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#2237730 - 04/13/12 08:02 PM Re: Still on the rollercoaster...HANDS UP! [Re: RoRoinMD]
figgeroni Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 951
I wouldn't think "how rude" I would think, he got the note, took it, and put it somwhere...he filed it somehwere in his brain AND he responded in kind

that is huge

but the important thing is


that you do these things FOR YOU

not for a reaction from him

but because THIS IS THE KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE

leaving little notes
smiles
extra cookies of his favorite kind

etc

because YOU ARE A KIND PERSON

because it is WHO YOU ARE

not because you are pretending to be someone else

get back to who you are at your core

let him see that person he fell in love with

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#2237784 - 04/13/12 11:58 PM Re: Still on the rollercoaster...HANDS UP! [Re: figgeroni]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
Fig, I am doing this for me. I did for a minute think how rude, but I moved on. Haven't detached fully, but I'm working on it.

I'm not pretending to be someone else. I got such joy out of writing that note, giggling to myself. (I really am a teenage girl on the inside! LOL) That's the person I really am. She just got lost for a little while. But she'll be back! (In my Arnold voice)
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2237785 - 04/13/12 11:59 PM Re: Still on the rollercoaster...HANDS UP! [Re: RoRoinMD]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
But I do understand your point. Can't let his actions affect mine.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2237891 - 04/14/12 03:11 PM Re: Still on the rollercoaster...HANDS UP! [Re: RoRoinMD]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
Ro, I know exactly what you mean. Once a long time ago, I would have no problem giving my H a kiss and a hug, or looking him right in the eyes with a smile. It took 15-20 years of downhill slide to crush that out of my nature and it's hard for me to just forget that and get back to who I want to be.

Of course, about 200 rebuffs of "ewww not on the mouth" could have that effect on anyone with sensitive feelings.

But back to you, the note is so sweet, and I love that you weren't doing it in a manipulative way but just a purely natural way. You're you, but better - you're sweet and demonstrative but also gaining confidence in who you are and releasing some of your old baggage and bad habits. Cool!
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2237908 - 04/14/12 04:31 PM Re: Still on the rollercoaster...HANDS UP! [Re: adinva]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Ro, I just have to say, I've never seen you dig this deep before. It's so hard but so necessary.

Bravo!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2237959 - 04/15/12 01:22 AM Re: Still on the rollercoaster...HANDS UP! [Re: labug]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
Thanks AD. My confidence has taken a beating in the past couple of years. It's slowly coming back.

La Bug, you are right. Counseling was really hard for me, but so worth it. I'm mulling going back sometime soon. For now, I'm looking inward and figuring out exactly who I am.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2238133 - 04/16/12 03:49 AM Re: Still on the rollercoaster...HANDS UP! [Re: RoRoinMD]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
Spent today resting and working on my short-term & long-term goals. Some are R goals, and others are MY goals. I will post them here tomorrow.

Spent some time with H this evening, watching TV. He also showed me some of the artwork he's been working on for his album cover. First time in a long time for that. I'm getting the feeling he's testing me or something. I'm trying to work on listening better (one of my goals), so I gave him my undivided attention during the conversation, and even asked a few questions.

Nothing major, but I am continuing to work on me. A better me is what I'm looking forward too.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2238362 - 04/16/12 09:30 PM Re: Still on the rollercoaster...HANDS UP! [Re: RoRoinMD]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
So, I have the list of goals. I’m not sure if they make sense or not, so I’m just going to list them all for feedback. There are A LOT of them, so I will need to break them down into short & long-term lists as well. Again, some of the goals are for me, and some for my M.

1. NO R TALK.
2. I will not bring up OW. (Take me now, Jesus!)
3. I will compliment H so that he feels admired by me.
4. I will work on not being sarcastic when talking to H.
5. I will call my stepson at least once a week.
6. I will work out at least 3 times a week.
7. I will read at least one chapter of a M per night. (been really slack here)
8. I will do something just for me at least once a week.
9. I will make sure H feels love from me by my words and actions (speaking softly, eye contact when he’s talking, etc.)
10. I will ask H to have dinner with me once a week (in or out of the house).
11. I will do more active listening (eye contact, stop what I’m doing while he is talking, really listen and not think about my response).
12. I will kiss/hug H when leaving or entering the house (this is one of his issues; no problem doing it when leaving…entering the house is a different story)

There you have it. I am in the process of reading Michele's posts on goals in the archives, so I’m sure there are more that I will list as they come to me.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2238398 - 04/17/12 12:13 AM Re: Still on the rollercoaster...HANDS UP! [Re: RoRoinMD]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
My H just did something really strange, but good I guess.

I have had an issue before with him excluding me from his writing, music, etc. We would be sitting at home and he'd be on the phone with his best friend telling him plots of stories he'd written or ideas for short films. I would be sitting there like Wow, totally didn't know you were gonna do that. We've had many a falling out about it.

So we're sitting here tonight and he's playing with ipad and his friend calls. They start talking about these new apps my H found. All of a sudden, he tells his friend to hold on, and says before I tell him about this, let me show you. I said "Huh"? He says let me show you this app before I tell him about it. We both laugh because this normally doesn't happen. I go over, he shows me the app then continues his conversation.

Completely out of the blue...I just rolled with it, but for real, I'm in shock!
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2238530 - 04/17/12 01:52 PM Re: Still on the rollercoaster...HANDS UP! [Re: RoRoinMD]
figgeroni Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 951
awesomesauce

remember to thank him for that

like

thank you so much for remembering to include me in that. I love that you remember how much it means to me

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