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And now I'm just downright confused.

She popped in again this afternoon... I asked if I could pick SS and SD up from school so I could take them out for treats to celebrate the end of the school year since I have to work tomorrow. W was more than happy... she said it would allow her to nap. Well, that wasn't what I was going for, but whatever, it's a by-product of me spending time with the kids. Such is life.

Anyway, kids and I have a good time. I hadn't seen SD in a week so I was really happy. Their dad picked them up and S and I were looking at photos of his ceremony when there's a knock on the door. I send my S to answer the door and I hear, "mommy!". WTF?

And sure enough, it's her. She comes in and I ask what's up. Says she couldn't nap and all her friends are busy so she wanted to stop by. So this is already strange... no pretense this time. Then she reaches in her pocket and hands me a key to her house. I must have looked puzzled. She explains that this way I don't have to worry about being locked out anymore if she forgets to put the spare key back.

I told her that S and I were just about to take the dog for a walk (which wasn't untrue) and so while I got stuff together for that she talked and then left as we left.

The key thing though still has me baffled. I mean it's not like... "here's my key, wink, wink" or anything of that sort. When she first moved I remember thinking I should ask for a key to prevent lockouts, but then thought better of it. It seemed not right. That ultimately if I couldn't get in with the kids we'd figure something out. That at that time she didn't trust me much. If she wanted me to have a key she'd give one to me. If she didn't, she wouldn't. After all she told me where the spare key is, but somehow having a key is a whole other thing.

Again... I can't say I see this as a positive... nor a negative. I don't know what to think of it, but it does baffle me. Mostly this is logistics. After she left part me of wondered if I should have even taken it... even now part of me wonders that.

I continue to be baffled by her.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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since it is the summer, I would assume you wouldn't need to be bringing the kids to her house to sleep.

if this is how you want your relationship with her to be (convenient babysitter) then keep putting yourself in that position

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Actually I wasn't planning on it. That's why the key thing confused me. I won't actually have a need for it over the summer. Though I suppose it's possible on a day I have the kids they'll want something from there and if they don't have their key they're SOL. But somehow they'll survive.

I don't get the "convenient babysitter" comment. This is the deal we struck. I watch them when she works. Yesterday I guess I was the babysitter and it was convenient for her. But not because she asked or expected.

Yes, the other option was to not take them... then go two weeks without seeing my stepdaughter. You're right in that case, it is a choice. The same choice from the start. Put the kids first or put me first.

You don't have to like it. I don't really like it much either. I just like the alternate even less.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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I admire you for putting the kids 1st but as Gabby's mom says...you are like her permanent plan B...when her friends are busy or she is lonely or doesn't want to sit or do something alone, you are the one she turns to

if you are Ok with that, and want nothing more, then that is great

if you are looking for something more, you will need to change up the pattern

if that means that you say you are waiting for someone else to sit by (even if you aren't) or you make a beeline for the bathroom when you see her walking toward you or whatever, that's what you do

it might mean you have to be blunt and really brush her off


or

if you are Ok with being plan B then keep it the way it is

I am just not sure it sounds like you even want more, which is why I am asking

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I remember a few years ago going to a Jack Johnson concert with my best friend. Her husband walked out on her after putting her through his MLC hell for two years. Once he was gone, she caught on to what GAL really meant for her. That meant, cutting him off and going dark and refusing to respond unless it was about the child they shared. Anyway, back to the concert...

I remember her telling me about how she was always in the corner he wanted her in. Always doing what he asked, always there, always reliable. But when he left for good, it finally struck her... that she was free to explore her life again. As we sat there at the concert..... he texted her at least 10 times, and called and left voice mails.

I was talking to her again the other day and she was telling me about how she got him back, and it meant "blacking him out" as she put it. She found someone to transport their child back and forth for visits, and told him not to come to her home no more as it made her feel uncomfortable.

When she took these steps, he turned really angry because she was no longer in that corner. They had a business together, and when he went into crisis he booted her out and told her to stay out of their office. When he left, he begged her to do the book keeping again. She did for awhile, then completely stopped.

Her husband never saw her as an individual with needs of her own. He saw her as someone who existed for him.

I guess what I'm saying is, because WHG I thought about you as I listened to her talk, that maybe it is time to find someone who can either transport the children to and from your home, and stop going to her home. Stand up to her and tell her that you don't want to talk anymore unless it's for the kids and that dinners make you uncomfortable.

She does not feel you gone from her life. You are wearing the chain and she's jerking it whenever she needs you. It's not fair. She just walked out on you and when she's bored, she comes by to hang out?

She does not see you as having a life, a separate entity, a man who has his needs. You are there to fulfill her needs and take care of her, but it's OK for her to go out and do as she pleases.

You are a man who has a life too, who has needs too. She must see you as someone who just exists to help her and bail her out.

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^^^Some great things in here to think about, WHG. Nicely said, Ctflor.

