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I've been reviewing my budget, and as I don't have a paycheck coming from him, or any child support (he is living in the house still) I'm unsure of how to proceed with asking him for money or if I should. Yes I can make things work without him... but it just means making minimum payments. I do need to ask about the child support though because I do think he needs to help pay.

I guess since I've always been paying the bills, I would like him to have some responsibilities and not live like a teenager. But will throw any work I do off balance?

It's only been almost 2 weeks since the D filed by H and his EA/PA ended (by her), no serving, and it doesn't look like I will be served any time in the near future. I don't know if he is still planning on moving out - or if he is just waiting to see how I react.

Should I wait and just bring up the CS?


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
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Just this past week you did say to him something along the lines that he could keep his money so he could save to move out and while you have needed money all along you are now wanting to contradict yourself.

Is there an on line calculator from your state that would help you calculate child support? Maybe even check with a lawyer to get an idea. Then you might need to bring it up saying that while you do understand the need to save to move out, you have done some calculations and need some help. You have looked at CS in your state and it would be such and such. Could we work together to make sure everything is getting covered?

It might be a rough conversation. Just a heads up.

kat


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S24, S21, D18, D17
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Yes, and I did mention how I wanted him to keep his money but I still needed money for S. He knows the calculation too.

It came up this morning actually.
I've been getting some odd unlisted text messages on my phone and I asked him if he knew who would do that (He did give OW my phone #). He said that he didn't hang around people who were drama. I mentioned, "well, you did give my phone number out, would anyone do anything with it?" He said "She doesn't do drama, that's why she left. and I'm moving out mid-May (ok so I have a date now of when I'm going dark), and you need to sign the papers." Defense mechanism.


Anyway, I'm heart broken again. I keep getting my hopes wrapped up in him. For almost 2 weeks there was no mention of the papers, now there is.


Later on, I said "You said she doesn't do drama - well, don't you think being involved with a married man is drama and texting me about you and what you are doing is drama?" He said "you are right."



Maybe i just need to repeat that HE is NOT going to change he is not going to change. I want him to be a faithful husband who cares about his family, and me, and he's just not. This moving out might be the best thing.

I keep hoping that it will bring him to his senses - that we can go back to how we were a year ago.... before her, before he wrapped himself up in his work. It's just not going to happen.

Admittedly I feel hopeless.

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I take that back. I don't feel hopeless now.
I felt anxious and couldn't sleep again last night.

I just wrote a 'hear me roar' that made me feel good, I saved it and it said exactly what I've wanted to say for years where I finally I laid down some boundaries. This cycle is ending. He acknowledged he got it (and NOW here is where I SHUT UP!) and he also said he noticed that I was improving over the last week.

I had been nice and even still in my 'hear me roar' I WAS nice - just firm.
I am worth more than being cheated on, I am worth a man who wants to spend quality family time with us, I am worth having someone who can communicate with me and not wait until I get emotional to acknowledge me. I don't need a man who tries to fill a vacant hole with women when he has a family waiting for him at home only for him to say he has been miserable for 2 years (while trying to chase OW) and still miserable even with OW only to have her completely turn on him.

So where that leaves me and H, I don't know. He can deal with it. He can ignore me. Either way, I will continue to be nice, cordial and to the point. I will dress better, and my exercise is going well (i'm down another 10 lbs!). I am also getting more confident in ME and being alone, and doing my activities and not being cocky (I was never cocky but thought I'd clarify!)

OH! And my hours were successfully reduced to a comfortable 32 hours a week instead of 40-50! so I feel good about that. My boss is understanding and I said that for 5 years it's been hard (S is 5) and I can't manage it all without getting paralyzed. I want to do great work, and he said I am very knowledgeable and do great work and he will get it taken care of so he can keep me! I wouldn't have quit, but I needed a break)

Regarding H: I would be willing to work on a R and I really do want to be married to him, but if he is going to keep chasing empty rabbit holes and threaten me with emotional abandonment. He can figure it out. Maybe a problem was I didn't give him clear boundaries and expectations that he didn't have to worry about consequences. He NOW knows my 5 lines (which I don't think are that hard):
--No more cheating and no emotional affairs
--no female friends so find friendships with quality men
--openly communicate with me. I WILL not argue, yell, or throw a tantrum.
--be fun again, have quality family time
--stop threatening me with emotional abandonment.

