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#2236949 - 04/10/12 05:24 PM Needing some guidance... 2
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
New thread...

H's mom never called me back... very typical. These are the people that have been the closest to me in my whole life and this is the way I get treated. It is a bit ridiculous.

Old thread...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2236375&page=1
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2236963 - 04/10/12 06:17 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Hi JKS,

You're doing great, all that pain and angst is normal. Keep venting, keep "acting as if" for H. Meetup is a great resource for GAL, I'm in several groups myself and it's usually really fun.

Re-read the sections in DivorceBusting about advice from friends and involving H's family, there is really good advice in there. Your friends will tell you to end it because they hate seeing you in pain, and to them, divorce seems like the quickest and easiest way to make the pain end. They have no idea what you're going through or how you feel, and they can't give you good advice unless they've walked in your shoes, which they haven't. Thank them and tell them that you're really looking for support versus advice, and that you're doing what is right for you.

Generally involving H's parents or extended family is a bad idea and really never works. If you think it through, would you marry someone because your mom told you to? Would you break up with someone because your mom told you to? If H came back to you because his mom told him to, do you think that would last? That's the problem with that strategy -- it feels great when you think of it, because you believe you'll have a sympathetic ally who holds some influence with your spouse. Unfortunately, they really don't have this kind of influence. It's more likely that they'll just make H feel ashamed, and he will blame those negative feelings he's having on you. He'll also blame you for going behind his back, for trying to use his family against him, etc. etc. etc.

One useful bit of advice I got is that everything you do right now needs to be measured against a yardstick of resentment. If I do this, will it make H resent me more or less? Things that will trigger resentment:

-- Making H responsible for your feelings: acting sad around him, letting him know through others how sad you are, telling him how hurt/sad you are, commenting about your life is not as good as it could be. Making innuendos that if he hadn't done this to you, you wouldn't have to deal with XYZ now.

-- Making H responsible for the kids' problems: telling H that the kids are sad because of him, that the kids are acting out because of what he did, etc. etc. He knows.

-- Pursuing: pursuing implies expectations that H will do something in response. He knows what you expect, and when he doesn't reciprocate, he feels guilty

-- Shaming / criticizing / chastising: telling H how immoral his behavior is, that good people don't do that kind of thing, that he's insensitive, etc. etc. etc. All that does is make him resent you for making him feel badly.

All of these behaviors create negative feelings, and he identifies you as the source of those feelings and therefore wants to avoid you, because he doesn't want to feel like that.

How do you avoid resentment?

-- Act as if: Act as if you are happy, and that you don't need H to do anything to support your mood or emotional wellbeing. If H comes back great, and if he doesn't that's ok too.

-- Normalize: If you are talking about things H has done to you, normalize it. i.e. "it's normal to enjoy attention from members of the opposite sex -- that's a human quality that everyone has". "Our relationship had issues that we both contributed to", etc. etc. The point is that you got here together, versus giving the impression that you were a paragon of righteousness and he torpedoed you out of the blue. (Even if that's true, keep it to yourself for now!)

Very hard to do, but so very critical right now. When H thinks of you he can either visualize a broken down shack with an overgrown weed lot and storm clouds overhead, or a nicely painted house with a neatly trimmed lawn and a picket fence. You want to create the mental image of the latter. This is the process of keeping the road home paved smooth.

That is not the same as accepting what he has done. It's just pursuing what you want, which is a reconciled marriage. You will have time to deal with what happened later, once he's bought into reconciliation.

You're doing fine, it will get better!

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2236968 - 04/10/12 06:32 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Thank you, Accuray. How are you such a wealth of knowledge? Everything you say makes such perfect sense. I appreciate the advice... you really have no idea.

And actually while my mom and her H were talking to me about ending my M, I kept telling them that I just need them to support me and at times I'm really just venting. I NEED TO VENT OUT LOUD! And they said, well we need to vent too. This hurts us to see you hurting so much.

So I feel I probably can't have my venting sessions with them because they just don't get it. However, they live with me so they're readily available for me to talk to when my emotions are going crazy. Hard thing to balance...
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2236969 - 04/10/12 06:33 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96
Thanks for the post on resentment Accuray, I am going to print it out right now. Your words rang true for me.
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2237023 - 04/10/12 08:58 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: fightingforit]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
No problem fightingforit, I have no doubt that receiving that advice very early on was a key reason I was able to get to piecing. Resentment is like DB poison and it's so easy to inflict if you're not very careful.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2237024 - 04/10/12 08:59 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Originally Posted By: jks
So I feel I probably can't have my venting sessions with them because they just don't get it.


Keep venting to them, and keep ignoring their advice. laugh

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2237037 - 04/10/12 09:50 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
AprilT Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 127
Loc: Georgia
Wish I had read this earlier...I vent to my mom and goodness knows she tries, but when the H continues to be cruel and hurtful, she can't help herself. Thanks everyone for posting here. It is a life saver in this sea of s*&%

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#2237058 - 04/10/12 11:43 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 283
I'm having the same issue with my mom and certain friends...they are just like "why would you want to stay married to a man like that?" It's hard!
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

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#2237077 - 04/11/12 07:27 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: hopingandpraying]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Yep, before I got cheated on I never believed I would tolerate cheating -- I was sure I'd be right out the door, and that people who stayed after being cheated on were weak.

I think that's a common way to think about it, fueled by books and movies that always represent remorseful spouses who come crawling back with tears in their eyes.

Once I was actually in that position I felt very differently. I had to do a "gut-check" about what I really wanted and why. Once I decided I wanted my family intact, I realized that leaving would actually be the easier choice and it was staying that required great strength and opened the door to personal change. If I didn't pursue the changes "for me" I was pretty sure I would be right back in the same situation with someone new. I also realized that with three kids and property entanglements, there would be no clean break. I'm attached to W and our issues whether we divorce or not.an

I don't think that someone who hasn't gone through it has any chance of understanding and its impossible to explain. You just have to ask that they respect and support your decisions, and trust that you know you are acting in your own best interest.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2237196 - 04/11/12 01:22 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Talked with H today. He told me he doesn't think things are going to work between us. So he basically ended it. He wants to get together to figure out our finances and how we're going to make this R work for our kids.

My son told me today that he did see OW this while he was with my H. So I know that he has continued to see her. However, he stated that he hasn't slept with her again. But now that he's told me what he wants, I'm sure that will start to continue.

I am devastated. The biggest pit in my stomach. I want to just be numb to the world.

All I could say to him the whole time was... ok. Nothing more.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2237201 - 04/11/12 01:43 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 283
I am so sorry to hear this. My heart hurts for you! Keep your head up, girl! I'm sorry I don't have much advice to offer seeing I'm in the same situation. I've decided that I am going to allow him to make all the moves towards divorce and let him initiate things...don't know how it will work, but that's what I'm doing.
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

Top
#2237220 - 04/11/12 02:29 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: hopingandpraying]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
JKS,

This is not your fault. This reflects poorly on him, not on you. You have been trying to save your marriage and protect your kids, that's the most admirable thing you can do.

Don't allow him to tell you when things are over. Feel free to disagree, feel free to pursue your own timeline and your own goals. Remember -- don't believe what they say.

My W told me she wanted a divorce. I asked her if there was any chance of reconciliation and she said "absolutely none, I'm done".

She's still here.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

Top
#2237226 - 04/11/12 02:50 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Sorry JKS, that is such tough news to receive. I have heard it as well and it was very painful. 1 day at a time and Ray is right, my waw has said it a few times and we are still seperated w/ no R in site but no papers yet.

This will not be easy but you are doing great and you are not alone.

It WILL get better!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2237311 - 04/11/12 08:56 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: sayitaintso]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Accuray, I get what you're saying and I want to not believe what he says. However, I don't see this OW going anywhere any time soon. She is here to stay and I'm pretty sure as soon as my H feels its ok, he will be moving in with her. They have been friends for almost 6 years. And something that really bothered me that she had mentioned when I went over to her house was in their profession... they're both cops... she said that they have to be there for one another when they are out responding to calls and the situations they go through are very intense. High intense situations very often bring people closer together in a very different way. She said its like we've formed this family. So they've bonded with each other on a level that I can't even comprehend. I will never have that with him.

I've tried to talk myself into believing that this affair will never last but, honestly, I think she's just what he's always wanted. I think for a long time he has realized that I am not at all the person he thought he was marrying. But instead of really acknowledging it, he decided to work through it on his own and try to fix everything.

A lot of times I doubt our R too just because he has seen what its like to be with someone who has the qualities he has always wanted. For him to look back at me and think, I'd really like to try things out again with her seems pretty unlikely.

Maybe if this woman died or something would I ever have a chance, but that is also very unlikely. (Not that I wish her dead... just wish she would leave us alone.)
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2237316 - 04/11/12 09:05 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Originally Posted By: jks
I think for a long time he has realized that I am not at all the person he thought he was marrying. But instead of really acknowledging it, he decided to work through it on his own and try to fix everything.

