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#2237193 - 04/11/12 01:04 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: 2chiquitos]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
One thing I noticed today ... something I'm suffering and just now noticed. Usually I notice things right off the bat. I'm pretty keen on changes in my body and such.

But, I'm having heart palpitations. Which I believe are stress related. I've really been holding a lot of things in, trying to look and act calm and "with it." Inside, though, I'm a mess.

I need to relax and deal with this a bit more productively. There are times when I look at my situation and shrug it off. The day goes by and I'm just fine. Other times, like now, I live with the fear up front and in my face. I don't show it, but it's there. For some time now it's been heavy.

I need the "screw it" attitude back. I want to shrug it all off and go on with my life as if none of this is going on. This past week has been difficult.

I did receive an email from a local Al-Anon rep telling me that the meetings here are still on, once a week at 12pm. If I get the nerve I'm going to go next week.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2237303 - 04/11/12 08:12 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Why has it been so tough the past several weeks? Why do I feel so insecure? Why do I think she's lying about her drinking, or drug use, or talking to someone?

Why can't I see her for what she is and what she's done? Why can't I just walk out and be happy by myself?

I'm hurting pretty bad tonight. Cried a couple of times even. I'm alone tonight. They all went to visit family down in Florida.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

Top
#2237408 - 04/12/12 09:37 AM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
After work, I ate then went straight to the yard to cut grass, edge, and make it look nice. The rain has really helped make my grass thick and green. My push-mower is on it's highest level and sometimes I still need to go over sections twice just to mulch all the clippings.

While listening to music I got a call from my daughter. My wife lost her phone so she's been borrowing ours until we can get her one. I though maybe it was her, but it was my daughter. She's a daddy's girl, through and through. She's so much like me and wants to please me in so many ways. Sometimes it's frustrating because she never needs my approval, but she's constantly trying to get it. Ironically, I try to do the same thing to my wife sometimes.

She sounded tired on her way to Florida. My wife's father was taking them and a couple of cousins down to visit my wife's sister and her family. The Florida trips are always memorable. My wife's sister is pretty well off and she always makes the visits pretty awesome. At the time, my wife was driving so she didn't get on the phone. I chatted with my little girl for a bit and let her go as I was getting back on the yard. I cranked up the music and went at it again.

After putting all my equipment away, I went inside, straightened up a bit, and took a shower. I stood there in the shower for a while not doing much. The water was extremely hot and it felt real good. Outside the temps were dropping and the wind was picking up. I was just wearing shorts and a t-shirt so I was actually getting cold. The heat from the water was soothing. Then I just started crying. Not long. Just a few seconds.

This heaviness has been on me for a few weeks now. It just seems my wife has given up on so much with her life. Since she was denied her nursing license for another 6 months she really has no reason to continue to try. And because of that she may spin into a cycle of "not giving a sh**" about trying to maintain anything; her NA meetings, her NA steps, her Aftercare meetings, her calls to get tested, her drinking, her drug use, her marriage.

Through all her giving up, if that's what will happen, I feel I'll be given up on too. As much as I've tried and changed and worked on me and us, I feel like I've failed.

After the shower, I stopped in the bathroom and cried a little bit more. I need a good, deep cry. I don't cry much - if any - and I'm due a good one. Being home alone I should just belt one out, but I can't. It's not in me to really cry. After a bit I settled down on the couch with my good bud (my dog) and watched some food shows. When I'm maintaining a race weight this is usually what I'll watch since I can't eat much fattening stuff.

My weight is the lowest it's been in decades. Veins are popping out all over my mid-section and on my legs. This is when I know I'm real thin. Skinny, I should say. It's motivating to keep at it. Through the week it's small meals and a gallon of water. On the weekends I'm a little more open to eat anything since it's when I race or train longer and can burn up the calories pretty easily.

After settling in my wife called and seemed distant. Damn it, this is not what I needed right now. I need a little something to pick me up. I could tell the conversation was going no where so I told her to call me around 9pm to let me know how they were doing. It's usually the time I start fading since I'm up at 3:30am to eat, train, then go to work. She told me to call her if I hadn't heard from her because she may forget. "Yeah, right." I ain't calling her. I don't want to come off desperate or needy. So we said goodbye and hung up. I took a half of a sleeping pill, watched people eating awesome food and faded out on the couch.

About 12am I got a text that they arrived. I looked at it and went back to sleep.

This morning I feel different.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

Top
#2237439 - 04/12/12 11:37 AM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4823
Loc: Florida
tpc,

I know you are a man of faith. After a friend sent this to me (last nite), and after reading your post here this morning, I felt led that I was supposed to share this song with you:


"Lead Me"


It's powerful.


You are not alone in this,


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2237476 - 04/12/12 01:31 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: Starsky309]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I guess you're wanting me to make a fool of myself at work, right?

;-)

My eyes started welling up immediately because I know the song and I know what it stands for. Sheesh ... I'm sniffling right now.

Thank you for thinking of me. No, I'm not alone.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

Top
#2237482 - 04/12/12 01:35 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4823
Loc: Florida

Sowwy. smile
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2237514 - 04/12/12 04:18 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: Starsky309]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I'm trying to play it cool today. While she's off on her vacation with her family I'm not calling or texting. When she did call I acted real cool and happy. I tried to keep it short and sweet.

Even though I want to talk to her bad right now. I'll just let her make the move.

Tonight I'm going home to start laying down more tile in my daughter's room. I hope to have more than half done before they get back. But my weekend will be real busy. I be doing 2 or 3 races, plus going to a big one downtown with my teammates (maybe).
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

Top
#2237649 - 04/13/12 10:01 AM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Still a little panicky this morning.

Last night she called, we talked briefly. I stayed focused, trying to keep an upbeat and confident voice. When the conversation seemed to start dying out I ended it.

I guess if I really knew what she was thinking about our marriage, about me, about her, about our future, I'd feel better. She says a lot of things to keep me at peace. It really doesn't work. She lies a lot. It's easier that way, you know. Instead of feeling the guilt associated with the truth.

I need to just find peace within myself. I need to relax and take it in strides. But I'm a fixer. When something's broken I'm on it to make it work again.

Also, I hate being led on. If she's leading me on until a better time then I would love to know now and leave.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

Top
#2237710 - 04/13/12 02:28 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4823
Loc: Florida
tpc,

You are waaaaayyyyyy too focused on yoru wife.



You're a fixer? GOOD. (so am I). Work on yourself for the forseeable future, without looking over your shoulder to see if she's following you. If she DOES follow you, you win. If she DOESN'T, you still win, because you'll be a much better/stronger/happier tpc.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2237734 - 04/13/12 04:14 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: Starsky309]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Something I don't understand though...

One of the reasons my wife checked out was because I didn't focus enough on her. Especially when she was going through such a rough time. Now I'm too focused.

I love her dearly. I could lose her very soon. That's my fear and fear of failing her again.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

Top
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