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#2237896 - 04/14/12 03:30 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: labug]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
I see a lot of men here who aren't compartmentalizing their children but are making them a focus and priority. Makes me think about trading up. But I always come back to wanting to improve and work with the potential of the relationship I have with my H. Until I'm done I'll keep hoping.

So. H comes home tomorrow from his latest overseas assignment. I learned a couple of things while he was gone this time. First - my 180 of having a neat house is still not a real change but rather more like a compromise that I'm willing to do out of love. Since he's been gone the kids and I have managed to make quite a mess while we've struggled to exist through holidays, school breaks, illnesses, work challenges and more these two weeks. I am super motivated to clean up today, not out of fear, but out of love to make a nice place for him to come back to. But I know I have not yet transformed myself into a neat and tidy person, and may never.

Second, just because I felt like it, I took my car in for needed service and while driving H's I filled the gas tank and got it washed. He may notice or not, and I didn't do it as a tactic. Just thought it would be a nice thing to do.

Third, life is hard without a loving partner. I feel exhausted and like I really need a break, and I'm letting some things slip just trying to keep my head above water.

Fourth, I'm waiting patiently for my H to wake up to what he's losing, but if he doesn't I'm not going to be interested. It's not hard to consider divorcing this person. I can't believe my H turned into him, but he's not a very appealing life partner. I'm not banging my head against the wall to keep him.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2237905 - 04/14/12 04:15 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/24/12
Posts: 96

Advina,
I feel like I could've written that myself. I liked your line when you said its not hard to consider divorcing this person, thats how I feel too. I don't know where my husband when but I wouldn't have even dated this guy!
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2237935 - 04/14/12 08:42 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: fightingforit]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
Wow. Fighting, I examined your stats, and you're just about where I was at your age. I got married at 27 and had my kids in my early 30s. A few years later was when things started getting difficult. My H would fall asleep in the kids' room more often than not, and I'd find myself wandering down the hall looking for him to come to bed in the middle of the night. H started playing in a band and stayed out all night, started obsessing over another woman. I felt like we weathered these difficult times and were good for the long haul.

Nothing wise to tell you right now, but just sympathize. I could easily have been here back then instead of now.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2238023 - 04/15/12 04:28 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
I picked up H at the airport last night and brought the puppy, who sat in the front seat, so H climbed in the middle row and said he was fine there. So, I'm chaufferring him home and he petted the dog a lot and asked a bunch of questions about him and how he's getting along with our other dog. He also had a lot of affection for the main dog when he got home. I was happy to see that he brought home a souvenir for each of the boys. We were all watching tv on the bed and I was keeping laundry going, when H tossed a bag at me. I said oh, is this for me? And he said it's your laundry. Oops, my bad. I felt kind of stupid for thinking he got me something. It was, in fact, my bag of a couple of dirty items from my business trip last week, that I had forgotten and left on the floor.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

Top
#2238025 - 04/15/12 04:43 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8918
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Ouch!

(((Ad)))
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2238043 - 04/15/12 07:58 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: labug]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
Thanks labug! Yeah, ouch. Oh well.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

Top
#2238062 - 04/15/12 09:55 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
paige40 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/11
Posts: 431
I totally agree life is hard without a loving partner, I feel so lonely and I am never alone!! I see other couples holding hands and I just want that back. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

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#2238076 - 04/15/12 10:24 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: paige40]
2chiquitos Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/11
Posts: 1122
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
adinva- is Hs LL "acts of service"? cuz if it is, you're doing great!
_________________________
M 38 H 35
T7 (-2yrs separation)
S5 D2
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciling

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#2238093 - 04/15/12 11:35 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: 2chiquitos]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
Thanks vero! He definitely speaks acts of service. In looking back at the complaints he had many were about things I wasn't doing (not all, but many). So yeah, I'm trying. But really just to be a thoughtful person, not so he'll notice.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

Top
#2238131 - 04/16/12 03:37 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/24/12
Posts: 96
Advina- Your H and mine may be long lost brothers! When you said that my stats are similar to yours, would it have been easier to let go at my point? Is it harder as the kids get older? right now I feel like I don't even like this person, he is not the man I married. I feel like letting go sometimes, because I can't respect him as he is doing this to our family. I sometimes feel like if I fight for it, it will just happen again later on. Do you think it is less traumatic when the kids are older or younger?
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

Top
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