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#2236699 - 04/09/12 11:14 PM Turn the page
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
Time for a new thread. Here's the link to the last one.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2229137#Post2229137

. W is getting ready for another trip back to our old home. The reson is that she is going to help her friend/ boss with some work they have going on in a couple weeks. Just her this time. I stay here with the kids. I will enjoy the time with just me and the kids, I always do.

Still hurts to see her constantly going away. I know I will be ok regardless. I also know that doesn't make the pain disappear. I just know I will live through it to something better.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2236762 - 04/10/12 08:28 AM Re: Turn the page [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
Hmmm.

I noticed last night on the desk where we keep the bills that W left her CC bill there with enough cash to make the minimum payment. This may be mind-reading but it had to be difficult for my W to leave that bill there for me to handle as it shows very clearly how much money she has spent on her cc. I can only imagine she feels very exposed by showing it to me.

The weird thing I don't understand is why she gives it to me to pay in the first place. She has full access to our joint checking account and she has even opened up her own account. She could just take care of it and pay the bill herself. I just don't understand why she leaves the cash there for me to handle???

She didn't mention it at all last night. She just left it there. I can only assume she expects me to see it and take care of it. For some reason I decided not to. If she wants me to do something, then she will need to actually tell me. Is that spiteful of me? Not sure. Part of me does not want to assume what she wants me to do so I left it there. But there is part of it that feels like, "gee, you were big enough to decide to use the cc that much, you certainly can handle putting the payment in the mail, as well...."

Another Al Anon meeting tonight. I plan on attending. Its helpful but I've not really felt much connection to the people in the group. They are all very nice and I appreciate what they are doing and how they are handling themselves, but for some reason I'm not connecting. Maybe its because they are all focused on alcoholism where that is not my sitch.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2236763 - 04/10/12 08:39 AM Re: Turn the page [Re: ces67]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5124
Grownups pay their own credit cards.
Children leave it for their parents to do it for them.

What do you think?
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2236791 - 04/10/12 10:20 AM Re: Turn the page [Re: Cadet]
labug Online
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8553
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Try a different meeting. AlAnon shouldn't be focused on alcoholism but rather the challenges of those attending the meeting.

Maybe this is the opportunity you've been looking for to bring up the credit card and then move into the bigger picture of the budget.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2236870 - 04/10/12 01:50 PM Re: Turn the page [Re: labug]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
CES - I bum out reading your sitch because it sounds so familiar. I watched my M pull apart in slow motion just like you and literally could not believe i was seeing it for the longest time.

I kept repeating to myself that I deserve to have a life, that the creator wants us all to be fulfilled/happy and express our purpose here on earth. Somehow over time I was able to see my W from a distance, and see the horrible sitch SHE was in. I also learned that she has this path called out for her, and I have mine. Over time it became less intimidating.

I grew to understand that they (WAS) are going to lie continually, play evasion games, project all guilt onto you and make it all your fault, have no problems with double standards, etc. I just kept praying every day and telling myself that I didn't cause this, I didn't fail, that there is something great on the other side of this.

Over time the truth came out that was hidden behind my W's rage and crisis. It became more about what I could do to help her, all the while coming to terms with a new life, and finally accepting and feeling really good about it.

I dont know what it is but you do eventually find a quiet strength and the unknown future becomes quite exciting. And when yu look at the WAS you feel a sadness thatb they are so troubled, yet you will have enough back in your own tank to think of how you can help them, all the while moving into a new life. It does work. One thing I found for sure that making excuses for their bad behavior as a means of keeping the road home open does not work. You just have to accept what crappy things they did, but you will find it doesn;t make you feel small anymore. You star to feel great, like you wethered the worst beating on earth and can walk away from it knowing you can handle anything in the heart department going forward. It's an incredbily freeing feeling.

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#2236871 - 04/10/12 01:52 PM Re: Turn the page [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Sorry about the friggin typos..I hit submit too early!

