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#2238229 - 04/16/12 11:15 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: fightingforit]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2762
Loc: VA
My opinion is just mine and I hope others here could add their comments. I had a friend whose husband went back to Estonia when their daughter was 4, and they got a divorce. She was so distraught, and I watched her daughter when she went to lawyers and court appointments. I felt sooo bad for her. But I have thought that it was better for her to have a young child's understanding of daddy and then just mommy, so that was normal life to the child, compared with teens learning how to be adults, testing their limits and looking for answers in the world. I will be asked questions that are harder and more influential to their development. Maybe you could say the that 4 year old will grow up to ask those same questions, I don't know. Divorce is NEVER easy on kids at any age, that much I know.

If I could go back I would do things differently but I would still not have left my H back then. I would have worked harder on the problems that I wrote off as just normal stuff married couples deal with. And I would have gotten treatment for my problems rather than expecting my H to tolerate them.

You can't predict whether your H is going to do this again or not, you can only do what you think is the right thing to do in each moment you're given.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2238238 - 04/16/12 11:34 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1756
Every age has it's own particular hardships. At no age is d easy. Kids will always want mommy and daddy to be together.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2238250 - 04/16/12 11:59 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2762
Loc: VA
More mundane journaling, bear with me. Last night the dogs came in from outside and the new one attacked the older one. I followed instruction and grabbed water to snap them out of it, but H appeared from out of nowhere, grabbed new dog by the scruff of his neck and closed him in the powder room. Okayyyyy... I'm respecting that his ways are different, or at least I'm aware that I'm trying to do that.

Upstairs I ask, how long would you like to keep him in there? and H replies "all night. he needs to be punished, he needs to know our dog is dominant and I'm in charge." This wasn't acceptable to me because dogs don't understand 8 hours of punishment, they live in the moment. I thought H had made his point and the dogs should be separated for the night, but not punished for the night. I started recapping the two weeks he missed, where I was observing them, researching and getting help from the pros, and what they had said, and he basically interrupted, talked over me, used sarcasm and straw man arguments. He said the pros don't know what they're talking about, and I asked point blank are you going to listen to me at all or have you made up your mind? He said I have made up my mind. So I began to talk about our conversation patterns, and that though he said once that he felt I didn't listen to him, I thought this pattern put me on the defensive and made it difficult for me to listen. I was trying to listen and wanted to learn from him but I wanted to be heard too. He had likened my information to the fact that people used to think human electroshock therapy was effective based on research. Come on, I said. We're talking about two dogs, and they weren't going to hurt each other. I was trying to get him to see what stakes we were really talking about and how we were both on the same side but were acting like adversaries. I said my peace. He had little response. I moved the dog to S14's bedroom where he usually sleeps and shut the door.

I was frustrated. I think it was a good opportunity to get deeper than the issue at hand and examine why we were beating on each other instead of working together. He just thinks I'm plain wrong and I think he's plain wrong, but in the end the stakes just are't high enough, it's not a hill to die on. But I felt like I went back to not listening when I moved the dog, and I did not care in that moment. I thought keeping the dog there all night was potentially damaging to the dog and I felt like if H is divorcing me because he will not discuss only order, then fine. I just couldn't maintain total obedience in this situation. erg was I frustrated.

I also mentioned that perhaps this was a topic we should discuss in multiple parts since we were both kind of angry. I had a trainer scheduled to come and we could keep learning how best to handle the dogs. He said "I KNOW what the trainer's going to say blah blah blah" and basically wrote off whatever he or she might have to say. I stopped him and said you're getting hypothetical here and writing off what you assume they'll say. You do NOT know what they'll say. Let's just hear them out, we have the same goal here. I don't see a downside to getting some help from an expert.

So, in a way it was a backslide, and in a way it was reaching a line I don't feel like crossing to save my marriage. I'm willing to talk and listen and resolve conflict, but if he's just interested in being the alpha of the house I didn't sign up for that, and honestly I don't know if it's good for my kids to tolerate that.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2238286 - 04/16/12 02:11 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2762
Loc: VA
This thread's just about to 100 so I started a new one, Living without expectations, so I could chitchat about what it is we're all doing here, with thanks to Mindfull for presenting a viewpoint I took issue with.

I guess if anyone has thoughts about my alpha dog issue from last night it makes sense to keep this thread open for a little while.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2238290 - 04/16/12 02:19 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
the only thing i can possibly add (and i'm no expert, just a screw up) is that i'm trying to start my thoughts to my husband with more "I's" and less "you's". "i feel..." instead of "you don't" or "you can't". it's so hard but sometimes, i think to myself, before i speak, count to three, breathe, breathe...

life is so hard sometimes...
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2238292 - 04/16/12 02:31 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: scaredsilly]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2762
Loc: VA
You're right - I forgot all about doing that as my heart started to race. Breathing and waiting helps so much.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2238303 - 04/16/12 02:47 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/08
Posts: 3975
Advina -

After your invite to discuss my pet peeve, I still don't really care to expand.

I've been over and over this through the years... and, am really here just to pay it forward to Autumn (I got caught up very briefly in two other situations, but pulled back...)

I was curious about who you are, since you actually spoke up, and in a friendly manner, challenged me.

I just read your last post, and nothing else.

BEEN THERE! DONE THAT!!

My xH got mad at our (then) S8, and tell him (at 5pm) that he had to sit in his room until the morning, and had to urinate in a bucket. He came and told me "THE RULE" and then, promptly left to "go out of town for work".

Now, do you think a MOM would let that happen? NOT I don't care what the behavior is, you don't leave a child in his room to urinate in a bucket, overnight. GAWD. And, I'm not just saying this because I'm Mom, but... S8 hardly looked at him sideways for this punishment.

xH also got pissed at the dog, and threw him (w/his foot) down the stairs once. For jumping on him when he entered the house, and REPEATEDLY locked the dog(s) away in a closet if he got pissed.

I have ZERO advice for you on this one, as I never got it right.

But, I feel for you.

It [censored] to deal w/someone on the opposite end of what's appropriate.
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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#2238313 - 04/16/12 03:14 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: mindfull]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2762
Loc: VA
Mindful, thanks, that was kind of you to check out my thread. I do not know how people who've gone through their sitches find the time and compassion to come here and help. I didn't intend to steal you over to my thread but appreciate the sympathy. The behavior you described in your x compares to some of my H's worst moments, and it's very hard to deal reasonably and maturely with stuff like that.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

Top
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