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#2238140 - 04/16/12 01:37 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Well back home with the family. It was a nice trip. Family and I had some good quality time together, something I wish I would have done ages ago. Also had some time with W just the two of us hanging out. W again talked about having another child.

As one expects the kids did act up, but when they did W and I were on the same page regarding discipline, etc. Kids were not able to pit W and I against each other, like they could in the past. In the five days we were together we did not argue even though the kids and weather took the best out of me (and her according to W).

I am living my life striving to be the best SIW I can be. Although the W has not brought up the D, I am anxious about what lies ahead. When I am not worried about a future I cannot control living my life is so much easier. I do not know why I let my mind wonder.

I need to stay on my path, I just wish I did not wander off every now and then.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238361 - 04/16/12 05:23 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Limboland (or me venting)

The issue of being in Limbo and advice given by those came up in another forum today. Due to a power outage I was stuck in the elevator for 2.5 hours without power. Lot of time to sit and reflect.

Is it better to take things day by day or simply acknowledge that my R is in a state of Limbo? Don't know how to answer that one and see the pros and cons of both approaches.

In my head I have an internal timeline of where I want my life to be 1, 2, 3, and 6 months from now. Keeping a little check list of where I am at with my kids, job and W. Keeps me focused and when I am getting down on myself lets me remember where I came from and where I have been.

Is it possible to happy and miserable at the same time? I love the connection I now have with my kids, the time I spend with my W and the family. I then am sad b/c I want so much more. I then tell myself to step back.

Maybe this is vacation hangover, but we all had such a good time. Actually it is usually like that when we are all hanging it. If things are going good, why then do I insist that the other proverbial shoe will drop with my W?

And really up to this point none of her actions have really hurt me (taking the ring off, changed F/B status, and met with L). Maybe since she is saying nothing I am assuming that she is still proceeding with the D.

I can't read her mind (or anyone's mind) for that matter so I should just relax. I know that I have to be patient with my W if I want to have a R with her again.

I think a couple games of Chutes and Ladders with D6 will settle me down tonight.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238428 - 04/16/12 10:18 PM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Well tonight was interesting, W went to kickboxing and came home took a shower and then told me that I was smothering her. I don't know how I was since I saw her briefly before work and an hour tonight.

I was becoming frustrated because I have let her commence the communication and have kept the conversations short. W told me she was trying, but she does not know how to change her feelings. I said that there are people the could possibly help us.

I then said that until she tells me that she wants to discuss reconciliation I fully expect her to proceed with D.

Does someone have a towel I can throw?
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238493 - 04/17/12 04:41 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Well on a positive note I know that my R with the kids is still fantastic and will continue to be despite W.

I don't know how to apporach her. Do I chalk it up to her being exhausted from the trip? After we talked she said that she needs to get used to being home and wanted to be alone to read her book. Said I had no problem with that and if she would have told me the kids and I would have left the house or done something without her.

W asked if she could take the kids to her friends house in two weeks since her friend's H is out of town that weekend. I said that it sounds like you will have a good time. The old SIW would have been mad that she was taking the kids for the weekend, but I simply smiled and said have fun.

This morning I will get the kids ready like I normally do and focus on them.

W told me that she has closed herself off to me and does not know what she can do to change that. I was reading some of MWD's old posts wherein she said that love is not only a feeling, but a choice and that you have to decide each morning to do things that will bring you closer to your spouse and stop doing things that push you away further.

I know that if I continue to stir the pot with her that will annoy her and nothing good will come of it. That is a waste of time and energy, but at this point I am frustrated.

I told her that if she moves out or proceeds with the D I cannot stop her. That is her choice and I cannot change it.

To this point, I have been taking things day by day, never bringing up our R or the future. She has been discussing family plans and wanting to have another child.

I am expecting the worse from W and hoping for the best.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238511 - 04/17/12 08:01 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
W and I talked this morning before the kids were up. W told me that she wanted to be left alone Monday Night and did not want to talk. Said we could have avoided the whole conversation if I just let her be.

She then told me that she does not want me to think that everything is now OK since we went on vacation. Simply told her that I know this.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238540 - 04/17/12 10:27 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8564
Loc: Sonoran Desert
This is a process of learning about and improving yourself. We all get to our endpoint, whatever that may be. at different times because we have different lessons to learn.

Some people do things a different way, it works for them and they then think everyone should do it their way. I've had enough spins on this planet to know that there is no one size fits all for what humans do from birth to death and everything in between.

There are a few universal requisites, like boundaries and respect. Everyone deserves those, everyone should honor those.

Would what you are doing right now be any different if you were physically separated, divorced, alone, dating?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2238542 - 04/17/12 10:30 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
If we were physically separated I would be doing less with the kids and house and have more time on my own. The interactions with W would be less and probably focused on the kids and finances.

If I were divorced it would be pretty much like separated.

Alone - I think that is where I am right now.

Dating - I would not lose sight of my 180's and listen and listen.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238554 - 04/17/12 11:08 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8564
Loc: Sonoran Desert
But, would you still be working on yourself or would you let that go because the marriage was over?

Are your changes just a tactic to get her back?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2238557 - 04/17/12 11:12 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
I would still be doing my 180's and working on being a better SIW. I guess I should have addes that the 180's would be done in any of the above-referenced situations.

If my changes were a tactic to get her back I think I would have stopped awhile ago.

Most of my 180's had to do with the kids, finances and household stuff, I am making strides in these three areas. A few of my 180's for my wife are to listen, be more open minded and no snooping.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2238565 - 04/17/12 11:25 AM Re: I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3 [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8564
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Because no matter where I go, there I am.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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