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Did you read this thread?

Stages of the LBS


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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WHG, I spent some time reading your thread.. I'm sorry for your sitch! We have something very similar in that we have step children involved. Even though we are going through something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, you are very lucky you are still in contact with you children. My wife doesn't want me to see our daughter. She and I have a very special bond, have had it from the first day I met her. Even though she is not mine biologically, there has never been a day that I have felt that she isn't mine! I would sell my soul to know that I will have a role in my D's life in the future.
I truly feel that wife feels so gulity about what she has done to me, that she doesn't want anything else to make her feel worse. It has been almost three weeks since i have seen D! When I have gotten the chance in last couple months, D clings to me more and more. I think this makes my wife worse about our whole situation.

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I think piecing is hard. I know that once I made peace inside with myself about his impending move out, I started thinking to myself, that at least I will not have to deal with his insanity anymore. I won't have to take the shark eyes, the emotional distancing, and the coldness. Making the decision that I was going forward without him is what gave me a sense of strength and although the thought of being single again terrified me, I just wanted an end to his emotional abuse and the hell I was going through.

I didn't know how we were going to glue things back together either, but it's happening by the grace of God, learning to communicate again, and an excellent counselor. We do hit bumps, we are not perfect, and we are dealing with a lot of feelings.

I can tell you that when he decided to stay it produced a different type of anxiety in me, and a fear of not wanting to go through that hell again. I really had to dig deep inside and decide for myself if I wanted to stay with him and go through this. Because this is huge for me too. He turned our lives upside down.... nothing will be the same between us. No matter how much counseling we have. There will always be that memory of last summer, but we can overcome it by becoming closer and working on the M.

The thing that comes into focus once the WAS wants to stay and work through it, is...... what caused this break down in the first place and addressed, and things have to change. The positive changes you make, you want to keep.

Then there are new boundaries and understandings that take place. It's bit by bit. But I know that we are healing.

WHG, I still think you are way too accessible to your w, for her to even have time to ponder her life. Although things are stressful for her, she still has you as her cushion.

Maybe it's time for a babysitter to come into play here for a few nights of the week. Or, change up how the week nights (school nights) are dealt with. Such as, you keep the kids with you, rather than going into her home all of the time, then you take them to school in the morning and she pick them up.

You being in her home all of the time, does not sound healthy to me, but that's just my opinion. There needs to be a spatial boundary that still does not exist.

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CT... I know, I can't find a good answer the meets all the goals I'd like to meet unfortunately. I've thought through all the options and weighed them over and over. There are pros and cons in each direction.

I've considered having the kids stay here. But that makes three houses they stay at during the week. That's no life for a ten year old.

I've considered cutting ties and going the babysitter route. But I only have them one, maybe two night a week now. A babysitter makes that zero. Then I won't see SS and SD except for once or twice a month if I'm lucky. Or the only times I will get to see them is when W wants "relief" from having them all... that's worse than it is now where I see them on my own terms. I am not willing to do that.

It's not that I'm not aware that the current arrangement makes me too accessible. I just don't see another option where I can live with myself. Can I just cut her off? Walk away? Sure. But then I walk away from two kids who I love. So it's a deadman's gambit.

I realize I am choosing accessibility and access to SS and SD over going completely dark. I recognize it's probably "bad DBing". But my W has already sacrificed the wellness and relationships of the kids for her own needs. I'm not willing to offer them up as sacrifices too. If it means I hurt more, hurt longer, or don't heal as fast... that's a conscious choice I'm making for the sake of having an R with them. If it means W and I don't get back together, that's something I have to live with too. Since there are not guarantees in this I then can only control my own actions. I can control whether I see and spend time with SS and SD.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I'm screwing all this up by keeping contact like this. And there isn't a day I wonder if I just walked away what the hole in my chest would be like, because I already know how big it is when I have to say goodbye to my SD and say things like "see you in a week young lady".

W texted me this morning that SS is failing Language. She missed an email from his teacher two weeks ago. She doesn't know what to do or how to handle it. I asked a simple question, "when are you meeting with his teacher". The reply? She hadn't thought of that. I left her to her devices to figure out how to solve this. I don't really have that role since I'm the part-part-part time dad. She texted me later wondering if I could walk S to school if she dropped him off so that she could meet with SS's teacher this morning before she went to work. Originally she asked if I could meet with SS's teacher because she had to go to work. I told her that she needs to.. I'm not in a role where that's appropriate anymore. She complained that she might be late for work. Yes, you might be.