The consequences are no more 'oh well I'll help you out of this mess'. IF that means he gets fired, then he needs to find another job as I'm not supporting him anymore. If he's miserable at his current job because he and OW aren't talking and she saw him as he is, oh well... deal with it. If that means he can't get his new vehicle because he moves instead of saving, oh well. I will just respond with "oh yes, that does sound like a tough predicament to be in" and offer no solution to 'fix it'. I WILL be fine.

I'm reading "People Skills" by Robert Bolton, I think I'll take a break and read "Boundaries".


I just changed my phone number. the OW had it, and I need a new start. H doesn't have it as he sees me every day for now until he moves and I don't need to talk to him on this phone anyway. He can call the home. I'm not interested in being pathetic to him. I'm interested in finding this new confident me. I'm not going to keep appeasing him and he not having boundaries enforced. No more.

I'm memorizing the 37 rules, but I'm going to print them out now and put them in my wallet as suggested.

Thanks for reading and commenting all! You are my sanity!


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
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Posting again today:


Labug has this acryonym that I saw and loved it and need it here as a reminder. ( WAIT-Why Am I Talking?) I wish I had read it earlier today!

14 days until he gets his apartment (and he's dead set on it). I'm wasn't planning on changing the locks of the house - but.... If he just lets himself in and makes himself at home here, and then has his place at night, why would he want to come home? Am I worried too much about that now?


Back to the book for reading again tonight because I'm slipping and need reassurance. I'm on LRT
The Bad: I am chasing. I go from 1 day good to 2 days bad.
Goal: It will be a good day when I don't call or don't email him and just smile and say Hi when he comes home late at night before I busy myself. I will engage in light conversation about kid and dog then leave.

The good: (?) Another morning of him letting me hold him on the couch without pushing me off. H refused to go upstairs but didn't throw a fuss when I laid down beside him on couch. ML again (TMI?!)but he initially acted like it was all because of what I wanted, and of course the D talk and moving out talk start. Hand in hand... He did (re)include me by making me breakfast this morning too (along with S) (good!)

Here's where I am confused. 2 weeks ago he freaked out if I touched him, or try to lay down with him. We didn't ML for 2 months while he was with OW. So if he is 'letting me' (even if he is acting like it's what I wanted) lie on the couch with him, is that working? I won't try it again for a few more days.

The Bad (again):
I didn't let the D and the moving out talk go over (I don't know how to react, or if I should stay quiet) and I slipped up and got frustrated and let it be seen, and eventually heard (I called him when he was driving to work). I'm just going on and on, and H told me that 'we just grew apart' and I said "I see you have been checked out for 3 months, I'm not going to talk about 'growing apart' right now." I told him I wanted him to move because then he can figure out what he wanted. I sent him a long email too which gave him a total amount he will need to deposit for S. I did not ask for any other bills. BUT STOP STOP STOP. Here's where the WAIT acronym would have been helpful!

I did send a joke and talked to him lightly on the phone half hour ago. We talked about S's upcoming birthday. I called.


As far as I go - I notice that the days I don't GAL, I blow up. Go figure.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My more of the same behavior:
Follow him around the house (I stopped)
engage more with the computer than him
repeat repeat repeat everything
chase him
not lash out over comments or opinions from him
being at home every time he is (I will take S out before H gets home on friday afternoon so he arrives at empty house).
'remind' him of our previous relationship


My ultimate goals (when I know I am successful):
H and I will be able to discuss the importance of having family and quality time together. H will acknowledge that allowing OW in his life does not improve the quality of our family life, nor of his own and will work on steps of re-engaging with me if he feels like he is wavering.

Goal 2: H will call me from work just to see what we are doing. H will show more interest in my life and what I am doing, and will initiate activities.

Goal 3: Communication. When H wants to communicate H will initiate more conversations. I will not let my emotions fly if he says something I disagree with. I will acknowledge his statement so he knows I heard him. H and I will be able to talk about our feelings and hopes for the future again.

Goal 4: H will be able to acknowledge his repeated depression is affecting his decision making, and see alternative ways to work through it (sports, journaling, talking).

My personal goals:
Goal 1) I will not engage with H when he is moody in a way that is not constructive. I will not feel 'responsible' for checking up on him (aka spying) to determine what kind of mood he is in.

Goal 2) I want to accomplish my fitness goals.

Goal 3) I want to learn to cook some better meals for my S, ensuring that we ARE eating and I'm not slipping down a depressive state with my H.

Goal 4) I will go to events, movies, shows by myself if I need to.



