A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 7 of 12 < 1 2 ... 5 6 7 8 9 11 12 >
Topic Options
#2235547 - 04/05/12 04:39 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Online
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2321
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Just some updates.

Interactions have been going well.

The other day W was in a mood, I asked if it was anything I did or me, she said no, and that she has been meaning to tell me that she hasn't been angry with me for a while...and that she wants us to have the kind of relationship where we don't need/have to ask that question...I replied with that I am not going to make assumptions again, I have learned that hasn't served me well in the past...and that I agree...I want that kind of relationship as well, where we trust the other to tell us when it is us or something we did.

In another interaction I had the chance to tell of what I have learned about my LL's (she was surprised that touch was my main LL) and why I didn't really go for PDA's all these years ...I wasn't shown it by my parents relationship, fear of rejection, and that my 1st wife was a hardcore feminist and considered hand-holding, etc as displays of "possession", not "affection". W seemed rather receptive.

I have been getting more information about regular things in her life, rather than the privacy distance...I am letting her control the distance...

She came to our bedroom tonite and initiated some conversation...part of it involved (indirectly) her not having "those" feelings for me still...

I told her that I have advice from my forums and female counselors that it takes a while, longer than for men, for "those" feelings to return after the cessation of contact with the OP and the end of the affair, so I am not stressed about it right now, that I understand, though I may not particularly like it, a little chastity ain't gonna kill me... smile

I know W has a tendency towards guilt, so I hope I helped keep the road home paved smooth...

Comments, advice, observations, etc welcome as always...I have learned and grown so much here... smile

T^2
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


Top
#2235549 - 04/05/12 04:46 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Online
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2321
Loc: Rocky Mountains
edit the above post....
Quote:
though I may not particularly like it, a little chastity ain't gonna kill me... smile


Should have been its own sentence, as I did not say that to W, I was thinking it.
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


Top
#2237199 - 04/11/12 05:33 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Online
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2321
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Ok, big breakthrough yesterday?

Going to NOT delve into all the details yet, don't want to count chickens before they hatch...for a logic-based person I do seem to have a superstitious peccadillo or two... smile

Talking with W yesterday about a family business issue unveiled that this issue was one of her lingering resentments/insecurities towards me and our M. After thinking through things, I apologized for MY part in the situation (not all of it, because she did have a role as well). I also went into how my family dynamics probably played a role in how we see it so differently, how it played a role in creating the situation, etc. I got an "interesting" look...she went about her business, though I could tell the wheels were turning...

Later, she came to me and thanked me for apologizing for my role (she acknowledged the change in me looking in the mirror, not avoiding self-reflecting and not avoiding taking responsibilty and apologizing...this IS a 180 for me), explaining the past, the whys, etc, and she now understood, and could forgive me, acknowledge her role, let go of the past and move forward.

Lots of "us", "we", "our family", and FUTURE projecting in her talk...she appears to be able to SEE that the R will be different than before now...my new listening skills REALLY came forth, btw... smile i thanked her for sharing, touched her shoulder for a moment (she didn't cringe...yay!), and went back out to the garden, about my business, and let her be the rest of the evening...

Operation "Feral Cat" seems to have taken a big turn...Quietly hopeful, yet expectations set appropriately, haven't contacted her today yet, respecting her need to control the distance atm...no sudden moves... wink

The question is....was this the "mixed grill" or "ocean buffet" can of food.... lol... laugh

BTW...Kimmerz, the book you suggested to me earlier really helped me notice and figure this lingering insecurity and WHAT it MEANS to women...my THANKS to YOU!!!! Added a lot of understanding in general to the new me!

T^2
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


Top
#2237720 - 04/13/12 07:01 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Online
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2321
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Last weekend W was rather withdrawn, playing and singing a lot of songs, in her own world...I couldn't put my finger on it, but it occurred to me after putting together her song choices that she was acting like someone who just went through a breakup (we do have a teenager in the house, our oldest, so have seen this before, plus I do remember using music as a soother/clarity fixer in my life, a lot).

I wondered if it meant CyberAffair(s) and/or OM was GONE (!)...then my mind saw the other possibility...that maybe she was done with ME (!!)...ugh...

Note to self: DO NOT look up the lyrics of her music again, not good for PMA...I do not need to know if she felt/feels that way about OM (he was so wonderful and she loved him soooo much), or me (that I was that bad)...I just do not know, as she has not volunteered anything regarding the status of that issue, and I am not going to ask (yet). Eventually, if we get to piecing and reconciliation, I will need to ask for my sake if she doesn't volunteer it. In the meantime, I am staying out of the way.

