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25--Thank you so much for giving me that exercise to do!

I envision myself just smiling and happy. I envision myself with kids and a loving husband who feels he is blessed to be with a wonderful woman (faceless husband right now...haha...wish it was my current H). (This is something I was hoping would start this year.)

I envision myself fit and active...enjoying more outdoor things. This is something I can start to do now...I have the best figure that I have had since I was 18, so that's a start!! (smaller than I've been...due to stress!)

I do want to take a cooking class and learn Spanish. My school network is going to offer Rosetta Stone to teachers and parents, so that is something that I am going to look into this summer!

As for career, I love teaching, so I just envision myself continuing with education and possibly getting my National Certification so that I can teach in any state. I can't start that process until I have a couple more years of teaching.

I envision myself surrounded by my amazing network of friends that have been helping me through this process. I do want to travel more and hope to have people to do it with.

Although it was a good exercise, it also made me cry because it does hurt so bad because I miss my H so much and could still see him in my future and it hurts that he does not see me in mine!

I will look into taking a cooking class, possibly on the weekends, and hanging out with friends...maybe run a marathon...although I do hate running, so maybe that's a far fetch! haha

1 week strong of going dark....


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Congrats on the one week of NC!

Well done!. For the most part, it does get easier...

Uh, hey, please don't skip over the first part of that post..

the part that says "your h has a pattern"...it's not an aberration in his behavior but a continuation of it...

maybe he sees conflict, or simply feels bored, and He jumps ship...

He isn't keen on changing. He may never change.

So when you envisioned yourself happy, my guess is

that it was with a h who values you above all others

and about whom you have NO doubts..
.that's a good feeling.

You deserve it. Way to go on the GAL stuff for this summer b/c it

Sounds like you have a great summer planned. grin

(HEY- it gets better)


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 2,502
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I will second what 25 says about thinking hard about H's behavior pattern. Your mind and body are making you want him right now simply because he is out of reach. If he comes back and resumes this pattern of cyclically checking out, things will be very difficult for you once kids are involved.

For my part, my vision of reconciliation was that we would both work hard on improving our marriage, after the hell I went through, I really wanted to come out better for it. W does not share that goal with me, so to some degree the limbo continues. Remember that the Hollywood vision of the wayward spouse crawling back with tears in their eyes and apologies to offer is fictional. You and H arrived at an equilibrium in your marriage for a reason, and that "place" will always have a strong pull.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Accuray makes a very good point

My exercise for you was for you to imagine life with your h, but w/you being happy. You did a pretty good job of that!

If you want to do the same exercise for you WITH your h, then be realistic about what it would take. You'd have to insert a few TOOLS that you don't yet have.

You went down this road before and when you two "worked it out"---
you didn't.

You withheld affection b/c there was no trust

and he felt he was trying to earn it back and I'd bet there was no clear road map for either of you to figure out what it would take to avoid this pattern from continuing...

but it IS continuing. So you'd need a roadmap to a new better marriage.

Since he's NOT interested in that right now, all you can do is appear open and warm BUT detached AND moving forward (so he really fears losing you) and

has the space to examine his choices, which he will NOT do if you challenge the choice. No more pursuit. You can be receptive to his outreach, without pursuing him.


What would it take for you to feel safe with this man? Is it realistic that he'd do what it would take? Would you do the work to forgive him then?

(BTW you can forgive him NOW without him doing a darn thing...why? B/c the anger consumes you...)


This was a real issue for me. I didn't not believe my h "deserved" forgiveness and he sure had not asked for it.

But I noticed I was SO angry at him for the injustice of it all and his selfishness, ETC

that I was not doing well at work and more importantly, I was not really there for my kids. Too preoccupied with my pain and loss.

It was ME that was miserable, and probably my kids/co-workers. Endless questions like "WHY is he doing this? When is he going to wake up? HOW can he do this????? "

are all Unanswerable, useless questions, that hinder our progress.


When that hit me, I realized no matter what h did or whether we reconciled

I could NOT keep on staying in my anger/victim mode. It was not helping ME or our m, and it sure wasn't hurting h.