A lot of times I doubt our R too just because he has seen what its like to be with someone who has the qualities he has always wanted. For him to look back at me and think, I'd really like to try things out again with her seems pretty unlikely.
...just wish she would leave us alone.)


JKS, please do not put yourself down. I know it is so easy to do that in this type of situation, but you do not deserve that at all. You are a wonderful and lovely person in your own right!

The only way you will 'win' is by being yourself in all your glory and wonderful uniqueness, and by standing up for yourself. That shines like a star in the night and everyone notices that!

Also, he married you because you were different from him. This OW is just like him - and sure that level of compatibility is potentially intoxicating, but friendship is very different from intimate relationship. Whole different ball game. So, let it do it's thing, while you be the best YOU you are.

Don't give up.

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#2237325 - 04/11/12 09:23 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: YankeeCandle]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Thank you, Yankee. I want to keep my mindset there and I hope I can.

I felt when I was on the phone with my H today that I was very strong. I wanted so badly to fight what he was saying and ask a million questions and instead I just let it go. I accepted what he was saying and I accepted that this is his life and this is what he wants. Several months ago I would have never been able to do that. This is one huge change on my part.

It will only get harder, I'm afraid. I now have to be able to talk about the details of how we're going to make this work without being emotional and showing him that I'm ok. Easier said than done.

I also don't know how I'm going to be able to handle him continuing to sleep with this OW. Its one thing for him to do it behind my back but now for him to continue on with it when he knows that I know is pretty harsh.

This type of behavior should be illegal. The amount of pain and anguish that it causes a family is unbelievable.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2237328 - 04/11/12 09:37 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10332
If the woman were gone, your H still wouldn't be going back to you. Or at least he will for the short term until something else comes around. There's something broken inside of him so as hard as it is, you can't beat yourself up over that.

Are you still living with your mom? If so, I would suggest moving back home and reclaim your home. In ever interaction, show him what he'd be missing. And I'm not talking about the compassionate you, I mean the you that got his fires burning in the first place. Men are fairly simple creatures. Once he sees that you've moved on, he'll start rethinking things.

Keep getting stronger and just keep remembering that you are the one who is worth it.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2237330 - 04/11/12 09:47 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Agreed, the pain and anguish is terrible. H selected you because there is something about you that he needed.

When H chooses OW, he either looks for someone who is the opposite of you, or someone who is very similar to you. If he chooses very similar, he's probably going to run into the same issues. If he chooses opposite, that's going to feel like a relief and a wonderful change in the short term, but it's doomed for failure because that's not what he needs longer term. Whatever it was about you that he needed and OM does not have, he will miss, and will eventually recognize that he needs to replace it, either by getting you back, or by finding someone like you. If she is very different from you, that is good news. He may have thought he wanted that, but he'll figure out it doesn't work for him.

Usually the things we love are the flipsides of the things we hate. It's a "ying yang" of relationships. We love people who are affectionate, but hate people who are clingy, which are often characteristics of the same behavior. We love people who engage with us, but can be bothered by people who depend on us. Once again, two sides of the same behavior. We like people who are funny, but don't like people who are insensitive. We like people who are confident, but we want to feel wanted, etc. etc. etc.

The complaints that H has about you are probably the other side of the things about you that he wants and needs. Your challenge is to maximize the Ying and minimize the Yang as it were. Your personality is your personality, but you can manage those traits to your advantage. Figure out what your good/bad flipsides are and make sure H sees the good side of it when you're in contact with him.

In terms of figuring out how this is going to work going forward, no rush. Tell H you're not ready to have those discussions yet. If he won't leave it open-ended, pick some number of weeks and agree to do it then. Do not feel any need to help him figure anything out. Don't propose any solutions, just accept or reject what he puts forth. You don't need to be his friend or his helper right now.

In terms of what OW said, I'd ignore that. There's nothing special about their relationship. If you look at Pat Love's website and download the resources about an "Office Spouse", all EA's tend to begin with people working together on some project and bonding over the experience, and they could just be a couple accountants. She does not have the inside track, you are the mother of his children, you have more shared history, you are the incumbent, and the best wife he could have.

In terms of how you handled his phone call, bravo! That was first class DB'ing!

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2237333 - 04/11/12 09:50 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Also, the fact that they work together will work against them, if they live together and work together they never get a break. When they need space, they'll have no where to go. No matter how much you love someone, constant contact is going to get on someone's nerves.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2237378 - 04/12/12 04:19 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
You are all going to be so not proud of me but I went to OW's house tonight to see if my H would be there. Seeing as how he ended things with me today I knew that he would now find it ok to continue his affair with her. Well, because the neighbor across the street tells me when she sees his car and he knows that, I knew that he wouldn't park it in front of her house. So I drove around the block and lo and behold, there was his car parked a block away.

So I immediately went to her house at 11:30 at night and rang her doorbell because I knew that they were both in there. I called his phone and hers and texted him to please come out. He finally came out and I was irate.

It was raining so I went inside and argued with him for a good hour with her standing by the side putting her two cents in. I wanted to throw her through the window so many times. I'm actually quite glad that I was able to say all the things that I wanted to because it opened my eyes to a lot.

My H stated that he doesn't believe that we ever had that strong of a connection. And the connection that he has with OW is something he's never experienced before. His values in the religion that we belong to have completely diminished. He doesn't feel the same way about it at all. This is huge to me and is definitely something that I know I would never be able to get over.

All in all, I'm feeling like I can finally let go of him. He's been lying to me for so long about who he really is and so therefore I don't really know him. And this person that he's become is not the person I would want to be married to anyway. I truly mean this. And with the way his family has been treating me, I'm actually feeling like I can let go of them too.

This was my way of getting that release. And I really feel ok about it.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2237379 - 04/12/12 04:20 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Btw, they don't work directly with each other anymore but might again in the future. I am not worried though. I feel like this is my turning point where I can truly move on.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2237399 - 04/12/12 09:00 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Hi JKS,

Write down everything you're feeling about your sitch right now. You should expect to swing back to wanting him back very badly, and it may help to review later what you write down now. I'm sorry you had such a painful night, although sometimes it does feel great to say what you need to say and get it off your chest.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2237406 - 04/12/12 09:32 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Yeah, I'm already sad. But what can you do. I think my DBing is over.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2237441 - 04/12/12 11:57 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Only you can decide that, as long as you want to save your marriage you can continue to DB regardless of what H does. When you decide you are done, then you are done regardless of what H does. It's all about you.

Even if you decide to stop wanting to reconcile, continue to post as you get your feet back under you. It helps to vent and to journal. No one is going to judge you poorly for deciding you're done.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2237450 - 04/12/12 12:09 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I am very done. It is very apparent to me now. More than ever.

I will continue to post. You are right, the venting will be a lifesaver.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2237522 - 04/12/12 04:41 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
I'm really glad you have your family in the same house to support you. Making a decision can give you peace as you're no longer in limbo. Have you spoken to a lawyer yet to understand your options? I would make sure to do that before you say anything to H about what your plans are going forward. Often they will give you a free consultation. If you are seeing IC or MC ask for a referral if you don't have a lawyer already.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2237523 - 04/12/12 04:43 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
(H is in for a surprise when he sees what the child support and spousal support is going to look like, he's in for 17 years of that with D1 -- yikes!)

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2239059 - 04/19/12 02:02 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
When my H's already talking with OW about how we're going to be co-parenting our children, I'm not so sure that is a great sign.

Picked up my S4 from school today after being with my H for a few days and he immediately told me that he went swimming with OW and my H. But not to tell anyone because he wasn't supposed to tell me. My H told him not to because I would be sad.

Isn't that a little ridiculous? Did he really think my S4 wasn't going to say anything?

I am miserable these days. I feel so trapped in everything I do. I'm trying to find my own place so I can have peace of mind of starting on my own.

Everyone tells me that the R between H and OW won't last but I'm just not so sure. I am devastated that this is the woman that will be influencing my daughters. What a great role model to have in a woman that has no problem with sleeping with a married man. Makes me sick.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2239115 - 04/19/12 08:39 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
JKS,

Yes, that totally sux! That will certainly be a big adjustment for OW to co-parent 3 little kids if she's never had any herself. That may be a nice shot of reality as time passes. You know other people's little kids are great fun if you catch them in the right moments, but if you had to live with them 24x7, it's a real challenge. I have been thinking that when H and OW take the kids for a week, that's going to be a shock to her for sure.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

Top
#2239117 - 04/19/12 09:08 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
So sorry w/ how your feeling lately JKS, the pain can be almost unbearable at times. You are not alone in this and we are here to support you.

The acts of our WAS's never cease to amaze me and can be so frustrating and destructful. I can't believe your h asked your 4-year old to essentially lie to you, that is just so wrong IMO.

What are your GAL activities? Try to just focus on those and your kids. Even if they are small steps they gain momentum and really helped me detach from the mess I felt my w was creating.