I did ask her once she figured it out to let me know if I can help SS and if there are consequences what they are so I can implement them too. When she called me to update me she lamented that she just doesn't understand how this can happen. He was getting good grades first half of the school year and now he just stops doing homework and stops trying. Yeah... I just can't figure out what's so different... and where or where did he learn to just give up on things? Obviously I didn't say those things.. there's no point, but I guess she thought this was all going to go so smoothly. Kids have a funny way of putting bumps in the road.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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Posts: 982
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Hmm.. I did just realize that this summer should allow me a little more flexibility. I'll still have the kids at my place on nights my W works. However, there won't be school the next morning like there is now. This means she can stop by and pick them up on her way home. Staying up late during the summer is part of summer anyway and it give me more time with them (being with them while they sleep is sort of a buzzkill smile.

And on Wednesdays I'm going to be spending the day with them which I'm looking forward to. So if it's a Tuesday night they could even spend the night here.

At least that's a little better.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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I had an unusual interaction with my W today. It's my weekend. I picked my S up and we went to Wal-Mart to get a few things. We're in the store looking at things and my phone rings, I answer it. It's my W. I had been expecting an out of state call so I didn't even look assuming it was this other person.

She asks where S and I are at. I just tell her we're out. She says she knows, we're at Wal-Mart, just where in the store are we. Well, we're in gardening. She says "see you in a minute". And sure enough there she is a few seconds later.

I just don't get her. S was happy though. He had asked to stop by her house as he missed her (day 3 of a 5 day stretch away from her) and I vetoed that. So he was thrilled she was there. I felt mixed.

Then she tells me she had spent the afternoon rummage saleing with her mom and stepdad. Suddenly S says, "gee, that sounds horrible" in his little facetious voice, as he knows W doesn't like spending time with her mom. The voice, timing, and mannerisms were extremely funny so we both tried hard not to laugh and shared that look that parents share when you're kid does/says something that's not wholly appropriate, but is also true and hilarious.

So then she shopped with us for a short bit. Finally I just asked her what she wanted. She said she saw my van and thought she could stop and say hi. I finally asked her if she wanted to shop with S since he missed her and I went off to get a few other things. I picked him back up again and we checked out.

When I got out to my van I realized she had parked right next to me, and I was not in a place where you want to park. She had to consciously choose to park all the way out there.

I don't understand her.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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Had a mixed weekend. Had S all weekend which was great. We had a lot of fun. Bought him a new inflatable water slide thing and that was money well spent smile

The mixed part is that my S is speaking of the break-up more. I'm not sure if it's the transition of summer, end of kindergarten or what but he mentions it at least every other day now. This weekend it was once or twice each day. I can see it hurts him. That it confuses him and his little mind is struggling to understand it. I hate to see him hurt. At one point this weekend he asked if mommy would go with daddy to a dance. When I said that wouldn't happen he fell apart because we must not love each other. So again we walked through the love of friends, that mommy and daddy are doing the best we can, and that this will take time. But that we both still love him tremendously. And it was just a theoretical dance...

Ended up with S an extra night last night. W forgot to put her spare house key back in its spot so I couldn't get into her house to put S to bed. She asked if I wanted her to get S after work or just have him sleep here. I opted to keep him another night as I didn't want him up until 10pm on a school night.

I've been waiting for the inevitable pushback from W's impromptu shopping escapade with us on Friday. I'm sort of surprised nothing so far. Received a number of emails from her this weekend about her work schedule and some money items we're working out. Each time I opened an email I braced myself for a pushback but nothing.

Then today she called and I let it go to voice mail. She wanted to know when I was picking SS up. SS and I have a deal that he can mow my lawn and I'll pay him $10. Anyway, I called her back and as we talked I told her to let me know when they were done with supper and I'd come over so I didn't interrupt their dinner. Then she invites me over to eat dinner with them. I told her I was working late but I'd see, but not to count on me. I ended up deciding not to go.

I picked SS up and we worked on the lawn together. Then ran to the store together. Got back home and let SS pay a little XBox while we talked and caught up. Then got a text from W asking if I was home. Said I was and a few minutes later there she is with S. They had walked to a park nearby and thought they'd stop by. Ok... gave me a chance to give S the outfit I bought him for his Kindergarten ceremony tomorrow. Then I gave them all a lift back to her house as I was heading out of town from some GAL.

