I have done a lot of work on myself since the fall, it's nice to know you guys have noticed too. What's funny is it took me months to get to where I was in the fall. It you had heard me in the summer I was in hysterics from may to august.
In mid July I started drinking one day at 10am just to calm myself down and keep from crying hysterically. A week later I poured all the booze in my house down the drain.
End of July I found alanon.
End of august I began lurking on these boards
In sept I got on meds and that was another big step.
I had barely had it together enough to take care of my kids. I will say in those darkest of days my girls are what keep me going. When I think of last summer I remember days of heaven with my girls in the park and nights of hell waiting for my h to come home from the bar.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Another beautiful day with my girls. They are so ridiculously cute these days. This morning I said to my almost 2 year old "Lets hit the road Jack" and she said "I Ava, I Ava!" Too sweet. We went on to have a wonderful day in the park with friends.
Late in the afternoon H and I meet up and exchange the kids. Its awful. I am starting to feel numb around him. Especially when I am saying good-bye to the girls. It is not fun. I cant forgive him. I see him as evil when I have to leave my kids.
I really starting to wonder if I can ever heal from this. To imagine 18 more years of handing off my children is unbearable. To think that I could love someone again that has inflicted our family with this disease is unimaginable.
Didnt get much done this evening but I am going to bed early and I have a busy day tomorrow.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I was very busy today. I worked and had dinner with a friend. Got myself totally bummed out when I called my girls to say goodnight over the phone. I hate it. I hate when people say it will be better when they are older and can talk more. I hate that I am a part time mom. If my H didnt want a family why did we have one.
I am venting. I know I have many many things to be grateful for but sometimes I hate him.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I am sorry you had a rough night. It is hard leaving the kids and little kids never want to talk on the phone mine are older and they don't want to either. Know they love you. You are their mommy and kids always need their mommy.
Sometimes it is hard to see what you have to be grateful for when you are hurting. BIG HUGS... I wish I was in NY would come over and commiserate with you.
I cannot imagine what you feel but sooner than later it will be my reality too. I am dreading it. So when I get to that point you can give me tips on how to deal.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Much better day today and interaction with H. I am always happier receiving the kids back then giving them up. (If I were only more generous).
H called me when he was walking D3 to school and said she was having a fit cause she didnt have her favorite blue jacket if they could stop by en route. I said "of course" and then I was so excited, cause I knew that we could all walk to school together. It was wonderful. I carried the d1 who will be d2 on friday and she was so so cute and sweet and sooo excited to see her mommy.
We had a nice walk to school and stopped for coffee on the way home. H talked about his job and I told him how great he was at it. He asked me about a career move and my initial response disagreed with his. I back away from my position a little but still dont think I validated his side enough.
I kind of beat myself up a little when I dont think I give the perfect answer. I know my DB coach would say just repeat what he says and validate, validate, validate. But I know I have to be true to myself some too. I get confused and just get mad at myself for not being perfect.
H said he would come by later with D3's "woofie" cause she likes to sleep with him. We both forgot about it but needless to say D3 remembered him at bedtime and starting crying "Daddy forgot my woofie" I was able to calm her down but dont know how or if I should mention it to him.
Today the main thing I was thinking to myself was my H is a fool. We had such a nice walk and the girls love us both so much. And I am so not an evil b!tch
But I know H is not very busy at work this week so I know he will have his lawyer do something. I know I know cant predict the future...
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I am a few months behind you but I can completely feel your pain. I haven't had to "hand off" the kids yet, but I am bracing for it. It sounds like you are handling yourself with class in dealing with your H despite an extremely emotional situation. I wouldn't beat yourself up for not saying "exactly" the right thing. I would give yourself a pat on the back for coming as far as you have come!
M 37, H 37 M 10, T 12 S 4 D 2 3/14/12 ILYBNILWY 4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing 4/26/12 H moves to his new place
We can't and won't always say the "right" thing. Maybe their is no right thing to say. All you can do is be you the best you there is. So what if he doesn't like what you said, what can he do that is worse than what he has already done? I am sure when you first met you said what you really thought!!
You have done so much work on yourself and it shows. Keep your chin up B!!