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I'll admit that I am torn. I realize I am her Plan B. I don't what I want long-term, other than I really want my family back. I appreciate the advice though the practicality of it doesn't work. Who is going to transport kids at 9:30 at night between houses that are 8 blocks apart. While I understand the distance piece there's a point where all of this just becomes sublime and ridiculous.

And it feels selfish; no it is selfish. Not towards my STBX, but towards my SS and SD. When given a chance to spend an extra afternoon with them I can take it or leave. Most of the time I take it. But not to make her life better or easier, but because that's what I told them I would do. I told them I would make a hard effort to remain a part of their life. I can go dark. I can get my one evening a week for a few hours. But I can't stay true to my word to them when I choose that. And they know. They know if their aunt comes over that it means I chose to not have them come over. Did I have a good reason? Sure. Is just having my own life free of those encumbrances a good enough reason? I don't know. I really, really don't know. But in the end even if I had a good reason does it matter to a kid? No.

This would be so much easier had I just said to them, sorry... mom opted for this so guess this is it. See you when I see you. But that's not the path I chose. And even now it's not the path I want.

And I'm just so very tired. There isn't a good answer. I don't believe there is a way to maintain a connection to them and be dark, or as dark as I need to be. It's all I can right now to not grab my phone and text her or call her to tell my STBX how much a I hate her for this. I know it's a choice I made. I know it's a choice I can undo. But I can't live with myself if I write them off.

I guess that's where it comes down to. I can't live with myself if I write them off. I can live with myself, at least right now, as a Plan B. I can create boundaries of sorts, but ultimately my access to them relies on her. And I have no legal standing to enforce anything else so it is what it is. I have to decide whether the manipulation (or whatever you want to call it) is too much to accept and then deal with the fallout of how I feel when I choose that four hours a week is what I'm willing to have.

Today is an example. We were supposed to meet at 5:30 tonight to finish settling the June child care schedule. She sends me a text at 4:00 that she wants to take a nap. Offers that I can come over early if I want to spend time with the kids. What she really wants is me there to entertain the kids so they don't disturb her nap. I really wanted to go. Not so she could nap, but so I could see the kids. But I'd just spent the last day and half with SS as we were at youth group events together. So I told her no, I'd be there around when we agreed as I was busy.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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Pretty sad tonight... shouldn't be, but whatever. Weekend was good. SS and I volunteered at an air show together and then our youth group had an all-night lock in. Got to spend 28 straight hours with SS, plus he had a really great time at the air show and the overnight event.

Met with STBX today to finalize June child care schedule. She mentioned that she has the money together to file and will be filing on Wednesday. And this wasn't the "pushback" messages she usually sends, just business. And I knew it was coming... I know it changes nothing. It's just the legal expression of what already is. But it still hurts. Have had two big breakdowns tonight. Miss my SS and SD so much.

And yet S tells me that on Saturday mom took him and SD to our favorite do-it-yourself pottery studio so they could make me some pieces for Father's Day.

This goes back to the part where I get confused. But I'll accept it as a nice token that she still appreciates me as a father. Nothing more.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Jul 2011
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Originally Posted By: workinghardguy
Who is going to transport kids at 9:30 at night between houses that are 8 blocks apart.


But that is actually her problem. She chose the separation, you didn't. She is the primary custodian of the children, and is responsible for their transport to your home. The schedule is her problem. She chose to disrupt her children's lives. She should be paying for a sitter to be home with the children each night so that their lives are not so back and forth and disruptive. I honestly cannot see how it is healthy for them to be back and forth so much, and I don't think it's healthy for your well being to be inside of her home all of the time. JMHO.

Quote:
But I can't live with myself if I write them off.


You don't have to write your children off. Why are you walking on egg shells with her in order to see the children? You have done nothing wrong. If she blows up because you decide to move forward with your life and tries to take visits away, then that is on her. Why not propose a weekend schedule with her, where you get the children one weekend, and the step father the next. During the week, a sitter is employed for the purpose of stability for the kids? And you get to move forward with your life.

Quote:
I can live with myself, at least right now, as a Plan B.


And that is how she will always treat you WHG. She will not respect you, but only see you as plan b. Being just plan b does not sound like someone who is attractive.

She positions the visits in such a way that she is doing you a favor, but she actually just wants someone to rescue her. She wants a nap.....? tell her to call a sitter. You're going to the gym. She's bored and has no one to talk to cause her buddies are not around, so you are second choice? Oops.... I gotta run..... I got a date tonight with some friends.

Being plan b sounds like a miserable existence WHG. You are not a plan B, you are more than that.

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eventually your plan b will also become cumbersome to her because she will begin dating a plan a

and then you will be gone from their lives

what is your relationship like with their dad? Can you arrange for some time with him?

look into getting to see them some other ways other than through her because she is only using you while it is convenient for her

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