I'll start with saying I'm doing fantastic!! There is much to say about detaching, and it truly is the single most important thing you can do for yourself, provided you truly do it. It's hard at first, but when you get there it's awesome. It lends you an entirely new perspective on your situation. I will also say I am truly happier than I've been in years and am full of optimism, even if the face of potentially losing my job. I feel strong and clear minded.
I haven't engaged with H on a meaningful level in quite some time. There was some minor conversation when he came to some of this things, which included a hug and kiss on the forehead. After that I asked him to please get rid of the phone and satellite...they're in his name and I don't have authority to make changes. A week later when it still wasn't done I emailed him again and he took action. Because there were some details that whould have taken several emails to sort out, I called him. First time I'd dialed his number since he got a cell back in September. He was odd on the phone...no pleasantries at all, I suspect because I'd never called before. We got it all sorted and that was it.
In the 3-4 weeks since then I've heard from his daughter several times to tell me the important things in her life. We don't discuss her dad. Our relationship is good.
So today I'm sitting in the backyard enjoying the absolutely gorgeous hot and sunny day with some friends who were over for a bbq when the phone rang. It was H. I didn't answer.
I had been out for lunch with a different friend yesterday in a small town close to here and the server was the wife of the good friend of H who took our wedding photos. We had a really nice catch up. H's name didn't come up. At the end she said she was amazed at how strong I am and how well I'm doing. I'm sure word of this encounter got back to H....hence the phone call.
So I let the machine pick the call up. Apparently H needs to talk to me about "minor heart surgery. I'm not dying or anything but I might need to have surgery to repair a hole between the right and left atrium. Can you please call me Monday or Tuesday night."
So what is going on here? I know it's not really important WHY he needs to talk to me and trying to figure out what he's thinking is a fool's game. The important thing is HOW do I handle the conversation? My friends advised that I hear him out, wish him well, but tell him I don't play that role anymore. That feels so cruel, but it's true.
Those of you who have read my thread might remember that this has happened before. First it was the stroke clinic. No stroke. Then it was the skin cancer. Don't know how that turned out but I guess nothing. Now a hole in his heart, which appears to be real and not a fantasy of his. You might also remember that his father was sick his entire life...skin cancer, epilepsy, heart disease, kidney disease, kidney transplant, and ultimately died of a brain tumor brought on by anti-rejection drugs. I believe this is significant.
Snodderly, I know you'll have some great advice. I would LOVE to hear from others too as I want to be sure I handle this really, really well. As sD said, it's hard to see someone with so much potential screw up so bad.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
GWN, Return his call Tuesday evening. Listen to what he has to say and then wish him luck on his surgery...nothing more. If he attempts to engage you into small talk about what you are doing or with whom, just cut the conversation short and tell him that you have someone at the door and hangup. The less he knows about what you are doing, the better. Let him stew.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
GWN, I assume that he is still with OW. Well, she is there to provide the emotional support that's necessary during this time.
I had a dilemma w/X. He was very very ill and I considered whether to visit him in the hospital. We were divorced and I had started to see someone else. I ultimately decided against it because I felt my presence just would be upsetting and detrimental to his healing. OW had taken off. Guess it got real.
I would agree with what your friends say. Be kind, be sympathetic, but don't keep the conversation going for a long time.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Hi GWN, nice to hear you're doing well. Detachment and GAL really is awesome.
I'm not sure if you should call your WAH back. As the others said, he has OW to see to his emotional and physical needs. However, if you feel you need to call for old times sake, then do so, but keep it short. Wish him luck with his op, and hope he heals quickly.
Well, that's muh thoughts.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BM, I actually thought about not calling him back but then wonder if this is his way of reaching out. Or maybe it's just the checking-in thing that they do. There hasn't been a lot of animosity between us, so to ignore his request would probably be construed as nasty.
As for OW...I don't know if she's still around or not. H's D says he told her they're finished, but I don't want to assume that's true. Plus, he hasn't said it to me. I say nothing when she mentions this and have no intention of bringing it up with him unless he wants to reconcile. In all honesty I can't see him wanting to be involved in a new relationship with this going on. He's probably almost completely overwhelmed and shut down.
