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#2237409 - 04/12/12 01:54 PM Re: Turn the page [Re: ces67]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1700
Originally Posted By: ces67
Thanks Cadet,

W finally mentioned it tonight. First she told me to leave the laundry she is doing alone because I dried something that wasn't suppose to be ( it was hand towels, socks and some underwear????)

Then she told me she left the cash there for me to pay the bill and it was due tomorrow. I just looked at her calmly and said ok, you can do that too.
W: no I can't. You took that away from me.
Me: no, you have full access to the joint account. You have a debit card and the checks are where they always are. The account is already set up with the online bill pay. You just need to put the money in the account.
W: well, I never look at that account. How should I know?
Me: well, you choose to take the money out of it every paycheck for yourself.

And that was the end of the conversation. I think my last line was a little testy but she knows she has full access to the account and has all our banking passwords to even see my account even thou her name is not on it. I stayed calm but now it's starting to irritate me. Oh well. It will pass and she can handle her own bills.


She wants the access but not the accountability. Good for you for holding your ground. I think this is part of you regaining your spirit and showing some intestinal fortitude. And don't think she didn't notice!
_________________________
Me49 W52 S16 S12
M21 T24
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2237411 - 04/12/12 02:08 PM Re: Turn the page [Re: 2thepoint]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9294
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Oh ces, these things are so difficult but so necessary.

Whatever you feel is OK, as long as you don;t act from that irritated, angry, hurt, whatever place.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2237627 - 04/13/12 11:50 AM Re: Turn the page [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Thanks all. I'm feeling a really strong pull to talk about a few things with w. when she took this job, it was my understanding (expectation?) that it was to help the family financial issues. Instead, she has used all the money for herself along with some shopping for the kids clothes. In addition to this she has run yet another credit card nearly to the max.

I see this job is simply an excuse to go back to our former home and spend time with friends and possibly OM. Her activities have created yet more debt beyond what she is making. This job is damaging our family finances and pulling us further apart.

I've been telling myself not to say anything, that I can have no expectations of w. that blaming won't help. And these things are true. But does that mean I have to stand by and say nothing when actions are impacting my family?

I am too close to my own sitch and i have blind spots that I am creating for myself. I've been around this loop of "say something-don't say something" for too long. I am not at peace by not saying anything. But my fear is how I will handle myself if I do say something. ( hate that word- fear)

On Thursday, w leaves again for 10 days to be with her friends and "work" as they clear out their inventory and work a show. Will love the time with the kids but this constant "going away" is just getting to me.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2237637 - 04/13/12 01:19 PM Re: Turn the page [Re: ces67]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Whaddup Ces!!

As painful as it was when my w & I seperated our finances I think it has been beneficial in that its one less thing I need to worry about. Granted we don't live together but we do have 3 kids and share some expenses.

It used to bother me that she would buy things or go on mini vacations and then complain about not having any money but at this point I have let that go and she can do what she wants with her money and manage her finances however she pleases.

I'm not saying you should propose this at this time but if it ever comes to it try to look at the positives.

In any event it sounds like your resentment is going to continue to build if nothing is said, do you agree? What do you think that will lead to? I used to (and probably still do) be scared of bringing up these sort of topics w/ my w as it seems you are as well with a few things.

I found that facing these fears head on and confronting the situation was a catalyst for growth and improvement and also found that it usually was not as big of a deal as I made it out to be in my head. What are you fearful of?
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2237639 - 04/13/12 01:25 PM Re: Turn the page [Re: ces67]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1700
Originally Posted By: ces67
Her activities have created yet more debt beyond what she is making. This job is damaging our family finances and pulling us further apart.

I've been telling myself not to say anything, that I can have no expectations of w. that blaming won't help. And these things are true. But does that mean I have to stand by and say nothing when actions are impacting my family?

I am too close to my own sitch and i have blind spots that I am creating for myself. I've been around this loop of "say something-don't say something" for too long. I am not at peace by not saying anything. But my fear is how I will handle myself if I do say something. ( hate that word- fear)


Here's my take, CES. When you talk about expectations, I think that that really has more to do with the relationship and moves toward a reconciliation. I don't think it should apply to basic boundaries especially as it pertains to the financial well being of your family.