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#2237096 - 04/11/12 08:50 AM Re: Turn the page [Re: rickb89]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
Hey Cadet, - I agree with what you said, just don't think I'll present it that way to my W. But I feel the same way. I'm just leaving the bill and the money right where it is. If she brings it up, then we'll talk about it.

Hey Bug, I went to the same meeting last night. If I look at it more objectively they really haven't dealt with alcoholism and they really are focusing on their own issues of dealing with life. There are a couple things that I'm working through with the group. First, I am VERY MUCH the youngest there. One one hand, it makes it hard to connect but on the other, there is a collection of wisdom that I can tap into. Second, I struggle with the way some of the concepts are presented. Maybe its just the wording but sometimes it feels like "oh well, that's just the way it is and I'll just muddle through and mope..."

I know I struggle with letting go vs. the desire to make something happen. I struggle with this a lot. I'm working through a 3rd option of letting go but stating my feelings (back to your "I" statements). I've been thinking recently that this is the missing piece. My W and I talk very little and its because I have not pursued any R talk. As a result, I am holding in my own feelings and emotions and I think this is where I feel I'm about to bust.

I mentioned in the end of my last thread that my new IC asked me to read a couple new books. These books, so far, seem to focus on recognizing negative triggers in conversations, how they are tied to emotions, and then how to adjust the conversation to my own feelings rather than a negative dialogue that is unproductive.

Rick - Thanks for the support, as always. I think early on, I really did own the "fault" of my sitch and probably too much. I reached a point a while back that while I have my things to deal with, this is not all me. I'm at a point in this ride where my emotions are bent towards resentment. I don't like feeling this way at all. I want to turn it to compassion and personal strength. I think in the past I've reached this point by burying my own feelings rather than deal with them (not sure yet). If this is the case, then I think this is why the resentment keeps coming back. So its back to the point of having to express my feelings and how to do it. The "nice guy" behaviors of mine is really looking for the "right" way to do this.

I know I will get through this. The journey just gets weary sometimes as you well know. This is one of those times for me. I also know that what I am doing is not working and I need to do something different. So for now I'll work with this new IC and see if I can come up with some options. This will take a few weeks but all things considered in my sitch, a few weeks isn't much.

Rick, very glad you are feeling more free, I know the price of getting to this point was a very costly one for you. Very glad you've got your kids around and that you see so many other blessings in your life.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2237109 - 04/11/12 09:45 AM Re: Turn the page [Re: ces67]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5124
Originally Posted By: ces67
Hey Cadet, - I agree with what you said, just don't think I'll present it that way to my W. But I feel the same way. I'm just leaving the bill and the money right where it is. If she brings it up, then we'll talk about it.

I think you are handling it correctly.
Good job, DO not FIX.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2237344 - 04/11/12 10:38 PM Re: Turn the page [Re: Cadet]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1021
Thanks Cadet,

W finally mentioned it tonight. First she told me to leave the laundry she is doing alone because I dried something that wasn't suppose to be ( it was hand towels, socks and some underwear????)

Then she told me she left the cash there for me to pay the bill and it was due tomorrow. I just looked at her calmly and said ok, you can do that too.
W: no I can't. You took that away from me.
Me: no, you have full access to the joint account. You have a debit card and the checks are where they always are. The account is already set up with the online bill pay. You just need to put the money in the account.
W: well, I never look at that account. How should I know?
Me: well, you choose to take the money out of it every paycheck for yourself.

And that was the end of the conversation. I think my last line was a little testy but she knows she has full access to the account and has all our banking passwords to even see my account even thou her name is not on it. I stayed calm but now it's starting to irritate me. Oh well. It will pass and she can handle her own bills.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2237346 - 04/11/12 10:47 PM Re: Turn the page [Re: ces67]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
you did well there ces - she was testing you - to see if she could push you into getting mad but you stayed calm. good for you.

as you know, i don't feel as if i'm in any position to give advice to anyone right now, but i can "remind" take a deep breathe and let it go and focus on what you did right. that is, you waited for the right moment to deal with it and dealt with it really well

(hmmm, i'll keep that in mind for myself - that's damn good advice)

stay well
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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