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#2235018 - 04/03/12 03:42 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: AJM]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Thank you, AJM. I keep wondering why this is so hard to except. It's been four months. I guess it's because this was sprung on me and because of what I've learned about MLC. It would be easier if we had fought all the time and we both knew we were better off apart. The kids are struggling with it for the same reason. All they've known is two parents who were affectionate and had a friendship and, poof, it was gone. I started a new job today and all I could think of is how much I wanted to share all of the details with my H because that's what I would have done for the last 23 years. He would have been so proud of me and we would both be excited about the extra money, something that we've missed since I stopped working years ago. I miss the companionship and affection so much. Where are all of the success stories? Do people truly not come out of this and return to the family that loves them? I must sound pathetic. I'm truly more together than I'm sounding right now. I've come a long way since December, but I have a deep sadness. I also feel such a strong connection to my H that I wonder how I will ever fully separate and be open to loving another man.

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#2235021 - 04/03/12 03:58 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
tadpole1025 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 975
Loc: Phoenix, AZ
Hi GM. I'm sorry you are here. I haven't read your entire thread yet, but reading your post above sounds so much like the feelings that I've been through. All I can say is that it does get better. It really does. My XW dropped the bomb on me in October of 2010 and we are now divorced. Do I still have hope? Sometimes I do, but not like I did. It does getter better with time. Time is your friend. Come to this board and post often. The people here are wonderful.

Tad
_________________________
Currently:
M 46
XW 47
Sons 28,23,21,19


The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13

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#2235027 - 04/03/12 04:19 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2335
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Hi GM,

These are the longest of days, I feel for you as I go through them myself...like you, I want to share the details, and my W's details, and I miss my best friend...all the advice to GAL and detach is what is holding me together...it is their journey that we were not invited to go with (directly, as we actually are indirectly, leading us into our own journey).

As others have said here, this is a gift of time, to re-construct YOU into what YOU want for YOU the next 20-30 years...they can join us IF/WHEN they have resolved whatever it is that drives them to what they are doing.

Don't worry about being open to loving another person now, just be open to loving YOU and the kids...

I know it is hard to accept that they may not return, and every day is an exercise in uncertainty, wondering....I live there myself.

YOU will be okay, YOU will survive, think of something important to you as a child that is no longer there...remembering it may bring a smile to your face, tinged with sadness, but worth everything you went through during the loss, for the GOOD memories.

With luck, and perseverance, you might get that back, if not you have the memory of something valuable.

There are success stories, and that elderly couple you see walking hand-in-hand? That we so want to be us, and maybe a bit jealous of at this time? They went through tough times to get there...

Sorry about the rambling...you touched a nerve in me to unload some of the unsaid things to my W...

smile

T^2
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2235028 - 04/03/12 04:20 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: tadpole1025]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1078
Loc: Hawaii
Hey Golf Mom!

You will feel better. YOU WILL! It is hard.

Remember to be kind to yourself. I don't know where the success stories are. Maybe the success stories are the ones where we make our own happy endings.

Many people have told me to DB and stay with the program. Others say I will know when I have had enough of the MLC crap.

I love my H. But I will tell you not as much as I did before. Each further bit of nonsense is a little bit of ice water on my heart.

Do what you can to continue the GAL stuff. I believe I would have been sucidal without the kind loving support from the folks on this board. First time I've admitted that.......

I am really sorry you are here, but you will make it through, to whatever outcome it is.

Aloha,

Wendy

PS I'm wearing a golf skirt! (I hoped that would make you smile!) I really am!
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2235049 - 04/03/12 05:16 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: WenikiTiki]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1288
GM,

I'm with you on this:

"I keep wondering why this is so hard to accept. It's been four months... It would be easier if we had fought all the time and we both knew we were better off apart. The kids are struggling with it for the same reason. All they've known is two parents who were affectionate and had a friendship and, poof, it was gone.

Isn't this just about impossible to deal with? And how come we'd never heard before of this sort of thing happening to people?

And how do we explain what's happened to our friends and acquaintances?

Also the pain of not being able to share things with our Hs:

"all I could think of is how much I wanted to share all of the details with my H because that's what I would have done for the last 23 years. He would have been so proud of me and we would both be excited about the extra money, something that we've missed since I stopped working years ago. I miss the companionship and affection so much."

