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I am so sorry to hear this. My heart hurts for you! Keep your head up, girl! I'm sorry I don't have much advice to offer seeing I'm in the same situation. I've decided that I am going to allow him to make all the moves towards divorce and let him initiate things...don't know how it will work, but that's what I'm doing.


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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JKS,

This is not your fault. This reflects poorly on him, not on you. You have been trying to save your marriage and protect your kids, that's the most admirable thing you can do.

Don't allow him to tell you when things are over. Feel free to disagree, feel free to pursue your own timeline and your own goals. Remember -- don't believe what they say.

My W told me she wanted a divorce. I asked her if there was any chance of reconciliation and she said "absolutely none, I'm done".

She's still here.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 951
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Sorry JKS, that is such tough news to receive. I have heard it as well and it was very painful. 1 day at a time and Ray is right, my waw has said it a few times and we are still seperated w/ no R in site but no papers yet.

This will not be easy but you are doing great and you are not alone.

It WILL get better!


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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Accuray, I get what you're saying and I want to not believe what he says. However, I don't see this OW going anywhere any time soon. She is here to stay and I'm pretty sure as soon as my H feels its ok, he will be moving in with her. They have been friends for almost 6 years. And something that really bothered me that she had mentioned when I went over to her house was in their profession... they're both cops... she said that they have to be there for one another when they are out responding to calls and the situations they go through are very intense. High intense situations very often bring people closer together in a very different way. She said its like we've formed this family. So they've bonded with each other on a level that I can't even comprehend. I will never have that with him.

I've tried to talk myself into believing that this affair will never last but, honestly, I think she's just what he's always wanted. I think for a long time he has realized that I am not at all the person he thought he was marrying. But instead of really acknowledging it, he decided to work through it on his own and try to fix everything.

A lot of times I doubt our R too just because he has seen what its like to be with someone who has the qualities he has always wanted. For him to look back at me and think, I'd really like to try things out again with her seems pretty unlikely.

Maybe if this woman died or something would I ever have a chance, but that is also very unlikely. (Not that I wish her dead... just wish she would leave us alone.)


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Originally Posted By: jks
I think for a long time he has realized that I am not at all the person he thought he was marrying. But instead of really acknowledging it, he decided to work through it on his own and try to fix everything.

A lot of times I doubt our R too just because he has seen what its like to be with someone who has the qualities he has always wanted. For him to look back at me and think, I'd really like to try things out again with her seems pretty unlikely.
...just wish she would leave us alone.)


JKS, please do not put yourself down. I know it is so easy to do that in this type of situation, but you do not deserve that at all. You are a wonderful and lovely person in your own right!

The only way you will 'win' is by being yourself in all your glory and wonderful uniqueness, and by standing up for yourself. That shines like a star in the night and everyone notices that!

Also, he married you because you were different from him. This OW is just like him - and sure that level of compatibility is potentially intoxicating, but friendship is very different from intimate relationship. Whole different ball game. So, let it do it's thing, while you be the best YOU you are.

Don't give up.

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Thank you, Yankee. I want to keep my mindset there and I hope I can.

I felt when I was on the phone with my H today that I was very strong. I wanted so badly to fight what he was saying and ask a million questions and instead I just let it go. I accepted what he was saying and I accepted that this is his life and this is what he wants. Several months ago I would have never been able to do that. This is one huge change on my part.

It will only get harder, I'm afraid. I now have to be able to talk about the details of how we're going to make this work without being emotional and showing him that I'm ok. Easier said than done.

I also don't know how I'm going to be able to handle him continuing to sleep with this OW. Its one thing for him to do it behind my back but now for him to continue on with it when he knows that I know is pretty harsh.

This type of behavior should be illegal. The amount of pain and anguish that it causes a family is unbelievable.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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If the woman were gone, your H still wouldn't be going back to you. Or at least he will for the short term until something else comes around. There's something broken inside of him so as hard as it is, you can't beat yourself up over that.

