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#2237609 - 04/13/12 02:03 AM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
Originally Posted By: 25
b/c I'm a DBer I'd be open to seeing if he does any of the work, or all of it, that he needs to do. THEN I'd check my heart and head and be as open as I could be...


Ah yes...

This is the rub.

25 has given wisdom and the key to your salvation but it is balancing on the razor's edge.

The key to your salvation is your open mind and your REaction to his actions.

Actions?

They are the past.

What is important is the what is happening now and the future that YOU write based on your choices.

Look at your partner.

Hard and starkly.

Then forgive them their trangressions they are only walking a path same as you.

Then watch. From afar. detached.

See what they can do without you.

If

If

They show you a hint of what you think is progress...

Well

Then it's up to you.

And until it is still ALL up to you.

But be careful. Protect yourself. Be diligent and be purposeful.
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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#2237630 - 04/13/12 08:31 AM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Truegritter]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/08
Posts: 3975
Autumn. Meant to check in last night. How did the financial talk go?
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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#2237652 - 04/13/12 10:20 AM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Truegritter]
ncl Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 583
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Originally Posted By: 25
b/c I'm a DBer I'd be open to seeing if he does any of the work, or all of it, that he needs to do. THEN I'd check my heart and head and be as open as I could be...


Ah yes...

This is the rub.

25 has given wisdom and the key to your salvation but it is balancing on the razor's edge.

The key to your salvation is your open mind and your REaction to his actions.

Actions?

They are the past.

What is important is the what is happening now and the future that YOU write based on your choices.

Look at your partner.

Hard and starkly.

Then forgive them their trangressions they are only walking a path same as you.

Then watch. From afar. detached.

See what they can do without you.

If

If

They show you a hint of what you think is progress...

Well

Then it's up to you.

And until it is still ALL up to you.

But be careful. Protect yourself. Be diligent and be purposeful.


^^^^^^^ great wisdom!
_________________________
aka lc4 : )

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#2237902 - 04/14/12 12:10 PM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: ncl]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Thank you truegritter, that is very wise smile I keep coming back to re-read that.

Well so far so good, with a few down moments. H took the day off on Friday to cut the grass, pack up and go while the kids weren't here.

I kept busy with my spring cleaning and was out of the house running a few errands. He waited for me to get back before leaving. He asked me for a hug, started to cry and when I was pulling back from the hug he held me there and said "this is not over"

I told him to have a nice weekend and would see him on Tuesday.

Then I found out that S15 had to be at the ball field for opening day this morning. When H texted I responded with time for the parade and he agreed to be there. He asked if he could park in the driveway (that was odd)

We both went to support S15 and S17 was working. It was pleasant. When it was over, he asked to come use the restroom. I went to get changed for the gym and he commented that I looked good. He leaned in to whisper "i love you". I just smiled and said "have a nice weekend, enjoy the weather"

So during my spring cleaning I went out and got all new bedding, I love it!! Today I have a few errands to run, and may catch a movie tonight if the kids are busy with friends. Tomorrow I am excited that a few of my close girlfriends are coming over for brunch, one just had a birthday and the other just got engaged. I'm really looking forward to it.

H asked me what I was going to tell them if they ask where he is, and before I could answer he said "oh yeah, i will be at the flyers game so just say that" He is trying to hide it and has only told a handful of people, asked the kids to keep it quiet.

I explained the boys, while we don't want to shout if from the rooftops, if they have a trusted friend they want to talk to, it is ok. They need to talk too. A bunch of their friends have been in their shoes.

Tomorrow morning is church before my girlfriends come over, so far its a good weekend!
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2237924 - 04/14/12 03:04 PM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4651
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves
Thank you truegritter, that is very wise smile I keep coming back to re-read that.

Well so far so good, with a few down moments. H took the day off on Friday to cut the grass, pack up and go while the kids weren't here.

I kept busy with my spring cleaning and was out of the house running a few errands. He waited for me to get back before leaving. He asked me for a hug, started to cry and when I was pulling back from the hug he held me there and said "this is not over"

I told him to have a nice weekend and would see him on Tuesday.