Best to you JKS
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2239147 - 04/19/12 10:24 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: sayitaintso]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
All I have been doing is spending time with friends. I'm constantly trying to keep myself surrounded by people that support me. I'm trying to stay involved in my church as much as I can. Today I'm doing a photography workshop to gain inspiration and better my technique for my business. I've also applied for a job and am waiting to hear back this week.

I just can't escape the pain no matter how hard I try which makes me feel trapped in every way. I keep trying to tell myself that I am better than this. I am not the one that made these awful decisions and I held true to my marriage. But somehow I keep feeling like I'm being punished for having depression. When I was at my lowest, my H bailed instead of helping me through it.

I told him that I don't want to see or talk to him anymore. And I'm going to make that happen. When he drops off and picks up the kids, my mom comes to the door. I know I can only do this for so long but for now it helps me feel like he doesn't exist anymore. Its my only way to be able to cope.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2239982 - 04/23/12 02:01 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I had a great time at the photography workshop I went to last weekend. There was actually a good looking male photographer there that I was finding myself very attracted to and it made me realize that there is life out there for me with someone else. It feels very empowering and I'm starting to feel alive again. I've been losing myself in this mess and I've felt very defeated for a long time now. No more. I am better than this.

I've continued to cut off all communication with H and will continue to do it for as long as I can. I've also continued to look for a job and for a place to live that I will love. Good things are ahead of me, I can feel it. smile
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2239988 - 04/23/12 05:39 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
jks, you sound so good! GAL is what has helped me, too. i'm so happy for you! keep getting out there!
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2239994 - 04/23/12 07:22 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: scaredsilly]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Good for you JKS, it can be so helpful to get outside your sitch and gain some perspective

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

Top
#2240363 - 04/24/12 10:58 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
H kept texting me (and called once) over the weekend asking me to have the kids call him. He hasn't had them since last Weds morning and won't have them until this Fri because of his work schedule. I ignored him until he started to get all huffy about it. I finally told him that I will have them call him but from now on he can't be doing this. I don't harass him while he has the kids and I told him he needs to respect my space. Talking with him makes me so angry and sad and then I take it out on my kids and I'm so sick of it. I had such a great weekend and then he ruins it all just by talking to me. Just by existing... it is ridiculous.

He told me that he's not trying to hurt me anymore and he will always feel horrible for the way things happened. But since we have kids we still have to communicate. And he may not be feeling what I'm feeling but he is also hurting.

The only thing he is hurting for is his kids. I have no sympathy for him. He will never have an inkling of how much he has hurt me. When he's hurting he just goes and has sex with OW and makes himself feel better. So pathetic. I'm not interested in listening to anything he has to say so I told him to leave me alone. All I want to hear from him is when and where he's going to pick up the kids.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240364 - 04/24/12 11:11 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
That's good detaching JKS, you're doing the best you can do. You're a good person, I'm so sorry this has happened in your life.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

Top
#2240368 - 04/24/12 11:18 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
jks,

your last post reminded me how my ex is/was.

Quote:
I ignored him until he started to get all huffy about it. I finally told him that I will have them call him but from now on he can't be doing this.


My ex call the kids on my house phone. I never answer it, it's for the kids not me.


Quote:
Talking with him makes me so angry and sad and then I take it out on my kids and I'm so sick of it. I had such a great weekend and then he ruins it all just by talking to me. Just by existing... it is ridiculous.

Sorry this is happening to you. Why would you let someone like this effect your life? Are you saying he is responsible for YOUR feelings?

Quote:
He told me that he's not trying to hurt me anymore and he will always feel horrible for the way things happened. But since we have kids we still have to communicate. And he may not be feeling what I'm feeling but he is also hurting.

This is classic WAS BS.

Quote:
I have no sympathy for him. He will never have an inkling of how much he has hurt me. When he's hurting he just goes and has sex with OW and makes himself feel better. So pathetic

Yes this is sad. The way people cope with the devastation is remarkable. We as LBS are not responsible to "teach" them.
They must learn on their own. They can't run away from reality.

Quote:
All I want to hear from him is when and where he's going to pick up the kids.


Correct. Communication about the kids is needed.

It sounds like you still have much anger towards him.

Letting go of negative feeling well help you.
gr8
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240402 - 04/24/12 01:02 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I do have A LOT of anger towards him. I went from thinking we were going to be ok to finding out he was having a PA to him saying he wants me back to him saying nevermind I'm "in love" with OW and want a divorce. This all happened in a matter of weeks.

I cannot stand to listen to him talk to me about how much he is hurting and how this is affecting him. These were HIS choices, not mine. Like I said, the only way for me to feel better about the situation is to pretend he doesn't exist and to push him away as much as possible.

I don't know any other way to go about doing it. I'm sure as time goes on I will release the anger but all of this is too raw in my mind. Talking with an attorney about child support and custody was absolutely insane to me. And I told H how much the attorney said he would owe me for child support and alimony and he said, "does he know that I need to live too?"

I guess he should have thought about that. Not my problem anymore.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240410 - 04/24/12 01:26 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Sorry this is happening to you. Why would you let someone like this effect your life? Are you saying he is responsible for YOUR feelings?



I guess all I'm saying is that I am on a path of doing things for myself right now. My focus has been on me and my kids and I have been fine with that and honestly have been feeling good. But then when he continues to keep begging me to have the kids call him when it's "my time" with them it throws me off. I think for at least right now he needs to respect that my time is my time and his is his.

Obviously, there is no way that he can be responsible for my feelings but he cannot expect that I'm just going to be fine and happy with everything that he's done to me. It's like he's chosen to be with this OW but he misses his kids so he's trying to get the best of both worlds. I am not on board.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240471 - 04/24/12 04:43 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
Quote:
I don't know any other way to go about doing it. I'm sure as time goes on I will release the anger but all of this is too raw in my mind. Talking with an attorney about child support and custody was absolutely insane to me. And I told H how much the attorney said he would owe me for child support and alimony and he said, "does he know that I need to live too?"

I guess he should have thought about that. Not my problem anymore.

You're absolutely right.WAS rarely think about the consequences for their action.
BTW, you should not be discussing those points with him. Let your L take care of the legal stuff.

My ex did the same thing, left, came back after a 15 months and then left again. I know where you're speaking from.
Take care of yourself and kids first.
Quote:
My focus has been on me and my kids and I have been fine with that and honestly have been feeling good.
thumbs up.

Quote:
But then when he continues to keep begging me to have the kids call him when it's "my time" with them it throws me off. I think for at least right now he needs to respect that my time is my time and his is his.


can you tell me more about this sitch?
For me when my WAW called the house, she only wanted to speak to the kids. I had my 4YO answer the phone. Of course she tried to say "mommy wants to tlak to you". She is quite the smart cookie. It time I learned to say to D4 that the call was her time to talk and Daddy will talk to mommy later.

Don't get invovled with him texting you to have the kids call him. Set your boundary once.

Removing yourself from is life may cause his reality to set in. Then again it may not.
I'm going in 3 years, and it was until last month that my Ex admitted to a friend that life is not greener on the other side.

You should not be on board sharing your H with any one.
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240488 - 04/24/12 05:35 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
His problem all along has been splitting up our family. He wants his kids in his life all the time just as much as I do. He is very much a family man. This is why it's so hard for me to watch him do this and have no control. This past week I have had the kids a lot longer than usual due to his work schedule and I know it kills him to be away from them as long as he has. But he feels his "love" for OW is going to make him so much happier in life and so sharing the kids like we do is worth it. (He did tell me that if OW wasn't in the picture that he would want to work things out with me.)

But because he's missing his kids so much he's texting me saying, will you please have the kids call me? Here's my thing... I don't want to have to deal with him, whether it's through my kids or not, more than absolutely necessary. It hurts me that he doesn't want to talk to me. It hurts me to watch them talk to him and wish so much that I could be a part of it. It hurts when he picks them up and drives away without a care in the world. I still have the urge to just get in the car with him and go. Like I said, everything is too raw right now and I know eventually it won't bother me but right now I'm in survival mode. I don't think having them call him is absolutely necessary. And I NEVER call him asking to talk to the kids or request that he has them call me. I respect the fact that he has his time with them and leave it at that.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240550 - 04/24/12 10:24 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
Jks.

It's been a long time since I had those feeling when we made the exchanges.
My ex was so into family that I couldn't understand why/how she could ever do something like D. U
Our sitches are so similar in this aspect.
The pain does resonate at this stage. In time the exchanges do get better.
What work for me to have her second guess her decision was durin the exchanges I would update her what was going on with the kids. All informative stuff. I didn't have negative feelings when I dropped them off.
When she dropped them off I had uncharacteristic music for me playing in the backround. I had pics of the kids hanging in view and I always looked and smelled good.

But the thing I really believe that brought her back was the fact she found out I was happy and " dating".