If there is an understanding between you and your W as it pertains to finances and she is violating that understanding, then I think it is your responsibility to call her out on it. You can't continually operate in fear for how she would react. You become me egg shell man and really how attractive do you think that is, one and two how does that really make you feel. I'd say probably pretty sh!tty.

You need to start setting and enforcing those boundaries otherwise you are going to get deeper and deeper into the muck of an unfulfilling life and R.

You are coming up on the 2 year mark since the bomb. How much longer are you going to continue to live life shackled to your fears?
_________________________
Me49 W52 S16 S12
M21 T24
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

Top
#2237826 - 04/14/12 03:47 AM Re: Turn the page [Re: 2thepoint]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Journal stuff:

Nothing major this evening. I picked up pizza and snacks on the way home as both kids have friends spending the night. We are all home this evening. Kids are occupied with their friends. W is in the other room watching TV on the computer and I'm in the next room paying the bills and working out a budget plan.

We have talked a bit. W told me she saw an item on the news this week about a company doing model search for 30 or older people and she's going to try it. She's contacted my neice to do some pics of her while she is back in our former home in a couple weeks. She said she didn't want my family or hers to know unless it turned into something. I made a point to be encouraging and told her it sounded fun.

Inside I'm thinking that I hope she doesn't get it because it will be yet another thing to occupy her attention and distract her from our marriage. I'm guessing that's selfish of me but I'm certain that is not how I came across to her.

We talked some more about paint colors and how we are finishing up the painting of our first floor once our tax return comes in (we are paying off stuff too).

Part of me wants to "not rock the boat" when we have somewhat normal interactions like this. But maybe this is the time to open up a dialogue of some sort. I won't do it tonight with the kids having friends over, just in case things go south. Not a good experience for the kids.

Here's what I want to talk about:
- W's new job is adding no value to the family. What she is making is not contributed to the family and she has again run up another credit card balance which is far more than she's made.
- Not sure how to say this but I hate the fact that W is going back to her friend (OM's wife) and staying there for 10 days without the kids. Maybe nothing going on between them now but it just feels wrong and I want to let her know how it makes me feel.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2237831 - 04/14/12 04:05 AM Re: Turn the page [Re: ces67]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9294
Loc: Sonoran Desert
ces, every time I read your subject line 'turn the page' I hear Bob Seger:

But your thoughts will soon be wandering
The way they always do
When you're ridin' sixteen hours
And there's nothin' much to do
And you don't feel much like ridin',
You just wish the trip was through

As we sometimes wish this trip was through...
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

Top
#2237834 - 04/14/12 04:12 AM Re: Turn the page [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
You pegged it LB! That's exactly where it came from. One of my favorite songs. Maybe my next thread can be "Like a Rock"
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2237995 - 04/15/12 12:20 PM Re: Turn the page [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Morning all,

I'm gearing up for a conversation with my W tonight. In the spirit of not following cheeseless tunnels, my "back off and give space" approach over the last few months has left life in limbo. Something needs to happen. Maybe its for my own sanity but I truly feel that a conversation is needed for my M to move to a better place.

I've been going over in my head how to approach this and feel I've got a way that I'm confident in. I can't say "comfortable" because nothing about this is comfortable. But I'm confident my approach that deals with my feelings, an effort to be compassionate but also establishing my boundaries of what is and is not acceptable in a marriage.

I hope no one takes offense but I'm not planning on posting my ideas here before hand. Truth is you've all given me plenty of thoughts & suggestions thus far and I've just sat on them. If I post again, I'm afraid I'll get into a consensus situation and it will stall me again. I'm honestly concerned that I'll bail on the conversation again tonight. We'll see.

S went to bed not feeling the best. I'm sure my W will use it as a reason to keep him home and stay home herself from church. The pattern is so amazingly predictable. I checked on S13 at bedtime and he was not running a fever so we'll see. I'm about to go get them up.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2238004 - 04/15/12 01:25 PM Re: Turn the page [Re: ces67]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9294
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I'll be thinking of you, ces! You have really come such a long way in this process, you will do fine.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

Top
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