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journaling/venting

actually what i'm freaking out about this morning isn't, as would be expected, that i'm scared we won't get back together, i'm freaking because i'm scared if we do, i'll get all messed up again in his chaos - i saw it clearly yesterday, and by the evening, i was so anxious and my spasms got worse (they can be affected by emotions) and i was like - oh my god, this man does something that i can't even begin to describe that is so crazy making -

i think when he so completely denies his feelings, i feel completely invisible because i cannot express my reaction to them and how his actions affect me - and then it's like i don't exist. i know it's his way of self-protecting because he can't handle what he's feeling. but when he's sitting there acting like he's angry and later i say please help me to understand what you are angry about, he says in this cool detached voice - i simply don't know what you are talking about, you're imagining stuff, everything is great.

that leaves me in a state of utter nuttiness, because i can see he's upset, i can see the matyr look on his face and then his complete denial makes me feel like i got everything wrong and something must be wrong with me.

so labug's advice of just letting them be is the only way to handle things

i'm writing so much here, because as i write i find myself finding and identifying what is difficult for me and then once i realize it, i feel i can do something about it.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline OP
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i've calmed down - again - journaling here has helped me to see the cycle i'm in finally

h's behavior implies even slightly that there is hope (or i read it like that) = me being in a good state

h's behavior implying no hope = panic state, anger resentment, blaming and all the other ugly parts of my personality including high levels of insecurity

therefore

my only resort = back to square one for myself,
- reading DB again
- GAL'ing more (i've slacked off on that recently)
- making a list of short term goals
- new 180 - stopping thoughts of this sitch
- best labug advice: stop looking over your shoulder to see if he's following you. move towards the strong, independent woman you can be.

i haven't been that woman in the pst 24 hrs, within myself. time to focus on her again.
i'm feeling a bit ashamed of my reactions since that appointment - still working on that- my tendency to over react constantly is really holding me back from letting go and moving forward

thanks for putting up with me , everyone here -

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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You are doing great, zig... awesome noticing on yourself...

Remember to analyze YOU and not your H. Do not get yourself stuck in analysis paralysis...

simply:

+ do, observe, adjust, do...

BTW, my board name here is a play on carpe diem, sieze the day...

So I'm kinda coffee the day... which I didn't realize at first but was pointed out and I noticed, that it is similar to the name of the coffee shop on the TV Show "Eureka", which is cafe diem... lol

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Hey I got all my best lines from others on this board. I have learned so much.

When you have the time, search out Mach1 and Cat04 posts. Good stuff.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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zig Offline OP
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thanks kaffe for the encouragement

i'm still very shaky, but baby steps

i still have so many questions but need to calm down about that too


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
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zig Offline OP
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thanks for the tips - i'll go check them out/

techie problem - when i click on someones name, i only get to the list of posts they've made to others - how do i find their thread?

i got an hour and a half with s this afternoon - it was sweet and i just took care to be there for him. i saw him struggling a bit, but i just let it be - he was quite relaxed and so i feel good about being strong there

everyone is right here - he knows i'm here and he can come to me anytime.he'll do it when he's ready to

i guess i could say the same about h....


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 335
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Hi Zig - be gentle with yourself. There will inevitably be these kinds of days, and you are human so be kind to yourself.

Also, take a True Calm (by Now foods) - that might help wink

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zig Offline OP
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thanks yankee candle - i do need to be gentle with myself- i'm trying too hard and that always lands one in a mess

thanks for looking in

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
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zig Offline OP
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journaling -

NEVER SAY NO TO DIGGING OUT DANDELION ROOTS - serendipity

i'm looking for those serendipitous moments - without looking for them, and then they just come

went to school to pick up s, and he begged to stay and dig out this enormous dandelion with his friend - they had fun in gardening class today where they were digging them out so they got every last piece of the root - i saw them - some of them were well over a foot long

i said yes, even though i really wanted to get going, thinking that i wanted to garden with him at home, but he looked so relaxed and happy i said it's fine.

his friends mom, who is my dear sweet friend and only supporter of DB'ing (she should be giving advice on this board!!) and i hung out for an hour in the beautiful sunshine and talked. i finally got the biggest hug i've had in a long long time and it was good.

as i was telling her about what was going on , i found myself finding what was the trigger for me yesterday with what happened, and went one step further and found the original trigger that makes me overreact and feel so completely crazy when h does his 'cold, detached , not acknowledging what i am clearly seeing' thing .

and so one more layer of the onion peeled back and a little more clarity on myself.

it's funny how this works - every time i find something like this out about myself, not only does it release a lot of stuff, but suddenly i don't have to do it any more

i was reading about this kind of thing a while ago and it said that one's triggers are usually very weighted, and if one can find the original connection of what emotion the present situation evokes from ones past (usually some trauma) then one can realize that a lot of the present reaction is magnified because one is re-experiencing the past event consciously or sub-consciously through the present one and as soon as one can make the connection and deal with the past trauma, then the trigger is removed, and when similar things come up in the present they don't carry that past weight anymore

seems as if i have to go through some godawful panic state to get to each one of these and then i achieve another layer of calmness - starting to feel a bit psychotic here with all these ups and downs!!


but anyway - thanks to the dandelion root i got to uncover this today


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
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zig Offline OP
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h answered the phone when i called to say goodnight to s. s was still in the shower. he asked how i was and i said i was fine - and then he said, we need to continue this conversation one of these days

i asked - when would you like to do that - and found out right away that that was too aggressive - he's like a shy nervous horse right now - he immediately got a bit anxious and replied that he didn't know. so i just said gently that anytime was fine.

we talked for a couple of mins more - i felt that he wanted to talk more but was stopping himself, and so i said well get s to call me back and got off the phone

i felt myself being very gentle and kind to him - with suddenly realizing what my triggers are, i am finding myself trying to see how he gets triggered off too.

after calming down and not feeling so defensive today, i started to think that maybe i was wrong about his reactions yesterday, and that what i was seeing was not him angry at me, but simply him struggling very hard - with what he was doing, hearing about it and also struggling with what he had to do.

the therapist clearly asked him to begin modeling for s - by expressing his own emotions. that must be terribly scary for him - he doesn't have a male model to follow - both his father and gr. father are stone statues - his uncles on his mom's side are warm and loving but he is quite disdainful of them - the way he was of me whenever i was "emotional". i see now clearly that that disdain is actually great fear, because he simply did not know how to handle his own emotions he couldn't begin to handle anyone else's

so i shall try to be kind as he goes through what must be a terribly painful and scary time. and his casually asking me tonight if we should continue that conversation, one could almost see as him asking for help

how could i help him find his way in this, so that i am not doing the work but just supporting him? he told me a few weeks ago that he was terribly afraid of coming back that he felt terribly vulnerable - i thought he meant because he had an A and was scared i couldn't forgive him

but no, now i see that he feels terribly vulnerable because for the first 2 months after the separation, he cried and poured his heart out and bared his soul - and he's petrified i won't take care of it if he comes back


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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