I texted my h tonight to verify the time for tomorrow to meet for the quit deed. He verified the time and said it took him so long ti text back because he was sleeping. I said that's okay and that he would now be up all night and jokingly said you should party hardy. He said no that he would probably just watch a move and go back to sleep. I said well enjoy your movie and ill see you tomorrow.
I just want to watch the movie with him more than anything but I know he is so far from that. I am nervous about doing the quit deed tomorrow because it is more of a sign that this is going towards being over. I'm not completely willing to give him up yet but I don't know what else to do...
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
I wish I had the answers. I am so scared for the day that I might have to face this. I do agree with Yankee, though, that you should definitely take more time to think about filing. Rushing it in the heat of the moment because you're feeling hurt may only feel good for a moment because you think you now have direction, but you may end up making a decision for him that he may still be on the fence about.
The way I see it, if you still believe in the two of you... then keep believing. There is nothing wrong with wanting to save your M. And as for the trust issues, those things will most definitely take time but can most definitely be resolved. There will be a lot of effort that will need to be given from your H but don't give up hope that you will never trust him again.
I've had to read DR several times recently to help me keep things in perspective, along with reviewing my thread as well. I know he is somewhat forcing you into a negative situation with the way the finances are going but you just never know... something may happen that will jolt everything he thinks he wants and he may suddenly start to shift his way of thinking about your R.
Keep up your DBing even though it is hard. If anything, you'll know that you tried everything you could.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Not sure what the rush to getting a divorce is? The way I see it is about ego, who is right?
I totally agree Rick. When someone is rushing to do something like D, there is something else behind it. Ego. And EA. Or not wanting to experience hurt and pain (which of course is understandable). But there are also a lot of lessons you could pass by as well, lessons that could help to ensure your next R doesn't end up in the same predicament.
My H went into the idea of D with all guns blazing - most likely an EA/OW behind it all. I have no proof, but gut instinct and experience tell me so.
At one point two years ago, I too did exactly the same thing - rushing towards D, because there was an EA behind my motivation. Looking back now, I am so glad there were obstacles in the way and that eventually I saw some sense in what I was doing. My H will soon see sense in his too. (there is clearly a lot of repair that's going to have to happen between us).
So, slow things down a bit H&P, it's only for your benefit - and it will become clear to you as time goes on.
I texted my h tonight to verify the time for tomorrow to meet for the quit deed.
What is a 'quit deed'? If it is what I think, it's basically an act of separating the property - is that right?
Why on earth are you calling him to verify the time and date for that if it is not what you want to do ultimately?
Let him chase you down, not the other way round. And, when he chases you, be ever so graceful about talking about it, but never outright agree. In fact, I've had to tell my own H, "I understand that this is what you want, but it is not something I want, so somehow we will have to compromise on things."
Stand your ground.
He will give you the 'you're trying to control me' line and WHO CARES!! So let him say what he likes. You need to act on your own behalf and for what you want at this point. Let him do all the legwork and convincing - but at the moment you are NOT buying what he is selling.
You might want to think of him as a vacuum cleaner salesman at the moment.
He is clearly the one wanting the divorce - not you. So, delay on that one as well in every way possible (you have doctor's appointments, you are so busy these days you can only make it at the end of the month - that sort of thing.) You need to buy some time here not only for your sake but for him as well (only he doesn't know it yet). 4 months is just not long enough - make it go for at least 8 months (1 month for every year you've been together).
Let him go find his lawyer, but make him be the one to serve you papers, make him do all the legwork. Every action that he takes, he will think about it long and hard. Every obstacle he has to overcome, he will have to use his BRAIN (not his penis) to figure out. You will be inadvertently snapping him out of his fog.
He may still take those actions, but at least the effort that he will need to put in will make him think every single time he makes a move.
And, whatever you do - be ever so gracious towards him, and continue to work on your own wants and needs and values and your 180's. You will give your M therefore the best chance of surviving, and your wellbeing a chance to flourish.
