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Sorry I just got back here. Swamped at work!

Let's see...

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

I found this one and I just had to. Kinda hits home for me. LOL


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So...just an update on my sitch.

H is scheduled for knee surgery on May 8th. It's orthoscopic and will be quick, so the recovery time is minimal. Of course he hasn't said anything else about moving out since he found this out. I'm really trying not to get resentful that he is just using the house as his recovery zone, and me as his nursemaid. Of course if I didn't help him out, that probably would be another thing on his checklist that I did wrong. (Me not being as kind and gentle as he thinks I should be when he's sick is one of his issues)

So I keep telling myself to have no expectations and just roll with it. (Which is SO hard!) How DO you detach from someone who gives backrubs when you say you're in pain, and kisses and hugs you everyday, and says I love you? UGH!

I do deserve a kudos for yesterday though. I MADE myself go workout. I haven't really worked out but once or twice in a good 2 months. I probably shouldn't have because of my back, but I did do low impact for a good 30 mins. I SO did not want to go, but I know eventually I have to start exercising again if I want to keep this weight off.

I've been doing lots of soul searching and looking inward. Some of the stuff I see is ugly, raw, and just not fun. But I'm doing it. I've had "self" issues basically my whole life, so it's going to take lots of work to get through them.

I'm still not sure on the status of H's A, but I do know they still communicate. (LONG story there, but let's just say she makes sure I see her tweets on Twitter) We have been spending more time together in the evenings, which never used to happen. He even made a comment on Sunday that he can't believe that I love Game of Thrones. (This is what he watched while I was sick with the virus in February, and I got hooked) We almost never like the same shows. I just told him I watched last season, and HAD to see what happened now. Thinking about it now, I might have said something about I liked spending time with him (we usually make it a dinner & show kind of night), which would be the truth. Not sure how that would have been received though.

Anyway, just going along, one footstep at a time. I've been advised do nothing, kick H out, and some other stuff that I probably should not write down. LOL I don't think we're at a crossroads yet, but could be getting close because who in their right mind stays in a 3 person marriage?


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Just journaling/venting...

H's knee seems to be getting progressively worse. It buckled this morning as he was getting out of bed. Hopefully no further damage is done to it before the surgery.

I'm kind of annoyed at myself for caring or even thinking about it. I mean...I want to ask: Where's your mistress when you need her? Oh right! She lives 5 1/2 hours away and can't help you do ANYTHING! GRRR

Is 2012 over yet?


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Hi Ro - you are in fact a very caring person. You feel so angry at H and yet you clearly love him and have compassion for his knee pain and upcoming surgery. One thing you might consider is setting a date to think about your sitch again, post-surgery, and just bury it in your mind until that date.

As much as someone else would be justified in kicking him out now and letting him deal with his surgery the way some single dude would have to, that doesn't sound like you. You'll take care of him because that is who you are, not because he's earned it. So take the pressure off yourself by waiting all the way until it's over before you think about the sitch.

Who knows, the time and events may help clarify things in H's mind.

Of all the choices you have, I see that one as fitting your values. What do you think?


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Ro...right now...YOU ARE in a marriage and his mistress IS 5 and 1/2 hours away...hows about using that to your advantage

perhaps she is making sure you are seeing her tweets etc to MAKE you feel insecure and threatened...

why give her that???

right now

YOU are the one in the position to help your HUSBAND

YOU are the one who he can see everyday being sweet and kind and caring and loving

YOU are the one who is listening to what he says and has the opportunity to change how he perceives you

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Originally Posted By: adinva
Hi Ro - you are in fact a very caring person. You feel so angry at H and yet you clearly love him and have compassion for his knee pain and upcoming surgery. One thing you might consider is setting a date to think about your sitch again, post-surgery, and just bury it in your mind until that date.

As much as someone else would be justified in kicking him out now and letting him deal with his surgery the way some single dude would have to, that doesn't sound like you. You'll take care of him because that is who you are, not because he's earned it. So take the pressure off yourself by waiting all the way until it's over before you think about the sitch.

Who knows, the time and events may help clarify things in H's mind.

Of all the choices you have, I see that one as fitting your values. What do you think?


AD, thanks for popping in! I think you've summed up how I'm feeling correctly. (Why can't I put my own words together like this? SMH) Even with everything that has happened, I still can't see myself kicking him out. That just isn't who I am. (I can thank my grandmother for this gene. She helped EVERYBODY, even when they didn't deserve it...especially my grandfather) But I also feel like he KNOWS that, and may be using it to his advantage. I will be honest here and say I'm pretty skeptical about anything he does these days, so I'm sure that's clouding my judgment, if only slightly.

I think setting a date post-surgery to re-evaluate is a good idea. I was kind of thinking that, but really didn't have a clue which direction to go. H has at least 3 weeks of physical therapy after the surgery. I'll have to think about a date after that to discuss the living situation and what's next.


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Stop right there, at the part where you take care of him because it's the right thing to do. Don't get into his mind and wonder if he's taking advantage or doesn't REALLY love you. That's the part you've got to put off till later. For YOU, not for him.

See, you can be a wonderful wife and be there for him and worry later about kicking him out, or you can be a wonderful wife and be there for him and feel resentful and used the whole time. And the only difference...is in your head.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Originally Posted By: adinva
Stop right there, at the part where you take care of him because it's the right thing to do. Don't get into his mind and wonder if he's taking advantage or doesn't REALLY love you. That's the part you've got to put off till later. For YOU, not for him.

See, you can be a wonderful wife and be there for him and worry later about kicking him out, or you can be a wonderful wife and be there for him and feel resentful and used the whole time. And the only difference...is in your head.


Let that ^^^^ sink in Ro. This is very wise counsel!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
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You have a case of the Yeah Buts!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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GEEZ, is this 3 on 1 or what? LOL

In my head, the resentment makes me feel less detached, when in reality I guess I'm not detached at all if I'm feeling resentment. HMMM Gonna ponder that a little more.

I get what you guys are saying. I need to find a way to stop my negative thoughts.

La Bug - Love this:
Originally Posted By: labug
You have a case of the Yeah Buts!

It's cute, but it is something I need to think about honestly. Have I been Yeah butting our entire relationship? HMMM

You guys are going to make my head explode. LOL


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