That's a whole other topic here. But it worked for me.

continue to TCB with the kids and protect yourself financially.

Let him really "feel" what life without you feels like.
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240555 - 04/24/12 10:32 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2502
Loc: Piney Land
Great day so dating for u worked? I think that would make my W think twice if I did that. I dunno? Might try it nothing to lose at this point. Whada u think?
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2240604 - 04/25/12 02:54 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Rick1963]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I am definitely trying to date. However, finding people to date a young mother of three is a bit challenging. I've talked to several guys online but I think they all get scared away by the kid factor. Three is a lot to take on. And they're so little still.

So you don't think it's a good idea that I'm just not around when he comes by to pick up and drop off the kids? For me, it allows me not to backslide. If I don't see him I can move forward easier. I can detach. And he truly will see what life is like without me because he won't be physically seeing me for a long time. I just wonder what your thoughts are on this. I feel like I need to get even more passed this before I can start having normal conversations about the kids with him and not fall apart.

In fact, that is the hardest part... having "normal" conversations where we're both happy and ok. Because then I just look at us and think, why is this happening? We are so normal with each other. And the friendlier we are with each other the more I want him back. But to him I am just not attractive. Well, he says I'm physically attractive but he's not attracted TO me.

I don't want to be attracted to him anymore. I want to forget that feeling. So by not seeing him I'm making myself forget. Does this make sense?
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240609 - 04/25/12 06:02 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Rick1963]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
Quote:
Great day so dating for u worked? I think that would make my W think twice if I did that. I dunno? Might try it nothing to lose at this point. Whada u think?

Rick, I can honestly say dating did work for ME. When she heard I was dating someone she broke down and cried.
I finally accepted she didn't want to work on the M. It may have been a little too early for me to get serious with someone but it did make her think twice about her actions.

People generally want what they cant have. When the ex called me that one day she was crying on the phone saying she wanted me.
I caved too fast and accepted her "false" feelings.

She didnt do any work on herself but I wanted us back together no matter what.
That's the hard part- knowing when their intentions are genuine.

Rick, I don't suggest dating until you have completely detached. It's not fair to the other person.
That doesn't mean you cant go out for coffee with OW.
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240610 - 04/25/12 06:16 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
I am definitely trying to date. However, finding people to date a young mother of three is a bit challenging. I've talked to several guys online but I think they all get scared away by the kid factor. Three is a lot to take on. And they're so little still.

jks, if those "men" are intimidated by the fact you have three kids then they aren't man enough.
I'm sure at your age you get a lot of younger guy trolling for sex, no?
Geez I've spoken to women in their early 40s who get those emails all the time.
Quote:

So you don't think it's a good idea that I'm just not around when he comes by to pick up and drop off the kids?

I don't think this is a good idea. The way I handled it was to treat my ex as a baby sitter. I only talk about the kids and what was going on with them, eg.... d7 has a cold and I gave her medicine.

It is hard at first, but it will get easier with each exchange.
Quote:

Well, he says I'm physically attractive but he's not attracted TO me.



Have you read 5 Languages of Love?

What was it that initially attracted him to you besides your looks?

Quote:
I don't want to be attracted to him anymore. I want to forget that feeling. So by not seeing him I'm making myself forget. Does this make sense?

You not wanting to be attracted to him is still your anger coming out. Keep focusing on your kids and use your alone time to get out and enjoy yourself.

gr8
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240653 - 04/25/12 11:27 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
jks, another thing I thought about when I was driving to work.

After I wrote a letter to my ex validating her feelings and saying "I get it now" ((I have to look up the exact wording, if you're interested)

But after she received that email, she replied back how wrong I was and said that "she does fine me attractive and will probably always love me".

I can relate to what your H has said to you.

Remembe, words without action are only words. They mean nothing.

a poster during my early days here would say:

You must retain the faith you will prevail in the end, regardless of your difficulties AND at the same time comfront the brutal facts of your reality, whatever they might be.

Not only has this statement helped my through the D process, it has helped me in other areas of my life.

The first step is to LET GO of negative feelings.
It's not easy, it takes time. Once you do you will truly feel better.

gr8
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240664 - 04/25/12 11:45 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I'm reading over a journal entry he wrote for me after we were married for two years and he states that he loves me because of my silly sense of humor, my caring heart, and that I'm such a talented person.

He also goes on to state "I love her so much and want her to know that I will always love her. I will be here for her through the worst of times. I am afraid every day that I will lose her. I don't know what I would do without her. If I lost her I know that a part of me would die. She is my life."

"I know that if I have her by my side we will be able to overcome any obstacle that may come in our path."

So funny how he wrote all of this and none of it meant anything. I hate it because lately I've felt like all along he didn't really love me. He kept talking about how he has this connection with OW that he's never felt with me throughout our entire marriage. It's like we hit a high point and things started to slowly progress downward and got worse and worse. He says he can't even remember me being happy. That is sad.

Depression is sickening. I still struggle with it very much and I hate that he truly has no idea what I've been going through in my mind. I want to be better, I want to be happy. I just have to work at it 10 times harder than he does. I just don't see how that's fair. Being a mother of three, running your own business, and trying to keep on top of everything on top of having depression is actually downright depressing... not to mention overwhelming.

You would look at me and think, wow, she had it all... three beautiful children who are so funny and smart, a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, a fun job... why was she so unhappy? Obviously I know now that I am the one who's responsible for my own happiness and I can't depend on others for it... this is a lesson that I had to learn the hard way.

I see so much great potential between me and my H. I have a hard time believing that a person that can say all those things after being married for two years isn't really "in love" with his W. Granted, people change and their views on life change along with it. And I'm just having to accept more and more that he isn't the same man I married.

Me not wanting to be attracted to him is me sick of hurting. It hurts to be rejected over and over again. If I just don't feel anything for him then there won't be any rejection anymore because I won't want him anyway.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240668 - 04/25/12 11:54 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


After I wrote a letter to my ex validating her feelings and saying "I get it now" ((I have to look up the exact wording, if you're interested)

gr8


Yes, I would be interested to hear this... thank you for helping me.

Btw, did your ex-W have a PA while you were married? My H is convinced that OW is the one for him and he actually would have already moved in with her if her house was bigger. (Can't fit all the kids in a one bedroom house.)

Everyone tells me it won't last but I'm not so sure just because of the fact that they've been friends for 6 years. She has all the qualities he wanted to see in me. I know I can't sit around and wonder and worry about this I just wondered if your ex-W was with someone else thinking that it was what she wanted and ended up not being what she wanted at all.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240672 - 04/25/12 12:03 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
jks,
i cant believe how similar your sitch is to mine.
it's scary.

I have countless love letter from her stating her love for me. How she will "Always be by my Side" BTW that was our wedding song by Sade.
People couldn't believe we were separated b/c our image was so couple-like.
Quote:

Depression is sickening. I still struggle with it very much and I hate that he truly has no idea what I've been going through in my mind. I want to be better, I want to be happy. I just have to work at it 10 times harder than he does. I just don't see how that's fair. Being a mother of three, running your own business, and trying to keep on top of everything on top of having depression is actually downright depressing... not to mention overwhelming.


I wouldn't consider myself depressed at all, however those other points ALL relate to me, every one.

Life isn't fair. Some people DO have to put more of an effort doing thiing than others. That fact will never change.

Shake It Off And Step Up

A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule 'braying' - or - whatever mules do when they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead, he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.

Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back...a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back...HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP! This he did, blow after blow.

"Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or distressing the situation seemed the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!

You're right! It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, STEPPED TRIUMPHANTLY OVER THE WALL OF THAT WELL! What seemed like it would bury him, actually blessed him...all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity.

THAT'S LIFE! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity...THE ADVERSITIES THAT COME ALONG TO BURY US USUALLY HAVE WITHIN THEM THE POTENTIAL TO BENEFIT AND BLESS US! Remember that FORGIVENESS--FAITH--PRAYER-- PRAISE and HOPE...all are excellent ways to "SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP" out of the wells in which we find ourselves!
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

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#2240707 - 04/25/12 01:51 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Thank you, gr8. Man, I would love a fast forward button right now...

Btw, you never said if your ex-W had a PA. I'm just curious to know how similar the situations are...
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240823 - 04/25/12 09:54 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
gr8, I hope JKS won't mind a slight hijack here. I assume from your signature that you and W started piecing and then at some point decided to separate. Was that your decision or hers? What happened?

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

Top
#2240847 - 04/25/12 11:19 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
jks,

my ex was a WAW that was unhappy at first. We live the SSM. We couldn't communicate our needs to each other.
The short of it was, she found an old friend(female) on FB and started hanging out with her. She was a D gal with no kids and was always on the prowl.
When My ex left she didn't "cheat" on me however since she was hanging with this new "friend" she started to get attention when she went out. that ultimately led to her leaving.

during our separation she slept with one of her "friend's" friend from work.

That was before she came back.

