Seeing Lawyers tomorrow...even more hopeless

[wishing, hoping]

Don't do it!! You can talk to us!! : )

[25yearsmlc]

HP

I'm going to make a few short comments with the assumption YOU DO want the marriage saved...

which I say here b/c I am Not sure you do, b/c some of your actions are NOT DBing.

Therefore you can't look for or monitor results very well if you have not been consistently acting differently. Your h could very well make argument that YOU have sent out mixed signals...make sense? Don't forget to "do the math" below

consistent changes + sufficient time = change the spouse can believe in..

LATER, you can decide IF YOU want this man as your h, as he is now or as he evolves but for now, just work on YOU.

Thanks 25!

I was not needy or smothering in our marriage. If anything, I was always the upbeat one and VERY independent one. I took care of most things around the house, bills, checking account, etc. He was in charge of mowing the lawn and vacuuming once a week (haha). He seemed to like it that way, because once I started working full time and asked for more help with things, he didn't like that I was no longer his 'part-time' stay at home wife.

Sure sounds imbalanced. Did you ever speak up about it? Did you resolve the conflict, engage in problem solving

OR

Did you seethe with resentment instead?

In other words, you knew it was unfair and it bothered you. SO...YOU did what?

Despite his mood, I always tried to be upbeat and happy, regardless. Because, in general, he is a crabbier/moody person.

I know it does make sense in a way that he will not contact me or come get his stuff, but I don't see how you can't give it another try.


Well, he's not you, and in his mind, perhaps, he thinks he did give it another try...

we cannot mind read here.

Maybe the clothes still being at "your" place reveals indecision on his end. I sure would not push him to pick them up.

If need be, box them up to get them out of your line of vision or to make room

I do get your insight and it makes perfect sense. I still try to do those exercises and have been happier over these past couple weeks. I have been going out with friends and truly enjoying it.

I am going to join a gym this weekend, got my hair highlighted, and have been eating better. I also looked into getting a second job to keep myself busy and get out more!

Great stuff. I hope you do some FUN GAL things too...a 2nd job might be wise (but it'll be a big drag if it's a big drag job and that helps NO one...

So make it fun and or worth your while)


I understand your equation and how it does NOT fit right now, but how is he to see that I'm not going to bring up the affair or try to argue with him if he doesn't even contact me? How long am I supposed to let this 'going dark' go on for without any response from him?

well, at least a heck of a lot longer than you have. Why is there so much pressure on your end?

Are you staring at the phone every night waiting for your life to continue?

If you get busy and happy, it won't matter when he calls. Going dark means, in part, moving forward...so don't act (OR FEEL) as if you are "hiding in the closet dark" waiting for your life to continue and putting it on hold in the meantime...move along-forward motion...

I feel as if he is just waiting for me to say 'hey, we're done, so why aren't you coming to get your stuff?'

all of this is mind reading...and also, who cares if he is? I mean, just don't do it...and if you notice, when his action isn't crystal clear,

you put the worst spin on it possible. How does that help you in any way? Doesn't it tend to make you feel way worse, which puts you in a negative mood and possibly brings about the very thing you fear?

Being happy does not set you up for failure...it's just a happier way to live.

Get back to the positive upbeat woman you say you were in the marriage.


Then, that way, I've made the decision again for him

so don't make the decision for him...this may be hard, but it's NOT complicated


(I told him to take his clothes from the house when I found out about his other phone that he was using to contact his gf). That was almost 4 weeks ago!!!!

so you got hurt/mad and to punish him, you forced him to remove some of his belongings, which means he's LESS attached to you and the home...so

do you think your reaction helped or hurt your cause? That is always THE question to ask.

My belief is that either your reaction was a huge turn off for him and confirmed to him that you won't get past any of this AND that he was right to leave

AND OR he's furious at you for your choices made in anger.



He's always had people making decisions for him--his mom, military, then me helping him with marital decisions.

too much psychoanalyzing HIM and not enough working on YOU...

you don't have control over him so most of your "insights" are irrelevant wheel spinning AND besides, as for "Helping him with marital decisions" that is what spouses do. I just re-wrote my h's Officer Eval Report b/c I'm a better writer than he is. So?

My h is an MD who makes life and death choices in the Operatng Room so No, I do not feel he is being "babied" by me or the world. I'm just helping my spouse...period. No biggie.

You are trying too hard to get in his head and avoiding serious introspection of your own. I think you are merely scratching the surface. I sense a lot of you revolves around him but when I say that, you claim you were happy and independent when married to him...okay...

but you seem to be saying you were pretty much a great wife, he was a mediocre h who cheated.

IF THAT is the sum of your marriage, then what is the big loss? If it's not the sum of your m, then there's more and you need to figure out what that is. B/C I think at some level you know there's more to YOU than what you've said and More for you to work on.

That's good news b/c it means you are not powerless.

And if you were a perfect wife, who had a h leave her for OW anyhow...then that would be a terrible sitch b/c

if you were a truly perfect wife and this happened ANYWAY, how powerless we'd all feel and be.

