I have found that the biggest changes... the ones that were worth the most
the ones that mattered most to my ultimate happiness
were the ones that happened on the inside
and
initially anyway
only involved how I looked at myself
they required no one else's participation
because firstly...I had to learn to depend on myself
I had to act as if there was no one else in my life to be concerned about...
who was I who did I want to be where did I want to go
I made a goal/dream board so I had a visual reminder of where I wanted to go in my life...things that were important...what I wanted my authentic self to be
for example...I had worse than no self esteem because I had the worst most horrible self esteem ever. I felt I deserved bad things happening to me. I didn't like that but I didn't know how to change that. But I decided that I wanted to feel good about myself. Really good. Like I deserved amazing and wonderful things to happen to me without feeling guilty. So I found examples of what that would look like and sound like and cut them out and pasted them down and looked at them everyday.
Fig – I totally agree. I was working on myself WAY before the bomb drop. Spent a year in counseling working on me. I’ve stumbled a little on the self esteem path since then, but know ultimately what a happy me looks like. I want to get back there. Hopefully with my M intact. But if not, I need to rethink what a single, happy, fulfilled me looks like. Before counseling, I never had that. I was what people thought was happy, but not really fulfilled or liking myself too much. Being single isn’t what will be the hard thing to do. Depending on myself won’t be hard. I’ve been doing that most of my life anyway. Getting over losing my husband will be the hardest thing. I haven’t really been thinking about it that way (avoidance I know), but I guess there’s no time like now to start.
Originally Posted By: figgeroni
I had to act as if there was no one else in my life to be concerned about...
This stood out for me. I don’t think I’ve ever done this in my life. Something I worked on in counseling but never got good at. One more thing to work on I guess.
That is why whenever H would have ideas or plans and I would question the "what ifs" or "buts" H would say I was being negative when in reality I was just exploring the options.
Saw this on wishing's thread and wanted to journal my thoughts here.
Pick any day out of my M, and this would describe my H and I. I realized that while I was stating "options" what he was hearing was that I thought his idea to do something wasn't a good one, and I had a better one. My H saw that as me not supporting him. This was one of the things I did wrong on the checklist he had in his head.
So I've worked on just talking to him about his ideas or plans, and as long as no one is going to die, be injured, or end up penniless, I tell him to go for it! I think it surprised him the first time I did it.
Funny thing is RoRoin, I finally got to the point where I would say "sure, go ahead if that is what you want to do". Then down the road if the outcome was not what he wanted or expected, of course I would get the blame. I just couldn't win.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Why do I feel like I'm starting all over with DBing since the conversation with H the other night? I'm getting the urge to snoop and see what I find. (Don't worry, I won't, but I want to)
I've been thinking (probably too much) about the conversation and trying to pull out things he said that I'd never heard before. It seems strange to me that he never once said he loved OW or defended her. He told me she wasn't the reason he wanted to leave, which I don't believe totally. I mean, having her around gives him a quicker reason to exit in my book.
Anyway, I'm working on moving on from the conversation, and continuing with my plan. It's been hard for whatever reason. It kinda felt like the bomb drop all over again, but I recovered a little quicker. Does this happen with everyone?
In doing one of the tasks suggested by my coach, I left my H a note yesterday when I left for work (he was at a dr appt). The note just said I hope he got good news from the dr about his knee, and no matter what the results were, he was not in this alone, and that I loved him. I used to leave notes like this ALL the time...a LOOOOONNNNGGG time ago. When I got home, the note was nowhere in sight, and he didn't mention it. Didn't bother me too much, but I did think How rude! LOL
Then this morning I get a text message from him saying have a good day; he hopes my back doesn't give me much trouble today, he ended it with Love you! I guess I can look at that as a positive, but then I remember he still wants to leave, and I wonder why he's sending messages like this.
I know I can only control me, and I've been doing really good about working on me. But I guess that conversation shook me more than I thought it would. I told him I understood he wanted to leave, and while I didn't want him too, I wouldn't stop him.
I'm committed to trying what my coach (and fig) said, and for two days in; where for once I'm actually following directions (LOL) I think I'm doing okay. Need to go back and re-read my notes. Maybe get some new ideas. Again, I'm trying to remain positive, but I'm not getting much back from my H. Doesn't bother me as much, but there's more work to be done in the detachment area for sure. But I am better than I used to be.
I normally write on my stepson's FB page, telling him to have a good day, I love him, miss him, etc. Well his mother responded to the one I posted this week: 'Ro, I'm so happy you love my baby. That really gives me great comfort when I know he is going to be with the two of you for extended stays. I truly can say the feeling is genuine on his part...sometimes he stomps away saying "I'm going to stay with Ro!"...Okay...not his dad, but Ro...lol. All I can do is laugh.'
This is one of the issues my H said he had with me, and one of the main reasons he's leaving. When we first got together he wanted me to have this close relationship with my stepson. I would call, my SS would barely talk, etc. So I told H I wasn't going to try again. He has been holding this against me since then - at least 2+ years ago. Since last summer, when my SS came to stay for a week or so, we've gotten closer. H and I acutally kind of got into it while he was here about me not spending enough time with him. I told him I was trying.
I talked to my counselor about it, and she helped me see one of the reasons was because I didn't think I was good enough to be his stepmother. (I have mother issues myself, which led to this revelation) This all came out when H and I talked the other night. He asked me why I didn't tell him that's how I felt? I said at first I didn't even know that's what it was. I asked him why he didn't tell me that it was bothering him that much FOR SO LONG. He didn't have an answer. I told him even though I felt like I wasn't good enough, I tried the best I could, and now SS and I are so much better...closer. I love that kid as my own.
I basically busted out crying when I saw his mother's message. It made me feel good that I was able to work through (for the most part) my own mother issues, in order to be the kind of stepmother he deserves. And my H thinks my SS will be totally okay when we tell him that we're separating.
