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#2229522 - 03/10/12 10:53 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
"She got home with the food and joined me in my room. She asked me what was wrong, that I'd looked sad when she left. Told her I had a lot on my mind, about my behaviors, my dad, etc... and that her taking S to MILs and the thought that I wouldn't really see anyone this weekend was tough to deal with.

She kind of acted like a fixer, actually told me something along the lines of needing to detach and let things I can't control go. Of course, I agreed. She wasn't being mean or condescending, and actually apologized several times for the terse mood she'd had with me before leaving with S.

She asked me if I wanted to go get some dinner for my birthday (coming up Monday), and I told her I already had plans to eat with my mom. She said we could do it another night. Told her I'd like that. Felt nice to be asked a question like that, though "no expectations" is the rule."


Nice little development you got there. Hope you can get your W to meet with your Pastor. I think that would also be a positive for you. Good luck!

Prayers for your father.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2230804 - 03/15/12 09:45 AM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: 2thepoint]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Journaling -

So Monday was my birthday. W had to work, so when I got up, it was mostly to watch her run around and get ready to leave. For a little while, she didn't acknowledge my birthday, until we went on one of our smoke breaks. She asked "Have I wished you Happy Birthday yet?" "No." "Well, happy birthday."

I'd been a little upset that she hadn't said anything. I wasn't expecting anything from her, but it didn't seem like much to ask to have my birthday at least acknowledged.

I didn't stay in a funk, though. When she left, I took S to his daycare so I could have some time to myself. It's one of the only times I've ever taken him there on an off day. I went and did some grocery shopping for my mom, then stopped at Plato's Closet (store that sells second hand brand-name clothes) and picked out some new clothes. I've been on the separation/D diet for months now, and nothing I had either fit or was very stylish. Polo shirts and draw-string khakis aren't very flattering.

As I was driving back home, I got a text from W that she'd bought me something from Amazon. I texted back "Thank you. :)".

I got home and put on one of my new outfits, and immediately felt better about myself. It's been a while since I felt good about my appearance, and even longer since I'd felt good about it "just because" and not because I'd been to an interview.

W had told me she'd get off work a little early and come home. I waited for a little while, but eventually left to pick up S and go to my mom's for dinner. She called me after a while and apologized, saying she'd been busier than she expected, and wished me a good time at dinner and would see me when I got home.

Dinner was good. Mom had made one of my favorite dishes and some peanut butter brownies for me. Gave one of the brownies to S. We don't let him have sugar very often, so he quickly got into that sugar high state that has him crawling walls and chasing cats. Mom gave me a study Bible I'd been interested in, a moleskin notebook, a self-help book called "Broken Open" and a few more personal items.

W didn't say anything about my clothes when I got home. She was watching The Voice, so I wasn't sure if she'd noticed or not. When she saw my Bible, she got a little upset because she'd gotten me one, too. The one she got for me was a more "portable" one, and actually complements my study bible pretty well.

One of our conversations turned to talk about my brother, who had a great sense of style. I told her I'd channeled him when I went shopping. She asked "Did you?" I said "You haven't noticed my clothes?" She said that she had, then went on to say that they looked good on me.

When she went to bed, I followed her up with S in my arms and put him to bed. Then we started talking about cats. The subject wasn't important, it was the fact that she'd started a conversation when she normally shoos me out with a good night. I stood there, trying to profile a little bit. After a couple of minutes, I found an opening to be the first to say good night and exited the room. Went downstairs feeling pretty good.

She worked again the next day. I kept S this time instead of taking him to his daycare. I'd gotten some money from mom, so I went to another Plato's Closet and bought some more clothes. Strange how addicting it became to try and replace some threads that have been hanging around for too long. I also had to take S to the tax assessor's office. Good times, with an overheated, upset child who couldn't run around like he wanted to. When I got out of there, I realized just how warm it was and realized I didn't have any shorts that fit me, wound up going back to the store. By the time I finally got home with S, he was beyond ready for a nap, even if he didn't realize it at first. lol

W got home and saw me in another new outfit. She complemented it and we talked about it for a minute. I was getting some clothes out of the drier and made a comment about having never heard of the brand name of the shirt I was wearing. She came up behind me and grabbed the back of my collar and turned it inside out, trying to read it. She hadn't heard of it either, then grabbed and looked at it again. It was strange, felt like the kind of awkward flirting that happened in high-school. In all, it seemed like she was appreciating my new appearance.