(Remember, "holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes.")---so let it go, for YOU.


If you can't feel safe w/him, but you "reconcile", and do not get the tools needed for that, then the whole "re-build trust/withhold sex/affection cycle will go on too. If you do approach piecing I'd suggest you attend Retrovaille which is a retreat for marriages in trouble. My h and I went and like most couples, we got a lot out of it. More than I expected or even hoped for. It was the first time I felt my h "GOT" it and that helped me feel safe with him again. That's huge.


In your sitch, while I usually don't think re-hashing the past helps
since there is a pattern, maybe a little would not hurt.

Your h MAY have felt like he didn't know how many more laps he'd have to swim before he'd be embraced by you again...

and You did not know how to forgive & let go of the anger, and embrace b/c you two did not get to the core of this.

I doubt He "got" that what he'd done was very dangerous & hurtful AND a warning...

he only knew he did not want to lose you....until the next time he wants something/someone else or gets bored or a bit down or whatever...

So come up with 2 visions. Both have to be achievable, at least in theory.

You only control you...but if you want to be with THIS man

May I assume you don't mean this man as he is now...?

Okay then...there is not a lot you can do about this^^ b/c he has Not changed.

Thus far, all signs point to him NOT changing anytime soon...

So vision #1 for being with him is----IF & when he does the work it'll take to earn your trust again, THEN you assess. We'll support that.

MEANWHILE you work on YOU. Letting go of what/who you cannot control

will lead you to greater happiness in your life. Seriously...

#2 Then envision life without your h, as you did before...a good loving life...and begin to create THAT.

IF your h sees you moving forward in your life and GAL and being upbeat, it's hard not to be attracted to that. AND

It'll counter his negative unforgiving images of you and undermine his reasons for leaving you...which you want.


If he does NOT do the work HE needs to do, you will still be better off b/c you will have moved to a more fulfilling, happier life, that much sooner.


If he DOES do all the work, you'll have wasted no time pining for him
AND,imo
you will probably have speeded up his awakening process.

The sooner YOU get that the LBS moving forward & being happy actually can trigger work in the WAS, the better.

It never delays the work of the WAS
...

and if he never grows out of this, you'll be in your new life that much faster anyhow.


IOW, your course of action in the immediate future is the same regardless of what he does.


Make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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PS


HP, about 2 weeks ago you wrote this:

"No, this is not what I want. More than anything, I want my H home with me...the man that he was a few short months ago. However, he is no longer that person. He has changed so much and does not want me in his life. Even if he did decide one day before the divorce is finalized, I don't think I could ever trust him again." (emphasis mine).

You don't know what the future holds. So what do you "know"?

You "know" that's he not the man he was, at this time. No evidence of that changing soon, if ever.

So you Plan accordingly, meaning, assume he will not be the man you want BUT that you will be happy anyhow (hence the vision exercise)

and then, IF he does the work to change and wants a reconciliation, you'll be coming from a place of strength, not want or fear or loneliness...

Okay? So take care of YOU now, and know and trust that this WILL improve.

Are you a woman of faith?

Assuming yes, lean on HIM b/c He can handle our baggage when we cannot.

try turning over your anger and your marriage, over to God.

I found that thinking "God, I turn my marriage/pain/anger over to You", and then saying it out loud, in the shower so the kids didn't hear,

and hearing the words, all helped it sink in. It really helped give me a sense of peace. But sure, I had to say it MANY times...per day...

So Let it rest in His hands and let Him help you work on healing your wounds and creating a new life of fulfillment.

(((( ))))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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You don't have to be religious to do that exercise, you can just say "I surrender to my situation, because I cannot control it". That can have the same calming influence -- or maybe it's not the same, I wouldn't know since I'm not that religious! In either case, the surrendering really helped me. It was written about at length in the book "Mindful Loving" which had some good nuggets in there amid a bunch of new-age stuff that was more difficult to digest.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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25 and Accuray--Thank you sooo sooo much! Your words are inspiring and it is great to hear from people who have been through this and made it to the other side.

