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#2236949 04/10/12 09:24 PM
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jks Offline OP
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New thread...

H's mom never called me back... very typical. These are the people that have been the closest to me in my whole life and this is the way I get treated. It is a bit ridiculous.

Old thread...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2236375&page=1


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Hi JKS,

You're doing great, all that pain and angst is normal. Keep venting, keep "acting as if" for H. Meetup is a great resource for GAL, I'm in several groups myself and it's usually really fun.

Re-read the sections in DivorceBusting about advice from friends and involving H's family, there is really good advice in there. Your friends will tell you to end it because they hate seeing you in pain, and to them, divorce seems like the quickest and easiest way to make the pain end. They have no idea what you're going through or how you feel, and they can't give you good advice unless they've walked in your shoes, which they haven't. Thank them and tell them that you're really looking for support versus advice, and that you're doing what is right for you.

Generally involving H's parents or extended family is a bad idea and really never works. If you think it through, would you marry someone because your mom told you to? Would you break up with someone because your mom told you to? If H came back to you because his mom told him to, do you think that would last? That's the problem with that strategy -- it feels great when you think of it, because you believe you'll have a sympathetic ally who holds some influence with your spouse. Unfortunately, they really don't have this kind of influence. It's more likely that they'll just make H feel ashamed, and he will blame those negative feelings he's having on you. He'll also blame you for going behind his back, for trying to use his family against him, etc. etc. etc.

One useful bit of advice I got is that everything you do right now needs to be measured against a yardstick of resentment. If I do this, will it make H resent me more or less? Things that will trigger resentment:

-- Making H responsible for your feelings: acting sad around him, letting him know through others how sad you are, telling him how hurt/sad you are, commenting about your life is not as good as it could be. Making innuendos that if he hadn't done this to you, you wouldn't have to deal with XYZ now.

-- Making H responsible for the kids' problems: telling H that the kids are sad because of him, that the kids are acting out because of what he did, etc. etc. He knows.

-- Pursuing: pursuing implies expectations that H will do something in response. He knows what you expect, and when he doesn't reciprocate, he feels guilty

-- Shaming / criticizing / chastising: telling H how immoral his behavior is, that good people don't do that kind of thing, that he's insensitive, etc. etc. etc. All that does is make him resent you for making him feel badly.

All of these behaviors create negative feelings, and he identifies you as the source of those feelings and therefore wants to avoid you, because he doesn't want to feel like that.

How do you avoid resentment?

-- Act as if: Act as if you are happy, and that you don't need H to do anything to support your mood or emotional wellbeing. If H comes back great, and if he doesn't that's ok too.

-- Normalize: If you are talking about things H has done to you, normalize it. i.e. "it's normal to enjoy attention from members of the opposite sex -- that's a human quality that everyone has". "Our relationship had issues that we both contributed to", etc. etc. The point is that you got here together, versus giving the impression that you were a paragon of righteousness and he torpedoed you out of the blue. (Even if that's true, keep it to yourself for now!)

Very hard to do, but so very critical right now. When H thinks of you he can either visualize a broken down shack with an overgrown weed lot and storm clouds overhead, or a nicely painted house with a neatly trimmed lawn and a picket fence. You want to create the mental image of the latter. This is the process of keeping the road home paved smooth.

That is not the same as accepting what he has done. It's just pursuing what you want, which is a reconciled marriage. You will have time to deal with what happened later, once he's bought into reconciliation.

You're doing fine, it will get better!

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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Thank you, Accuray. How are you such a wealth of knowledge? Everything you say makes such perfect sense. I appreciate the advice... you really have no idea.

And actually while my mom and her H were talking to me about ending my M, I kept telling them that I just need them to support me and at times I'm really just venting. I NEED TO VENT OUT LOUD! And they said, well we need to vent too. This hurts us to see you hurting so much.

So I feel I probably can't have my venting sessions with them because they just don't get it. However, they live with me so they're readily available for me to talk to when my emotions are going crazy. Hard thing to balance...


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 96
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Thanks for the post on resentment Accuray, I am going to print it out right now. Your words rang true for me.


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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No problem fightingforit, I have no doubt that receiving that advice very early on was a key reason I was able to get to piecing. Resentment is like DB poison and it's so easy to inflict if you're not very careful.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Originally Posted By: jks
So I feel I probably can't have my venting sessions with them because they just don't get it.


Keep venting to them, and keep ignoring their advice. laugh

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 127
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Wish I had read this earlier...I vent to my mom and goodness knows she tries, but when the H continues to be cruel and hurtful, she can't help herself. Thanks everyone for posting here. It is a life saver in this sea of s*&%

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I'm having the same issue with my mom and certain friends...they are just like "why would you want to stay married to a man like that?" It's hard!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Yep, before I got cheated on I never believed I would tolerate cheating -- I was sure I'd be right out the door, and that people who stayed after being cheated on were weak.

I think that's a common way to think about it, fueled by books and movies that always represent remorseful spouses who come crawling back with tears in their eyes.

Once I was actually in that position I felt very differently. I had to do a "gut-check" about what I really wanted and why. Once I decided I wanted my family intact, I realized that leaving would actually be the easier choice and it was staying that required great strength and opened the door to personal change. If I didn't pursue the changes "for me" I was pretty sure I would be right back in the same situation with someone new. I also realized that with three kids and property entanglements, there would be no clean break. I'm attached to W and our issues whether we divorce or not.an

I don't think that someone who hasn't gone through it has any chance of understanding and its impossible to explain. You just have to ask that they respect and support your decisions, and trust that you know you are acting in your own best interest.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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Posts: 623
Talked with H today. He told me he doesn't think things are going to work between us. So he basically ended it. He wants to get together to figure out our finances and how we're going to make this R work for our kids.

My son told me today that he did see OW this while he was with my H. So I know that he has continued to see her. However, he stated that he hasn't slept with her again. But now that he's told me what he wants, I'm sure that will start to continue.

I am devastated. The biggest pit in my stomach. I want to just be numb to the world.

All I could say to him the whole time was... ok. Nothing more.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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