I really have no idea why he feels the need to tell me about this but like so many am playing the guessing game, all the while repeating to myself "I won't get sucked in. I won't get sucked in."
I did read up on atrial septal defect and it's congenital and is repaired, if necessary, with surgery. The mortality rate is zero, but the whole surgery thing sounds pretty intense. I don't know if he knew about this before but didn't bother to tell me or if it's a new discovery. In mild cases there are often no symptoms until adulthood.
I think he's contacting me because he's scared. Apart from the boat loan (and I might still be beneficiary on his investments), our lives are no longer intertwined so there's no reason I need to be told. I certainly wouldn't tell him if I were sick. The only reason I might consider it is to immaturely get a rise out of him or try to get him back via pity. But he is not me....
Or maybe he thinks he's doing me a favour, that I'd be upset if I found out through his daughter. I'd do my research and have friendly concern but my world would not be rocked, that's for sure.
I assume he has somebody to take him to and from the hospital and look after him at home. Maybe his mother, but he's in a one bedroom so I can't imagine anybody staying there with him. I don't know what I'll do if this comes up. I'd be surprised, but if it does I'll defer any decision until I speak to the wise folk here.
I wish I had a script to follow, but I guess that's no good when you don't know how the convo will go. I'm going to be sure to empathize and validate big time (opportunity for a 180...I'm often quite analytical...this is a chance to show him my soft side) and keep the focus on him.
Thanks again! Any and all tips and insights are welcome!
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
I was having such a great day and feeling so upbeat that I decided to call H this evening rather than wait until tomorrow.
Convo was fine. He told me about the heart situation, the study he's going to participate in as a patient, the possible surgery. I was supportive and understanding and just let him talk. I tried to get off the phone twice and he came up with something else that he needed to tell me about. Then he said "let me know when I can come and get the rest of my things out of your house" or something to that effect. And that was it.
I decided then and there that I can't do this anymore. I am in such a good place now, and when he pops up my head starts to spin. I said "Can I be frank with you?" and told him in a calm voice that I couldn't understand his need to tell me about any of this and that it threw me for a loop. He said it was because he didn't want me finding out from somebody else, to which I replied "there's nobody else I would find out from, our lives have been separate for seven months. We're not together anymore." I said I wouldn't hear it from his D because my relationship with her is separate from him now. He said he really appreciates that.
I told him that every time he does something like this is sets me back and I can't do it anymore. He said he didn't mean to cause me to start thinking about him, to which I replied that i don't think about him, i think about my marriage, and that he needs to leave me alone so that we both can move on.
And with that I am done. I have done the right thing throughout this entire episode and mostly the right things in my marriage, and can no longer bear the pain that comes from his rejection of our life together every time he pops up. I deserve to be loved by someone who is able to truly love and who appreciates all I have to offer.
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read about my situation and given me much appreciated advice. Just your presence has helped me to get over the hump to where I am. I hope that something in my story or something I have said has been a help to someone here.
Now I must get out of my system what I hope is the last cry I'll have over the loss of my marriage, my hopes and my dreams as they were.
All the best.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
I told him that every time he does something like this is sets me back and I can't do it anymore. He said he didn't mean to cause me to start thinking about him,
Yup they know how to press your buttons, play with your emotions and abuse your compassion and decency (is he hoovering?)
Quote:
And with that I am done. I have done the right thing throughout this entire episode and mostly the right things in my marriage, and can no longer bear the pain that comes from his rejection of our life together every time he pops up. I deserve to be loved by someone who is able to truly love and who appreciates all I have to offer.
This should be the mantra for all of us, only when we finally accept ourselves and recognize what we have to offer, are we free of this pain. A relationship is a gift, not an entitlement. I hope you find the right person who can appreciate the gift they are given.
I am not sure if you are already done, gone, moved on, but if you read this: Greatwhitenorth, you are a great role model for a lot of people here, have a great life, eh!
GWN, I am glad that you returned his call because that call gave you the "final" push to tell him just how you feel and that you are done. No matter what happens now or in the future, you have always tried to do the right thing, but until he actually heard what you had to say yesterday, he was going to pull at your heart's strings whenever the notion struck him.