I do see myself improving daily. I do not cry as much and the mornings are not as bad as they used to be.

I am going to look over your posts more thoroughly and try those exercises tonight and daily!!!

I am not a completely religious person, but my mom has also stated the same thing to me and I'm trying ANYTHING at this point. I don't want to give up on us and our marriage, just yet....well at least not today! I believe you posted something to me 25 about 'today not being the day' to give up just yet!

I have, however, been thinking why does He have two people fall in love, get married, have a great life, and then hurt the other one so badly. I feel as if I was strong before this situation and didn't need this situation to make me stronger frown But then, again, does anyone????

OMG...Today is the 2 month mark of since he left...can't even believe it! I can't believe how much has changed in 2 short months...crazy!!

Question...when I hit my threshold and feel as if I have tried everything, but Retrovaille...do I ask and suggest that to him as one final try??


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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If you have nothing to lose, why not? I haven't done R-vaille but many folks have said it was very helpful, although at least one person on this board saw no change in WAS' attitude afterwards. I would just go in with the expectation that it may not change anything for H.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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When I envision my H is my future, I see us happy with children and just acting like the best friends we were a few short months ago. I know it is going to take HUGE amounts of work, but I am willing to do that to save my marriage.

When this minor stint happened last time, you are right I did NOT have all the tools. We went to MC and the MC pretty much told my H that he needed to figure out what was making him so unhappy with himself and that there were no 'real' marriage issues, because at the time, he/we could come up with nothing.

I should have DEFINITELY gone into counseling to work through my trust issues, but I chose not to do that and I do regret that frown

As for my H, I did say this past year at the beginning after it all happened that we did need to get to the root of what happened and why it happened so that it did not happen again. All he came up with was that he went crazy and his world was spinning out of control. Then, when he decided he wanted back into our R, my birthday came shortly after our piecing began and he gave me a card that stated "I was the only one for him and it always has been me..."

I look back at that card and think how much has happened in a year!!!

So..continuing my vision...I see us going through counseling individually and then together. I see us smiling, laughing, and holding each other like we used to when he would leave for deployments. I see us reconciling things between our families (making the whole in-law thing work better). I just see us happy and complete!!!

I see myself cooking more for him and possibly getting into a hobby like running together or hiking and definitely travelling more. I can start the running and cooking thing now...

As for now, I am starting to let go of more and more anger. I do not think about what he is doing every minute of the day. I am trying to keep myself busy. I also think about how I am going to act when I see him next...I am going to be happy and my normal bubbly self.

I am going to show him the loving, amazing person that I am (It drives me NUTS that everyone else can see this right now, but he can't...even people that have known me for as little as three months.) I have this work friend who I went to lunch the other day with. He said "I can't believe your husband...does he really know what he is giving up?" It hurts me to know that he doesn't...but I am going to try to let go of that.

I feel that I have come a long way in 8 weeks...I wish I would have done better at times sooner, but 8 weeks isn't too bad, right?? I do need to start to see an IC to start working through my own trust issues that will most likely resurface if our M works out or even in another relationship.

And Accuray, I do still imagine the movie reconciliation reunion...because I am a hopeless romantic at times. I do wish that real life was like that...haha!

Thank you both for your kind and thorough responses. You are two people that keep me going in this DB when most of my friends and family want me to drop him, because I deserve more. I want to give it my all and have no regrets if I do decide to end the marriage.

My mom thinks that me waiting to file for D is going to make him more mad and then he will eventually file...I don't really see this as the case, but then again, I do not know the man that I see or interact with.


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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Posts: 283
I just found out that my H did find an apt...I'm not sure how long he signed the lease because I found out from a mutual friend. I knew he was doing it, but now that it's for sure, my heart is broken again!

This doesn't really change things, but it really looks as if he's moving forward without me! And, he didn't even call to get the furniture from the spare bedroom that he wanted so badly and the rest of his stuff...who knows?!?!

Well, off to tan and get some food!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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