Then I found out that S15 had to be at the ball field for opening day this morning. When H texted I responded with time for the parade and he agreed to be there. He asked if he could park in the driveway (that was odd)

We both went to support S15 and S17 was working. It was pleasant. When it was over, he asked to come use the restroom. I went to get changed for the gym and he commented that I looked good. He leaned in to whisper "i love you". I just smiled and said "have a nice weekend, enjoy the weather"

So during my spring cleaning I went out and got all new bedding, I love it!! Today I have a few errands to run, and may catch a movie tonight if the kids are busy with friends. Tomorrow I am excited that a few of my close girlfriends are coming over for brunch, one just had a birthday and the other just got engaged. I'm really looking forward to it.

H asked me what I was going to tell them if they ask where he is, and before I could answer he said "oh yeah, i will be at the flyers game so just say that" He is trying to hide it and has only told a handful of people, asked the kids to keep it quiet.

I explained the boys, while we don't want to shout if from the rooftops, if they have a trusted friend they want to talk to, it is ok. They need to talk too. A bunch of their friends have been in their shoes.

Tomorrow morning is church before my girlfriends come over, so far its a good weekend!


And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's DONE. whistle
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2237927 - 04/14/12 03:13 PM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Starsky309]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/08
Posts: 3975
I love my smart friend
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Top
#2237929 - 04/14/12 03:46 PM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: mindfull]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4651
Loc: Florida
She makes us look good, Mindfull. cool

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#2237931 - 04/14/12 03:57 PM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Starsky309]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Haha thank you smile I have some very good support, that's for sure. I'm so thankful I found this place, it really did change my life.

I have to say that I am enjoying my boys so much right now. There is so much peace in the home and not a stitch of tension. I don't remember the last time it felt this way. I'm really thrilled about that, at a minimum. My S15 was telling me stories and catching me up on what is going on with him, his friends, the gym this afternoon and his plans tonight. He is somewhat of a quiet kid and just had so much to say. When I agreed to drive him to and from his friends, he hugged my neck and said 'you are the best, thank you so much'

S17 had a rough day. He is a lifeguard and they have to re-certify every year. He is having trouble passing one of the tests and came home very grumpy. I just gave him space and actually DB'd him for lack of a better term. It really worked. By the time he was leaving he was calm, almost happy. I told him that we can bbq for dinner when he gets back, which will be a great way to connect before they both go out with friends.
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2238013 - 04/15/12 10:27 AM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Had some sad feelings last night and was surprised by them. I think I got so used to feeling strong for the past few days that the "how did I get here" feeling blindsided me a bit. I was assured by a DB friend that it is natural and will pass, and the strength comes back.

I can honestly say that it is back this morning smile after a good nights sleep.

H texted me this morning, a good friend of ours passed away suddenly and he wanted me to know the services were in the paper this morning.

He asked me a few times via text "how are you" and I responded to texts about the kids only and kept it upbeat.

He then said "i noticed you are not answering the question about how you are, does that mean you are not ok"

I responded "I have a very good support system should I need them, and I hope to not need them often :)"

He said "thats good, and you can talk to me you know..if you want"

I responded "I have to finish cleaning and making salad for my girls brunch, enjoy the rest of your weekend. The kids are around later if you want to reach them"

He said "ok have a good day"

I was talking to my father earlier and have some concerns about letting him come here every other weekend. I think it may be confusing for the kids as they do their own thing, working and friends. It may be a chance for H to come here with drinking buddies and I don't want the kids exposed to that anymore. He makes S17 pick up S15 because he can't drive, gets belligerent with S17 and slurs his words. I am having trouble with it.

My fathers suggestion was to talk to him this week about it, he is only 5 miles up the road. Why can't he pick them up for the day, dinner, whatever they want. He can have both days, but let the kids sleep at home and he can sleep at his friends or the boat. S17 drives so I won't have to worry about them getting in a car with him. I have a few days to figure out how to approach it. He is coming here Tuesday to bbq with kids and needs to go over some paperwork with me.
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2238032 - 04/15/12 01:56 PM Re: Moving Right along Part 2 [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
Autumn

You sound like you are getting there. At least the day to day roller coaster stuff is behind you.

Your H is confused and also deep down he knows his choices a harmful to you and his family and ultimately himself.

You stepping away from fixing his guilt for him will make him deal with it directly if he ever chooses to do so.

Until that day. For you there is nothing to talk about.

keep stepping forward. You are making wonderful progress from what I can see.
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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