I don't know where you have his "things" stored, but I would make sure that they are sitting outside the day that he comes to pick them up. He no longer has the "free" card to enter where you live and play this was my life. It's too bad you don't have some friends that could deliver his "stuff" to him so that he didn't have to come to your home.
Once your balance has returned, you will be stronger and no what direction you wil follow. You know you are more than welcome to continue posting here. You will need someone to talk to because your story isn't finished just yet. Please come here to post. We are here to support you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for chiming in 4MF and Snodderly. I will continue to think on this board.
My plan is to have all of his things in the garage and not be here when he comes over. I don't think he'll do anything nasty, because he's not a nasty MLCer. Once I find someone who is willing to stand guard I'll let him know. It will be April at the earliest because I'm busy this weekend and gone south over the following two. He was supposed to be coming with me this time, but alas, I'll have more sober company who don't swim away from me in the ocean this time around.
When I was talking to my therapist a couple of weeks ago something I said made her suggest that whatever crisis he seems to be in was interrupted previously. It kind of makes sense. Soon after he and i reconciled after a week apart early in our relationship, he grew his hair out. Normally shaves his head. It looked absolutely ridiculous, to the point that his then teenaged daughter said "is this your doing?" I of course took no responsibility. "Just trying something different" was his explanation.
Anyway, yesterday I spent my lunch hour outside. We've had an unseasonally warm week and as a result the river has opened right up and is high. From where I sat I could smell it, and with that painfully missed our boat and the tears set in. When I got home I decided to take a look at the boat(it's still here as my name is on the loan, but really it's his boat so he's making the payments out of a joint account used for that purpose only).
Imagine my surprise to find that vermin of some sort had moved in over winter! It stank like rodent urine something awful. Two life jackets might be finished and the cover for the bimini top is chewed up. These things were in one of the compartments and smelled rank. The life jackets are still outside in the sun and the bimini cover went in the wash.
I pondered emailing him for a couple of hours and then decided it was the right thing to do. I opened the email by saying I hope he understood where I was coming from the night before and that as long as our lives are separate they must be treated as such, and that it's too painful otherwise. I then went straight to the vermin and the boat.
No response. No interest or concern about the state of his 25K investment that he's presently trying to sell. No thank you for taking care of it. Not a peep. Early in the separation he would normally respond within the same day.
This is the same lack of response I got when I initiallly asked him to disconnect the phone/satellite the first time, but that wasn't surprising because it required action on his part.
It makes no sense to me (not sure why I would expect it to) why he can be gung ho to pick up the phone and tell me about his heart and the other random things, but not say a word about his boat. The stench of raccoon (which it probably was) urine certainly can't be good for resale, and we're already looking at a 10k hit as it's only two years old.
It's almost like he's depressed, like he just doesn't care, he's gone completely dark. It also feels very juvenile, like the boyfriend in high school who completely stops talking to you because you've broken up or had a fight.
I've been thinking about his reason for telling me about his heart. He said he didn't think it would be fair for me to find out from someone else. I've been pondering that notion, why would fairness to me matter? It didn't matter when he decided to cheat on me. Somewhere in my heart I think he was reaching out a bit, but that could be this foolish optimism I've adopted in recent months.
Either way...I have a stinky boat in by driveway and sure do miss the water.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Somewhere in my heart I think he was reaching out a bit, but that could be this foolish optimism I've adopted in recent months.
I think they never let go. My W sent an email apologizing for her behavior, and putting herself down a bit. I sent a reply validating her feelings and reminded her that (even though she has acted out specifically towards me), that she still has some very good qualities. She has not responded.
I think they are very reluctant to cut the strings, they need a safety net. It is possible that only when there is no safety net that they have to finally look at the issues inside?
I am 99% sure that my wife is high functioning Borderline Personality Disorder, Due to childhood abandonment issues her neural networks are wired differently as a survival/coping mechanism, this is a brain disorder. It can be overcome but I feel it will always be there. I am supportive if she needs help and I have empathy but it is not my job to fix her or to let her act out against me anymore.
Throughout our relationship my instincts have put up red flags which I have ignored. My instincts are more accurate and reliable than my conscious decisions. If your instinct tells you he is reaching out he probably is, but can he give you what you want or need in a relationship?