On a side note, H wants me to sell the house. Even though I don't care for the house in particular, I think it's better to stay here (and I can afford it on my own) during this time. I didn't want to transition S into an apartment, and then not have a connecting point with H. I would like to rent out the house in the future, but unless a divorce actually comes and forces me from the house, I would like to keep a consistent place for us.

H gets angry about that, but I'm trying to ignore it. Am I being unreasonable?


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
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The sad part about your H being intimate with you is that it most likley is him fulfilling a need. It doesn't necessarily "mean" anything. Women like to think of sex meaning love but at a time like this, don't. Also please remember that you can not control him or how he behaves. You can only control your goals.

As for the ones you kind of set for both of you...did he do any of those things before? If not, it is going to take a lot of work and willingness on his part to get there. You really should set things like that together. Right now you aren't there.

From my personal experience, it was not good when my former H left our house. It gave him a chance to live his life without me and actually I believe spend a whole lot of time with his affair partner though they supposedly had stopped seeing each other at the time. He was on the fence for a while, I could tell that much but I didn't know about these boards at that time and didn't know how to move that to my advantage.

Hang in there. kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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So very true regarding a 'need'. I'm quite okay with that at the moment. I guess it's because i see him as lashing out because he is angry/scared and I think he letting his guard down a bit, protesting as a way of protection, but not acting as defensive as he had just a couple of weeks ago.

I hear you on the potential danger that could happen once H leaves the house. In no way do I want him to go, but I did say I was okay with it and I don't think I get a choice as to if he is going to move out. I have told him that while I would like him to stay, I am okay with his decision to move because it gives him space to figure out what he wants. I told him a relationship with affairs I will not tolerate. I don't know if he would get re involved with the OW... I doubt it as he was rejected and served on a platter to me, (she told me what he was up to -something that if I were ever a OW, I would NEVER do). In the meantime, in the 13 days I have left, I'm trying to make this a nice home to come to (meaning me not being stress and bossy and to let things go!).

One a good note, I have been working on saying things only one time and assuming he hears me. So this morning I mentioned how it would be great if he could adjust his work schedule (he works until 11pm which I find has had a part in killing our relationship and doesn't help him as he doesn't sleep enough) and that he could be home somewhere between 8:00 to 9 before S goes to bed. I said that S would absolutely be thrilled to see him. Well, he shut the door and didn't acknowledge me. So rather than repeat it over and over, I just got ready for work.

I did call him at 7pm and just kept it very light (no relationship talk, just a 'would you rather' question that I thought was a fun conversation starter (remember I'm trying to not be serious!) told him what we were doing, and the handed phone to S). I know he heard us giggling as he hung up, having fun and he seemed down on the phone - but I didn't ask about it.
Anyway, at 8:30p the door opened and he was there and S bolted for the door. I've never seen S so excited.

I was shocked that H actually did it.

Later after S went to bed (later than usual tonight), I said to H: "I don't know what you had to do at work to make this happen, but thank you. I've never seen him so excited, not even about his birthday present." H didn't say anything, but I know he heard me. We watched tv together, I didn't start conversations, but would make a couple comments here or there that he responded to.

Today's mission was to not call, and not email. I called 1 time, and didn't email anything. I think the one phone call with S went well, I was happy with it, and I think it will be okay, and possibly get H reconnected to our home, regardless of what happens.

For me: I had to miss a work event tonight as I got sick again. However, tomorrow night I have a counseling appointment, and I'm starting to reconnect at work (I've struggled with it). I feel more motivated and I've made plans to go to the gym with my girl friend this week.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Apr 2012
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For every positive, there's a negative.

This morning I stupidly asked him if he had plans over the weekend. He said 'no'. I said: "well, what do you think about hiking or minature golf?" He said "I can't be more clear that I don't want to spend time with you."

It just escalated from there.

Now I feel like my day is ruined... Which is back to the beginning for me. Every positive step that I took seems gone.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
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LIO, don't let this ruin your day. I know everyone has said it, and I'll say it again - you have to detach your emotions from comments from you H. (Easier said than done. Believe me!)

Maybe it was a little too soon to ask about spending time doing an activity like that? Hopefully the vets will come storming in and give you some advice. I don't think you're starting at the beginning again. I think you recognize what happened, and you move on.

I hope your day is going better!


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I swear it is like all the WAS have ascript that they all follow! You need to back off. You are rushing in every time you see a positive...STOP. Let him think about the positive moment for a while, let him initiate. This will be a huge 180 for you at the moment.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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