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It sounds like you did really well. I would say the proof of that was your H calling you back and apologizing.

It appears that when the WAS feels they are going to be in an uncomfortable sitch, they work themselves up and basically fire warning shots across the bow... or, they just put on their gloves and come out fighting the moment that panic button blips in their head...

Now that convo is done... let it go... and move forward...

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honey - hijack all you like - my thread is everyone's thread - we're all here together

i feel bad, i want to sit and write and reply to everyone - but today again is just crazy - which is very very good

hopefully after s goes to bed
hugs
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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i totally didn't expect - i literally thought the next time i hear from him would be through a lawyer!!!

thanks - KD - it feels good to be reassured even though i'm ok.

i got the feeling it scared the [censored] out of him when he realized he said that.

i can't help feeling empathetic towards him - must be agonizing to be in that position

cheers
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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hi KD - just catching up on my responses , sorry it took so long to get back to you - but you'll be pleased to know that i was busy GAL'ing all weekend and also since s is back with me since friday - a lot less time

thanks for your wonderful advice -i will read it over and over
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem

So, LRT as described in the book may work for you, but you may get better value out of a slight modification of it...

.yes i'm thinking that now after he screamed what i know in his mind is the worst, if i pull back too much and go dark, it will be worse. i need to still stay pleasant , open and okay - i know that that is his idea of how he wants me to be - consistent, no matter what. at the same time i can firmly set my boundaries and detach and move on, but always being pleasant.

So as you mention above that you did not think LRT or dim was working for you... when you thought about it, you came to a realization that there were results... you just were looking out the wrong window at first, looking for them...

i thought until now, that the results were in terms of his reactions and behavior. can i say it's working because, i see him opening up a bit, even while he seems to be moving away (buying house = step away - his words).

so i shouldn't just see it in terms of how he is responding, but how much better it is for me?

Maybe you don't know what you want in the big picture... maybe your goals have changed... just because we choose to stand NOW... does not mean we have to... or will want to... tomorrow... or six months from now... and it's OK to change our goals and our minds...

you're right and i'm beginning to feel that myself. i still very much want to R our marriage, but i don't know if i would feel that if he's still in the same place 8 mod. from now with absolutely no positive developments between us

Be more precise with your goals if that might help. Rather than saying, "I want to R with my H." You might say, "I want H and I to talk about s on a regular basis and I do not want to argue with H in a way that I feel so frustrated that I yell."


yes i have to set these goals. i'm not really sure what are the most achievable ones maybe:
1. i want us to be able to have a conversation about what we don't agree about and be able to resolve it successfully without h yelling and screaming
2. i want to be able to figure out for myself how i want to move forward - allow him to "be around" as in helping with heavy stuff in the house etc.,or become super independent.
3. i want to focus on myself and my work and just let things be, add more structure to my days and keep moving forward

Those little goals are quite measurable. As you find a way to achieve those goals and as you achieve your small goals, you will feel better about yourself and the sitch. And those little goals are likely taking you towards your big goal, even if you had not yet been able to articulate what that big goal is.


i know the goals above - 2 of them are more about me, but right now i can't think past that - i could write i want us 3 to spend more time together but right now i don't want it. after him being so nice last weekend and then the house and D thing - i need a little space here

And again... Do what works... stop what doesn't... do something for at least two weeks before measuring results if you see positive results, keep doing it... and if you see negative results... stop doing it...
i guess i can't really tell what works - maybe it can't be seen yet - seems like he is becoming more loud and determined about this - or is this just usual - the more they doubt the more they scream?


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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thanks cat04 - and sorry again that it took so long to reply.
i love everything you wrote, and i am spending all my energy everyday now focusing towards that.

i think that h is an MLCer too. i don't know if i wrote that in the first posts i'd made, but it seems as if all the signs are there - even though he's just 39. either way i still have to do the same: MOVE ON

I liked his version of using the LRT, not engaging but participating in a conversation if you want to. Kinda going dim...which is about all you can achieve with children involved.

i've basically been doing that for months - recently the conversations and getting together has increased - with him initiating them completely - except for these last two. i don't question him or ask what he's doing etc. now that he's started texting, i've done a few texts, which is a relief for me, because i don't really want to talk to him on the phone all that much - felt that he always wants to further the conversation and get us in a messy place and it takes a lot of work on my part to keep it light and casual and to the point.


One thing I see in your posts is that you are trying to figure out why he is doing this or saying that in relation to your M

i know - and finally after 8 months i am plumb exhausted - i just don't care anymore right now - it's utterly futile, and i so wish i had been capable of getting to this point earlier. it is crazy making, and finally i realized that it's the same kind of crazy making that i went through in the relationship - just with different details.

mil and i talked a lot this past weekend, and i had talked w/ my mom during last week - and finally i realized that whether we get back together or not, I HAVE to STOP reacting to him when he is behaving negatively - it is my only option or i'll go down the hole again.

about my little business - i know i saw the reaction i had only after i went through it. there is something about the way he keeps telling me i'm not going to be able to do anything, that is so sad. maybe in his mind he needs to keep seeing me that way, but i don't think he understands that by having done that for the past 3 yrs, he has really hurt me and lowered my self esteem. after he said that i lost it for a day and a half, but then this time, i saw what it did - and the next time he even hints at something like that, i'm afraid i've decided to let him know what he is doing.

but i do have to grow a thick skin as KD said and not care about what he says..