A part of me says yes this is what I want to do because I don't know if I can trust again after a PA and all the deception.
I know I should have patience...but in the 8 weeks of separation things have only become worse and more involved with this OW and she is married too. He says they are supposedly done dating for now, but he never knows what the future holds with them.
You should read "Not Just friends". There is a case study in there of EXACTLY this sort of situation. Two married people having an EA/affair.
It will give you some good insight, and help you plan your strategy more.
Sorry to constantly be commenting - but why do you think they supposedly stopped dating?
I would like to guess it was her who stopped the rendezvous. She got cold feet or her H started to sniff it out.
So, she left him, he's at home watching movies alone, sleeping late - yeah - signs of feeling low and rejected. Yet, he hangs on to some hope that she might return.
She might, she might not. He'll get sick of the fantasy at some point.
You're obviously still conflicted. As others have suggested, I wouldn't rush to do anything. Give yourself a month and see how you're feeling.
H right now is intoxicated with OW, he has blinders on and isn't seeing reality. There is actually a chemical reaction in the brain that clouds our thinking and blocks critical judgement when we are feeling "in love" or infatuated. It's an evolutionary mechanism to get us to drop our guard and let people in for the purpose of continuing the species.
Therefore, he is not "himself" right now, far from it. This is temporary, it lasts from weeks to months and then it wears off. For affairs, it seems to go 4-6 months before people emerge from the haze. What that means is that you may not get introspection or any type of "what am I doing?" type thoughts on H's part during this period. Instead, you're likely to find him convincing himself that what he's doing is right, that he is righteous, and that all this is somehow your fault because of prior actions either real or imagined -- and he's looking to reinforce that belief based on what you do now. He's dying to manipulate you into doing and saying things that will reinforce that he's making the right choice.
When you GAL, 180, act-as-if you derail their expectations, don't play into their script, and the resulting confusion can accelerate their moment of clarity and critical thinking. That's not to say they'll just decide to come back when that point arrives, but that's the point where you can *start* to make progress. Until that point, all you can do is tread water.
What I can tell you is that your H is still in there somewhere, and you *can* forgive him for what he's done and trust him again if you choose to. The path to getting there is long and painful, and requires a huge commitment on your part. It may not be worth it to you when you do your deep soul-searching, but maybe it is -- only you know that.
In terms of the property separation, whatever you do can be undone later, so I wouldn't worry to much about any of it being final. Same thing with divorce really, you can always get remarried, so these milestones aren't really meaningful in themselves, they only carry the meaning that you attach to them.
Unfortunately, stonewalling can play into the WAS script that you are the bad person. If you block their plans, you're not giving them the space they want. Generally you don't want to help them, you want them to make all the plans, set all the appointments, etc., but if they do that, I wouldn't play games like not showing up. You should definitely have your own lawyer and make sure what you're entitled to and that you are protected. At that point, however, I don't believe you're helping yourself or the situatoin by intentionally derailing H's train.
What's the situation on the house? Is there a mortgage? If H surrenders the deed to you he is also handing over the mortgage. You might want to push for some level of financial support at the same time so that the payments aren't a huge burdon.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
The only thing I would say Accuray - I agree that one should not stonewall at all - but don't go giving them everything on a silver platter either - a few things sure - things that are not important to one's self. However, property is pretty big.
There's a fine line that needs to be found, and I'm not so sure it's an easy one to find. For that reason, H&P needs to know in her own heart and mind where she stands and what she wants and whilst not exactly getting in his way, obstacles and delays are no bad thing.
I think he stopped dating because that is what he told me...that I believe him. The other H knows everything also, but is trying to work on his M while they still continue to talk and meet up.
I do not want to rush into anything either. i guess I'll get the information and know where I stand legally.
The quit deed is him giving me all rights to our house. This is something that I want..that is why I'm meeting up with him. Even if we end up together and the house is solely in my name...that doesn't matter in the long run.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
