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i've been thinking a lot about the conversation with h today - i get the feeling that what he was trying to say to me was " will you get really angry and be horrible if i do file for divorce?"


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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wow - am i seeing my own pattern here, again and again!!

i can't understand why even though i see the pattern - him pulling me in, me falling apart - i can't seem to STOP it. it's like i get triggered off so strongly that i am helpless in the wave of it.

though i have to say - that yesterday i was very aware of slipping into that freaking out place and even though i kept telling myself - don't react - get on with your day - put this aside - it seemed as if i almost allowed myself to slip in there and sort of indulge the feelings of sadness, grief, being in limbo etc.

so that is what i am going to really focus on and work with now. it is my biggest challenge and has been throughout this relationship and this sitch. will i finally get it now? oh yes i hope so

cheers to me for seeing it just a bit more clearly everyday!!


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
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zig Offline OP
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so a strange thing happened yesterday with h. strange in the way that i recognized a pattern within myself that i was unaware of. it has to do with him being responsible for his part - how i let him off the hook, without even realizing it.

so if anyone can help me to figure out how i can rectify this, i would be really grateful.

2 weeks ago we had our first therapy session with the child counselor. h and i agreed that we would go in 2 weeks again and he would make the appointment. i didn't hear from him about this for the whole of the first week, and finally sent him a simple email "haven't heard from you about what time the appointment is, could you let me know please"

no reply. i decided that i wouldn't force the issue or ask - was in a whatever happens, happens state of mind.

yesterday (the day we had agreed to have the next apptmt - he said that well i suppose we should have been going to this appointment today - but i haven't made it yet - i tried to call 3 times and no one picked up the phone (???????)

i guess i didn't realize how "angry" i was that 1. he hadn't made the appointment and 2. hadn't acknowledged my email and 3. basically pretended nothing was happening

my reaction during the phone call was basically - well, it doesn't seem as if you want to go so there isn't much point in going is there - he did try to suggest that maybe we should go, but then let himself off the hook by adding - well it's probably better we should talk a lot together and define what we are doing before we go.

afterwards - i realized i had done several things inadvertently
1. let him off the responsibility of making sure s was okay
2. letting him make it seem as if going to this therapist is about us and not about son
3. being sullen, myself, and reacting with the attitude of well if you're not going to try, i'm not going to either

#3 is something i definitely did during the M when i got fed up. funny i haven't seen it until now

so i need help with

1. i'm considering emailing him and saying that after thinking about it, i realize that it is very important that we continue to go see C and that we should make the appointment for sooner than later

2. am i pressuring him? - yes i know the answer to that - when it comes to the kids, they are first priority

3. i have agreed to talk with him one on one, but am really wondering today whether that is a good idea - i feel he uses these conversations to keep us in a state of chaos. his evasive way of speaking makes me really nervous and i keep thinking that there is a hidden agenda. we don't really get anywhere, and because i don't want to push him, i get frustrated

i think i'm trying to figure out here whether there is any point in talking with him at all. if i say no - would i be losing the opportunity to make things better between us, or is that just wishful thinking on a large scale at this point

i'm thinking of saying - "the only issues we need to resolve are those concerning son - and we need to do that within the structure of the therapy sessions. there is really nothing else that we need to talk about as you have made your plans very clear"

thanks for the help

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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As I'm reading through your posts, just a quick reminder that you will need to start a new thread, as the moderators will be locking this one soon...

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thanks KD - i didn't notice - sheesh i GOT to stop being so longwinded. oh no - already on the third thread - or is it the 4th

see you on the next thread - i'll post my last message there also


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
I always like to say that my momma always tolla me... if you can't say something good, then don't say anything... but my momma never tolla me that... grin

Say what you mean and mean what you say, but if you have something that you want to say because you feel hurt and you want to hurt your H... then don't say it. It will feel good in the moment, but then you may regret it later, or at best... it really had no lasting, intrinsic benefit...

What you did say, appears like it helped... so chalk the positive and let it lie...

If we talk pure DB, and the mods and some others will point out that us board members, and even the mods, are NOT the experts... but the DB coaches and MWD herself, are...

So when we talk DB techniques, ALWAYS refer to the DB/DR bibles... and follow them...

having said that, I believe that MWD wrote in DR that each sitch is unique and one technique may work for some and not for others AND that they are also guidelines and some things, like LRT are OK to modify to suit your needs... I could be wrong, but I believe she says that...

So, LRT as described in the book may work for you, but you may get better value out of a slight modification of it...

first though, you need a basis in which to gauge results...

do, observe, adjust, do...

If you do not see any discernible results, there are a few possibilities for that... either there really were no results... or there were results that you just can't see, yet (which is why TIME is important... consistency over time...) or... it is possible that you are looking for results in the wrong gauge...

So as you mention above that you did not think LRT or dim was working for you... when you thought about it, you came to a realization that there were results... you just were looking out the wrong window at first, looking for them...

Maybe you don't know what you want in the big picture... maybe your goals have changed... just because we choose to stand NOW... does not mean we have to... or will want to... tomorrow... or six months from now... and it's OK to change our goals and our minds...

Be more precise with your goals if that might help. Rather than saying, "I want to R with my H." You might say, "I want H and I to talk about s on a regular basis and I do not want to argue with H in a way that I feel so frustrated that I yell."

Those little goals are quite measurable. As you find a way to achieve those goals and as you achieve your small goals, you will feel better about yourself and the sitch. And those little goals are likely taking you towards your big goal, even if you had not yet been able to articulate what that big goal is.

Hope that makes sense.

And again... Do what works... stop what doesn't... do something for at least two weeks before measuring results if you see positive results, keep doing it... and if you see negative results... stop doing it... anything in between? Well, you decide whether you want to keep doing those things that may be having no effect towards your goals.



great advice


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