Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
J
jc180 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
Yesterday was our court hearing for temporary orders. I showed up with three character witnesses and she was by herself. We conferred with our attorneys present and came to an agreement on custody and visitation. We will split our time with our son in half and whomever had visitation for that day will reside in our home. That way our son doesn't have to go anywhere until the D is final. We had to go in front of the judge to argue about the bills. I had tried to negotiate before the hearing but she wouldn't have it. In the end the judge made me pay three of my own bills and she has to pay $500 per paycheck in spousal support. She is also responsible for the rest of the bills. It was more than I was expecting! So beginning tomorrow I must leave the house for 5 days straight. It is going to be rough but I knew I couldn't stay here forever.

The relationship with my W is very strained. The last few days she hasn't said a word to me as we changed possession of our son. However, her roller coaster behavior was continuing before that. One minute she is pleasant and flirting the next she is telling me I am dominating her and she hates me. I continue to be as nice as possible. Except that I made a mistake. She came over one night and demanded that she be allowed to spend the night with our son. So when I came home she was in the shower and her purse was laying out. I confess I snooped. I didn't go through it all, but I did find something that disturbed me. It was a paper insert for birth control pills. A week before she left me she ordered the pills, but when I went to pick them up the Dr. never sent in the script. So she must have had to call the Dr. again and have it filled. I assume it was after she walked out because she never told me she filled it. So now my mind is going crazy thinking about it because I already had my suspicions.

So far I've slowed down on looking for a job. I'm trying to push through the depression but it is hard. I'm just afraid of more change in my life. I feel like I don't have control over anything.


Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012
jc180 #2237155 04/11/12 03:14 PM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,757
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,757
JC. You need to think deep down inside if that is a game changer.

Only you can make that choice.

And when you do. Work towards a point where your calm and can think about it again.

You do have control. Over yourself.

You need to have a stable place to live when your not with your boy.

You need to work on yourself.

You need to improve yourlife.

The spousal support. You need to see how it is affected if you get a job.

And you need to keep to the temporary visitation order. Do not give up any of your time.

You will need to set boundaries here for her and for you.

Only contact her when it is an emergency.

Only communicate with her when it is an emergency.

As you need quiet and peace to calm down and let your emotions run their course.

So next time.

Say.

I have decided that it would be best in my interests that we follow the visitation rights to the letter. If you have an issue where you cannot take care of our son please let me know in advance.

Then leave it at that.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
J
jc180 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
Thanks for the advice. It is always welcome and appreciated. I am going to move into a spare bedroom at my friends house. I think it is the best option right now because he lives alone and works at night. I think alone time will do me some good. I want to spend that time putting in as many resumes as possible and going to a new temp agency. Plus, he is more removed from the situation then my family. Right now the advice I've been getting has been more hostile to my W. I think it is because they see how hurt I am by all this and it is affecting them was well.

One question. When you say only have contact if there is an emergency. Does that mean to resist calling or texting to see how my son is doing?


Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012
jc180 #2237261 04/11/12 08:00 PM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,757
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,757
I cannot stress. Document everything. Document every application, every interview.

Document each time you get any hassles following the schedule. Each time either of you have to switch times and the reason why.


To answer your question.

You both need to come to an agreement on when to ask about your son. As he is 2 years old he is not really going to be able to communicate everything to you. So most of this communication is really between the two of you.

You and your wife need to experience going a few days without knowing. As this is the path she decided to take. So why not let her experience this path.

I am not saying to be an a55 or anything. But you have to limit your time. As it resets the clock for the both of you.

It will be tough. But during that time away. Work on yourself. Journal.

Your son will be fine with either of you. This is something you will both have to learn.

Calling and talking all the time will only confuse everyone. And upset the child.

So limit it to emergencies.

This is the reality your wife says she wants. So let her experience it.

Think of it not being hostile but showing tough love and the experience of loss.

She needs to feel the loss of her son and husband so she can begin to understand what her choice has done to the family. Failure of this allows her to follow her path without experiencing the consequences of her choices.

It will be tough. But I think it will be the right choice to come to an agreement with her on contact while following the schedule. Then stick to it.

I would do all this communication in writing. As all future communication as well.

Document everything.

It is so important.

Now I have a question for you.

Can you list the advice that you think is hostile to your wife.

And can you look it over and question if it is one of the following.

1. Hostile to your wife.
2. Hostile to your wife's wellbeing.
3. Hostile to your wife's actions.
4. Hostile to your wife's ability to get what she wants.
5. Hostile to your wife's thoughts on how things should be.
6. Hostile to yourself.

Then really think about it. You may see that some of advice that bother's you the most affect # 4,5

If its 1,2,6 then you do not follow that advice.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 148
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 148
JC-I have read through most of your stitch and first want to say hang in there buddy. Our stitches are not the same but they are similar in ways. I know the frustrations of sharing your S and the emotional roller-coaster that you are on as I'm on it as well.

