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#2237672 - 04/13/12 11:46 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: seeking answers]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2139
Loc: Rocky Mountains
SA, that has got to be one of the most succinct and on target descriptions of MLC, I will put that in my "quick reminder" notes...

Thanks!
_________________________
There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.-Buckminster Fuller

Uncertainty is the very condition
which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2237739 - 04/13/12 04:35 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: seeking answers]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 659
Thanks so much to all of you for your replies this morning. I really needed your kind words and reminders of the type of person that I'm dealing with. I feel another storm coming on. My H texted me saying that he had sent me an email. I texted back that I don't want to read anything more from him as it's just too painful. I can only imagine that he rambled on and on about how his lack of relationship with the boys is all my fault. Or maybe he wants me to know that he's not paying my attorney's retainer so I will have to represent myself. Who knows. Whatever it is I'm just not strong enough today to deal with it. I'm just on a lunch break, so I have to get back to work and focus. Thanks again everyone. Knowing that you all understand helps more than you know.

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#2237751 - 04/13/12 05:59 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
MrBond Online   content
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9864
"I don't want to read anything more from him as it's just too painful. "

Don't ever admit a weakness. He's going to see that as you being weak and that you're avoiding him. When he texts you something like that, just say you're busy or don't bother replying back.

He will jump on your weakness so you have to show that you're stronger than that.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2237806 - 04/13/12 09:10 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: MrBond]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 659
I blew it big time today. I let my guard down and responded to my H. I asked him to forgive me and to come home. How could I have done that? I feel like it's December and he just left. I'm in so much pain.

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#2237811 - 04/13/12 09:32 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
Golf Mom,

Hunny this is what we call backslides.....don't worry about it. What's done is done and I don't think you did anything to make it worse. Starting the divorce process really drudges up emotions you thought you had under control. You're up, you're down, you want them back, you don't ever want to see them again. you're neutral, and you're in a fog. Let it go, it's ok. You didn't do anything wrong, because you did speak from your heart when you said that. That's how you feel right now and that's ok.

Right now you're really feeling guilty and you're overwhelmed with what you feel you did to contribute to him leaving. I completely understand.

Ok....I have done that and spent many months stuck in that place...guilt, trying to figure out what I did so wrong, trying to figure out WHY he did this, and WHAT I DID TO CAUSE IT. Well let me tell you something. With the wisdom and support of some great people here, and lots and lots of reading, I finally learned, IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. I didn't cause him to make the choices he did. That this truly was all about him, but he's making the choice to actually make it all about me and what I've done to him. It took time for me to get there, but I did. You will too. Its only normal and natural for these emotions to come over you.

I too was blamed for finances and him being the breadwinner, when the man and I had orginally agreed I stay at home when we had children. DO NOT PUNISH YOURSELF FOR STAYING AT HOME AND RAISING YOUR CHILDREN....You did your children a wonderful thing and your husband as well. You are a good mom and CEO of your home. I think being a SAHM is one of the most important jobs anyone could have, but never ever to critcize working moms, cause now Im a working mom too and now you are as well!

Him going back and criticizing you for something you both originally agreed on and were happy with is dirty pool, mean and nasty. Believe me I got it too..lots of criticizing for not getting a " real job" when xh first encouraged me to do daycare in our home so I we could afford our new rental and still be here with the kids. A while later, I was a loser, and wouldnt get off my butt and get a real job according to him.

Try to be objective and stand back. How does that make any sense? What sense does it make to totally agree with something that's as important as raising your children, and then turn around years later and criticize YOU for doing it? Especially when you did the all the work?

MLCers are completely irrational, and are mean when they're out to justify themselves.

Your sitch/H seem a bit similar in some things, so I may get on my soap box from time to time!
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2237815 - 04/13/12 09:46 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Kimmerz]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 659
Kimmerz, it really helps a lot to hear your story. I especially appreciate your kind words. I have been completely caught off guard today. I just want him to come home and for this horrible nightmare to go away. I thought I was past this. I miss our family so much. I don't know how I will ever recover from this.

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#2237832 - 04/14/12 12:06 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
sunshinelewis Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 1122
Golf Mom its ok to want your family back.
Its been three yrs. and I miss my family.
I dont know if I miss my xh but I know I miss my family.
I just wish we all could get along.
Kimmerz is right, you will love him, miss him and your family being together. You will be so angry at him and NOT want him back. Just take it one day at a time.
Thats all any of us are promised anyway.
Rely on GOD....he will comfort you.
As much as my divorce hurt me and still does, it was the worst best thing that has ever happened to me.

Hugs,
Renee
_________________________
_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10

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#2237851 - 04/14/12 03:57 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: sunshinelewis]
seeking answers Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 2588
Golf Mom,

It seems that most MLCers become extremely selfish during the crisis. It's all about them and what they believe they're entitled to.

When I met my H, I had a very good job. It was a mutual decision after we were married that eventually when we started having children I would become a SAHM.

My H worked very hard and often long hours to support us. I worked equally as hard at home raising the kids and taking care of the home front trying to make sure things ran smoothly and that H and the children had a comfortable place to come home to.

Years later, I had a chance through volunteer work at the children's school to have a paying job there. After discussing it with H, I decided to take the job because if I didn't I was pretty sure I wouldn't be given another chance at it down the road. It was the perfect job to have for a working mom.

Our youngest child was almost 3 at that time and the other three were in school. H and I worked out our schedules so that one of us would be home with the children. By choice we knew we would have less time for our R, but we're both willing to sacrifice for a couple years so that we didn't have to put our youngest in daycare.

We did go on to have a fifth 'surprise' child. lol, and I was able to reduce my hours for a few years to be her main caregiver so H could get enough sleep.

