Seeing Lawyers tomorrow...even more hopeless

[zig]

One explanation for their leaving their stuff behind is procrastination. They anticipate that having to ask you for it is going to be a painful conversation, or showing up to get it will make them feel badly, so unless they really, really need it, it's much easier to say they'll deal with that "tomorrow", and tomorrow keeps stretching on.

There is an opportunity there -- when they finally do reach out for their stuff and you DON'T make it unpleasant for them, you rock their world because you didn't play into all their expectations. If you're happy, help them pack up and send them off with a wave and a smile, do you think that will lead them to question their thinking? Those are the nice opportunities for the LBS.

Accuray

thanks accuray - i needed to see that explained. we have the same issue here. recently h has said many times, that splitting up our stuff is going to be emotionally very difficult and painful (his thoughts) and i am just planning to be cheerful and easy about it - deal with it matter of factly, and not fight about anything like what belongs to whom.

they are trying to avoid everything that makes them feel badly - because they're feeling so bad already, that it's unbearable to face one more feeling bad thing.

[Accuray]

You're right, and they assign a lot of that bad feeling to being caused by you, rightly or wrongly. They feel they are responsible for your feelings, and they don't want to be, and they resent you for it.

That's why "act as if" is so important. If you let them off the hook and demonstrate through your actions that "you are no longer responsible for my happiness", then they can approach you as a friend and not an adversary. You remove the black cloud from over your head, and the barbed wire from the approach to your front door. You need them to see you independently working on your flower garden with a smile on your face and the sun over your head. Who wouldn't want to get involved with that?

Accuray

[Accuray]

It's hard because you constantly have to resist the temptation to sprinkle in comments when they complain. When WAS says they are sad, or it's hard to divide up possessions, you think "hey dumb@ss, we're doing this because of YOU, this is what YOU want", so we're tempted to say things like "if you would just X we wouldn't have to Y" and that puts them back in the role of the guilty party responsible for your feelings.

That's one of the hardest parts of DB when you're in the moment.

Accuray

[hopingandpraying]

I agree with you Accuray that it is probably difficult to make the final cut, but like you said it would be hard not say well "Ummmm this is your fault that we're doing this..."

I am mentally preparing myself for the day he finally comes to get his things. I would think that the stuff that is still at our house is stuff he kind of needs...like a bed (which is his grandma's and he knows that I don't want that), TV stand, couch, and his military memorabilia. Not that he needs the memorabilia but I would think he would want that.

So, when he does come I am going to try to really act 'as if' because I do want him to see the happy side of me even though this is not what I want.

I also want him to see the happy side, because when we talked last and saw each other, we argued about separating things and his affair and I'm sure he's thinking that this is how it will be the next time we see each other.

He could even try to get his things when I'm not home since we work opposite schedules, but he has not done this either. It just confuses me...

[hopingandpraying]

I kind of wish I could go back in time and not argue with him on the days that I saw him...I feel like that was my chance to really show him I can be different when I'm upset. However, I let my emotions get the best of me.

19 days....and nothing

[Accuray]

Not your fault, you're human and were put into the most stressful and difficult situation there is.

There is no sense in rehashing what you could have done differently because there's nothing you can do about it now except for act differently going forward.

No regrets, only positive motivation for the future!

Accuray

[25yearsmlc]

I kind of wish I could go back in time and not argue with him on the days that I saw him...I feel like that was my chance to really show him I can be different when I'm upset. However, I let my emotions get the best of me.

19 days....and nothing

you will have another interaction. Each time you do, remember Accuray's words. This is an opportunity for your 180...


also, please understand that there is NO measuring cup here.

Your happiness does NOT = his misery and


his misery does NOT = your happiness.

If you win the lottery - does that mean he has to be sad/mad? No...

and if your car breaks down, that does NOT mean he can feel some glee.

B/C you guys are both in charge of how your lives go.

Maybe he will NOT regret the affair b/c maybe his rationalizations will continue, or maybe he will regret it deeply for the rest of his life...or something in between.

What matters is how you live your lives! Please understand & ACCEPT this and make it so...

Don't stare at him, wondering if he's miserable so YOU can be happy...or if he's happy then you'll have to be extra depressed.