Focus on you, what you can do to improve your life.

yes yes - i am really taking the first real real steps towards that. i don't feel so paralyzed by this situation anymore. and even though my mind is in the habit of turning and thinking about it, i find myself able to distract myself now, almost immediately and turn my focus towards something more positive

i would love if you checked in on me once in a while cat04 - that would mean a lot, thank you

thanks for all your advice
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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s and i talked about getting a dog today and he seemed really happy about it - we ended the conversation by deciding that we would get a dog, and it would come to us at just the right time

i loved what you wrote about your dog - and the therapeutic effects - i can see s just wrapping himself around the dog - he offered that he would take care of the dog the whole week he was here, and i would do the week he was away

so let's see what comes to us


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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t appears to me that the convos with H leave you twisting and hurt. Would it be possible for you to tell him you need time to get on your feet (or whatever) and that it might be best to email and only about S? That gives YOU such spaIce.

twisting and hurt - gosh labug - i didn't even realize that's how i felt until i read what you wrote - have been trying so hard to be brave and all

this might be the perfect time - right after he yelled divorce - to just say that i need space to focus on how i am getting on with my own stuff and can we just email and text.

the only thing that holds me back a bit is that he will see it as me bing the old way - rejecting him.. but hey - talk about who is rejecting whom. time to stop worrying how he will take it

and you'll be happy to know, that each day i see that woman stronger and stronger, and FEEL being her more and more, the real letting go has definitely started and i only feel that hollow feeling for a few moments - when it comes up - instead of staying with it, i immediately thing of something positive and it helps to dissipate it a bit, then i focus on something else and afterwards realize that i didn't have to think about it

oh and we did have a great weekend - actually in terms of GAL'ing, it was one of the best. we were out all day saturday - first at s's martial arts testing where h showed up unexpectedly - wondering if that is a baby step ??
then s and i went to earth day where he taught origami and i hung out with some of the other mom's from school. then we had a potluck - which was a huge success - it was an absolutely lovely evening and right before everyone came over s, his friend and i rearranged the living room and i love it!!

it's my space now, and it feels wonderful. this house is becoming more and more mine, and that's okay - i'm starting to feel that i can be here on my own, and even though h's stuff is here and there, i don't really notice it anymore


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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thanks rick -yes i am starting to feel the amazing-ness of my life.. i am shifting toward being just okay where i am and not worrying too much about the future. heck, it can't possibly be much worse than this, and if i'm standing tall now, i can manage anything!!
the bread you ate is called Naan - and i love it - except i had to go gluten free and its absolutely torturous to be around indian food and all those yummy breads they have!!
if you have a chance- find a south indian restaurant and try doses and idles - they are really yummy too - my favorite - i can still eat them because they are made with rice
hope you're well
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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thanks for your lovely words, ces and for your very good questions

i don't feel like my goals have changed - i very much think it's worth being patient, and seeing where this goes. this IS going to be a very long long process - and frankly i have no idea where we are headed, and oddly enough i am beginning to realize that it doesn't matter . i believe when i get to wherever it is, i will have worked through my hurt and anger and forgiveness, and i will be in a good place. i'm only starting to really begging to feel that now, if i am honey.

in a way it is a lot - but you know - it's always been a lot with h - and now i have to "train" myself to not mind it, it amazes me how much he holds on to - as if he is the grand victim - and i see now how much he did that during our marriage. it is definitely starting to make me wonder if that's what i continue to want in a relationship

how are you doing ces? i hope that things are going good for you and life is a bit easier?

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Originally Posted By: zig


i stayed calm and said that if that is what he wished, i respected his decision, even though it was not what i wished, that i would prefer to see us stay a family together, i would not help him to get a divorce, but it was his prerogative to file for one is he wished.

he tried to make it sound as if i said i was going to fight the divorce, and i said that is not what i meant, i meant that i just wasn't going to help him to get it.

he yelled a lot, things like - "i'm ending this relationship right now, this minute" (i replied that it had been clear to me that he had ended it last august). also said "i have no intention at all of trying to make this relationship work." i said i respected that .

then we got off the phone after i said that i needed to go pick son up.

zig


This is Fantastic Zig!! You stood up for yourself in an assertive and firm manner. And it sounds like a 180 as well. He definitely noticed, and I bet you've slowed down the paper filing process. You are indeed a woman only a fool would leave. smile

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