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Well, he responded to the email, sort of. But not to the information about the boat.

He simply said his friend was in town and could he call me to come and get his rifle out of the cabinet. That's it. Doesn't seem to care a wink about vermin in the boat.

Every email he sends me these days (not that there's many) opens with "sorry to bother you." Can someone give me some insight as to what is up with that? Drives me nuts.

Thanks 4MF, for your reply. I don't know if H has a diagnosable personality disorder. He certainly is passive aggressive, but that is a behavior not a disorder. He has admitted to stuffing things down and he's clearly a conflict avoider. He's told me absolutely nothing about his past. Big gaping black hole. That's an issue. I used to think his mother was awesome, but now I see that she bought him out of his marriage for $25k to pay off his vehicle. Clearly there's a deep-seated problem there. But diagnosable PD...who knows?

It's interesting that his first marriage twenty years ago lasted only two years. Apparently he came back after about a year saying he made a mistake, but she had borne his child so it's very different.

I've been reading about "mirage men" lately. These men fall "in love" quickly, assume their object's interests and seek approval through their words and actions. As the relationship progresses and they realize there's no common interests they resign themselves to their situation, and then they become resentful that, in their opinion, they have been subsumed by their partner. The punch line in all of this is that the MO behind this is an unwillingness to be their authentic selves and a profound avoidance of true intimacy. Alot of this is my husband, especially the true intimacy part. He said he loved me at week three. Yeah, BS I thought at the time. But I saw the common interests so stuck it out. That's the difference between my marriage and the typical "mirage relationship" - we have many things in common, the true basis of something real.

So annyoing.


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
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So I just got the call from H's friend who wants to pick up his rifle. We had a great chat. He only found out yesterday that H and I are separated.

I asked him if H told him what happened, and he said no, that he simply said "we're not together anymore" and skipped right over it to the next topic of conversation. I did not tell the friend about the affair, but I did say that he just walked out, that I never had a chance. He said it was was "unf'ing believable" and that he's shocked. I told him I was glad to hear that because it's the first time I've heard it from a friend of H's. The person H stayed with initially alluded to this, but I haven't talked to the others at all.

The friend hasn't talked to H is quite a while, but he said that every time they spoke, H said things were great, going really well. H was happy. He said that with me, H really turned things around and had a great life. The friend can't believe H has walked away from everything. I told him I love my husband, but what are you going to do? You have to move forward. We agreed that whatever is going on with H is pretty deep for him to have abandoned his life this way.

I didn't get upset or dwell on anything. We mostly talked about friend's life. I congratulated him on his new work and we talked about his family. I said it was fantastic the way his life has become everything he ever wanted it to be.

Don't know if this conversation will get back to H or not, but I guess it doesn't matter because in essence I am done. I can't remain in a self-imposed limbo.

But I will continue to be the person I want to be and am at my core - loving, strong, supportive, optimistic, generous, independent and very, very happy.


me 45
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H's friend came by to get his rifle today. He dropped by H's workplace, where he used to work, to get the key to the gun locker. H just came out, handed it to him, said to leave it here, and left. That's it. Friend is still shaking his head. He talked to some of the co-workers but H stayed away.

Friend told me today that when they talked earlier in the week H avoided all questions about the breakup. Just quickly changed the subject.

Friend doesn't understand it, moreso now that he's seen our house. He said that this is everything H said he ever wanted. We wondered whether H is depressed. Who knows.

Anyway, H's friend said next time he and his family are in the area (they have friends near here) they'll pop in to see how I'm doing. This brings me comfort because it confirms my position that H has lost his mind. Not that I want him to lose his mind, but you know what I mean....


me 45
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M 2.5
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OW Sept 8 2011
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GWN,

If your H is having a MLC he is most likely depressed. Did you notice him being depressed or acting differently before ow or BD? Depression permeates all stages of MLC. However, you may see a temporary lifting of it in the beginning of the R with ow. That is due to the 'love' hormones circulating in their brain.

When the MLCer realizes their problems follow them no matter how fast they run or who they're with, the depression is still there.

Until and unless he faces the issues within and deals with them, he will remain in the tunnel.

GWN, I took a break while writing a reply to your above post. I went back to read up on your sitch. I have a question. From how you describe your H when you met, I was wondering if he was in the beginnings of MLC then? Just some of his actions during your courtship and M seem suspect. I know that it doesn't really matter. Just understanding helps me cope and I know there are others like me.

You are doing well. Take care.

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Thanks for chiming in, Seeking.

I really do wonder if he was in the beginnings of MLC when we first met, and think he probably was. My therapist even said that it sounds like whatever he's going through was interrupted. I've only seen this person once, so we haven't unwrapped everything yet, but I will share my insight as it comes.

Of course, I only really read up on MLC after the break up so I would have had no idea about it if it fell from the sky and landed on me...which it sort of did! H's wall is very, very thick. He lets nobody in. Even his best friend has said that there's a side of H he doesn't know. They've known each other for more than 20 years.

I believe H is most definitely depressed, and that he probably has been for quite some time. It's almost like as long as there was something to distract him from it he was OK, but as soon as things settled into routine he'd lose it again. Once we moved to the country there was no distraction of buying a house, planning trips, planning a wedding, selling a house, buying a house. It was all about building our life. Even though he had everything he ever talked about wanting, he bolted.