We talked briefly about my teeth. I'm working with a local dental school to get things fixed, but I'm a good bit of time and money away from getting any cosmetic concerns addressed, like my broken front tooth. She'd mentioned looking into one of those "snap on smile" products. I looked into it, and it seemed like it was going to cost almost as much as the work I'm already getting done, so I let that go, but I found a set of veneers that are meant for situations like mine where temporary cover is needed. She seemed pretty enthusiastic about me getting it, saying I needed to order it as soon as I got payed again.

In general, she was a lot more talkative that night than she has been in a little while.

We watched a Tyler Perry play while waiting on dinner. She wanted some popcorn, which I made. This left an opening for me to sit on the couch next to her instead of the loveseat like I normally do. We sat kind of close, but not touching, and shared the popcorn. When that was done, she went and got some carrots and ranch, which we also shared while waiting on dinner to be ready. It was nice to not have to feel exiled from the couch for once.

The goodnight was a little more awkward this time, but I bowed out quickly and gracefully as possible.

Wednesday, W was off. My sudden change of style (big 180 I'd been neglecting) was able to continue as I'd dug out a shirt she'd bought me a while back but was too small and was able to wear it. She suggested taking S to the park, since it was such a nice day. While getting ready, we passed in the hell. She was looking nice, and she caught me looking at her. She asked "what?". I grinned at her and said "just admiring." She smiled as she passed, then said "Thank you." It almost sounded like she was blushing, but that's likely wishful thinking. She did sound happy, though.


We let S run around the park for a little over an hour, throwing sand and anything else he could pick up in those gritty little hands. It felt good to be outside. We smiled and laughed, and in general, were pretty relaxed, until it was time to leave. S was NOT happy about having to go. We just didn't need more sand stuck in that hair of his.

I fed and bathed S while W ran to the store for stuff to make lunch. He went down for a nap pretty fast! W came back and asked that I help her get lunch ready (cooked bacon for BLTs while she wrapped chicken livers in bacon... we eat super healthy).

We sat on the couch again and watched another Tyler Perry movie (she's been on a kick lately, and his stuff is pretty funny anyway).

A little later in the day, a mutual friend joined us. He complimented my new clothes, and W began gushing about how I'd been to two different Plato's closets and had picked out new outfits and how good they looked. The friend gave me a look that something along the lines of "about time" and then started complimenting my new hair style, too(the friend is gay, so his opinion is surprisingly valuable to me lol). Felt good to have my ego blown up like that, but I tried not to focus on it too much.

W started working on dinner and asked for a little more help, which I gave her. I then retreated to my room so she could have some time to hang out with our friend (she's closer to him than I am, and I didn't want to be a third wheel).

After dinner, we were cleaning up, and W mentioned needing to go on and make the appointment with the counselor our pastor had wanted us to see. I was saying something else at the time, and what she said didn't really set in until the conversation had moved on. I guess I'll need to go back and let her know I heard what she said and that I agree that we need to move forward with that.

After we put S in bed, our good night had a little more eye contact than we normally have.

In all, I'm more or less confused about everything, and I'm trying SO HARD not to have any expectations... but it seemed like a good few days off for me. I'm certainly enjoying wearing some good looking clothing, and I've noticed I get a bit more attention in general when I'm out now. It's good for a battered ego, I just have to make sure to not let it get to my head.

As a side note, I hate making large journal entries like this. I invariably forget details I want to point out. Might be a good use for that moleskin notebook...
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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#2231129 - 03/16/12 08:55 AM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Journaling -

So last night, we seemed to go back to that weird twilight zone-esque existence. I got some more bad news about my dad (Docs suspect he may have multiple myeloma... waiting for tests now), so the mood in the house was pretty down. W was stressed out, but seemed to be so for reasons other than the bad news, as well. She complained about feeling hormonal.