You are making great progress. Listen to Chatterbug and others on their advice. You need to detach from your W and let her experience the new path she has chosen. Trust me I know how hard it is as I'm still working on it myself.

My S is 2 nearly 3 and dealing with our whole situation/pending D. My W frustrates me sometimes with her random calling to talk to our S which confuses him. I need to set boundaries myself and so do you. Hang in there, work on you, and GAL. Your S will be fine with you and with her. You know deep down inside you both love him.

YOUR ARE NOT ALONE. We are all here to help and provide support from a real perspective of going through it or have already gone through it. Take care.


Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
J
jc180 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
Things are going okay. I've spent the past 4 days outside our home and I am having to adjust. My W called me 2 days ago to ask me where some stuff was in our house. I kept my answers brief. Yesterday she sent me a picture of our son finishing his dinner which he never does. Then today she text me asking how I was doing and if I wanted to see our son. This is strange behavior for her. I went back and checked her previous text and she has not not sent me a pic of him in over a month, let alone a text asking how I was doing. Each time I didn't respond. I am following the advice here and trying to show her what it is like to lose her husband. This is hard because I really miss them both. Even when my wife is angry at me I get something from her interacting with me. I am so desperate for attention from her I will even take the negative interactions.

Tomorrow I am taking a short trip out of town. I think it will do me some good. My buddy wants to go to see Joel Osteen.

When I go back home to switch places with my W I plan on being pleasant. I'm curious what she is going to ask me or if she will even talk to me. Thanks for the advice everyone.


Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012
jc180 #2237976 04/15/12 05:35 AM
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
L
LIO Offline
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
JC:
I've read through your thread and I am completely impressed with your restraint. I aim to be that way as well.

Did the judge say that you had to move out of the house while W had visitation? Although at least you won't be at home while your W is there to rely on you as a 'nanny', but what is to stop her from going through all your belongings?


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
jc180 #2238007 04/15/12 01:50 PM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,757
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,757
Jc. The replying back. The goal here is to get to a point where you can communicate without emotions.
Be straight and too the point.
Be civil , polite and respectful.
No bull. No pressuring.
Just communicating.

You do not have to just completely ignore all her communications.

Just the ones that try to drag you into a fight, legal or talk about the relationship.

Your setting the groundwork for communication later.

She will figure it out and when she does you will see a change in her communication.


You can reply back if you want, you waited.

A simple. "Thanks for the picture. Hungry little guy. Give him a huge hug. Hope you two are having great day. See you on ______ . "
Then go about your day.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,757
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,757
You will figure out the timing of communication. It just takes some courage to be calm. And learn to communicate when your ready.

When in doubt. Follow the 24 hour rule.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
J
jc180 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
This morning is my first day back in the house. I will be her for two days and then we trade off again. This weekend I will have him for 5 straight days.

I was inspired by my trip to see Joel Osteen. It was a great sermon. I tried to be as positive as possible and to be thankful for the blessings in my life.

When I saw my W this morning I said Good Morning. We spoke quite a bit while she was getting ready for work. I told her it was good to see her and she said thank you. She told me about her time with him and she said it was great. He didn't ask for me and I told her if she was trying to hurt me and she said no. She said he only asked for me when she was getting after him. She asked if he asks for her and I said yes of course especially at night when he expects you home. She told me she does not like our current visitation schedule and will ask her attorney to change it. I did not respond to talk about our D. She said she is going to have a hard time when I have him for my 5 days and that she will have to come over and visit him. I just shook my head and she said she has the right to come over and stock the fridge. I said that is fine but we might not be here. I can see that she is going to have a hard time being separated from him. I wish she would see this as a reason to try reconciliation but I don't think so. It just seems like more cake eating. I don't know what visitation schedule she imagines would be more to her liking. There is only one way to see our S everyday and that would be to stay married.

She also mentioned that she saw my mother for a few minutes. My mom told he she was on her way to my nephews baseball tournament. My W said if there was something like that going on she thought it was okay for me to ask her to take him. Even if it was her visitation day. When I think of this offer plus her text asking me if I wanted to see our Son this weekend I think she may be feeling overwhelmed. Remember I was a stay at home dad and she does not have as much experience as me let alone patience.

We had some more small talk and I smiled the entire time. I miss her so much I just wanted to grab her and give her a hug. She joked some more and smiled before she left. I joked about her sexy shoes and she showed them off to me.

Our final court date is set. She mentioned it to me and I told her yes I was aware my execution date has been set. The only thing I can do right now is to keep looking for work and to make the best of it. After staying at friends and family homes this week it makes me more determined to find work. There is no way that I want to drag my son with me to different homes when I have my visitation. My lawyer is going to try to get me child support. My W makes good money and if she paid me support I would be able to get an apartment quickly.


Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard