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#2237621 - 04/13/12 10:48 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ~ kd ~]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I'm pretty sure we have a relationship problem and a YOU problem. I'm working on the YOU part now with counselor. I get really anxious but mostly situational. I think I did what I did yesterday even know I knew the results because my W gives me so many mixed messages. She talks about going to vacation house this summer. She invites me to stuff on non kids weekend. She even changes in front of me again (never did this before). I had a weak moment man. I mean think about it I sit in a apartment alone almost everynight and haven't got any since Nov.

We do have a relationship problem too man. There are trust issues on both parts. You see. What H in any marriage or relationship would accept their W getting txt from several men. From the H's I talk to none. Zero. Zilch. My W thirnks it just fine that she gets txt from upward to 6 different guys. That to me is a relationship problem that needs addressing. Sorry its not normal. That is not about controlling her. That is about having respect for your spouse plain and simple. That is not about not trusting her. That is again in my opinion and others respect for your spouse. My good friend said its not normal and his W just wouldn't do it.

We have a relationship problem. We don't communicate. Even though I made suggestions in the past. Have say a monthly spouse meeting to see how things are going. She's not open to doing stuff like this. Even going to a person to talk. Not even a MC but someone to just mediate our thoughts.

Listen KD I am a good guy. I understand the mistakes I made in the past and I have learned from them. I mean the FB mistakes I haven't had an account in momths or haven't had something like that happen in 3 years.

I do have a YOU problem and I am working on them. But honestly when she is acting like this to me things are so much fun and better. We can get along. We have been for weeks. It takes effort on both ends. My effort every week doesn't change. I'M NOT SAYING IT IS ALL HER. It is me. Even last night I thought I did pretty good. I made that mistake but turned around and came right back and didn't mope. We had fun. We made jokes and laughed. I have a seriously YOU problem. I have anxiety so bad this morning. But I'm trying to breath through it.

I'm thinking about renewing my lease today for a year honestly. I don't want my W having me move back home for the kids only. I want her to want me as a person.

I do trust myself to be the H my wants to be. We hit a HUGE rough patch. You don't even know the husband I am actually. I am a pretty good husband now. Unfortunately I wasn't in the past. I also was an enabler. Every ache and pain she cried about I enabled her by being around to much at home. I'll take the kids. I'll do this. I'll do that. Sorry comes with my flexible business schedule.

We have so much work to do as a couple. I know I made a mistake yesterday. Maybe I am wrong. She was cool about it. She wasn't a jerk. I was cool about it and we still had a very good night. I mean KD she could have punched me and asked me to leave.

Listen I know I have lots of issues to work. Funny thing is so does my W. She admits it but doesn't work on them. That part scares me a little because I know I can't control that. I just pray she decides to one day.

If I could completely fix my anxiety and control issues of course I would be less frantic. Less intense. I'm still working on it. It is my nature man though. I run an advertising business. Think sales. I'm a manipulator. Always have been. Sometimes in bad ways and sometimes in ways to make me succeed.

I do think my W wants me to move back to be honest. I truly do. I think she is SCARED to death it will be like the old way. I do think she misses having my helping hands around. She knows how good I am like that now. She knows how good of father I am. I just think she doesn't want it like the old days.

Listen do more of what works right. Me and W are getting along right now. I slipped up and pursuit'd her.

I do know that you guys are right though. When I don't pursuit her and I'm not around seems to drive her crazy. But it also seemed to get her to book a L too. So yeah there is a balance. KD don't think I don't appreciate your feedback I do.

I do think my objective is to get back under the same roof and prove that I can be normal, trusting, and funny just like the guy she married. I know where I stand now with my W. So I know I need to still be a friend, a great father, and try to be less available. Let me tell you it is the most challenging thing ever. Even this weekend. Fri-Sun. All kids events and next week school vacation.

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#2237633 - 04/13/12 12:52 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Also I do believe this forum has saved my marriage up to this point honestly. Here is what I mean. all the threats of D and selling house. I handled them very well. I just listened and told her that was not the path I wanted to take for the family. Where I am failing is the pursuit part and not failing miserably. Just failing with the balance. Which everyone knows on this board how hard it is.

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#2237648 - 04/13/12 01:59 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
I have no problem believing you are a good guy.

Just something to consider here, that 25 often says to people...

IF you and your W somehow get through this and your M is saved...

What makes you think the M will be any different than it was, that the same problem won't show up again, in six months, a year... a few years...

Because you may notice, this site is also littered with posts of people who pulled off miracles, and in the middle of their turmoil, they reconciled and got back together... and disappeared... only to reappear a year or two later with the same problems...

Or they come back, being in a new R... and they again have the same problems showing up in their posts...

You are in a rush... and it might just work for your to save your M...

But... rather than telling me about what the counsellor and your are working on which may produce FUTURE results...

What about the practical stuff that is changing...

and will stick...??

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#2237662 - 04/13/12 02:57 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ~ kd ~]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
KD I've changed so much you don't even know. I understand your point. I know this is why she said "I'm not ready" . hell even I know i am not ready but as you said fell into the trap of checking the temp.

The W and I would have to do some serious heart to heart.

Practical stuff. I've learned alot from being separated. GAL being huge. I would do so much more of this being back home.

I almost envision keeping the separation schedule as is even married. If that makes sense. I have so many good ideas to restore and create a health marriage.

I'm hoping one day she will be open to hearing them.

I am getting to the core issues of my childhood stuff. It feels good to get this stuff out.

I look at this little pursuit as a positive. Most people on this board look at is as OMG. You idiot. It's how we both handled it. Its how I handled it and its how I told her it wont happen again. Now I have to hold my word. she truly was ok with it. I do know my W. If she wasn't ok with it she would have told me. It was a very respectful conversation actually. I told her I understood and she felt my sincerity.

Anyways. There is no science to DB really. Everybody's sit is different. DB is not cookie cutting. My W's personality is different from yours. Maybe she needs a balance of me being there, me being away, and pursuit and non pursuit.

Anyways. Counseling was good today and I know I will have a good weekend.

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#2237667 - 04/13/12 03:15 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
cat04 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/31/09
Posts: 2240
Originally Posted By: netmaster
I think I did what I did yesterday even know I knew the results because my W gives me so many mixed messages. She talks about going to vacation house this summer. She invites me to stuff on non kids weekend. She even changes in front of me again (never did this before). I had a weak moment man. I mean think about it I sit in a apartment alone almost everynight and haven't got any since Nov.


Really, you are going to put the responsibility for YOUR actions onto you W?

Come on Net, you know better than that.

The future talk, the changing in front of you, the invitations...are all positive things. Even the way she reacted to the attempt wasn't horrible. It could have been though.

Why would you attempt to sabatoge that with something you knew the results of prior to doing it simply because you haven't "gotten any" since November?

Take some personal responsibility and take care of your own physical needs for now.

Originally Posted By: Netmaster
But honestly when she is acting like this to me things are so much fun and better. We can get along. We have been for weeks. It takes effort on both ends. My effort every week doesn't change. I'M NOT SAYING IT IS ALL HER. It is me. Even last night I thought I did pretty good. I made that mistake but turned around and came right back and didn't mope. We had fun. We made jokes and laughed.


Again you ARE putting the responsibility for YOUR actions on her. You are saying you acted X because she acted Y. Which is a REACTION not and action.

Why couldn't you just be funny and whatnot regardless of how she is acting?

If she were sad and mopy, would you have joined her in the pity party?

Originally Posted By: Netmaster
I do trust myself to be the H my wants to be.


What about being the H that YOU want to be?

Do you have a clue what that looks like?

Can you describe it?


Originally Posted By: Netmaster
If I could completely fix my anxiety and control issues of course I would be less frantic. Less intense. I'm still working on it. It is my nature man though. I run an advertising business. Think sales. I'm a manipulator. Always have been.


