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Autumn, I know you believe this path is good and right for you.

I hope you understand that the path you are on leads to D.

As anyone points that may not be the case, I submit it IS.

Unless you are following this path for some other reason. ie. As a form of manipulation.

So let me stress: If you are following this path, then follow this path and D. Because you are done. Now, and forever. And do it, rather than stretching it out because you are still unsure.

I think you believe you are done.

I have no doubt that once things are said and done and you've filed, you WILL have doubts in the future. A year from now... 5 years from now...

And that is regardless of whether you find someone new.

Not trying to change your mind by scaring you or putting doubt in your mind. Just saying what is likely to happen. We see it very often with people IRL and here...

BTW: I've been keeping communication with my W strictly in email (although there is still verbal comm during kid exchanges). That has not stopped my W from sneaking in all sorts of non-kid, non-finance content into the emails. Including spew. This is at least nine months into this process and it still happens. Again, I'm just using myself as an example, but we see this over and over again in other sitches in this forum.

I support you in your path. I just want you to know that at least in my case, nothing has changed. I had hoped, at first. And I had decided in Nov. 10 that this was what I wanted. And vacillated back and forth since then.

Nothing has changed. And it really is at a point of not IF... but who will pull the trigger, first. The only reason I'm holding back is because I do want to be in a slightly better financial position, so that I can afford the child support that will be court assigned once D is processed.

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Originally Posted By: Starsky309

I thought this had already been done. Firewalling accounts when one spouse is wayward is ALWAYS one of the very first steps that is wise (and one of the few subjects that gets near-100% consensus from posters of various ideological stripes). Funds are most vulnerable after you make any sort of a stand.

Throw in any known substance abuse? Concern goes up 5-fold, at least.

Protect yourself.


Starsky


With him still in the house I wasn't sure I felt safe to do it, but now that he's moved out I fully intend to today. And yes with the substance abuse, it is more of a concern


-Autumn

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Thanks for that Kaffe, I really do appreciate it.


-Autumn

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Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves
I also have an appt with my gyn for a full std panel. 20 years..I shouldn't have to do this, but it is what it is.



I'm sorry, Autumn, I really am. I had to do this too, and it [censored], no other way to put it. Having my GP -- who is a FEMALE doctor -- stick something up my you-know-what, for we-all-knew-why, was one of the most humiliating things I've ever had to do.

But it was also one of the smartest.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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You are welcome, of course.

My only concern is that I don't think you are solid in your decision to D, yet.

Are you allowed to change your mind? Of course.

But setting THIS ball in motion is the same as a LBS coming here and setting time lines.

I will give this M another chance... 90 days... a couple months... a year...

I still see you vacillating...

As we have seen posted before on this forum...

Is this the bridge you want to die on?

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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Autumn, I know you believe this path is good and right for you.

I hope you understand that the path you are on leads to D.

As anyone points that may not be the case, I submit it IS.



It wasn't for me, Kaffe. My wife and I reconciled, after I used tactics even stronger than I'm allowed to post here, and last Friday we celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary and since our reconciliation 5 years ago we also celebrated the birth of our first grandchild.

I strongly disagree with the statement" this path leads to divorce," but I WOULD agree with you that "you need to be prepared for the eventuality that it will."

Autumn has already stated that her husband is refusing to give up behaviors that SHE thinks puts her family at risk, as well as himself, and that she's NOT OKAY with these -- they are her Boundaries of Personal Integrity.

I think we should trust her assessment, respect her privacy in not pushing for more on what those behaviors are, and support her in her current efforts, however we can.

I do know we both (all) want what's best for her, and her boys.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I know that I am butting heads with you, mindfull and others in this, Starsky... grin

And that's my purpose here... So... cat's out of the bag, as it is...

I do want to know, though...

Did you do it as a tactic...? As a strategy to get your W to change her mind?

Or did you do it because you were done and were moving on...

And your W came around... convinced you to give it another chance...?

Even though you really, really, really were not expecting that...?

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I did it because -- like Autumn -- my wife was unrepentently doing something that violated my own personal morals. After giving her several chances to change her destructive course (she refused), I finally, sadly, decided to file for D in order to protect myself and our kids.

Fortunately, we were subsequently able to turn things around, she ended her affair, and we began the long slog of reconciling our marriage.

Filing for divorce should NEVER be used as a "tactic."


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
I know that I am butting heads with you, mindfull and others in this, Starsky... grin

And that's my purpose here... So... cat's out of the bag, as it is...



That's OK. If we both agreed on everything, ONE of us wouldn't need to be here. grin


I just do think there comes a time when the poster makes their decision, that we should try to support them in it. I am VERY pro-marriage, and pray every day for Autumn (and a few others whom I counsel) to successfully reconcile their marriages. I still think she will, either through this, or, who knows, maybe they'll be one of those 20% who re-marry and have things be better than before. That's not in my hands, nor hers. Right now, I'm trying to -- in order:

1. Help protect Autumn and her sons;

2. Help build up Autumn so that SHE emerges this a better and stronger Autumn;

3. Help, if possible, restore her marriage.

Make no mistake: I'm pro-marriage, but my 1st concern when it comes to certain situations is for the well-being of the poster.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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smile

I figured as much.

I never have read through your sitch, Starsky.

From as I read your description above, you actually did believe that your M was done. No matter how emotional it was... how much you did not want it... how much you may have been emotionally on both sides of the fence...

You actually believed... BELIEVED... that your M was about to end in a D...

I truly believe that is where everyone's mind should be when they file.

I am quite certain that is what Autumn is thinking...

I just want to be sure...

One can't really live... unless they know they are truly... already dead...

cool

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