It wasn't always easy, but we worked it out and had what I thought was a pretty great life for a lot of years. H seemed to take great pride in our marriage, children and the life he was able to provide for us. He would often let me know how much he appreciated me, and my contribution.

For a couple years before BD, H started withdrawing from the kids. His temper shortened and the kids hated to even ask questions because he would more often than not act like he was being interrupted by them. He started to act like he resented them.

As H's depression deepened, I tried everything to pull him out. There seemed to be times that I was briefly successful. After a while it didn't matter what I did, and he began to resent me even trying. He wanted to be left alone and when I implored him to seek help, he resented me even more. I finally gave in and the kids and I honored his wishes to be left to himself.

2 weeks before BD there was a marked change in H. Although it wasn't directed at any of us at home he suddenly became more energetic and active...Come to find out at BD he had re-met the woman he had dated 40 years before in High School. After a brief talk with me at BD, H left to move in with the ow.

That was in Oct. of 2009, after 27 + years of M. In Dec. 2010, H filed for D. I was served papers in Jan. 2011. H had decided we would just use his L to keep down the cost. Well, after I reviewed the D papers, I retained my own L. Red flags had popped up all over the D papers. Even after all that time, it was still about H and 'his' money, wanting me to agree not to take any alimony, because after all he had already 'supported' me for most of our M.

My point of this long winded post is to say that it doesn't really matter what you did during your marriage, worked or didn't work outside the home, or how happy you thought your M was. If your spouse is wired in such a way that his coping skills or lack thereof, derail a mid life transition into a crisis, there is nothing that you did or can do to stop it. There is nothing you said or can say that will make them better and fix it. Sweetie, remember, you didn't break your H, and you can't fix him.

Don't beat yourself up about a backslide. We've all done it and to be truthful it wasn't the be all end all of anything. If your H is like most MLCers, he'll forget it even happened. Be prepared for some spew if he even bothers to respond.

Try to not backslide to protect yourself. As Mr. Bond said, do not show weakness. Many S will use it against you.

Oh, and in my case, after I retained my own L and told H that I would negotiate with him on anything except what the state would allot me in C/S and spousal maintenance he has not pursued the D. At some point I may have to pursue the D myself if H doesn't continue. I will know when that time comes and as long as the finances are protected for the kids and I, I'm not in any rush. I've handed this over to God and continue to let Him be my guide.

So, dig deep for strength, confidence and patience. Do not let your H guilt you into taking less than your state allots. My H threatened that if I didn't back down, it wouldn't go well for any of us. I didn't back down, he did. At least for now. I have the time to give him to get his financials straightened around so when/if the D is pursued again he can continue to live well.

Don't ever let your H make you believe that it was all your fault that the M failed. Remember your worth in helping to make it work by being a great wife and mother for many years.

Also, if it is your hope that your M can be saved, you will have to outlast your H's MLC. It will continue until he comes through, although there have been cases of it being interrupted as I believe my H's was. In those cases it most likely will reappear with a vengeance as did my H's.

Use this time to concentrate on you and your children.

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#2237912 - 04/14/12 01:36 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: seeking answers]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 659
The texting continued last night. I know I should have refrained, but my feeling were flowing. After months of stuffing them down it felt good to be honest about how I feel and what I want. My H wrote that we wouldn't be in our current situation if I would have gotten a job a few years ago. That hurts considering I thought I was doing everything right and had no idea what was festering below the surface. It's hard to believe that there's more to this and that my H has latched onto financial strain as the sole reason for the deterioration of our marriage. I asked him to withdraw the divorce papers and come home. He responded that we have six months to think about it and he's not ready. If, in his mind, finances were the only cause then how does this make it better? I am now working full time like he wanted and my income is essentially extra money if we were together. Apart, it just keeps the financial strain alive. He says that he forgives me, but why won't he go forward. I know it's likely that there is an OW, but I can't find any signs of one. Why is he continuing to dig in his heals if the main issue is solved? His lease is up in June, so could he be waiting for that time to make a decision? I know it's foolish to look for answers when there aren't any. I'm just grasping for hope.

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#2237922 - 04/14/12 02:49 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1319
Hi golf mom, I am so sorry that you are in such pain. At the beginning of my situation, my W told me so many things that I needed to change.. and I thought that as I changed each of those things, she would feel differently and come back. But the list kept growing. Finally, I realized that it was not really about those things and that no matter what I did, she would keep running away.

I believe that the things she told me were her attempt to not feel guilty. I don't think she was doing it consciously, I think she believed them all. And there were enough grains of truth in each of them that I would run after them like crazy, thinking it would change things between us.

Please don't beat yourself up. After running after all the "changes" I needed to make, I ended up feeling really badly about myself. I am now in the midst of trying to separate the fact from fiction, appreciate the good things I know about myself and work on the things I need to do to be a better me. I can not control my W's (MLC) journey, only mine.

I also learned that the vets on here truly know what they are talking about. When I am able to follow their kind advice, I feel better, become stronger and the freight train to D seems to slow a bit. (My W moved out of state without filing papers.)

And there is still and will always be hope as long as you want to hope! big hugs to you.


Me (f): 51 W: 41
T: 10 M: 7
ILYBINILWY: 7/11
Moved out: 10/11
Moved back in: 11/11 moved out again and asked for divorce 7 days later
W wants to work on things and "feels confident" we can: 1/12
Decision to move across country: Three weeks later
W moves out of state: 4/12/12
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"not happy" 7/11
W moves out/back in/out 11/11
W wants to R: 3 weeks in 2/12
OW confirmed: 4/12
D filed: 10/12
D final: 8/13

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