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Net,

Sounds like your making progress. I know how you feel about W. I bought up the talk of a MC since we previously went one and had success. While she has not said no she has not agreed. Hang in there!

SIW


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LA I know it is. Believe me I know. And before this forum this has been happening for over a year. The only difference is I'm working on myself and getting very close to asking for a D myself. I can't force my W to seek help. I can't force her to do anything. But I can't live my life like this. She doesn't see the pattern. She is in complete denial. It's actually quite sad. The only difference this month is i'm avoiding the situation completely.

Believe me I know what she will say next. That because I tried for some affection last week is why she feels this way now. I've been dealing with this UP/DOWN behavior for a very long time. I've talked to tons of married friends and they told me they can't believe my patience. There is nothing I can do but completely detach from her and move on completely. That is what I talk about when thinking about exit plan. I mean exit. Only way she will see that it is not me causing these ups and downs.

LA I'm not a dumb azz. I know where I was in January. I know where I was a year before in January.

She doesn't know it

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La this is why I don't post here anymore. You act like its impossible to have a W that has the issues I've mentioned. I'm thinking about filing for D myself now. I'm very emotional lately about this. She will never seek help and will always live in denial

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Originally Posted By: netmaster
La this is why I don't post here anymore. You act like its impossible to have a W that has the issues I've mentioned. I'm thinking about filing for D myself now. I'm very emotional lately about this. She will never seek help and will always live in denial


Net,

You talk in absolutes. Never, always, etc...

NOTHING is written in stone.

It isn't impossible that your W has these issues, for goodness sake, most women have SOME issues related to their cycle...we believe that there probably is a pattern to her moods...or at least that the possibility exists...

HOWEVER, while ideally it would be great for your W to do something about it, that isn't your choice. You can only deal with how YOU react to it. You can learn how to ignore it, you can learn how to put the brakes on if she starts talking what you believe to be nonsense, or you can cut and run.

Those are your choices.

Keeping playing the victim, laying all of the blame on her, isn't fair to either of you.

Ok so one week out of the month is hell. The rest aren't so bad. Maybe someday she will decide to try to change it for herself and those around her. Maybe not.

Only you can decide if it is something you want to try to work through. It is one of those "worse" things or "sickness" things that you took vows about.

Personally, I don't care that your M friends think you have tons of patience or that they don't deal with it, maybe they just don't have to deal with the severity of it that you do.

The question comes back to you though, what are you willing to tolerate in your life...



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Net, I agree with what Cat says above.

Those of us who have posted to you have tried to help you see and understand that you cannot change someone else. That's it in a nutshell.

You want to fix her, she doesn't want to be fixed.

Only you know what you can and cannot do.

But basing your relationship on the possibility of your wife changing is like pounding sand down a rathole.

I really do wish you well.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Thx Cat and LA. I know you guys do. I'm very frustrated. I KNOW I can't fix her. I do understand what you guys are saying. I'm doing my very best to avoid conflict this week as this passes. I completely get it. I'm working hard with my counselor to control my reactions to it. I'm actually doing good this week believe it or not considering how much time we spent as a family and then she pu the ebrakes on. I'm doing ok "stepping down" as my counselor would say.

I just went for a 16 mile bike ride. It helped.

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I marked on the calendar the 19th she would threaten me with D and selling house. Today is the 18th. I missed it by one day. I told her I'm ok with it. She don't even see it guys. I don't want her to feel trapped anymore. I set let me know time and place to mediate. I wish you guys could see the EXTREME switch in moods. Almost comical. Thanks for everything guys. I'm going to go into complete detach mode and back into boundary mode. Unavailable from this point out. She was so nasty to me at the house. It really was comical.

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Maybe in a couple of days, she'll reconsider?

Quick question for you Net, when your W goes off the deep end, how do you react? Do you sometimes find yourself feeding her rage, maybe with a look on your face or your body language?

I don't know what you do or how you act when she is in her crazy time but maybe you could consider setting a boundary with her regarding her behavior. Something like "W I know you are upset, but I won't be spoken to in that tone. I'm leaving or ending this discussion or whatever and we can talk again once you have calmed down." If you haven't tried this yet, maybe give it a shot.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
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It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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2thepoint yes I did feed her rage yesterday a little. Then I backed off realizing it is like trying to rationalize with a 2 year old. I did say I didn't appreciate being spoken to like that. Calling me fn ahole etc..I slipped up and said I couldn't keep doing this every month. Not sure if it was a slip up or how I felt. When she called me an fn ahole and every other name I just said sorry you feel that way and the same thing about the D threats. This is not just a "cycle" thing it is exactly how you describe it "RAGE". From high fives 3 days before to absolute "RAGE"

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If you knew the week of the 19th was going to be bad, why were you with her?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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