Do not connect his mood du jour with YOUR happiness. That reeks of neediness and I have to ask, were you like this in the marriage before?

Maybe being so dependent on him made him feel smothered...NOT that an affair was justified

but you have to dig deep to see what or how you'd be different in the next r, with or without him.

So stay out of his "sandbox" and don't worry about what HE is working on

and do YOUR OWN WORK.

Take charge of your happiness!

Sure, it so happens that your happy upbeat DIFFERENT attitude is way more attractING and appealing than a sad angry woman is...but it's not a tactic, it's a change in you.

Plus you already saw the result of your anger and his reaction-- when he fled after the last time you guys argued..

HP, it's NOT confusing to me that he has not made contact. It makes sense.

B/C the last time you two spoke, it was NOT good for him. AND

HP, it does not matter that you are "right"...

this lesson was hard for me to grasp.

Our mc's said h was being selfish and acting single...so I was "right"....well, so what?

My being "right," was not making my h CHANGE...in fact it was irrelevant to h,

but my being HAPPY & interesting and upbeat and warm, might have made the difference....

for sure it changed ME b/c I took back my life.

So, maybe you can do those exercises we spoke of earlier in which

you imagine life without your h, but with you being happy.

What have you been doing to create that life?
[/b]

You ask "how long?" I do not know...I was m for 25 years at the time...and

I've heard it said that

A month of change for every year of the relationship, is a GUIDELINE for the WAS to see change in their partner and believe in it.

Of course that means they SEE the change and that it's consistent...neither of which applies to you right now.

consistent change + sufficient time = change they can believe in...

Please Do your own work, focus on YOU and move forward. He'll know how to catch up if the time comes. And you'll be in a much better place than standing still wondering about him...

try to see that taking back your life is empowering, not surrendering.

Do you get that? Hang in there!

((( )))

[jks]

Great post, 25!!

[hopingandpraying]

Thanks 25!

I was not needy or smothering in our marriage. If anything, I was always the upbeat one and VERY independent one. I took care of most things around the house, bills, checking account, etc. He was in charge of mowing the lawn and vacuuming once a week (haha). He seemed to like it that way, because once I started working full time and asked for more help with things, he didn't like that I was no longer his 'part-time' stay at home wife.

Despite his mood, I always tried to be upbeat and happy, regardless. Because, in general, he is a crabbier/moody person.

I know it does make sense in a way that he will not contact me or come get his stuff, but I don't see how you can't give it another try.

I do get your insight and it makes perfect sense. I still try to do those exercises and have been happier over these past couple weeks. I have been going out with friends and truly enjoying it.

I am going to join a gym this weekend, got my hair highlighted, and have been eating better. I also looked into getting a second job to keep myself busy and get out more!

I understand your equation and how it does NOT fit right now, but how is he to see that I'm not going to bring up the affair or try to argue with him if he doesn't even contact me? How long am I supposed to let this 'going dark' go on for without any response from him?

I feel as if he is just waiting for me to say 'hey, we're done, so why aren't you coming to get your stuff?' Then, that way, I've made the decision again for him (I told him to take his clothes from the house when I found out about his other phone that he was using to contact his gf). That was almost 4 weeks ago!!!!

He's always had people making decisions for him--his mom, military, then me helping him with marital decisions. He made the decision to leave me and have an affair, but he can't make the decision to cut me off completely...that is the part that I do not understand.

I know I shouldn't try to understand his ways, but at times, I just wish I had more answers. I have let go of wanting to find some, not all, of those answers!

I feel I will never have the answers that I want because I was looking at our wedding album the other day (packing it up for him) and I read our marriage vows, which we wrote for each other. His stated "from the moment I met you, I knew that I wanted to be with you forever. It was only a matter of me getting you to feel the same way..." Now, we're on complete opposite ends...

Only time will tell and until the end, I will continue living my life and bettering myself for myself!!!

[hopingandpraying]

I'm having a bad day today at work...just little things that are adding up.

It's tough because I have not really had a bad day at work or with any other aspect of my life since my H left and now I do and I just want to be able to go home and vent to him or text him or call him