Quote:
I would love a fast forward button right now...

Yeah, I understand how you feel. I've come a loooonng way. Do the work. Once you are in a happy place people will notice.

Youre a young beautiful woman. This is not your fault.

Don't let his words influence your feelings.

Feel free to ask anything.
I'm here to help.
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240850 - 04/25/12 11:34 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
Quote:
I assume from your signature that you and W started piecing and then at some point decided to separate. Was that your decision or hers? What happened?

Accuray,
that is correct, we did have a brief stage of R. however I didn't have a solid plan for recovery. After 4 dates she told me she "wasn't feeling it". from there it took another 10 months for her to decide to D.

Our D was just finalized this past February.

From what a friend told me, she is trying to have a R with a 24 yo from work where they can't be seen together b/c dating people at work is grounds for termination.

He treats her like sh!t, he's 24 and goes out with his friends when he wants to.

She trying to control him and she's being clingy. Instant Attraction killer btw.
She has done zero work on herself and it shows in all her Rs, even with her family.

So now she's in the same spot with her current fling. no lessons learned.
So now since she has not learned anything she's unhappy with her current reality and she gave up her family and a guy who wanted to make things work.

At this point, I know I could "win" her back.
She reaches out to me in quit ways.

That's a choice a struggle with now a days.

There's so much more to my sitch. you can go back and read from my history.


I'm not sure
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240854 - 04/25/12 11:49 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
You're not sure?
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

Top
#2240858 - 04/26/12 12:10 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
oops,
that line got separated from the group.

But Yes, I am not sure if I would take her back again.

I'm not waiting for her to have an epiphany. I am dating and realizing there is plenty of women out there who are great.
Not rushing into anything but looking for that special someone.

Not settling for crap. I want it all or nothing
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240862 - 04/26/12 12:22 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Accuray]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
This was something I found as I was going through my desk tonight...

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who your are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, professor, or long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be a smooth paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things. Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make of your life anything you wish.

Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.


I can't remember where or when I got this quote but I find it very interesting that I found it at a time like this. As I'm reading over it I can't help but feel better about my situation knowing that I'm in a huge learning stage of my life. I needed this. I need to push forward.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240974 - 04/26/12 01:59 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
jks, how are you doing today?
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240982 - 04/26/12 02:27 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I went in for a job interview this morning and left feeling like what am I doing? Is this what I really want? I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I keep thinking I know what I want to do but when I start pursuing it, I quickly feel empty. Planning your life on your own when you're so used to having someone by your side planning it with you is a hard feeling to get over.

I want to be strong and I continue to tell myself that I will be taken care of eventually but for now I am lost.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2241014 - 04/26/12 04:45 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
(((jks)))

It will come to you.
I used to have a link on my tagline that contained the song by Baz Luhrmann - Sunscreen

Your on the younger side so maybe you havent heard it before.

Check it out on youtube.
There are some good thoughts in it.


Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.
I just figured out this one.
-----------------------------------------

Remember you have your whole life ahead of you, you are the captain. take control.

in 20 years from now you wont regret the things you did, you'll regret the things you didn't do.

start living.

gr8
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2241107 - 04/26/12 11:52 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Thank you, I looked up that song... I AM young. I do still have a lot more life to live. It is so true.

Tonight I went to dinner with my mom and her H and while my mom was waiting in line to pay for the food a lady in front of her said, "Is that your daughter?" My mom said, "yes." The lady said, "Oh, she is so beautiful." (I was standing on the other side of the room.)

I'm not gonna lie, it made my night. When my mom came and sat down and told me what she said I thought, you should have said... tell that to her H. Ha, ha!!
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2241116 - 04/27/12 12:20 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
You're doing really well jks, keep at it!
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

Top
#2241120 - 04/27/12 12:26 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
jks,

I'm glad to hear that news.
The power of positive thinking will get you through this garbage.

You rock.
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2241199 - 04/27/12 11:43 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
jks,
i felt the way you do now. during the searation I thought to myself what woman would want a D, 40yo guy with two little kids.
Once I got my head on straight and started to venture out into the dating world, I found there were planty of women interested.

You will get there too.

have a gr8 day
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2241201 - 04/27/12 12:07 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
AprilT Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 127
Loc: Georgia
JKS--I am 43 and was pretty scared of the whole starting over thing. While things are not final yet (I file May 9), I am actually excited about the prospect of meeting new people. I am older now and know what I want in a partner. I am NOT looking to find the first someone and marry again, but down the road.....who knows.

Embrace this new journey...that's part of the fun. It will get easier with time.

Top
#2241209 - 04/27/12 01:17 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: AprilT]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
A couple minutes ago H just texted me to tell me to pack warm clothes for my kids and their coats. I said what am I packing for? He said... camping.

This may not seem like a big deal but this is my reality. I am no longer a part of anything. I would give anything to be going camping with my family for the weekend. I can't even imagine how Christmas is going to be. No doubt OW is going with him and probably other people in his family or friends from their work. How is it that I am so easily replaced?

I cannot stop crying. I don't know how to do this. I will forever have to hear about him and her and I just don't think I can take it.

I just feel like I keep getting punched in the stomach over and over again. I just want it to stop.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2241232 - 04/27/12 02:39 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
Quote:
A couple minutes ago H just texted me to tell me to pack warm clothes for my kids and their coats. I said what am I packing for? He said... camping.


You didn't do this, did you? He fired you as a W and wants you to do things for him?

Letting go is hard. It takes time. However once you have truly let go you will feel reborn.

As stated above, I also know what I want in a new partner. I'm not settling for cr@p, I want it all or nothing.

Take care of yourself. Have fun this weekend, try something that's uncharacteristic of yourself.
Yoga class, country line dancing whatever it is start experiencing new thongs in your life.

Sometimes good bye is a second chance.

That chance may be with someone new or maybe down the road your H will realize what he threw away.

The reality of D is strong.

Hugs
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2241238 - 04/27/12 03:02 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
JKS,
I've been living with my H's PA since last August. Focus on taking care of yourself. I love the advice from gr8. It will take time to heal, let yourself feel the pain, and you will grow from it.

I've decided to separate from my H and along the way I've met new friends and a new guy. Not really ready for any type of serious relationship...but you are young and you will be happy again!

I'm really in a place now where I've detached and I'd rather be alone than dealing with H and his issues. If he ever really had an awakening...maybe I'd try again. For now though, I'm not interested.

Hang in there...it's taken 7-8 months to get where I am.

M: 43, H: 45
Married 12 years
PA started 8/2011
I discovered 9/15/2011
Made decision to separate 1/12, divorce filed 3/12
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2241243 - 04/27/12 03:10 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4474
jks,

You have no business dating right now. Leave it alone.

Quit waiting to be taken care of, take care of yourself.

H's behavior with the kids is not OK. Telling them to lie to you is not OK. Taking them on an overnight trip with OW right now is not OK. Trust me, I am not one who tries to get people to keep the kids away from OP. It is generally best to accept it.

But, this situation is too new and too unstable. If I were you, I'd text:

"I'm concerned about the kids. An out-of-town trip with you and OW is not appropriate for them right now. I understand that she'll be going camping with you, so I'll make other arrangements for childcare while you are on your trip. If I've misunderstood, let me know."
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

Top
#2241256 - 04/27/12 03:47 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: oldtimer]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
jks - i'm sort of feeling the same as you -very similar time frame too. and i agree with old timer and the way the text was worded.

stay strong - and it's okay to cry and feel horrible, but try to have one moment in between where you think of something that makes you feel good.

oldtimer - not trying to butt in or hijack - but since you guys are on the topic about kids meeting OP.:

my question is how can this be handled during DB'ing? do we leave it to WAS to decide on their own and not known to us when they tell kids about OP , or can it be dealt with that WAS and LBS can decide together and prepare for it?

would love to hear your opinion about this

thanks zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2241299 - 04/27/12 07:12 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: zig]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4474
Zig,

You really have no control over when H tells the kids about OW. So, I'm not sure what you mean by "leave it to WAS to decide on their own." They WILL decide on their own. It isn't a choice you can make.

Certainly it would be better for the parents to work together: "H, of course at some point you'll want to share your R with your girlfriend with the kids. I'd like us to collaborate on how best to handle that. I certainly don't want them to be in the middle, so it would be good if you just let me know ahead of time in a direct way. Email would be fine. My feeling is that it would be better for them if __________. Perhaps we could consult with an expert to make sure we do things in the best way for the kids. Would you be up for that?"
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

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#2241347 - 04/28/12 01:18 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: oldtimer]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Well, too late. I had already packed the kid's bags earlier this morning (so I didn't change anything.) and all I did was throw their coats on their bags and I left. I had an appt with another D lawyer and so I left my mom with the kids to hand them over to H. I totally thought this was inappropriate and too soon for him to be doing it but I knew it would just end up in a fight so I said nothing.

I just now am reading what you've said and I did text H that I thought it was inappropriate and I was concerned but his phone is probably out of service because I called and it went straight to VM.