So she continues to baffle me. Her tone is much nicer than ever. She emailed me this morning apologizing profusely that she missed my reply to a schedule email yesterday. Seriously... I didn't care.

One awkward moment tonight came when she was at my house. She was trying to remember one of my S's classmates names. I told her the class list was on the bulletin board. She looked and came back pissed off. Apparently I'm the only parent listed. Mind you the class list was printed back in August. She starts going off about how dare they not list her.. just because we're apart doesn't mean she shouldn't be on there... I point out the list was printed in August. I remind her there was a glitch in the district database where we had two records (one for her, one for me... prophetic I guess). That S was tied to my record until I got that resolved in September. No dice... wasn't placating her at all.

I could feel all the old feelings racing back. Feeling like I was failing. Feeling like I was letting her down because she was mad, even though her anger wasn't rational or justified.

But this time I was able to snap myself out of it. I realized she's pissed. Ok. I can't make her un-pissed. I tried to offer her new information, she didn't want to internalize it. That's all I can do. So I just turned to my S and had him try on his new outfit.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
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my advice would be to NOT go to these dinner things...stop her from stopping by randomly...don't stop by there randomly...

you are not together anymore

she is allowed to act as if you are

this pulls you back into feeling as if you are
and
it holds you both back from doing the work on yourselves you need to do

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WHG- My w has been re-engaging w/ me and our kids more as well, stopping by more, inviting me to do things w/ them, etc..

It is confusing because we haven't had a r talk in months and I don't know where her mind is.

Part of me thinks her anger towards me has dissipated and she would just like to be friends (she has stated this a few times) which at the end of the day may be what's best for all of us.

I see Figgeroni's post and it makes sense on many levels but I also feel somewhat like our marriage was based on friendship (was yours?) and if my w is making a genuine attempt to improve that it doesn't feel right to shut that down.

The trouble is to not let them pull us back in and then have us expecting something more.

I have been struggling w/ this for a few weeks but just wanted you to know someone else is dealing w/ some similar dynamics.

Best to u and the fam!


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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Yes Say... that's very much what it feels like. Like the anger has dissipated. That she is trying to re-engage. I just don't know what the end game/goal is. I don't know that she knows either.

We've always stated from the start that we want to be civil. Maybe friends some day. That's where we started. Her actions now are unlike her actions in the past. I don't know the motivation so I can't assign a value. All I can do is observe they are different.

She posted a photo on Facebook yesterday of our S blowing bubbles and tagged me in it so I would see it. I know... that seems so minor. It's the first time though in seven months she's acknowledged I existed on FB. This after scrubbing every piece of my existence from her FB page.

This morning I was walking to my S's school for the ceremony marking his passage to first grade. W was going to be there too. As I walked down the street she pulls up behind me and offers me a ride. Again, so very minor but lightyears from where things were.

Then she asked if it was okay to sit with me during the ceremony. I said yes because... well, what else would I say? No? Go sit by yourself? I guess I could but that seems petty and weird. And it made S happy to have us there, together, to celebrate his achievement. Midway through the ceremony (it was 90 minutes long as they celebrated multiple grades) she asked if I wanted to go get some coffee and we could come back near the end for the social function (as it was really chilly outside at the ceremony). I told her that I'd rather wait and watch the ceremony. Right after that S came looking for us and sat with us.

Ceremony got done and she gave me a ride back home. We talked a bit and I used it as a chance to discuss how S has been feeling. That he says he doesn't like sharing his feelings about the D with my W because, "when I do she just starts talking really fast and then she does something to cheer me up." Which I'm sure is exactly what happens since my W talks fast when she's nervous and she hates seeing the kids, especially the youngest, in pain.

So yes... it's a struggle. To Figg's point... I don't stop by her place without a purpose that is kid related and I always clear it first. If I have something to give her/drop off I do it when she's not there.

It's her dropping in on me that I struggle with. It's a very new behavior. Now three times in a week... prior to that she hadn't just "dropped in". She at least gave me notice. I don't know if I sit down with her and say that I don't appreciate the drop-ins. Problem is she does them with S in tow or when I'm with S. Sort of like a safety buffer... she knows I won't say no to seeing my S. I'm not sure if I want to say no to that.

And then part of me knows she is very nervous about the summer. Money is tight. Kids are home more which means more expense. She's starting her Masters program on-line this summer. Part of me wonders if this "thaw" (of sorts) is her trying to keep a lifeline open in case things go crazy or whatnot.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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