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#2224938 - 02/25/12 06:43 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1078
Loc: Hawaii
My thoughts are that we all long ffor the quick fix. But reality has a way of slapping us in the face. HARD!

Just keep doing what you are doing, sounds like you handled it well!

Me personally, everytime my H tells me he has no sexual feelings for me, but tons for OW I just want to slap him!
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2225454 - 02/27/12 08:13 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: WenikiTiki]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2304
Loc: Rocky Mountains
thanks WenikiTiki, reading your threads...I don't know how you do it...

I think they have to tell themselves they have no feelings sexually for us in order to minimize guilt and/or justify what they are doing, which they know, deep down at least, is wrong...

The rest of the weekend was "interesting"...had a great time with my kids, had a great time helping others in the community...which led me to realize how tough others have it, and how good (by comparison) W has had it...

I may not be perfect, and, had that list above of things I failed at...but...come on...really?

Ugh...trying to turn off feelings of resentment today...I am tired. So tired...

I know I left that PMA around here somewhere...
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2225484 - 02/27/12 09:36 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
pulpwood Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/12
Posts: 182
Yes. I have that PMA. Here you go T^2. Thanks for letting me borrow yours till I could find mine.

Got a job today!!! Yeeee Haw. Starts Monday and I can't wait.
_________________________
Me-33
W-28
S-5
M-7
ILYBNILWY-1/15/12 7 year itch?

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#2225485 - 02/27/12 09:39 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: pulpwood]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2304
Loc: Rocky Mountains
PW...that is excellent!!!!!

Thanks for the PMA smile

Quote:
I may not be perfect, and, had that list above of things I failed at...but...come on...really?


Ok, feeling sorry for myself...

Vented and done...
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2225813 - 02/28/12 09:25 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2304
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Journaling:

T^2 received rave reviews from our kids teachers and the folks we helped in the community (all women btw)...these were received by W, when she told me all they said, etc...and how W was "so happy" (I can't remember exactly), I just replied with "Yup, I've changed"...

I am liking the new/recovered me! I can't believe I hid this person for so many years! The GAL activities have given me opportunities to be who I really am, and, gasp...people like me just as me. The value of GAL lies here. I am a good man/person, valuable, and will do just fine. That W got that outside feedback may have helped and is also bonus material.

I feel an energy change, noticing very small things more often...like checking in with me more like she used to, more "we" and "us" statements, she actually sought ME out a couple times recently. She has slowly taken a bit more interest in the house, etc.

I am writing down the small things in my journal so I do not forget and to look back upon if/when I get down/frustrated again.

Mild winter means more of my GAL can start sooner like bike riding to work, veggie garden prep, spring cleaning....camping!!!!

A good day...
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2225814 - 02/28/12 09:29 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2304
Loc: Rocky Mountains
More meditation, more prayer. Stay calm, focused, positive.
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2226067 - 02/29/12 05:50 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2304
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Knowing enough to keep expectations at or near zero, had good interaction with W last night...why do I have this faint, lingering resentment/anger floating around in my thoughts? It is very small, but present.
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2226392 - 03/01/12 04:24 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
pulpwood Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/12
Posts: 182
Got this off "Work thread for Jack - LBS Stages".
Maybe it helps.

Quote:
Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?

Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!

Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.

Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.

Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.

Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.

Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.

Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.

Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.

Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.
_________________________
Me-33
W-28
S-5
M-7
ILYBNILWY-1/15/12 7 year itch?

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#2226410 - 03/01/12 05:34 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: pulpwood]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2304
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Thanks PW, I missed saving that in my "scrape and paste" library.

So, W emails me for the first time since this summer, asking about how I felt about her not doing certain things around the house anymore going forward...she was really nice, and honest about it and her reasons...

Trying (ok, just a little) to not mind read, but...
-Thoughts of future?
-Testing if M and T^2 will be better than before?
-??

arg! This is so hard to stay detached!!
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2226526 - 03/01/12 11:40 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
pulpwood Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/12
Posts: 182
Those stages I pasted have a bit of a negative vibe. The part about accepting the M being over and stuff.

Do you think you must concede the M to be over?

That only then you can "move on" to a better place?

How do you feel about that T^2?
_________________________
Me-33
W-28
S-5
M-7
ILYBNILWY-1/15/12 7 year itch?

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