Are you still living with your mom? If so, I would suggest moving back home and reclaim your home. In ever interaction, show him what he'd be missing. And I'm not talking about the compassionate you, I mean the you that got his fires burning in the first place. Men are fairly simple creatures. Once he sees that you've moved on, he'll start rethinking things.

Keep getting stronger and just keep remembering that you are the one who is worth it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Agreed, the pain and anguish is terrible. H selected you because there is something about you that he needed.

When H chooses OW, he either looks for someone who is the opposite of you, or someone who is very similar to you. If he chooses very similar, he's probably going to run into the same issues. If he chooses opposite, that's going to feel like a relief and a wonderful change in the short term, but it's doomed for failure because that's not what he needs longer term. Whatever it was about you that he needed and OM does not have, he will miss, and will eventually recognize that he needs to replace it, either by getting you back, or by finding someone like you. If she is very different from you, that is good news. He may have thought he wanted that, but he'll figure out it doesn't work for him.

Usually the things we love are the flipsides of the things we hate. It's a "ying yang" of relationships. We love people who are affectionate, but hate people who are clingy, which are often characteristics of the same behavior. We love people who engage with us, but can be bothered by people who depend on us. Once again, two sides of the same behavior. We like people who are funny, but don't like people who are insensitive. We like people who are confident, but we want to feel wanted, etc. etc. etc.

The complaints that H has about you are probably the other side of the things about you that he wants and needs. Your challenge is to maximize the Ying and minimize the Yang as it were. Your personality is your personality, but you can manage those traits to your advantage. Figure out what your good/bad flipsides are and make sure H sees the good side of it when you're in contact with him.

In terms of figuring out how this is going to work going forward, no rush. Tell H you're not ready to have those discussions yet. If he won't leave it open-ended, pick some number of weeks and agree to do it then. Do not feel any need to help him figure anything out. Don't propose any solutions, just accept or reject what he puts forth. You don't need to be his friend or his helper right now.

In terms of what OW said, I'd ignore that. There's nothing special about their relationship. If you look at Pat Love's website and download the resources about an "Office Spouse", all EA's tend to begin with people working together on some project and bonding over the experience, and they could just be a couple accountants. She does not have the inside track, you are the mother of his children, you have more shared history, you are the incumbent, and the best wife he could have.

In terms of how you handled his phone call, bravo! That was first class DB'ing!

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Also, the fact that they work together will work against them, if they live together and work together they never get a break. When they need space, they'll have no where to go. No matter how much you love someone, constant contact is going to get on someone's nerves.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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You are all going to be so not proud of me but I went to OW's house tonight to see if my H would be there. Seeing as how he ended things with me today I knew that he would now find it ok to continue his affair with her. Well, because the neighbor across the street tells me when she sees his car and he knows that, I knew that he wouldn't park it in front of her house. So I drove around the block and lo and behold, there was his car parked a block away.

So I immediately went to her house at 11:30 at night and rang her doorbell because I knew that they were both in there. I called his phone and hers and texted him to please come out. He finally came out and I was irate.

It was raining so I went inside and argued with him for a good hour with her standing by the side putting her two cents in. I wanted to throw her through the window so many times. I'm actually quite glad that I was able to say all the things that I wanted to because it opened my eyes to a lot.

My H stated that he doesn't believe that we ever had that strong of a connection. And the connection that he has with OW is something he's never experienced before. His values in the religion that we belong to have completely diminished. He doesn't feel the same way about it at all. This is huge to me and is definitely something that I know I would never be able to get over.

All in all, I'm feeling like I can finally let go of him. He's been lying to me for so long about who he really is and so therefore I don't really know him. And this person that he's become is not the person I would want to be married to anyway. I truly mean this. And with the way his family has been treating me, I'm actually feeling like I can let go of them too.

This was my way of getting that release. And I really feel ok about it.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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