Another excuse to not take responsibility for your behavior.

If you know it is part of your makeup, and it works well for your business, that is great.

However, if it is damaging in your personal life, then maybe you need to put some energy into learning how to only in a professional setting.

I know lots of sales people who are not necessarily manipulators, not anxious or controlling. They are simply good sales people.

Originally Posted By: Netmaster
I do think my W wants me to move back to be honest. I truly do. I think she is SCARED to death it will be like the old way. I do think she misses having my helping hands around. She knows how good I am like that now. She knows how good of father I am. I just think she doesn't want it like the old days.


STOP MINDREADING!!!!

She will tell you this stuff if that is what she wants.

Originally Posted By: Netmaster
I do think my objective is to get back under the same roof and prove that I can be normal, trusting, and funny just like the guy she married.


There, fixed that for you. smile

As far as the R issues, trust is the easiest thing to lose and the hardest thing to regain.

Communication is something that can be worked on even as your R stands right now, simply by talking, listening, validating, listening, not reacting, listening, not mindreading or assuming, listening...

Did I say listening? It is an art form that we all need to practice...
_________________________

"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox

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#2237669 - 04/13/12 03:30 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Hey Net,

I was just catching up on your sitch. Don't fret, I'm not going to get after you for goofing up, I did it myself earlier this week, it happens. The best we can do is learn from it and and make a concious choice to avoid repeating the same mistake.

I'm glad to hear that you are making some changes in you with your IC. Keep it going! From what you've shared, I think we have similiar backgrounds. I caught this from a post of yours a few pages back and wanted to address it:

Originally Posted By: netmaster
What are some tips to not let your W's mood dictate yours.


This is why GAL is so important. I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy, because I can only assume it's MUCH easier to do this with the help of a professional. Once you get a clear definition of Net, who Net is and what makes Net tick, the issue of having others dictate your moods will become a non-issue. When you become more self focused (not self-centered, that's a different thing) the emotional boundaries between yourself and others become very clear and it's easier to differentiate between the two. You'll become far less reactionary.

I'm not sure if I've articulated that very well. I hope that makes sense. If it does, I've just saved you what took me months and $thousands to figure out. grin
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2237743 - 04/13/12 09:04 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: cat04]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I didn't want to sabotage it. I had a weak moment. Very weak moment. Told her it wouldn't happen again. Now I need to hold my word and wait.

I'm working on being funny and myself no matter what her mood. Takes time. Part of detaching. Getting there slowly.

The husband I want to be now. Compassionate. Good listener (very tough) HONEST. Trustworthy. Good provider. Good values. I know what I want in a marriage now. I hope I can have it with her.

I'm working on my anxiety every week. Making progress..

I'm trying to be less reactive and less projecting. It is amazingly difficult for me. But I'm learnign my triggers weekly. I'm excited to be working on myself not matter what the outcome.

I am confident this marriage can be saved. I see my W acting and doing different things. Like a conscious effort. I just need to be more patient and less horny lol (kidding sort of)

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#2237748 - 04/13/12 09:58 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11163
I didn't want to sabotage it. I had a weak moment. Very weak moment.

Why do you keep beating yourself over this? It wasn't a "weak" moment. It was a moment. Deal with it and move on. Shrug it off. She's still your W and you impulsively went for it.

"Told her it wouldn't happen again."

Never say anything with finality like that. You just shot down your own chances in your mind. Again, just shrug things like that off. You could've turned it around into something a little more offhanded so that it wasn't a big deal. Put some of that humor of yours back into your personality.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2237803 - 04/14/12 01:02 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: MrBond]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Mr b cuz everyone tells me not to pursue. I did put some humour into. Said it must have been those black pants

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#2237808 - 04/14/12 01:24 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 8 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
but thanks for the tip on finality. That makes sense now in hindsight lol

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