/03/12 12:54 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: WenikiTiki]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/11
Posts: 757
when it comes to the kids, it's so hard not to want to step in and say.. "hey! stop hurting my kids!". and then having to step back and say.. oh yes.. it's your kids too.

some of the stuff S says to me breaks my heart but i know if i say anything to H, it will come across as judgement. i've noticed lately that S voices things directly to H.. "why don't you live here anymore? i want you to live here with us!" and instead of just accepting and being quiet.. S is now visibly getting upset. i've noticed it's way more powerful coming from S then it ever could have coming from me.

it does seem like you know what you need to do. you're a very wise.. strong women. i truly admire you.

(((( ))))
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2234979 - 04/03/12 01:13 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
finding nemo Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 81
Labug,

I'm so sorry that your son is having such a hard time with his dad. I'm in a kinda similar sitch with my H and 3 kids. My youngest (D8) would light her hair on fire at this point if she thought it would get her father's attention. Of course, he doesn't recognize any of it.

In the last several years, as my H has been going through the early part of his MLC (I believe him to now be the poster child of MLC) he has stopped being a co-parent and has been dependent on me to nurture his relationships with our children. Well, that is the one thing that I have been really able to do since bomb drop - not be responsible for his relationships with our children. They are smart enough to see what's going on and who is here supporting them, and who is around only when it suits him.

Hang in there and know that your boys will pull through this, even if we don't like that they have to struggle at all.
_________________________
Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12

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#2234998 - 04/03/12 02:34 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: barely floating]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Hey Bug, sory you have to see your son hurt like that. Definitely one of the hardest parts of being a parent.

Completely get letting them work their own R out. Doesn't mean support can't be given though. Validation of how son is hurt and taking an opportunity to offering guidance if it happens is ok too IMHO. But your S has to be open to it of course.

If he is like your H, then he may be acting in a way he feels he should by what he has seen. How can he see something more healthy so he can learn a better way?
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2235039 - 04/03/12 04:41 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: ces67]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
sorry to read about what happened with s19, labug.

what struck me right away in many of the responses as well as yours was that, it doesn't really matter what age the kids are, they all get affected as deeply. i'm dealing with exactly the same thing with s10 right now - and actually wishing that he wasn't like his dad and kept all his feelings in and just let h know how he was hurting. funny how all of us are describing the same traits in the WAS and the kids

i hope that as you talk to your son it encourages him to express himself. also thought i would mention a book i read at the beginning of my switch that really describes how to deal with this - the idea of letting the be responsible for their own relationship. it's called 'The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner and what you wrote is exactly what she talks about and how to get there - really let each member of the family be responsible for their relationship with each other person.

hope things are better for son and he's not too down still today

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2235630 - 04/05/12 04:00 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Genralissimo Francisco Franco is Still Dead And I'm OK with that.

I've gotten to a place where I can see myself separate from the marriage and separate from the complaints that caused H to leave. I am no longer the person he left. I realize and respect the changes in me, I'm a happier person, I have good friends, I have a great work place and enjoyable, rewarding work. I am creating my own life now. I have enough, I am enough.

H can either see that and decide to work on things, see it and decide not to work on things or choose not to see it at all.

All things I can do nothing about and I refuse to spend anymore of my life worrying about what he's doing, how he's feeling, or whether I dotted the i right in my last email to him.

I'm a good person with flaws. But I do think I'm becoming a woman only a fool would leave!

It has taken me a year to get here but his feeling is worth every painful minute of it.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2235631 - 04/05/12 04:02 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
as his ^^^ was posting I saw zig's tag line:

Quote:
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


a god thing...
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2235632 - 04/05/12 04:04 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Bravo, bug! You've taken your happiness and life back into your own hands! Just keep re-reading this post when you're starting to feel down.
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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#2235640 - 04/05/12 04:28 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
YES! YES! YES!

i'm right behind you, getting to that place - flaws and all

see you there (grin)
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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