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Originally Posted By: netmaster


Rememeber one of my objectives is to get back under the same roof and start having dialogue. Believe it or not I slept over Sat, Sun, and Monday night and it wasn't akward for me at all. I don't know if it was akward for her because we don't talk R. I just was a helpful dad and friend to her. I did hug her a few times about the dog but she was an absolute mess. I was careful not to over do this either because I didn't want her to think my hugs were for me. They truly were for her. I swapped to rubbing back when she was crying and just letting her know she was a perfect dog owner etc..


Re-read this, you are pursuing. You are not giving her the space she is asking for. KD is really trying to help, try to re-read what he posted to you.


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Autumn she ASKED me to stay over. What do I say no everytime. I say no sometimes

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Originally Posted By: netmaster

My goal is to keep my family together. The way to do this is to change my behaviors. I'm counseling myself and trying to balance not being a doormat but being a good friend and father during this process. Not easy.


It may be your goal...

It isn't her goal right now.

ANYTHING that goes against her goal, She will see as pursuit , and control.

No body here, will tell you that your goal isn't admirable. It is the goal of almost everyone that posts here.

Your goals are for you, and it is frustrating watching you try and force YOUR goals onto her....



Originally Posted By: netmaster
You tell me to give my W what she wants or feels she wants. That doesn't make sense cuz what she feels she wants is a D. I'm not going to promote that in anyway.


What you don't see, is that by "not promoting it" , you are actually working toward just that.

By placing all of your emphasis on it NOT happening, it is actually creating a nice little warm and fuzzy nesting place for it to hatch....

By you not allowing things to happen as they will....is you once again...trying to control her thoughts and actions.

To control and manipulate her, into making the only decision that YOU feel is the right one for her....



Originally Posted By: netmaster

Rememeber one of my objectives is to get back under the same roof and start having dialogue. Believe it or not I slept over Sat, Sun, and Monday night and it wasn't akward for me at all. I don't know if it was akward for her because we don't talk R. I just was a helpful dad and friend to her. I did hug her a few times about the dog but she was an absolute mess. I was careful not to over do this either because I didn't want her to think my hugs were for me. They truly were for her. I swapped to rubbing back when she was crying and just letting her know she was a perfect dog owner etc..



Not true....

As KD said earlier...

You hugging her, served YOU....

Dis she ask you to hug her ???

And goes against EVERYTHING that you said here \/ \/ \/ \/


Originally Posted By: netmaster

I believe I have been giving my W what she wants which is space. I don't question a thing she does or ask her a thing she does.



One of the things we say here often, is to let your actions speak louder than your words...

What were they saying here ???



Originally Posted By: netmaster

Am I missing something



Are you ??

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Bro my dog died I got nothing out of the hug she was an absolute mess. But I get what your saying.

How am I trying to control her man?? I do all my kids and gal stuff. I only slept there for Easter and dying dog. Only reason and I didn't want to sleep there last night she asked me to cuz she had 2 hours of sleep.

Slap me please

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this forum confuses me honestly. I am a doormat. I am figuring that out tonight.

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What about this forum confuses you exactly?

Yes, DB is counterintuitive.

It isn't just about only taking care of the kids and GAL...

It isn't simply about detatching although sometimes it can seem like that is the only message.

It is about learning, growing, accepting that we EACH are our own people, inside and outside the context of M.


Net,

I realize that many of the things you do, you do because your W asks you to.

Personally, I think you use the excuse of her asking you things as permission to not own your own choices.

And while I don't know that you are a doormat, you may be on your way to becoming one. You allow yourself to be at her beck and call.

I understand that being more cooperative and agreeable, being her support system, her help, would SEEM like the way to reconciliation.

It could, but at what cost?

It could also be seen as pursuit by our S, and that would push them away most of the time.

Why would we do something that can push them further from us if our goal is reconciliation?

See, counterintuitive.

Neither I or anyone on this forum is saying be a total a$$ either, but you have to find that balance...

Where you are not sucked in to the emotional vortex every time the two of you interact. Where you can say NO if you want to. Where you can be open to growing a R, but open to it while not knowing what the definition of that R is yet.

So yes, you need to detatch. You need to let go of expectations of what each interaction means or doesn't mean.

Maybe the best way for you to look at it right now, is that you guys are friends. And tailor your ACTIONS accordingly.

Would you have hugged a friend multiple times and slept over if their dog passed (I am sorry for that BTW). Would you have switched from hugs to back rubs to make that friend less uncomfortable, or maybe would there have been maybe ONE hug and no more physical contact?



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Uh oh Net you got Mach and the Cat on you. Ya better pay close attention.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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That is the key I don't have balance. I should have hugged her once. I slept there extra night for dog, first night I had to to watch kids.

The balance is where I get hammered and yes the vortex of our interactions. I did Easter night for kids and glad I did

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I just don't get how to have balance with 2 small kids and some many activities going on with them. It is so TOUGH. Tonight I coached his team. She was there. After I put them in the car and said goodbye. In other words I tried to go back to separation mode from where I was helping with the dog situation mode. It was a tough transition but I did it.

Nothing against KD posts but they are to cryptic for my dumbass. Cat post I understood more. Maybe they are both telling me the same thing in different ways.

I don't know how to drive more space without being an a$$. Detach when we interact so much together cuz of kids. it seems so impossible. The closet thing I did was that tonight. By putting the kids in the car and saying goodnight.

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Originally Posted By: netmaster
I just don't get how to have balance with 2 small kids and some many activities going on with them. It is so TOUGH. Tonight I coached his team. She was there. After I put them in the car and said goodbye. In other words I tried to go back to separation mode from where I was helping with the dog situation mode. It was a tough transition but I did it.

Nothing against KD posts but they are to cryptic for my dumbass. Cat post I understood more. Maybe they are both telling me the same thing in different ways.

I don't know how to drive more space without being an a$$. Detach when we interact so much together cuz of kids. it seems so impossible. The closet thing I did was that tonight. By putting the kids in the car and saying goodnight.


Net - the next time your W calls and needs to you to step in with the kids on a day that is not your day, you need to have other plans. The next time she asks you to help her with something, you need to be too busy to help. Turn down every other invitation to get together, because you are just too damn busy!

That is how you'll create additional space. Make sense?


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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