any chance of getting her to talk to a financial counselor or financial advisor with you, or without you? if she's getting addicted to credit she's going to hurt the kids financially.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
The challenge is that she has used family funds to support her individual life, thus creating financial difficulties for the family.
So, how can this be fixed?
How can you stop resenting her for this?
How can your marriage be restored if this continues?
Great questions, Bug. First, it's not my place to "fix" my W, not that you meant it that way, just wanted to clarify. What I have done is take ownership of the cc's that are in my name and left my W to manage her own. I still provide a set amount out of each of my paychecks for her to use. I have considered lowering this amount or stopping it. My reasoning is that she apparently had enough to travel and shop and this money is better served to help our family's financial issues. This seems controlling even to me though.
How to stop resenting is an ongoing process of detachment and protecting myself and the family from her actions. It's also the process of letting go of expectations. This is why I go to al anon and IC. I'm a work in progress on this one but I am making progress
How can it be restored? First, I need to address the issues with compassion and forgive. Also, she must decide to work with the family rather than against it on this matter. It will take both and patience.
Let me also say, my W does a lot of good things for the family as well. she is great with the kids. Her spending is her addiction in how she is avoiding her own issues. Prior to DB, I mentioned this to her but stopped trying to fix her. After the 2nd conversation about money I mentioned above is when she asked me to bring home a list of counselors and said she needed to be seeing someone for help. To my knowledge, she never went to anyone and I have not asked. Seemed like that would be nagging or pursuing,
I still love her and see the wonderful parts of her. I am just trying to deal with my disappointments and how to truly help.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
any chance of getting her to talk to a financial counselor or financial advisor with you, or without you? if she's getting addicted to credit she's going to hurt the kids financially.
I have contacted a financial advisor and received an analysis. I shared this with my W. her response was that she really didn't understand it and I should do what I wanted. I have asked multiple times to work together on our finances. So far she is unwilling. So I am moving forward on my own to work with this service to arrange a budget and debt reduction plan. I will keep my W informed throughout as she is willing to listen.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I knew that's not what you meant, Bug...just coudn't resist. : )
With the finances, I've just been working to separate our stuff unofficially. The next step is to establish. My own budget and stick to it. I will make my W aware of the budget and even give her an opportunity to give input. If she chooses to stay separate then I'll just have to manage on my own and leave her to deal with her own stuff as well. Not sure how that will look but I'll figure it out as I go along.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Yesterday, my W called me while I was in a meeting and she left me a vm. She asked about the kids and gave me an idea of her schedule in case I wanted to call her. Once I got the VM, I sent a txt about the kids and how they were doing and then never heard back from W again until I had the kids call to say "goodnight". Her tone wasn't awful but more stand-offish than the previous day.
The observation is that I believe she had an expectation for me to call and talk to her and when I sent the txt instead, there may have some disappointment. I think this is saying I need to pay more attention to her cue's and draw close (every so carefully and cautiously....)
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
The observation is that I believe she had an expectation for me to call and talk to her and when I sent the txt instead, there may have some disappointment. I think this is saying I need to pay more attention to her cue's and draw close (every so carefully and cautiously....)
If you believe that, then maybe it would be worth your while to call her today....just because.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
We actually spoke this morning. I got the kids off to school and my W called as I was on my way to work. This was the first morning where she didn't speak to the kids to start their day and its also the first day they didn't try to contact her (at least D10). We chatted for a few minutes and she asked how the kids did. I said they are doing great and the only challenge is that D10 moves WAY SLOW in the morning so I have to keep on her to get ready. W said she does that for her as well.
I asked about her day and we said we'd talk later. I could tell she was half-asleep at the time so no lengthly conversations. But I think its a good thing for W to see that the kids and I are doing just fine. I'll continue to keep a closer eye on the cues, such as "talk to you later".
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