He made the decision to leave me and have an affair, but he can't make the decision to cut me off completely...that is the part that I do not understand.


1) he has not contacted you for a month...that's NOT long and evidently,

2) he's conflicted. I would think that would make you happy. He has mixed feelings and is NOT sure what he wants to do. I don't think It's hard to understand.

It'd be much harder for me to understand if he took ALL his things and put them in storage or in his new place and had nothing connecting you to each other and zero loose ends.

Be glad there are loose ends b/c, don't forget, You crave the chance to show him your changes.

What's your option?

Insisting he come home NOW and get his stuff? Why? To show him a thing or two?

It's not the spouses' job to "show them the consequences of their actions"

OR to "teach them a lesson"...LIFE teaches them, not their spouses...

and How does that help you in ANY way?

If you insist you need it for closure, be ready for that "Closure" to really happen.
Do not imagine that being angry and punitive is going to "wake him up"-
He will NOT slap his forehead with an epiphany,

saying "OMG, what was I thinking? Now that you insist I take all my stuff out of OUR marital home, I am now sure I want back into your heart"????

(Why push him so much? What's your goal again? OH yeah STAYING married...)



I know I shouldn't try to understand his ways, but

this^^^ is a classic example of an UNproductive thought process. You "know you shouldn't".....BUT...and the word "but" means that whatever you said preceeding it, is gone

b/c you really just want to get your way and the word "but" is the beginning of you ignoring the adult side of you. "I want to be honest BUT I decided to lie anyhow..." "I want to lose weight BUT I don't like exercise"...

"I wish I could walk 3 miles like before, BUT I don't b/c it's hard and it's hot..."
See a pattern?

You're right, you should NOT "try to understand his ways" expecially when you are in this situation.

there is No communication, therefore there is nothing to understand and only mindreading and obsessing happen - and they are UNproductive, probably negative...


at times, I just wish I had more answers. I have let go of wanting to find some, not all, of those answers!

What's to say here? Let go of your "need" to know the unknowable, or spin your wheels some more. It's your choice. But life is short.


I feel I will never have the answers that I want

Probably correct. Hence the need to stop waiting for the answers or spinning your wheels imaginging various scenarios. Period. People change. If they did not change we would not be here trying to get our situations to improve. Adapt to what IS, not what might have been.

because I was looking at our wedding album the other day (packing it up for him)

what? Why are you packing it up for him? OH b/c you want to guilt him and remind him and hope he slaps his forehead with all the memories?

This is very obvious (to me) and it is manipulative b/c you stil want to make him do something or feel something.

Let go of the illusion that you have any control over him...it IS an illusion.


and I read our marriage vows, which we wrote for each other. His stated "from the moment I met you, I knew that I wanted to be with you forever. It was only a matter of me getting you to feel the same way..."

HP, we all felt differently on our wedding days. In time, we can hope his old feelings and memories will resurface as he feels the freedom and space to let them. But staring at the past, keeps you stuck in it.

For the next 90 days why don't you just work on detaching and NOT obsessing? Then do it some more in 90 day increments...or at least 45 days? (90 days is the minimum imo) so you have time to process things and he can sense that a genuine change MAY have occurred.

He does not trust that yet. He thinks you are waiting to attack him or guilt him. (No man stays in a marriage for guilt. The shame factor leads to resentment and anger at the source of the guilt, so don't try that route. IT'll back fire).


Now, we're on complete opposite ends...

Only time will tell and until the end, I will continue living my life and bettering myself for myself!!!

Don't rush things. Hang in there, GAL (there is a reason we hammer that. It's crucial that you "GET" this...GAL is the single best thing you can do to be happier in your life (& more attractive and interesting to your partner)

and it really helps to stop obessing. I recall auditioning for a play and getting cast (which was very labor intensive).

After our first rehearsal, it hit me that for 3 hours, I had not given h a second thought. That's when I KNEW theater and performing were great GAL things for ME...

YOU can do this. It's a question of discipline and choice.

Do you want to hang onto the past and your sense of loss

or embrace the future and whatever it holds?

Either way, You are heading into your future. But which attitude you bring with you, will determine whether you are happy.

[hopingandpraying]

Thanks for the insight 25! I will respond when I have more time, because you did bring up a lot of things that require some deep thought.

I do know, in my heart, and mind that my life did not revolve around my H. I had things to do outside of our marriage and always went for my goals and did not always think about what he was thinking/feeling...as I do now (not in a bad way). I respected his feelings and thoughts on everything, but you're right I was as obsessed about what he was thinking.

He, on the other hand, only had work and working out.

I do know that this past year I might not have been so open to listening to him about what he wants to do with his future and that would have been a turn off to him. However, I do know, (because he stated it in a letter that he wrote to his psychologist) that he gets bored with life and always wants more. That is something that I don't think I can ever give him.

Just scratching here....I'll think and respond more later!