She brought up going to MC again. I agreed that we needed to go on and get started. I'm not sure why this is making me so nervous. It's something I've been wanting, but the last time there was any R talk, she spoke of going to MC to show we were done, to satisfy any requirements a judge might have in D proceedings, etc. Then I balance that against the good interaction we've been having - like her thanking me for keeping up the kitchen. When she did that last night, I thanked her and told her it meant a lot to me.

It's just so confusing. It almost seems like she might want to give R another shot, but she hasn't said that. On the other hand, she hasn't said she still wants a divorce. She seems to talk like it's going to happen and I should know it already, but I accept that there's a lot of fear motivating that thought.

I'm starting to wonder about the apology again... I think it may be best to wait until we're in a "safe place" to do it, but on the other hand, getting it out before MC begins might be a help also. Mach told me to wait until the time was right, but now I'm wondering how I'll know.

What am I more afraid of here? Failing or succeeding? Hmm...
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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#2231144 - 03/16/12 09:52 AM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
The constant balance needed for the high wire act of a LBS is so difficult for me.

I try to keep being the best me I can be and accept whatever happens and I would suggest the same to you but obviously it's easier said than done.

It's maddening to analyze little signs that our S gives us and think that it could be a sign they want to move forward w/ us or a sign that they want to move forward w/ D.

We have no control of what they do but we do have our personal power and dignity and hopefully we can remain positive in knowing that as bad and hard as this is that we are becoming better people for it.

You are not alone my friend, best of luck to you!!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2231154 - 03/16/12 10:36 AM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: sayitaintso]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Thanks for stopping by, SIAS. Being the best me I can be really is all I can do. It IS hard when everything is so uncertain.

I've started asking myself questions in a different way than I did before, instead of what can I do to reconcile, I ask, what will I do if we D? It isn't pleasant, but it seems to keep me grounded and focused on my own survival. When things start going well between us, that's when my balance gets all messed up. Then it inevitably goes the other direction, and I start asking myself those questions again.

It feels like we should be pro at this balancing act, but it's like we're doing it blindfolded while severely dizzy.
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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#2231158 - 03/16/12 10:50 AM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 283
It's just so confusing. It almost seems like she might want to give R another shot, but she hasn't said that. On the other hand, she hasn't said she still wants a divorce. She seems to talk like it's going to happen and I should know it already, but I accept that there's a lot of fear motivating that thought.

....

I know what you mean about it being so confusing. My H and I are still separated at the time and have not really spoken since he left (LRT). We are seeing a DB coach every two weeks, so that's the only time I get to actually communicate with him. What I don't understand is that while out with friends the other night, my H told them he thinks MC is working (we've only been once) and did not mention divorce to his friends...it's just sooo confusing at times!!! What is going through their heads?!?!
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

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#2231162 - 03/16/12 10:56 AM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: hopingandpraying]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8686
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
It almost seems like she might want to give R another shot, but she hasn't said that. On the other hand, she hasn't said she still wants a divorce.


If she wants to R she will let you know.

She has told you what she wants and has not changed that.

It shouldn't change what you do. Don't let it confuse you.

Until she says differently, she wants a divorce.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2231169 - 03/16/12 11:07 AM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: labug]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
That's a good point, labug. Still confusing when we have good times, though. /sigh

That fact does make her bringing up MC more stressful. Praying that some good comes from it.
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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#2231172 - 03/16/12 11:12 AM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8686
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Don't let it be confusing.

It's easier for her when things are going well.

She still wants a D.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2231175 - 03/16/12 11:24 AM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
10bus - I'll echo Labug, don't make your decisions on your W's emotions, you'll stay confused.

Also, IMO, if you're afraid of acting, then maybe you need to face the fear and do what you fear to do. Just an opinion so take it or leave it.

Sorry to hear about your dad, but as encouragement, that is exactly what my mom was diagnosed with a couple months ago. She is doing great and her doc continues to tell her that it is very treatable.

Take care,
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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