If you read my entire history here, you'll know that there's some pretty deep and complicated stuff going on with H. He's not like a lot of the spouses here who were truly intimate with their spouses at some point. H could never, ever open up...I simply trusted that he was committed, as we all do I suppose, but normally there is a closeness that is tangible and not simply implied.

Seeking, I would love to know which actions you feel are suspect. I'm certain I would agree with you but would love an outside perspective. And I hear you. Understanding helps me cope too. I should go back and read all my posts, but I'm not ready yet. I'm a little scared because I will probably realize it was all a sham.


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Should mention that last time I saw H and he, with tears in his eyes, said all he wanted was to be forgiven, he also said that he's dealing with his issues. He believes that they stem from a lack of confidence because of his dyslexia. I said I think they're deeper than that, but he disagreed so I said OK. Wasn't going to have that argument with him.

Maybe that's progress, but there is absolutely no way you make the choices that he has because of lack of confidence. He's holding something back in a major way. I wonder if something happened to him as a child. But I'd never know because he never, ever, ever talked about his past. As I've said before, gaping black hole.


me 45
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M 2.5
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Threw him out Sept 8 2011
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Hi Greatwhitenorth,

A lot of your situation resonates with me.

4 years ago when my W had an affair she told her mother and sister and 2 close friends of hers and that was it. A lot of justification aimed at demeaning me, which did not work with mother and sister as they knew both me, and us as a couple. The close friends who did not know me were used to validate her justifications and provide reinforcement for her actions. A 42 year old mother of two was going to abandon her family (2 sons 12 and 14) to start a new family with a penniless guy 12 years younger in the boondocks of Asia. At the time she wanted the quickest possible divorce and quickly change her religion so she could marry and start her new family. Years after the event she said she did it because she was 'unhappy'. The problem is they shift the blame for their unhappiness on to you the loving innocent spouse. They do not look at the real causes until they have lost everything.

We have now been separated 4 months. I get apologetic emails about her behavior in our marriage. I get emails saying 'would it be too cheeky to ask.....', I get phone calls 'sorry to bother you....'

W is now in counselling and admits she has self-esteem issues, which are understandable, but she was always, superior aloof and condescending towards me in our marriage.

She seems strong enough with other people but with me she seems on the edge of tears.

I now know she has been acting out the effects of her childhood issues and projecting her feelings onto me, in fact making me feel her anger and depression.

The calmness I saw for so many years from someone who liked to give the impression she could deal with anything, and had dealt with everything was very probably false-self hiding some huge issues. Her lack of emotion was just a huge effort in self control, and splitting off of all the toxic stuff from her past.

She rarely talks or talked about her childhood or her childhood friends (of which she appears to have none) so another 'gaping black hole'.

Self-esteem is an issue or my W for sure but it is just the tip of the iceberg in my opinion, in fact I recommend this link for anybody who might want some insight into childhood issues:

http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/abandonment.htm

I too have a feeling that my W was somehow seriously abused in childhood, just a gut feeling or instinct at the far recesses of my mind!

From the very start of our relationship somewhere in my brain/mind I have had so many instinctual messages saying 'something is not right here'.

Sorry GWN I think I just hijacked your thread!!

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Hey GWN and 4myfamily! The l got cut off your link. Here it is:

http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/abandonment.html


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
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Wow 4 myfamily, this makes perfect sense to me! My W displays almost the exact behaviors you describe, only MIL apparently supports her decision (a person who W has had major problems with in the past).

MIL descibed FIL as someone who worked a lot (farmer) and MIL descirbes herself as a bad Mom frequently, something that W has feared she would become when D1 was born.

W also has started messages to me as "sorry to bother you".. etc. and is nice if she gets what she wants, otherwise is downright mean and tries to make me out to be the bad guy if I stand up for myself or execrise any kind of self respecting behavior.

W also eluded to possibly some sexual abuse in the past, but can't remember what it is/what happened. I was very supportive of this when we were together.

I look at my own faults of not setting better boundaries and letting her walk all over me and I did not share my true feelings when i felt taken advantage of for fear of losing her.

The iceberg analogy is very true and I see this a lot in my profession. I just never wanted to compare W to it, but we all go through some sort of it.

I am trying to be calm, cool, and fair through out this ordeal, but am now seeing when W wants an inch, she will take a mile.

I am afraid of looking like the bad guy so i let her.


I guess my fear of assertiveness is something I need to explore.


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Hi All

Just back from a fantastic week on a beach with a couple of friends and family. The star of the show was my two year old neice. Everybody loved her and she was an awesome traveller. She lives about 600k from me so spending a week with her was a real treat. We went to a resort that H and I used to go to, which was easier than I thought it would be. People asked about him, and I simply said we're separated and that was it. Good time all in all!

So just now I was going through the phone (numbers are programed) to call my parents and for whatever reason ended up calling H. He picked up and I said "who's this?" because it didn't sound like my dad. It was kind of funny...on my end anyway. He's on his way home from the funeral of his uncle.

We chatted for a few minutes. All very civil as usual. I decided to take a DB 180 risk (for me...I've been pitch black) and ask him if he wanted to stop in for a coffee since he's driving right by. After a pause he said "yes, I would actually." He'll be here in a couple of hours.

I read a quote my sister has on her website. Love it, and it's great words to live by: "Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you never know who would love the person you hide."

H and others who live inside brick walls, so to speak, could learn a lot from that.

No expectations, but wish me luck, everybody.

Happy Easter!!


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
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