Thanks again!! You are right...more time is needed and there is not much of a rush. I'm happy with all other aspects of my life right now, so I just need to continue seeing the good in my life!

[hopingandpraying]

I'm not sure if I did this whole quoting thing correctly but I tried... [/b]

I do want my marriage saved...it's just that I don't see much hope in reconciling right now, so I become discouraged.


[/color]
[quote=hopingandpraying]Thanks 25!

I was not needy or smothering in our marriage. If anything, I was always the upbeat one and VERY independent one. I took care of most things around the house, bills, checking account, etc. He was in charge of mowing the lawn and vacuuming once a week (haha). He seemed to like it that way, because once I started working full time and asked for more help with things,[b] he didn't like that I was no longer his 'part-time' stay at home wife.

Sure sounds imbalanced. Did you ever speak up about it? Did you resolve the conflict, engage in problem solving

OR

Did you seethe with resentment instead?

In other words, you knew it was unfair and it bothered you. SO...YOU did what?

[/color]I did try to talk to him about it and he did start to help out a little more. However, I didn't really mind in a way...I just kept adding more things onto my plate because I have always liked to stay busy and do things. I do know that he knows I can sometimes hold grudges depending on how I have been hurt, so I am pretty sure that is something he is also worried about.

Maybe the clothes still being at "your" place reveals indecision on his end. I sure would not push him to pick them up.

[/color]That's why I have not contacted him about the clothes, because I do see it as a way of him still being confused. I am pretty sure if the roles were reversed that I would want to get all of my things out if I knew that was my decision. Then, again, I do not know because I am not in his shoes.


Are you staring at the phone every night waiting for your life to continue?
[/color] No, I am not at all staring at my phone waiting for him to call. I, guess, there is no immediate rush. In my head, I just think this time in limbo is sometimes more hurtful than helpful. Yes, I completely agree that I should start 'bettering' myself more because, in the end, I will be a better person for myself and for my H or someone else. I just need to get it out of my head that I am 'wasting' time right now, because not only could I be bettering myself but I could also be on the lookout for a new guy if I knew things with my H were definitely going to end. This thought I know is something I definitely need to work on...not that I need someone else to be happy, but a family is something that I looked forward to starting this year!

I feel as if he is just waiting for me to say 'hey, we're done, so why aren't you coming to get your stuff?'

all of this is mind reading...and also, who cares if he is? I mean, just don't do it...and if you notice, when his action isn't crystal clear,

you put the worst spin on it possible. How does that help you in any way? Doesn't it tend to make you feel way worse, which puts you in a negative mood and possibly brings about the very thing you fear?

[color:#3333FF]I agree that thought process does put a negative spin on things. Funny thing or odd thing...today one of my work friends was complaining about the rainy weather and babbling about God knows what and I said to him "Quick name something good in your life!" He just laughed and said "You and your optimism!!" I liked that he still saw that in me, because that is the person that I am...happy, outgoing, always smiling, and wanting other people to smile. I just wish my H could see that now, too, because it wasn't long ago (only a few weeks before he left) that I was like that with him.

(I told him to take his clothes from the house when I found out about his other phone that he was using to contact his gf). That was almost 4 weeks ago!!!!

so you got hurt/mad and to punish him, you forced him to remove some of his belongings, which means he's LESS attached to you and the home...so

do you think your reaction helped or hurt your cause? That is always THE question to ask.

My belief is that either your reaction was a huge turn off for him and confirmed to him that you won't get past any of this AND that he was right to leave

AND OR he's furious at you for your choices made in anger.

[color:#3333FF]I think it more sent the message that I wouldn't be able to get over it and at that time and part of me still thinks now that I won't be able to get over it, but only time will tell with that!

I sense a lot of you revolves around him but when I say that, you claim you were happy and independent when married to him...okay...

but you seem to be saying you were pretty much a great wife, he was a mediocre h who cheated.

[/color] I can honestly still stand by and say that I was a great wife. I did not revolve my life around him and had hobbies outside of our marriage, as well as a job and friends. I do think he was a great husband, when he felt good about himself and life choices. When he would get into his moods is when his attitude and behavior towards me would change....



because I was looking at our wedding album the other day (packing it up for him)

what? Why are you packing it up for him? OH b/c you want to guilt him and remind him and hope he slaps his forehead with all the memories?

[color:#3333FF]I was packing up anything that reminded me of him because if we're done, I do not want those things. You are correct that I did/do want him to look at these things when he is unpacking...either to remember the good times and smile and not regret the 8 years we spent together. Or to yes, make him think twice when he is going through stuff...which in a way is manipulative.

[/b]
For the next 90 days why don't you just work on detaching and NOT obsessing? Then do it some more in 90 day increments...or at least 45 days? (90 days is the minimum imo) so you have time to process things and he can sense that a genuine change MAY have occurred.:

Yes, I will try this...I'm not sure if I'll wait 90 days, but I do have a time frame in my own head.