You don't sound pathetic - you sound just like me.

And yes, the aching question about how to move on from this mess:

" I also feel such a strong connection to my H that I wonder how I will ever fully separate and be open to loving another man".

Presumably the deep sadness that we feel is the cost of true growth...so something has been gained. But its a very painful lesson to learn.

Best,
NLW

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#2235055 - 04/03/12 06:08 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: NLW]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
You all are so great! Reading your responses is really comforting. It helps a great deal to know there are people out there that truly understand how horrible this is (although I am so sorry that you do). I joined a divorce support group, but have gotten very little out of it since the other members are dealing with very different circumstances. A marriage breakdown due to MLC is unique. The abandonment alone is enough to separate us from the masses that deal with separation and divorce.

My boys are so excited about my new job. My 12 year old said "You spent your day making a better life for us while dad continued to hurt us because he's selfish." He said it, not me.

On another note, my H continues to text the boys routinely even though they want nothing to do with him and don't respond. From his texts it seems that he is experiencing some degree of pain where they are concerned. I wonder when he is just going to give up and realize that they (at least for now) will not except him as a father outside of our home. They feel cheated and won't settle for less than what they want. My son actually told him to be a man of character. Does my H really believe that his search for "happiness" is worth losing everything, including his kids?

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#2235278 - 04/04/12 02:45 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
I was served with divorce papers about 30 minutes ago. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. I feel that intense pain that I felt at the beginning. I made a big mistake by calling my husband right away. I told him again that I need to pay a retainer for the attorney (I've only paid consultation fees at this point.) He received a large bonus that he hasn't put in the bank. Apparently, he doesn't realize that I will get a large percentage of it. In the meantime, until I get paid from my new job I'm completely dependent on him and he's only depositing enough money for me to pay the bills and that's it. I so wish I would have taken a breath before I called him. I feel like I just gave away my power. I accused him of being selfish and only caring about his own happiness while he blew up the lives of me and the boys. He said it's my fault that they feel the way they do and hung up on me. I just want to hate him!

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#2235296 - 04/04/12 03:46 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
dl443322 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 4042
Sweetie, no matter how you prepare for it, when you are served, it hurts.

It is like you were holding your breath and then someone punched you in the stomach.

Cry for a bit, go in the car and scream, punch a pillow and say a prayer. Whatever you need to do to get to a place of calm.

And do not beat yourself up for calling your h.

Now you know it is not a good idea. He is not hearing you. All he hears is someone getting in the way of this big life he thinks he is going to have.

He is not the man you knew. He is in crisis. He is confused and hurting and in his eyes, the person closest to him must be the reason.

So, you need to think of you right now. And you need to do it without involving him.

Call some attorneys and explain the situation. See if you can put a retainer on a credit card or see if you can borrow from a family member. Think real hard about how to get that money.

Now that he has filed, you are not responsible for any debt he incurs from now on. (check with attorney to be sure).

You need to dig in now. Find your center. The focus has to be on you and your kids. You cannot look to him to help in any way.

It is best to be proactive at this point.

Get to gettin'.

You can do this. You will be ok.

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#2235302 - 04/04/12 04:09 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: dl443322]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1078
Loc: Hawaii
Hey Golf Mom!

Just keep breathing! So sorry to hear this. Make some lists and take actions.

Thinking positive thoughts for you!

Wendy
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2235311 - 04/04/12 05:10 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: WenikiTiki]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
To make matters worse, because I work for the court I have to disclose any lawsuits that I'm a party to including divorce. So now I have to go in tomorrow and talk to my department manager who just met me two days ago. When I found out about the disclosure requirement I texted my H and asked him to wait to file until I settle into my new job. He said it was too late since the papers were already filed. Well, he lied. The papers were filed today. His response when I brought this up tonight was he didn't see the point in waiting to file and also didn't understand why it mattered whether I had to disclose this now or two months from now. Really??? Maybe because I'd like to keep my personal and professional lives separate and I don't want a new boss to wonder whether I can keep my focus on the job or not. I just can't believe how insensitive he has become. I know, it's all about him and his rush to find happiness. I just want the satisfaction of being able to walk away from him some day. OK, that's really not who I am, but I just want some justice.

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