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As with the mortgage, we are still both on it and I will refinance in a little bit if that is what it comes to. I thought about doing it this week, but I am going to wait. We are both on the mortgage. He is going to continue paying me half the mortgage until our divorce is final. He already gave me May's payment.

Thanks Accuray for your advice and support. I just see little hope in us anymore because he is sooo far gone from us. He lied through counseling, was completely deceitful, and it kills me to know that he has this "in love" feeling for another woman when he's married. You are right that is something that will be EXTREMELY hard to get over. I just wish I could see the H in there that I married. I see glimpses of him but then he turns back so quickly.

I'm nervous about meeting him today because every time I see him I know part of me still loves him and only wants him coming home with me, but I know he does not feel this way.

I just don't understand any of it...


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
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H&P,

I have to tell you, I'm just a little ahead of you on this awful timeline (my H left 2/12/12). I think there must be some kind of wall we all hit - where reality is starting to smack us in the face, and the wallowing we've been doing isn't making the separation any better.

I know that I'm having a hard time with the same things you wrote - he's not the person I met and fell in love with and the constant lying, not to mention the constant rumors of the OW (and the lies associated with H trying to cover that up). These last few days have been feeling especially hard to fight for my marriage. But, I remind myself that I'm not fighting for this marriage, I am standing for my marriage and the promises that I made to my H in front of all our friends, family, priest and God.

I know it's hard and I really do believe that it's the timeframe we're in, and we haven't gotten the complete hang of DB-ing yet. Try to take things slowly as you want to be sure that you don't have any regrets in the future.

Give yourself a break and do something nice for yourself - you certainly deserve it.

{{{Hugs}}}


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Originally Posted By: HopingAndPraying
I just see little hope in us anymore because he is sooo far gone from us. He lied through counseling, was completely deceitful, and it kills me to know that he has this "in love" feeling for another woman when he's married. You are right that is something that will be EXTREMELY hard to get over. I just wish I could see the H in there that I married. I see glimpses of him but then he turns back so quickly.


Lying through counseling is not unusual. I've read a lot on the subject and usually 10% or less of MC happens where both participants are cooperative. 90% of the time, one person is coming to fix the other person, to be vindicated, or to help the other person move on.

For my part, my W had her last A ended 10 months ago now. I have forgiven her for it. I am still hurt. Do I trust her? Kind of. It's a process, and it takes a LONG time to get over it.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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Thank you for your advice!

Nemo--You are right I guess we don't have this DB stuff down and being patient and giving space is what they need, but it is extremely difficult when you keep getting slapped in the face.

Accuray--I am willing to see if I could forgive him for his mistakes and work through the trust issues, but he told me today that he sees that there is no way we could get through this...that too much damage has been done and that I told him the one thing I would divorce him for would be if he cheated on me. Now, that it has happened, I have taken a different view and want to save my M but he's not there. I also feel that the more time I give him, the more distant he becomes rather than missing me.

He did say today that he's been doing a lot of thinking and analyzing of our relationship over the past 8 years and the good times and the bad times, but he just doesn't see it ever getting better because he knows what his feelings are for me and that there are none...


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Originally Posted By: hopingandpraying
he told me today that he sees that there is no way we could get through this...that too much damage has been done and that I told him the one thing I would divorce him for would be if he cheated on me.


Remember, "don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do." That is very true, you really can't believe anything he says right now. Do not view his statements as fact, he will likely reconsider when things with OW break down.

Originally Posted By: hopingandpraying
I also feel that the more time I give him, the more distant he becomes rather than missing me.


That is our greatest fear, and we convince ourselves of this to justify pursuing. As long as he is involved with OW he will not miss you, you will be out of mind. All you can do is tread water and not make things worse. Give him space. OW will run it's course and only then will his feelings be revealed.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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Accuray,

THank you so much for your advice! It always seems right on, but so hard to do.

I think this is my game plan:
*continue DB (not making contact, letting him initiate, etc)
*continue GAL (working out, hanging with friends, hobbies)
*let him file for divorce if he really wants it (I've already sought my legal advice and know what is going on and things are already separated, so what's the point in rushing?!?!) It's not like I would be moved on by now if we were divorced.

I think what will put a damper in my game plan is if he signs a year lease at an apt...then I feel as if he is really taking the jump and one because a year lease would be a long time to wait with life in limbo.

Any more advice??


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Don't read anything into the lease. He's not thinking clearly. Even if he does that and then wants to reconcile, you'll both find a way through it.

The only other advice I can offer is take care of you. This time is so very hard and you're doing so well with it. Get a massage, do something decadent, go out and listen to live music. Get out and live to the best you can. That's all you can do and it will definitely help.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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What if he is thinking clearly and this is what he wants? How long did it take your wife to reconsider your R? How long should I give him? He's been out of the house for 2 months...distant for four months...

I feel like I'm more detached now because we are on separate phone lines and I can't see who he's calling or texting so that's good. That part will be easier. He's moved out most of his stuff, separate bank accounts, so if it does end, we've done most of the transitioning.

I am not going to refi my car or the house anytime soon. I decided that it can wait if we do get divorced because those things can easily be done after.

Should I give myself a timeline? Or is that having expectations?


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Timelines are fine. Everyone has limits in terms of how long they can live like this, and looking for or expecting short term change is torture. The best kind of timeline is to set a date for when you will reevaluate how you feel, and then not worry about things changing until that time. That said, if you need a timeline that says H must come back by 4th of July or you will move on, then set that for yourself and it may help give you peace. Just don't tell H about it, it is your timeline for you and none of his business.

Despite the fact that its been several months, your timeframe with H doesn't start until OW is gone unfortunately.

In my case, for the 4 months W was with OM nothing I did had any impact at all except to make W angry. Because OM ended it, she then grieved for 2 months for her lost love and no progress could really be made. I don't feel she was really able to start rebuilding until about 3 months after OM and at that point it was two steps forward and one step back. ML didn't resume until 5 months after OM. My sitch is probably on the fast side too.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
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H&P,

I think you're being so hard on yourself. You've had a lot going on this week. Give yourself time to heal a little before you make any major decisions about your future.

Sending you {{{Hugs}}}


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
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