Since we have been separated for 2 months now and it looks as if right now this is going to be permanent, how do I know if the OW is out of the picture? He works with her and claims that since I found out about his secret phone a week ago that they don't talk outside of work and do not meet up anymore, but how am I to believe that if we don't live together and are not talking except to divide things?
I put a call into my DB coach...my H and I still have an appointment in two weeks. I know I should give myself time to heal before making any decisions but it's just so hard when I want him home working on this life that we've created the past 8years. He says he's been thinking about our whole life and R and what could have gone wrong, but I don't understand why he can't tell me or start talking to me little by little. He said that 'maybe' he would start writing me emails about it...I doubt it.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Don't push for it, you really have to let him come to you or you will chase him away. You will know when OW is gone because H's behavior will change, as will his communication and attitude. He'll then go through a period of grieving during which he might act even worse. You'll know, but you have to let it happen on his timeline and not yours which is hard I know.
Don't contact him, don't initiate anything. Just wait, he will eventually reach out to you, but you have to wait for it.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks, Accuray! You are so right on things and it's hard to do it, but it makes sense in a lot of ways! I'm going to do checks every two weeks on my progress and I should really start writing it down. I guess I can go back and try to remember all of our contact over the past two months...it shouldn't be hard, because there wasn't much!
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Timelines are fine. Everyone has limits in terms of how long they can live like this, and looking for or expecting short term change is torture. The best kind of timeline is to set a date for when you will reevaluate how you feel, and then not worry about things changing until that time.
H&P, Accuray is giving you some great advice here. Some I need to take myself. I like the idea of a timeline to reevaluate how you feel and not worrying about anything until that time.
I'm sure it'll be hard to do, but I think that it's a good suggestion. I will be posting this quote on my thread as well as a reminder.
I was not good at DB at all today when I saw my husband to finish the quit deed. He said something about D and I let my emotions get the best of me. We got into an argument about the OW and how some of the house stuff is going to be divided. He also said it was because I was not as loving this past year towards him and that's what drove him away. I wasn't my bubbly self and that I just changed. I wish I would have just went in there happy and acted "as if". I should have because I did just come from a great lunch with a friend!
I feel like I ruined any last bit of hope that maybe we could have had because each time he has seen me the conversation has gone towards our R and the OW and just negative. I then texted him and said we should take a couple weeks off to cool down and then maybe we can talk again. He said that sounds good and that maybe he would email me. I just left it at that.
As for GAL, going away this weekend with friends...should be a good time. I'm just disappointed in myself.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Keep your head up HAP. Sure you strayed from the path a bit but by no means do I think your reaction today will play a role in your Hs overall decision. Personally I think sometimes it's good to show emotion, despite what people on here preach. It makes us human and shows we still care.
My W has sometimes thought of me as completely emotionless cuz I was so dead set on doing everything "by-the-book". I hope things improve in your life regardless of what happens with H. Have a great weekend, don't beat yourself up. When I'm GALing like you're about to do this weekend, I always try and have as much fun as I can, that if I actually talked to W about it, that I'd have good stories to tell... So, with that.... Go create some good memories. Create some good stories!
M:28 | W:28 | T:4.5 | M:2.5 | No Children EA1 Uncovered: Jun 2011 EA2 Uncovered: 2011-09-29 S: 2011-09-29 I'm moving on: 2012-05-08 My story: http://bit.ly/K3ttPM
I agree with showing emotion too because how can I act as if all the time. Hopefully I can do it next time. We will see because ive lost most hope...
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
I'm so sorry. Really, I am. I agree about letting it out sometimes though. We are HUMAN. And sometimes showing that is ok. I am a master at NOT DBing. Just check my thread and the latest. My sitch has been insane.
Today I've gone through such an array of emotions feeling like I'm fine without him and ready to start my life on my own, ready to find someone else, and ready to make what I want happen. And then I really think about trying to be with someone else and it just feels so wrong. My H is the man I love. Why is it so wrong for me to love him?
I think getting away for the weekend is such a great idea. You will feel loved and you can vent away. Have a good time and don't fret too much about what happened.
He is in a confusing time. To this day, even though my H has made the decision he has, I still think he's confused. He has gone against everything that we believe in. There is no way that that can feel completely right in his head.
Sorry, I should be venting this on my own thread. LOL!
Just know that there are people that care about you and taking care of yourself is what's most important right now.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Just got back from a weekend with my girlfriends! It was a lot of fun! I just wish I felt better about life because I was so up and down the whole weekend...I was not my usual outgoing self!
As for the M, I have not texted or contacted my H since Wednesday and I'm going to go dark. I talked to my DB coach and if there's any chance of us possibly reconciling, then I'm going to do this and act 'as if.' It's going to be hard, but I'm going to keep myself busy and I'm going to do it!
I really wish I had a crystal ball for everyone!!!
And JKS, keep your head up!!! I feel that my H has also gone against all of his morals and beliefs. He has never been a cheater..yes, a person who is confused with life, but not a cheater! Things will get better!
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
