I don't love you anymore but we can be friends 3

[Sad in WI]

Not getting much work done today, but have re-read my posts and got caught up with other posts as well. From what I gleam from my sitch and others is that our WAS can and do change on a dime and talk out of both sides of their mouths.

I also read Michelles articles on the site and what got my eye had to do with the love quiz and question number 5 "People Just Fall Out of Love." That is one thing that resonates with my W, for her its all or nothing. While Michelle says that this is one of the funniest things she has ever heard. She is stressing that couples need to spend time together. I am trying to do this, but have to understand that she is the captain of the date ship right now. I also looked at our first scrap book and remembered what we did when we first met and how I approached/treated her when we were first getting to know one another.

W has told me that one of the things that hurt her the most was the feeling that I was not there for her. When this came up I listened and validated. When she was nervous about her health I told her I was here and was helping her before she had to ask.

I am trying to look at her as a roommate and treat her accordingly because I think being detached from her would back fire since I was "detached" for a good period of time in our marruiage.

I also made a list of what "good" things occurred in our marriage and was on page 5 when I stopped writing. I think that when I start to get sad I need to look at this list rather than letting my bad thoughts take over.

I threw out the idea of going on another date on Friday. Sorry to post so much and often.

[Accuray]

I am trying to look at her as a roommate and treat her accordingly because I think being detached from her would back fire since I was "detached" for a good period of time in our marriage.

Usually the wrong conclusion -- it's a timing problem. She needed you to be engaged with her THEN. You can't make up for that by pursuing her NOW. Pursuing her now will often just make her angrier, because if you can do it so easily now, why did you put her through so much hell then?

It's a fine line to walk, you need to demonstrate that you're willing and capable to engage, but you can't demonstrate that through pursuit. You have to wait for opportunities that SHE provides to demonstrate your 180's -- you can't create them.

SIW, generally when the bomb drops WAS (in their mind) is done. They think they know all there is to know about you, what you're capable of, and how you're going to act, and they've decided they are better off without you. Pursuing them is just trying to pull them back into a cold pool after they've decided to get out and dry off. You can't convince them that's going to be fun.

That's why detach DOES work -- it makes them reconsider what they think they know. It makes them wonder WHY you're able to detach. Your GAL and "act as if" intrigues them. If you're happy, they want to share in that happiness. If you demonstrate good parenting, they want to parent with you.

The WAS needs to see a future with you as a NEW destination, not a return to an old one. Pursuit feels, to them, like you are trying to manipulate, con, convince them BACK to where you were before. DETACH puts an opportunity before them to re-engage with you because it's something that THEY want to do, not something you're begging them to do.

DETACH takes all kinds of pressure off of them. They no longer need to concern themselves with your fragile emotions. They can be free to live their life and make their own decisions.

You will find no one on this board who reconciled through pursuit -- not one example. You will find cases where people went dark, detached, started living their own life, and WAS came back. Usually not on their timetable, and usually after a longer period of time than they would have expected. The less you care if they come back, the easier it is for them to return, because it puts you on equal footing.

Accuray

[Sad in WI]

Accuray,

I can detach when we are not together (no emails, texts or calls). It is harder when we are together, but at the same time I think this could work. For instance when I see her reading her I-Pad I head in the other direction and do my own thing. I guess I equate DETACH with AVOIDANCE, but they are not the same from what I have read and this is what I have trouble with. When she goes to Kick Boxing after work it is a quick hi/bye and then I am doing some GAL or spending time with the kids.

It seems like it is more of an emotional thing, like ok I am here for you, but will hold my cards to the vest when it comes to my feelings etc. I need to look at older posts here to get this down path b/c it is the one thing I have trouble understanding. Thanks for your kind words.

SIW

[Accuray]

SIW,

Yes, it is important to understand the difference between DETACH and AVOID. "Detach" is being able to maintain your self-esteem regardless of their reaction to you. "Detach" is measuring yourself by your own actions, not what W does or does not do or say. i.e. you know you are loveable regardless of whether W says she loves you or not.

You can still communicate and be detached. You can still smile, laugh and share. The difference is, you have no expectations of W, and however she reacts isn't going to change how you feel about yourself, and she knows that.

You can share your feelings, but if she condemns you for how you feel, you don't care. Now that's a fine line because if you're feeling badly BECAUSE of her, then sharing that would betray a lack of detachment.

Here's an example -- you want to go to a restaurant for dinner:

"W, will you go to X restaurant with me for dinner?" If she doesn't go, you don't go. NOT detached.

"W, I'm going to dinner at X restaurant. I'm leaving in 20 minutes or so. If you want to go I'll see you outside."

The implication there is that YOU are going to go no matter what. If W chooses to join you great, and if not, you're still going out.

See the difference? In the second case, your actions do not depend on her. She can share with you or not, and either way she hasn't ruined your plans. That gives her the freedom to choose with no consequence of guilt for making the choice you don't like.

Accuray