I am so clueless as to how to handle these types of situations. I feel like everything I do, I do the wrong thing.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2241365 - 04/28/12 06:56 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: oldtimer]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
hi jks - i know what you mean about feeling clueless about what to do in these situations - that's when i sort of get into panic mode!! i am beginning to realize that it's because i'm trying to 'protect' the situation with h so much that it is overriding taking care of my needs or s's needs and slowly i am starting to move away from that position. but it's very difficult, and maybe it's because we haven't really detached yet - we're so scared of saying no and they can feel it!!

you did your best - and use the chance while the kids are away to take care of yourself and have a little fun?

thanks old-timer for your reply - and i wasn't trying to say that i wanted any control over when s is told - it was more along the lines of the second para you wrote - that i just want us to prepare s for it.

on the other hand - i'm not so sure about the "experts" either. what if we land up with one who thinks it's not such a big deal? or one who gets on h's case and freaks him out?

i really like the way you worded what could be said - it is something that has been weighing on my mind for a while, and i need to find the right way to approach h about it.

thanks
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2241377 - 04/28/12 08:55 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
lks,

How are your kids doing?
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

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#2241387 - 04/28/12 09:55 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
I think this thread on Boundaries may give you some insight.
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2241486 - 04/28/12 07:17 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
My D6 is struggling. My mom and I were talking about this... her personality has always been so friendly and downright charming. I get compliments about it all the time because she is not afraid to talk to anyone. Well, lately, she doesn't want to have anything to do with anyone. She hides behind me when we're around people and all she wants to do is watch TV when we're at home. I've asked her if she'd like to play with some of the girls in our neighborhood and all she says is, "I want to play with my old friends." She hasn't really "clicked" with anyone here and it's very different because in our old neighborhood she had 4 girls on our street (all houses right in a row next to ours) that were her age that she grew up with and loves to play with. When we go back to our old neighborhood she always asks if we can go back to our house and give it a kiss and a hug.

She acts up a lot and ignores me and talks back a lot. We've cried a lot together. I feel so awful that she's going through this and I don't know how to handle it. The sad thing is... my H probably doesn't see this side of her because when the kids are with him, he's happy. He's moved on with life and he's planning events for them to do with his new girlfriend, ie camping.

Life with mom isn't as peachy. I struggle emotionally all the time. And obviously my kids feel it.

One day she pulled a hair elastic out of her hair and said, "Mommy, this is OW's, I just wanted to let you know so you didn't think it was yours." I told her ok. (feeling kind of confused why she even brought it up and thinking, gross, throw it in the trash!) Then she said, but I love you more than her. I immediately told her, of course you do, I'm your mother and that will never change. But it's ok that you hang out with OW. I don't want you to feel like its not ok. And she said ok. Sad that she even has to explain that to me.

Another instance she saw me crying and told me that she was going to tell my H to come be with me and not be with OW because she didn't want to see me sad. I told her not to do that.

I know she is so torn. I know she likes OW but she doesn't want to feel like she's betraying me. That's why I told her it was ok to hang out with her. There's nothing I can do about it anyway, they're going to be seeing a lot of this woman. I just have to grin and bear it.

My S4 will mention from time to time that he just wants to live with me and daddy. I tell him, me too.

I have to get out of this sadness for the sake of my kids. I know this. It's like sometimes I really just have to cry really hard and they follow me everywhere. It's hard to not do it in front of them. frown
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2241487 - 04/28/12 08:00 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96
jks,
I don't have any advice for you, I am not wise, just a shocked mommy like you. I felt your pain when I was reading your post and I just want to say that I am very sorry for what you are going though. I am sure one of the wise vets will come give you good advice, but a a follow mom with young kids I just wanted to say that you sound lie you are doing a good job with your kids and I am sorry for your pain.
((((()))))))
fighting
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2241568 - 04/29/12 12:48 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: fightingforit]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: TrentC
I think this is a common misconception. Ultimatums are controlling behavior; boundaries are not.

An ultimatum is "Do XXX or YYY will happen." Controlling

Quote:
A boundary is "I feel WWW when you do XXX. Because of that, if you do XXX then YYY will happen." Boundary because you explain your feelings; which should lead the other person to make an informed choice.

And YYY is OUR behavior.


This was taken from the boundary thread. So much good stuff there, btw. Thank you, gr8!! Now I just need to apply this to my own life. I have so many things to go over with H and I can't even bring myself to see him right now. Its like I'm trying to ignore that this is even happening, which I know isn't healthy. It probably would be best for me to suck it up and move forward with talking about what is to come and what boundaries need to be set, huh. *sigh*
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2241691 - 04/30/12 03:30 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
My main focus today has been trying to keep my thoughts positive. If I have any hope of H wanting a R with me again, I have to be happy. (I can't even believe I'm saying that after everything I've been through with him.) I backslid so much after I found out about the PA and I probably ruined everything but, honestly, I still think my H has to think about me. How could he not? I'm not saying that I'm going to aggressively move towards trying to get him back. No way... I'm just saying that I know the potential that I have.

I know he fell in love with me for a reason and I am actively trying to find that girl again. If not for him, then for someone else. My negativity has been the death of me. I realize that more than ever right now. One thing that I've been really trying to keep my focus on is remembering that God has a purpose for this. It's happening for a reason. I am learning so much about myself. I'm growing from it. Which I otherwise would not have been able to do if my R was in the same state as it was before our separation. I know God will take care of me if I continue to keep Him in my life and trust in Him. Everything will fall into place as it should. This is what brings me comfort.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2241707 - 04/30/12 08:58 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
jks,
I can empathize what you're going through, and it stinks to say the last.

Remember this: your kids are watching and learning from you this very moment about how to handle a crisis. Every action you have with them they see how you respond to your situation.

Quote:
We've cried a lot together. I feel so awful that she's going through this and I don't know how to handle it.


Don't cry together. If she cries comfort her and let her know she is loved by both parents. Put it in a dialect she will understand. You may cry, but do it alone or with friends.

I'll post more later I have to run into work now.

Be strong.
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

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#2242057 - 05/01/12 03:06 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
JKS, sorry for delay. Life was getting in the way. smile

Your kids need a strong parent. I know it's hard when your oldest says things about OW.
That burns me up that your H would introduce OW to the kids so soon.

Glad to hear your praying and know that God has a bigger plan for you(us) down the road.

Start palnning things to do with the kids too. Kids always remember the fun times they had.


What have you been doing lately?
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2242106 - 05/01/12 05:25 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I was talking today with D6 about her camping trip and she was telling me who was there. She said that H's sister was there with a guy who she thinks is OW's boyfriend. She is so confused.

I will write more later...
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2242108 - 05/01/12 05:37 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
Quote:
She said that H's sister was there with a guy who she thinks is OW's boyfriend. She is so confused.

mad
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2242448 - 05/02/12 09:50 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I spoke with H this morning when he dropped off my baby and told him how inappropriate it was for him to take the kids camping with OW. Btw, he wasn't even going to tell me he was taking them AND he never told me where they were going and when they were coming back. I freaked out on Sunday night because I hadn't heard anything from him and thought, wow, he really thinks this is ok? So I texted him and said, I am worried about the kids. I would like to know if they're ok. Please respond. He responded 15 min later and said they were fine and they're back and they were all asleep.

So I told him this morning that I have a right as their mother to know where he's taking them and for how long and if they got back ok. He said, you're right, that was wrong of me to do. When I told him about going with OW he said he didn't think it would be that big of deal because there was so many people there from work so he knew the kids wouldn't think anything of it. I said, I had no idea who went. For all I knew it was just him and OW. Why couldn't he have told me that? Does he realize that all I do is sit home wondering what the heck he's doing with my kids and OW? I told him either way, this is all too soon and he needs to slow it down a bit. My gosh, I just found out a little over a month ago that he was having a PA and now he's doing overnight camping trips with her and the kids?

I told him how would you feel if I had met someone and decided after a couple weeks that I was going to take the kids and go to Disneyland with him? It's a bit much. And I told him he is asking a lot of me right now.

I asked him if he was happy and he said, well, it's been awful. I said how come? He said because I'm splitting up my family and because I'm hurting you. I said is she worth all of this? He said he really gets along well with her and has a great connection with her. And I said but is she really worth it? You're choosing her over your family. He said, no, I'm not. I said, you are, because you don't get to see your kids weeks at a time some times. You have no idea where I'm going to live. I could end up marrying someone who lives out of state and I am most definitely taking my kids with me if that happens.

He said, you can't do that and I said, really? You're the one who left me. There is no way that you're taking my kids away from me. He has a PA and leaves me and expects that his kids are going to stay with him if I'm forced to move out of state? He is delusional.

I cannot believe this woman is just waiting around for him to get D and continuing this R with him. It is the most incredible thing I have ever witnessed.