This week has been going pretty well.

Conversations are going well, I am getting more glimpses into her mind and processes. I am wondering if she is cycling through the phases of acceptance as described by HB's "Stages of MLC" based on what she is reveling and her actions seem to be reconnection-based with the whole family and with life itself.

A couple times it seemed like she was lingering on the end of phone calls, and I had to end them.

Yesterday she initiated a hug after asking about my day (my day was not the best at work), and it wasn't a "sister/brother" hug, but rather a full contact, head on my chest type, and not a quickie.

Her actions, and my intuition, are saying positive things...I just would like verbal confirmation for me, it's one of those things that would be a LL and security. But I know her, I know it will be a while yet. Letting her lead.

I am looking forward to the weekend for the first time in a LONG time, and my GI tract is feeling the best it has since last June when I first noticed something wasn't "right" again.

What do you think Kimmerz? Is she up to the ankle, the knee, the ?, in the water testing? smile

T^2
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


Top
#2237726 - 04/13/12 07:27 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Online
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2321
Loc: Rocky Mountains
One other thing...just an observation...in January, after the horrible holiday season, its affects on the kids, the spew and awful things W said to me, the cyber/phone affairs and suspected PA... I was going to kick HER out...now look where things are at...I am glad I sucked in my pride, detached and hung in there.

Patience, perseverance and the other ingredients in the "Recipe" can work I believe.

But the show isn't over yet...TBD... smile
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


Top
#2237774 - 04/13/12 10:52 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Online
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2321
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Wanted to add to the last short post: the help from posters, the sitches here in the forum, the DB books, all the recommended books and resources...kept me going when I wanted to throw in the towel...even if for just one more day... smile
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


Top
#2237793 - 04/14/12 12:27 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
hrm134 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/07/12
Posts: 254
Hey TSquared2 I was just catching up on your stitch today and must say Wendy's feral cat analogy, literally made me laugh out loud!

Top
#2237800 - 04/14/12 12:56 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: hrm134]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Hi T^2.

I am so glad you read that book! Which was one it? Lol... I've suggested 2 of them so far.

Well Based on what you're noticing now with her behavior...wow. Ok I can tell you what it would mean if I were acting this way, but as we know I am not her, just like you said in regards to my xh.

First of all...just the fact that you two were able to truly communicate over that past issue and really address the sitch for what it was, and acknowledge the parts played in it by the both of you is WONDERFUL, and a HUGE STEP in my opinion.

Whats even so much more encouraging to hear is that she took some time to mull this over, and later came back to apologize to you, admit her role and the offer forgiveness to you is really a great sign.

You guys are communicating and resolving conflict one step at a time. If this is a 180 for you (coming to the table and admitting your role played and why you feel you reacted or did whatever you did at the time) this has got to be a huge eye opener for her. By doing that, you've proven to her that you've really worked on yourself. That shows you truly love and care for not only her and your children, but that you do love yourself. Taking a look at one's self and realizing the work that needs done is NOT FOR WIMPS. Admitting it is another. Good work my man! Good work!

And by doing this, you've actually created a safe place for her now. This will help her trust you and feel safe with you, especially if she's struggling with her own emotions and insecurities right now.

As a woman, I must tell you, when we lay our heads on a man's chest, that really means we feel connected to you.

In regards to toe dipping ....possibly mid calf. Getting close to knee height.

Once we get to knee height, it's very easy for us to fall all the way in at that point. Be ready to catch her when she's ready for a swim.

I wanted to say that it's clear to me that you and your wife are both very level headed individuals. It takes a level of maturity to just stop and think about what's going on when MLC and/or midlife transition occurs for the person that's going through the MLC. Ok, as we know most MLCers just flip out and run off screaming and yelling and blaming every one. They leave a path of destruction that's impossible to completely recover. It doesn't sound like your W did that. Even amongst her spew, she did stop and start to listen to you, and you gave her space. And then you worked on you and still do everyday.

And she's still there.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

Top
#2237828 - 04/14/12 03:51 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: hrm134]
TSquared2 Online
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2321
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Yes, Wendy's Feral Cat metaphor is beyond purrrfect...lol! (sorry, couldn't resist...)

I couldn't have found one better....thanks Wendy!!!
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


Top
#2237838 - 04/14/12 04:22 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1078
Loc: Hawaii
Well I own a catamaran, that is named Catatonic, so I have cats on the brain.....
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

Top
Page 7 of 12 < 1 2 ... 5 6 7 8 9 11 12 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Jack_Three_Beans, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004