I had a small setback as we transitioned to separation this weekend. H was here on Friday as he was packing and said "it really hurts when you don't respond to my texts" I said "I always do if they are about the kids" and I guess I thought to myself, it may be a 180 to listen and respond occasionally. I was wrong
It was too confusing and somewhat led H to believe that things were ok, started sending pictures of the boat that he just dropped in this weekend, a picture of his finger wearing his wedding ring, and random small talk. He went to the Flyers playoff game and was sending pictures. It was too much.
He has been telling everyone that we are just having a few bumps. His sister called me yesterday and said "marriage is hard, you two will be ok" LOL I can only imagine what she was told, I can guarantee you that OW was not included. I am not out to embarass him but he is making it look like I am doing this over nothing or over reacting. Ugh.
Last night I texted him that we need to discuss a few things and really settle them, that includes visitation (I don't want him here every other weekend, it is too disruptive and confusing for the boys) Until he gets a place to take them, we will have to figure out an alternative.
We also need to finalize finances, if we need a mediator we will get one. His suggestion is to do the bills together every other week. I originally agreed but we need a cleaner break than that, and hopefully we can do it together.
I asked him to keep our discussions to email for now, and plan to go darker than ever.
I was a bit worried about this. From the moment he uttered "trial separation" it gave him an opening to start doing things he thought you would want, and not for the benefit of his person (first).
I completely understand your concern re: visitation in the home... Probably better than anyone else... (here's the but) but, is it possible to explain the concerns/boundary, and tell him you're agreeing to try it for a week or two. I just know how much better it is for the kids(since his residence is temp). You know his ability to control the Party Dad lifestyle... So, just my thoughts w/out a full picture...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Well angry H is back today, he has been blowing up my phone with calls and texts
He is saying that my support group is bad for me, they are filling my head with nonsense.
What happened, what changed, we were on a good path last week and he doesn't understand my 180 (to keep contact to finances and kids). He said "you tricked me into moving out" Accused me of sending him a threatening email, when the truth is that I emailed to offer him my hotel room on our business trip in 3 weeks and I will stay with my project manager. If I didn't give it up he would have to stay across the street. He was hoping to not let on at all and stay in the same room with 2 beds. He said "this support group is bad news"
When I didn't respond to his texts he texted "I don't want to fight, I thought we were in a good place. What happened"
I know now that he misunderstood my niceness re: the kids and being flexible. He had no intention of doing any work and was "waiting me out" like he did before.
I need to go as dark as possible now. My only concern is that he can legally show up here, and move back in. That would be so bad for the kids. I think I may need to call my attorney this morning, just waiting for her to open.
Having read your posts for a while I had a bad feeling he would start twisting things again. Mine did the same thing for a while and insisted my support systems were filling my head with nonsense and turning me against him.
Be as dark as you can, talk to your attorney, and BREATHE.....
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Autumn - ' Ignore my above post... after our convo.
Take the advice of your L. I'm here.
Agree with this. ^^^
He's cycling wildly now, as we knew he would. Just came later than we thought, and not at a time when we expected it, that's all.
Autumn, you have thrown him off of his power equilibrium, and -- assuming he's "being good" (with regard to using, and/or OW) -- you have also separated him from at least 2 of his 3 known "fixes" of choice.
Did you REALLY expect that he would simply "go along" with that? I didn't.
LOL labug, ok you made me laugh a little with the quacking. It is so true.
He emailed to say he is changing is flight to avoid flying together, he will take me up on the room change and we need to discuss separating finances when I am ready.
He also said he prefers to stay here every other weekend, as we discussed. It is clear by his tone that he is saving his emails for an attorney, as he keeps saying "as we discussed"
I am not responding and waiting for a call back from my attorney
Good idea, Autumn. Wouldn't be a bad idea to -- at least once -- reply something like "Well, it's safe to say that we both have a much different interpretation of what we discussed and agreed to, but okay" (or some such) -- just in case he is saving these for legal purposes.
Also wouldn't be a bad idea to occasionally try to "diffuse" with something nice to one of his texts, like "I can see you're trying; I do hope things eventually work out for both of us" or "I'm not your enemy, despite what you think -- I'm just trying to do what I think I need to do right now, what's best for me and the kids", etc.
Great suggestions Starsky. I now realize how carefully I need to phrase things, as he takes my niceness as vulnerability and his manipulation has always worked in the past. It makes him very angry that its not working and 'darn those people for filling my head'. I keep shaking my head, this is not how I expected to start my week.