I asked him if his family thought it was a little weird that he had her around so much and that they went camping together and he said, well, yeah... but there's not really anything they can do about it. He told me that his mom told him that she was super uncomfortable with the situation. (He's still living with his parents.) Glad someone said something. I was beginning to think that I was the only one who thought this was wrong.

I asked him if OW sleeps over at his parent's house and he said she did last night because he got called out for work from midnight until 6:00 in the morning and he wasn't sure if he was going to be home in time to take S4 to school. I said, well, you could have called his mother to come pick him up. (Wow, there's an idea!)

I also told him that he has completely lost his sense of right and wrong. All he cares about is moving on and having fun. And trying out his new R with his kids. Starting life with his "new" family. I know, I am the worst DB'er ever and probably shouldn't be in these forums. It is the hardest thing to sit by and watch your H openly have an affair and pretend like he's not married when you have three very small children with him and 10 years together. Not to mention the fact that our religion that we both believed in when we got married totally sees this as the 2nd worst sin in the world. It is serious stuff and he is trying to justify it every way he can.

I told him he should really think about this more. He said, I think about it everyday. And started to choke up. I know the man I married is somewhere in there... this woman is blinding him completely. It's almost like he has to try things out with her to make 100% sure that he's made the right decision. And he keeps telling himself that things will get better. (They are most definitely going to get worse before they get better, that's for sure.) Because there is no way that their lives are in reality right now.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2242449 - 05/02/12 10:01 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
wishing, hoping Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 2746
Loc: Wisconsin
(((JKS)))

Your H sounds like mine. They are both delusional and in la la land. Living in some kind of fantasy world. Reality will set in sooner than later. You can be da** sure of that!!
_________________________
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
"No matter where you go, there you are"

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#2242451 - 05/02/12 10:13 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: wishing, hoping]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Btw, neither one of us has filed for D. We have no money and my L is a $3000 retainer just to file. This is going to be a very LONG process. I wonder if H even has a clue as to how much it is going to cost.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2242453 - 05/02/12 10:22 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
^^^ i'm sure he doesn't. not having the money for the attorneys may be a blessing. it will allow the PA to burn out. speaking from experience, having your three young children around ALL THE TIME will really help to speed the end along!
just my two cents worth... ;-)
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2242456 - 05/02/12 10:33 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: scaredsilly]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Is it bad to say that I actually had a really good day today because of the fact that H said things have been awful? It kind of makes me relieved to know that he is somewhat miserable with his decision.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2242460 - 05/02/12 10:38 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: jks
Btw, neither one of us has filed for D. We have no money and my L is a $3000 retainer just to file. This is going to be a very LONG process. I wonder if H even has a clue as to how much it is going to cost.


I agree with Scaredsilly above. Hang on, detach and go get yourself a life independent of your H. Use the time to better yourself and bide your time.

BTW - really sorry you are in sch a difficult sitch!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2242479 - 05/02/12 11:29 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: 2thepoint]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I am so excited for you! It sounds like you made it an awesome, loving, family moment. My best friend is currently a "WAW", she filed in November. That is the thing that gets her, the thing she misses, those special family moments that can nay be shared between the 4 of you. Watching her journey, I see how much doubt there really is on their side. I asked her this weekend if she was 100% sure she wanted a D and she said that he is being such an a$$ and making her feel terrible that she is sure. He is always saying how can you do this to your children, etc. It makes her distance more. She told me that if he was doing what we all (the mighty DB'ers) do there is no way she could go through with it. So excited for you. I believe for you!

This quote was taken from brookelynbabe's thread. I am really seeing now that H could have some serious doubts that he's not willing to express. I do need to stop the begging and pleading.

I am not the one who needs to teach him a lesson. Life will do that for him.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2242486 - 05/02/12 11:55 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
I pulled the following out of the MLC forum. Although MLC may not necessarily apply to your sitch, take a look and see if maybe there is something in here that is useful.

Originally Posted By: Kansha
On my Thread, "The Long Journey Home-an MLC Journey" I posted these within the text. Since it is so very long I decided to extract them and put them in a neat list that you can copy. For the long version feel free to go to my thread.

I am saying a prayer for you, that you find the help and comfort that you need. You are not alone, God is with you always. We here at the DB are too.
Hugs

Here are a few things I did to DB my H while all the craziness was going on:

·I found more ways to focus on my children and myself.

·I forced myself to stop thinking about what my H was doing and how unfair it was.
·I realized there is really nothing I could do about my H’s behavior anyway.

·I learned to state boundaries in a friendly none threatening tone. And I stated those boundaries quickly and succinctly.

·I tried to process all my emotions in a healthy way that allowed me to stay calm just about 24/7. (If I became angry I broke plates against a wall to get out the anger.)

·I worked on my self-esteem.

·I started going out once a week and having H watch the kids.

·I tried to stay in touch with my emotions as best as I could and release them as close to the incident as possible even if I thought I felt fine.

·I "acted as if", I was going on with my life, I gave my H some breathing room.

·I tried different 180’s.

· I became more unpredictable. One fourth of July H said he was going out. (Not spending it as a family) So I had a barbeque and invited lots of people over and celebrated without him.

·I became mysterious.

· I stopped initiating any conversation.

· I went to my room as soon as he came home.

· I laughed a lot and enjoyed my kids in my room with the door shut.

· I never made plans that included him.

· I stopped interfering and/or helping along his relationships with the kids.

· I stopped keeping him informed on the kids.

·I avoided OR talks.

· I stopped confronting him.

· I left the room first and ended conversations first.

·I was always friendly but distracted.

·I stopped defending myself.

·I listened to him ad- nauseum.

· I sat in therapy sessions and let him express his anger at me until I couldn’t do it anymore.

·I took antidepressants

·Went to counseling by myself.

·Made a list of all of my good points and talents(To remind myself of my worth)

·I took stock of what about myself could be improved and did so.

·I prayed

·I became more focused on what I had to be grateful for.

·I gave the whole situation over to God.

The above are a "few" of the things that I did.

Sometimes I felt like a doormat. But always reminded myself that I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to and I could change my mind at any time.

About choice: So many times in the MLC journey it is so easy to feel powerless and that our H/W's have all the control. Reminding myself that I could check out anytime I liked was (is) really helpful in feeling more in control.

About anger and blame directed at us: I always told myself as my H blasted me, that I could stand there and listen or I could turn around and walk out.

One more thing that was helpful is even though I listened I never accepted what my H said as true. I said to myself, "that's how he feels." Before my H's MLC I was apt to take what he said as gospel.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2242487 - 05/03/12 12:03 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: 2thepoint]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
2thepoint, WOW!! Amazing stuff there. Thank you!
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2242554 - 05/03/12 09:36 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
JKS, what do you know about this OW?

Does she work with H?
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2242571 - 05/03/12 10:36 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
She is on a different squad than him, so they have somewhat different hours and don't respond to the same calls. So they most likely don't see each other at work unless they make it a point to see each other. Which they probably do every once in a while. She's trying to get on his same squad. She's been trying to for a long time. So that's pretty upsetting because if H decides to work things out with me, he'll most definitely have to quit his job.

He is so dedicated to his job and loves the people he works with so I know that would be a really hard thing for him to do.

She has a very masculine personality. (Obviously, if she's a cop.) She has no kids. She's very career driven. And most importantly, she sees nothing wrong with pursuing a married man with three kids. I know that she's been attracted to my H for a long time (at least a year of pursuing that I know of) and I think she could really see herself with him. Whereas my H never even looked at her that way until him and I separated. She makes me incredibly sick to think about her.

I asked my H a while ago that doesn't he think there's a reason why we chose to be with each other because we're so different? It makes things more interesting. But instead you'd rather be with someone who's exactly like you? He said, I don't know.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2242652 - 05/03/12 03:29 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I backslid A LOT this morning... when I was taking my little boy to school this morning, he told me that OW sleptover at daddy's house. I said, that's not good. I said did she sleep in the same bed with you? He said, yes. So I immediately sent my H a text telling him how furious I was. That he's pretending he's married to her and making really inappropriate decisions.

Eventually, I ended up calling him and it didn't go well. It was 9:00 this morning and she was already over at his house. I'm surprised she didn't sleep over again. They are so trashy, it is disgusting.

He told me he did talk to a L. And he knows how much it's going to cost and doesn't care. I don't know where he's going to get the money from because he doesn't have any. I guess his parents will have to pay for it. Lucky them.

He also said that he's in such a different place than I am. He's completely moved on and his mind can't even go there with me. I mean, he already showed all of his friends from work that he was choosing to be with OW by taking her camping with all of them. That is a huge statement right there.

I told him that he has trapped me in every way. I can't date people because I'm married... I tried to set things up and it doesn't feel right. I'm still too attached to him and I can't see myself being ok with kissing someone else while I'm still legally married. That would put me in the same boat as my H. I'm not going there.

I don't feel like I can get a job because how do I find someone that will take and pick up my kids from school while being able to cart around a baby? It's such a headache to figure out. He keeps saying, I'll help you. My thoughts... um, I want nothing to do with you. So if you're thinking that I'm going to want to deal with you on a daily basis because I need you to watch the kids then you are insane. So I told him I'm just going to do my photography on the side. I feel like I need to be home for my kids right now anyway.

That made him upset because he knew that meant he was going to have to pay more in child support. Personally, I don't care. That is the least of my worries.

So after we hung up I had a huge breakdown... I am sooooo sick of feeling this way day after day. It is never-ending and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I truly feel like dying. It is so painful. I am trapped. I will always have to hear from my kids what him and OW are doing. I try so hard to rise above it but it cuts so deep and is so hard to hear.

So I told H that I was going to keep the kids for the next three weeks because I need to have a couple of normal weeks without him in my life so I can breathe!! He got all huffy saying that there's no way I can do that and not to fight him on this. I told him I'll call the police if he comes here to get them. He is acting completely inappropriately and putting my kids around a woman that I don't even know who has low morals and who knows what ever else. I will not have it.

I also texted OW and told her she wouldn't mind if I texted with my H everyday, all day long and talked about everything and anything while they're together. No big deal right? Because that's what she told me back in Sept when I confronted her about the text messaging. He's just my best friend, is what she said. Then I told her and plan events with him and help him move and whatever else I can think of to be around him. I told her she was a home wrecker and she is trashy and I'm sad that my kids are going to grow up with her in their lives.

I also told my H that I sure hope OW stays faithful to him because she seems to have a major texting problem and has no problem texting other men on a regular basis... whether they're married or not. She admitted that to me on her own. And why wouldn't she? She's the only female cop on the squad and is surrounded by men. That is who she deals with and associates with on a daily basis.

Sorry I couldn't be a better inspiration. I am furious and I have sat around long enough letting the both of them walk all over me and gallivant around town together like they're so happily married and nothing they're doing is wrong at all.

I have no idea what is to become of my life. I see no future with H. But it feels better knowing that I'm standing up for myself rather than letting him continue on like he's a saint. He is in for a rude awakening one of these days.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2242660 - 05/03/12 03:48 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
JKS I know this stuff is painful and it totally suxx. But you've got to get a grip! I'm sure you've seen it posted to believe none of what he says and 1/2 of what you see. Start working with that. Oh, and go back and reread the post I sent you yesterday. Print it out if you have to.

Hang in there!

((((JKS))))
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2242676 - 05/03/12 05:28 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: 2thepoint]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
Jks, I hope you've had some time today to calm down and think about things a little more clearly. I can see why you're upset, but like 2TP says, remember to believe none of what your H says, and 1/2 of what you see.

You need to focus on you and your kids. Re-read what 2TP said to you. I think the list will help you get back on track with DBing, and your goals for yourself.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2243292 - 05/06/12 10:08 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: RoRoinMD]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I went out of town for the weekend and while I was there H called me. Totally caught me off guard and I answered. He immediately said, can I talk to the kids? I hung up. Really? Did I not already set a boundary for this? And he is totally disrespecting me now.

I called him back and he kept saying, let me talk to the kids and I said... I set a boundary and expect that you follow it. I am not going to let you talk to them. Please stop doing this. I hung up and sent him some other not so nice texts. Basically just telling him that he cannot have everything whenever he wants.

If he's missing his kids then how is that my problem? I went out of town to try to get away from all the madness and to try to move on with my life. When he does things like this it makes me feel like he's trying to remind me that he's still here. Can he not understand that I need space?

Honestly, what would you be doing if you felt like your H was putting your kids in such inappropriate situations so soon? I don't know how to be nice about this. The more I just allow it, the worse he gets.

I dread letting my kids go with him now. frown
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2243299 - 05/06/12 10:30 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
jks you said that your L requires a retainer fee to file, but have you thought about some kind of separation agreement? That might help you set and enforce boundaries with your H especially relating to the kids and the OW. H is really not putting you in a good place, I can only imagine how stressful this must be for you.

I also noticed that you had previously said that life, and not you, would teach your H a lesson but it sounds like by texting/calling him back repeatedly about the violated boundary that you were trying to do the teaching. Of course you were upset, and I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. Again, I think possibly having a separation agreement between you and your H might help you manage the situation a little better.

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#2243305 - 05/06/12 10:41 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
wishing, hoping Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 2746
Loc: Wisconsin
I get that. H took S to meet OW this weekend and she even sent back cupcakes! I almost threw them in the trash! H even sent S upstairs while I was giving D a bath so he could FaceTime with OW. Unbelievable!!! H totally has disrespected me.

(((JKS)))
_________________________
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
"No matter where you go, there you are"

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#2243319 - 05/06/12 11:42 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: wishing, hoping]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I received a message tonight on FB from another woman whose H works with my H and OW. She said she has always thought that OW wanted to hook up with her H too. And thought of her as totally shady all along.

This just confirms what I thought about OW all along, she has low morals and low character. I cannot believe that my H is getting roped into this. He is so much better than this. And when I look at my kids I just tell myself over and over that he is absolutely losing it.

He thinks that what they have is special but I think she's truly a despicable woman who has found it ok to break up a family and will find it ok to go ruin some other R in the future. Once she's sick of H and his three kids and dealing with his exW. Things will not be so peachy for the two of them.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2243326 - 05/07/12 12:18 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
wishing, hoping Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 2746
Loc: Wisconsin
(((JKS)))

Try to concentrate on yourself. I know it's not easy. I have had a bad weekend myself. Time for us to detach even more.
_________________________
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
"No matter where you go, there you are"

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#2243328 - 05/07/12 12:39 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: wishing, hoping]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I feel like I don't even care about being with him anymore, it's more what he's doing with my kids and OW.

And I could really do without the phone calls to speak to the kids. That is totally unnecessary.

I was having a great weekend away until he did that.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2243373 - 05/07/12 10:13 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
wishing, hoping Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 2746
Loc: Wisconsin
I know. H did that to me over Easter. Blew up my phone wanting to speak to the kids and threw a fit when it wasn't convenient for him.

As much as H is acting like an insensitive jerk I still care and I still love him. I wish I didn't. It would be much easier to detach if I didn't.

Take Care, JKS. Hope this week is better.
_________________________
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
"No matter where you go, there you are"

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#2243577 - 05/08/12 12:50 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: wishing, hoping]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I actually had a really good day today. I cleaned a lot which made me feel good about myself and I focused on my kids.

I met with one of my client's tonight to go over her pictures for her wedding and she told me... I'm so happy we went with you. You really do such great work. That made my night. It makes me feel good to know that I do have a talent that I am good at and I do technically have a job, whether H believes that or not.

I spoke with the woman that sent me the message on FB about OW and she said she knows this will not last between the two of them. She said, it may take a couple years but it won't last. Her H is really good friends with OW and my H. She said that OW seemed like she was always trying to get closer with her H. They texted all the time. She would look at her H's phone and ask him why he had to text with her so much. Funny thing is, once I found out about the text messaging between her and my H, it was too late for me.

She was certain that OW wanted to hook up with her H but because she gave OW the cold shoulder all the time and made it clear that she wasn't welcome, OW backed off. So she then moved on to my H. I'm still so sick about this.

I am trying to get myself together. I know over the past couple days I have been totally irate and it isn't helping my sitch. I really would like to know what I should say when H is doing these inappropriate things around our kids. What would be a reasonable boundary to set with him regarding OW and my kids?
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2243626 - 05/08/12 10:13 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: vera be fierce]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: verab754
jks you said that your L requires a retainer fee to file, but have you thought about some kind of separation agreement? That might help you set and enforce boundaries with your H especially relating to the kids and the OW. H is really not putting you in a good place, I can only imagine how stressful this must be for you.

I also noticed that you had previously said that life, and not you, would teach your H a lesson but it sounds like by texting/calling him back repeatedly about the violated boundary that you were trying to do the teaching. Of course you were upset, and I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. Again, I think possibly having a separation agreement between you and your H might help you manage the situation a little better.


verab, I am just now seeing your post... I don't know why. Do you mean make an agreement on paper and sign it, just between the two of us? Or involve lawyers?
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2243780 - 05/08/12 06:53 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Sorry, it seems like my moderated posts are showing up timestamped on when I hit submit rather than when they were approved, unfortunately.

It sounds like you need some serious boundaries with your H and the kids in relation to OW. If verbal boundaries aren't working, then something written might help. If you think he wouldn't fly off the handle, maybe you could approach him, but, given how he doesn't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation with your S and the OW, you may need to involve a L. It sounded like the L fee you spoke of was just for filing the D. It may be less for drafting a separation agreement (although it may involve a few iterations if your H becomes testy about working it out). Have you tried finding a different L through the local bar association? They may be able to assist finding an L who does pro bono matters or does work on a sliding scale if you can't afford it. Not saying you definitely need one, just something to consider.

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